Saturday, December 19, 2009

but you always wake up.


On the morning I woke up and didn't crumble back into my bed, consumed with the overwhelming need to cry until I fell back asleep, I flirted with the idea that maybe I had gotten over him. That there was a small chance I had concluded one phase of grieving and moved on to the next; a more subtle type of pain that was numbing in his absence.

When he stopped showing up in my dreams, relief that I was no longer plagued by him and sadness that he was gone filled my heart and took up residence as a pseudo replacement - if he couldn't be around then at least I had this fabricated dichotomy to placate me.

A week before his car collided head on with a truck, a message was sent to him in sarcasm, masking (displaying) hurt and annoyance at his slacking communication. A week plus one day later, when I received the phone call, the only regret I can lay claim to in life was sending that message. Famous last words.

Of course, in death - as he always did in life, in the life I knew of him as my friend - he appeared again in sleep. This time reassuring me that everything was okay. In another, I received the same call - he had died all over again, and the hysteria seeped back in.

In the best one, he was standing in front of me - stunned and unbelieving of what I was seeing - that same disarming grin worn proudly on his face; look at me, I'm alive. And he was.

But you always wake up.



  1. I'm so sorry. This was a lovely story, but intensely heartbreaking. I could not even come close to imagining how you feel and what you are going through. Hang in there, all will be well in time. Hold on to the memories but let go of the pain, i'm sure he wouldn't want to see you like this.

    Love & prayers.

  2. A story that made me gasp a little and my eyes well up. A sense of pure admiration for having the willingness and confidence to share such a heartbreaking story. Memories can live on forver just remember that.
    Gobless x

  3. I am completely and utterly speechless; this is incredibly impacting for better and worse. But it does show that we should never take for granted those around us. You're very brave and in that I applaud you. Keep living and breathing, because if he was alive, that's exactly what he'd want for you.
    -all my love

  4. This was so touching, i'm speechless... be brave.

  5. that's heartbreaking... i wish i had something clever to say to make the pain go away, but i know that it won't. it will be a part of you, but one day it won't hurt, you'll see the good out of the bad.
    i had a date tonight, my third with the same guy and i'm starting to really like him. and as alwys, i'm scared that i might lose myself in him. might get hurt... so i planned to do what i always do and run. but this made me realise that life is too short to dwell over what if and maybe. so i'll take a leap this time. thank you.
    i'm sorry if i made this all about me, i just want you to know that your words touched me.
    i wish only the best for you.

  6. This is so heartbreaking, and I'm completely speechless.

  7. :'(

    The worst kind of death, I believe, is when someone goes before their time.
    In an accident, due to illness etc.
    Because there's no lead up of getting old.

    I empathise. Completely.

  8. I'm speechless, what a truly heartbreaking story :(. It's beyond that actually... I'm so sorry to hear about this. Stay strong<3 .

  9. holy fucking shit. my heart just skipped a beat.
    i'm sad.
    <3 keep your head up

  10. such a nice blog,
    keep doing it like that

    take care xxx

  11. Made me cry with such a heart breaking conclusion,so very sad for you.But he will always be with you and someday the sadness won't, and eventually you'll be able to think of him and smile, not cry.Hang in there darlin.

  12. I just discovered your blog and am truly captivated. Bravo! This post is moving and that picture is perfect.

  13. :( So sad... Beautiful

  14. Oh god, such a sad story.
    I could never deal with something that..

  15. That's so sad, I've dealt with a death before but it was my sister, nothing is harder than knowing someone one day and then realizing they're dead. It's okay to grieve, it's nature what is extremely lovely is he visits you in your sleep to remind you that he's okay.

  16. this is the first post that made me bawl like a baby. such beautiful writing. i'm so sorry for your loss. stay strong.

  17. Hard for me to read...this happened to me, too, 6.5 years ago. I've moved on and am married now, but the memory of what happened and what I went through for years after never fades. It was the most difficult thing I ever went through; it's so inexplicable losing a lover. It will affect you and your future relationships forever. All I can say, is that time heals all wounds - as cliche as that is - but [unfortunately] it's true.

  18. My friend and I are fans of this blog, now, we also have one I wait that some day manages to be so good as yours! We would like that you see our blog thank you.

  19. Lovely story, but also tradgic. I have to be honest when i tell you that i actually cried because i have been in the same situation almost; a car addicent involving love.

  20. But you always wake up *sigh*
    Lovely blog post btw :)

  21. my goodness, the kind words that have been written here have truly filled and warmed my heart. thank you lelove for publishing me :)

    it feels so great to have people read what i've been through and be able to share their emotions, feelings, and personal experiences. thank you, everyone for the amazing words and comforting advice. it is forever appreciated.


  22. reality can be cruel sometimes.
    stay strong <3

  23. I am so sorry for your loss. One day, one day you will be together again. I empathize with you. Take great care of yourself. He would want that.

  24. This is so heartbreaking. It really made me cry. I do hope you recover.

  25. I was just snooping around your blog and I found this post it really is a very sad love story. I hope your okay now.

  26. what a powerfully sad and moving tale... i lost a good friend who was meant to be a lover in high school. we were soul mates, but had not gotten to the point of consummating of teenage connection. and then he said good bye one sunny day, just going home, and was hit by a car on his motorcycle. i was comforted by having said good-bye for now, and watching him walk away with the sun in his hair, in my eyes... that's the memory i will hold on to... 25 years later, i still think of him... be well... write about it, send him prayers and blessings... a angel watching over u... xx

  27. A sense of pure admiration for having the willingness and confidence to share such a heartbreaking story. Memories can live on forver just remember that.

    Work from home India

  28. i love this story.. but it's so sad that it's true

  29. wow that pictures is an amazing capture.
    so daunting.

  30. one of my best friends also died in a car accident on september 11th of this year, so i know what you're going through. i wrote a very similar poem a couple weeks ago. maybe it'll help you feel a little less alone.

    "Mourning Light"

    Dreams fade
    Eyelashes flutter
    Pupils contract
    As a focused stream of sunlight
    Slips through a narrow crack
    Between panels of faded yellow curtain

    Translucent flakes of dust
    Hang suspended in time
    Clinging to morning's first light
    As though life itself truly hangs
    On rays of golden warmth

    Oh how naive
    To believe such a proposterous lie

    Angered by their ignorance
    I retreat beneath layers
    Of false cotton comfort
    Hoping that I can recapture
    Just a split second of peace
    Through illusive images of your smiling face
    Images that seem to be fading from memory
    As fast as that shooting star
    Fell hurriedly over the horizon
    The night your soul was set free

    Stop thinking
    Roll over
    Sigh deeply
    I pray that sleep will quickly swallow me
    Into the depths of its unconsciousness
    The only place that I can be blissfully unaware
    Of your pain staking absence

    But specks of light seep intrusively
    Through my not-so-protective barrier
    To the outside world
    And all its heart breaking mishaps
    Sometimes I wonder if life'd be easier
    If I were just completely numb all together

    I'm not ready
    To wake up and face Mourning again

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  32. wow... touching... an acquaintance of mine recently passed in the same way, and i think a lot of her family and loved ones and the pain they must be was a wake up call for me... make everything you do and/or say count for something... tomorrow is not a given, don't take advantage of today...

  33. Wow... I'm speachless. I just dont know what to say after reading your story, it brought me to tears.

    I guess all one can do is press on...



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