Thursday, December 17, 2009

you lost me.


~nuozek

The last night i spent with you, i laid in your bed huddled next to you, desperate for warmth. Not from the room, or the temperature, but from the body laying next to me already fast asleep as if nothing in the world was troubling them. I, on the other hand, stared wide eyed into the foggy bedroom, watching the fan blades spin around and around in one motion over and over. Just like us. A repeat. I felt the silence, i felt the space between us - it felt like a house was wedged between us even though essentially all but two or three inches separated us. That was the last night i spent with you, next to you, a part of you.

The next morning something set you off. Something stupid, something that was never worth the fight and that's when the real you started seeping out. The anger, the refusal to communicate, the distance, everything I hated about you that turned the one i love into something so ugly. You told me it was over and I couldn't believe it. Wait, yes i could. Because secretly i had been trying to work up the nerve to leave you. Unfortunately you beat me to it, you had never been on to try to make it work and that's where you fooled me.

Rewind back to seven months ago when I received that message from you that brought all my hard work and progress crumbling to pieces. You had me pinned in this exact situation before. After three years of love you gave up on us, and now after a year of me gaining strength, of FINALLY getting over you...you want me back. I had consecutive dreams where you would return to me, and strong like a soldier i would turn you away in the coldest way possible, just like you had been to me. But in real life the story was incredibly different. I fell for that boy all over again. My mistake, as i would later learn. You lured me in with a new attitude, a new person, with words that convinced me you would try this time around and that you really cared. Jokes on me i suppose. It lasted for a few weeks, but your facade began to deteriorate ever so subtly until finally I was stuck in a loveless relationship. I would oogle at the couples out in public, the ones that couldn't get enough of each other, the ones that didn't care what other people though, the ones who were just mad about eachother and i'd compare it to our meaningless love. You wanted so much space, too much space. We were ten minutes apart yet i'd see you only a few days out of the week and hear form you once a day. You never did anything nice for me, never went out of your way to say you loved me, nothing. But yet i stood by you, i took this, and i thought maybe if i were different, you would love me.

You see, i was different. It was you that was never different. So you left me again, and i begged, but only because i don't give up. You do. You are weak, and you can look at the girl who stands before you with tears running freely asking for something out of you, anything at all, and laugh, but at least i know how to love and that is something you will never know. So here i go. I'm letting go completely this time. I'm growing without you. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. It'll be harder than before but easier in the long run. I deserve better than you. I am better than you. And i will build myself up, i will fall in love with myself, so that next time you come around I'm strong enough to not make the same mistake twice.

You lost something amazing. You lost me.

-K

61 comments:

  1. completely beautiful.

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  2. exactly where I am, you can do it.

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  3. I feel the same way... Same exact position.. YOU can do it :)

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  4. I want to cry, this is beautifully heartbreaking....Good luck you will make it!

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  5. This is beautiful!

    Lovely blog!

    colormenana.blogspot.com

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  6. there seems to be a lot of us in this situation. We can get through this.

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  7. Aww, honey.
    It's fine. You can do it. You're better off.
    xo

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  8. Be strong! You can do it. You deserve better.

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  9. "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde

    stay strong x

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  10. i went through this a little over a year ago. thanks for telling your story :)

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  11. understand completely
    happy for you, stay strong xx

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  12. Hard to read this...this is exactly where I am at the moment also...
    It`s so hard, but i understand in the long run it`s better...

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  13. this was so touching because im going through the exact same thing. it made me so much more strong!

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  14. Love&Sex

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  15. I can't believe how often I hear stories that are completely parallel to that of my own.

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  16. you're not alone <3

    xoxo

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  17. be strong! for a really long time I was in and out of relationships that weren't good for me, because I couldn't stand being alone and I wasn't comfortable with myself. but one day I decided to just deal with myself and now I'm happy with who I am and meaningless relationships with boys that don't give a shit is just a fading memory!

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  18. wow this is going to sound like everyone else but that is the same thing I went through in June, all of the sudden after a night together he woke up and broke my heart.

    Almost six months now and I haven’t contacted him even though he has tried through every technological means possible. I blocked him of MSN, Facebook, everything. I destroyed photos of us and anything which had sentimental values between us practically the following day he broke up with me and that was the best decision I had ever made because letting go right from the beginning of a broken heart led me to a speedy recovery.

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  19. Wow.

    You are an absolutely phenomenal writer, I mean it. As if that didn't make the story compelling enough; your courage and self-worth has encouraged many of these readers to find their own strength.

    Thanks for your submission, K., it's certainly been the most powerful I've read here in a long time.

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  20. i was once in that position and i fought like hell to keep that relationship afloat but i did walk away in the end and he did come back and at that point i was strong enough to say no. he brought me down for too long and my happiness was literally zero around him. but now thats a year ago and i'm completely head over heels in love with a new man just like what you are wishing for. so just be strong because seriously something way better and more amazing is coming your way.

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  21. thank you for this - you put my feelings and my situation in the exactly right words. i could never have done it like this on my own, but it is all about me.

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  22. Beautifully written..I can completely relate to this post. Good luck my dear! & yes, you can do it!

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  23. insanely brilliant. beautiful. i am in love w/ this post.. its refreshing to read someone speaking of being strong and ok and loving themselves through a life altering moment; not completely losing who they are in another person but finding themselves. oh, i am so excited for you.. please please stay strong. ♥

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  24. Thank you so much for that, I needed to read this. Such a strong person you are...

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  25. I heard from somewhere,
    1st time he leave, you might be the cause, 2nd time around, he is the one to be dumped! Definitely.
    Be strong! You go girl! ;)

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  26. thank you so much for giving me the strength to see past this heartache.

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  27. This is amazing. This is totally how I feel right now. He is no good for you and you deserve so much better. I LOVE this note. It's right out of the bag for me. Word for word. WERK GIRRRL!!!!! WERK!!!! I'm so touched cause we deserve better and we arer going to get better. It's all going to be worth it at the end.

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  28. j'aime les photos !!
    http://lealowe.blogspot.com/

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  29. you took the words right out of my heart. why is that we have to hurt over jerks. ugh.. good luck :)

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  30. I can't read this blog anymore. It's too sad for the unstable emotional state/relationship that I'm currently in.

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  31. this is amazing and heartfelt. Once you do step out of your comfort zone and fall in love with yourself, you will see just how wonderful love can be, just how wonderful you are.

    Stay Strong. xx

    carrie-travels.blogspot.com

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  32. I'm stuck in same place 3weeks ago I decided we were only friends he's chasing but I'm a step ahead now it's hard

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  33. keep up and be strong
    he will come again.




    whitewind

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  34. the thing is, i feel as if i lost something amazing... and it hurts to know that i won't get it back.

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  35. I know what you mean, I'm going thru the same cycle with an ex who is unable to control his rage, and hurts me sometimes. I'm trying to walk away, but it's like a roller coaster to hell =(

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  36. That last part is absolutely fantastic.

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  37. I hope one day I'll be strong enough to feel this way.

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  38. "You lost something amazing. You lost me."

    The perfect line for the person that treated you like crap.

    You are an amazing woman. I hope I can be as strong as you are :)

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  39. love love love people like that don't deserve people like you!

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  40. one day you'll all look back and realise you've done the right thing

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  41. Beautiful. and so deep and rich i should use it as a momoloug.

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  42. the same way... Same exact position.. YOU can do it :)

    Work from home India

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  43. "I'm growing without you"
    Beatiful

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  44. I think we all know this feeling...thanks for sharing.
    Peace, Jeanne Brown

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  45. i wish i would be able to feel so strong about myself, to believe in myself like you do. really an inspiration.

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  46. I dated a guy for three years and he did the same thing to me, around this time last year he decided to pick a fight.. and then left me without seeing or speaking to me for seven months. Not to mention he had been seeing a girl who was sucking all the emotion out of him and turning him into a heartless monster. But once again.. after they broke up. Guess who came running back to me? I think the worst part is though.. as much as I fought so hard to stop loving him... I couldn't. But he won't commit to me and he's not the same. So now I have a lovely boyfriend who would give me the world if he could.. but I'm still stuck on Mr. Wrong...

    Be better than me.. let go for your own sake.

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  47. thank you so much for this!
    Reading this makes me wanna fight
    maybe one day I will be strong too.

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  48. what you wrote strikes very close to home.

    believe in yourself, i believe in you. you can do it.

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  50. You just wrote everything I've been feeling and all of
    what I've been trying to express for a year. Thank you!
    - B

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  51. ur situation is same with me.
    the diff is i still with him and i'm a weak person. Yeah, you can call me loser. shame on me.

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  52. i had this happen to me once , im proud of where your going now though (:

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  53. Heartbreaking.. I can so relate to this.. Stay strong :)

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  54. WOW!!!! As I was reading this, I was thinking, "Did I write this?" This is my situation to the last period of the post!!

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  55. Here, I do not really imagine it is likely to have effect.

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