Tuesday, December 29, 2009

i would rather be alone


roc21

This was written a year ago, but I still fight with myself: Love, or no love? Destroy myself, or fix it?

I have never known love.
I have never been held by somebody who said
“We fit together”.
There has never been another
And that is fine.
I can’t live up to someone’s standards
And I can’t give more than I can take
Of my heart to only one.
There isn’t a part of me
That I can let ache
Because I need him by me.
It means I'm not sure I can be faithful.
I can’t give up drinking, and messing myself up,
Until I am tangled and bent.
It is my art, and it is an instinct
To remain convoluted and tormented.
It’s not a burden I can lay on someone without guilt.
Everyone is shallow to some extent,
And unless he is beautiful superficially,
I won’t be able to step out holding his hand.
Walk, head held high,
Telling the crowd that yes, he is mine
And I am his.
There are parts of me I love,
Slender ankles, fragile eyes,
But too many that I hate.
So it is impossible to believe someone
Who tells me that I am deadly
Beautiful,
Until those parts are blotted out, fixed.
I will continue to deal with anorexia and depression,
States that will always threaten to asphyxiate me
And I understand these are things that most people can’t understand.
This sort of continual struggle
Which I let creep beneath my thoughts
Every single fucking day.
Parts of me that are locked away,
Quietly pushed to the furthest corners
Under the bed
Shamefully.
There are dreams of coffee in the morning,
Cigarettes after sex,
Fingers down my back,
And falling asleep on his lap.
But I am unsure of what to say, and how to act
So he won’t feel oppressed or worse
Unloved.
I swing between extremes,
And there is no in between.
I live explosively, and that’s not something
Easily accepted.
Terrified of all these rules and warnings
And reining back,
I would rather be alone.

-i'd like to remain anonymous.

33 comments:

  1. this really hit me hard. i dont even know what to say. i think it is amazing that you can express such deep thoughts, dreams, fears & challenges to others.

    "this sort of continual struggle which i let creep beneath my thoughts every single fucking day. parts of me that are locked away"
    this really resonates in me.

    you have to explore, dream, find things that inspire you, fill your world with these things, anything at all that inspires you, that reminds you that life is beautiful & that there is hope. nomatter where you are in life & where you have beeen, nomatter how deep your secrets and how hurt your heart is, the fact is that if you are here there is potential for anything and everything to happen. you have to seek change.

    i know its hard to hear but nobody is going to come along and save you, you have to make the change yourself.

    goodluck.


    www.thefashiondirectories.blogspot.com
    www.thefashiondirectories.blogspot.com

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  2. "these are things that most people can’t understand".
    I really like this part... ♥

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  3. It's a huge step even realizing these things about yourself and being able to name them. Don't stop trying to make things better. You're worth it.

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  4. wow it is amaizing.
    but please im new of this , i wish you follow me , on my blog .

    and i love it you'r blog.

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  5. this reminds me of myself, I'd rather be alone than keep hurting somebody I love.

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  6. this is beautiful.

    we are in the exact same boat, complete with psychological disorders.

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  7. Can you please blog a little bit more about HAPPY love?

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  8. go check http://head-out.blogspot.com/ absolutely cool

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  9. www.loveandlifeinpictures.blogspot.com

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  10. i can relate to this so well :(

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  11. this is great that you have the courage go to the deep dark part of yourself. i focus on the negatives and fail to see any positives; best friend tells me im beautiful i call her a liar; one of many hangups.

    but she sent a text that i hold dear

    "You'll find someone out there like my boyfriend. I'm not the most shiny porcelain doll off the shelf. I'm a little dusty and a little cracked. Don't fall off the shelf. "

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  12. "But I am unsure of what to say, and how to act
    So he won’t feel oppressed or worse"
    "I live explosively, and that’s not something
    Easily accepted.
    Terrified of all these rules and warnings"

    I related to this so well, and it really opened my eyes.i have ended up loving , but with all the wrong types of people. This little bit helped me a lot, thank you

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  13. Wow! This post blows me away... Thank you so much!

    Take care
    Maria

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  14. You're amazing! This poem is evoked so well, I feel like you it speaks for me, as well as for other girls who deal with similar problems.

    This sort of continual struggle
    Which I let creep beneath my thoughts
    Every single fucking day.
    Parts of me that are locked away,
    Quietly pushed to the furthest corners
    Under the bed
    Shamefully.
    There are dreams of coffee in the morning,
    Cigarettes after sex,
    Fingers down my back,
    And falling asleep on his lap.

    Make this into a song...it's too good to be left unnoticed.

    Also, I love the picture!

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  15. Oh dear, I know just how you feel. I deal with both anorexia and depression as well, although both are much better now than ever before. Everything you've written (and quite beautifully too I must add) resonates with me-dealing with shallow feelings, the continual struggles, the highs and lows. And although I have found someone who seems to be able to deal with all that extraordinarily well, it's always hard to not feel like I'm burdening him in some way. But although it is almost terrifying to let someone in close to you and share yourself with them, it makes you such a different person to have done that. I think that you'll find someone who will fit you. Not perfectly, there will be edges that don't match up and both of you will annoy each other with behaviors and actions, but if what you have is good, those annoyances are easily overlooked and overshadowed by everything else that you love about that other person. If you just stop looking for that other half, work on loving yourself, enjoy whatever it is that you do, someone will see how beautiful you are. They will love your ankles and your eyes and everything else in between. I didn't mean to write a novel here, I just can empathize with you so much.

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  16. beautiful! this is how i feel as well at times... often times at the moment... but we just hope that feelings are, indeed, fickle. Happiness definitely takes work. But love... well, that's another story and it's even more challenging when there is another person involved... which is why I can relate to the dichotomy of wanting to be alone.. yet also wanting companionship. Wanting Love....

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. You spoke to me.

    http://project-happiness09.blogspot.com/

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  17. This is gorgeous and amazing. I thank you so much for writing this, because I saw myself in the poem. I understand what it is like to never have loved and the rationale one makes about it. I had tears rolling down my face as I read this.

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  18. i feel like you wrote this about me.
    amazing.

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  19. I totally get this. I continued to be self destructive even after I found a guy who told me he will never leave me and I am perfect for him. I thought he just didn't see how wrong he was. I hurt him by trying to give him an out and being self destructive. Ironic. But he still hasn't left me. What I didn't see was that he loves me no matter what. And that made me finally stop being so afraid.

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  20. The past few posts of Lelove is a bit too emo for me, how I wish sometimes people can just let go of the desire to be in control and risk it all, You deserve to be happy. I know it's easier to said than be done. Still, I want to do that someday.

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  21. Gahhhh. I have to agree with rcLoy! Although I do think love has both a light and dark side and should be shown for what it is, it's important to stay inspired about love. Love is the best thing ever, and it happens all the time and is all around us. Let's not forget that. xxx

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  22. This is EXACTLY how i feel.
    I have looking for inspiring blogs all morning...and now i have found it

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  23. Hi there.
    It was really beautifully written.
    I felt the same way, about a year ago. Anorexia, depression - but I never felt loved. And I did not want to love anybody. I wanted to die. I hated myself. I hated the world.

    I'm healthier now. I can appreciate myself, sometimes at least, which is much better than how I felt a year ago. If you try, things will get better. Your opinions may change. Anorexia and depression; thin arms and a flat stomach; cutting yourself and never leaving the house; it's not worth it.
    There is sooo much more to life. Like waking up next to somebody, laughing until tears start falling down your cheeks, eating ice cream at music festivals during the summer, dancing until your legs can't bear you anymore, travelling to meet exciting people and see breathtaking places and shopping pretty underwear without anxiety over how you look in them.
    You'll see.
    You'll want it.
    You're worth it.
    Every one's worth it.
    Take the chance.

    Love, isabelle.skareng@hotmail.com
    You

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  24. this isn't about her(?) not having someone who loves her no matter what. I'm sick of people saying "you'll find someone who loves you and everything will work out".

    Some people can grow out of their anorexia and depression with the right help from the right person. But trying to figure yourself out is harder, beeing able to understand why we are the way we are. You are the only one who will ever be able to enter your mind and tangle it out. If you actually want to be happy you can.

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  25. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. No matter how far into your emotions you get, (i know i do), analyzing every move, misunderstanding the state you are in, or why to conintue, although you'd never dream of putting your suffering to an end.. you have to realize that others are out there just as confused as you, just as thought driven and scared. i will personally never completely figure myself out. nobody will. but letting it slip your mind every once in a while, and putting your life to the purpose of finding what makes you happy, and doing that.. that is why i live, that is why we love.

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  26. I read this little bit late i'm afraid but i don't think that its late for writing, even if no one reeds this..
    this pice of writing made me think. i felt identified with many ponts but today i can see further, i know there's something more than anorexia, depresion and feelingh non loved, maybe i just dont wanna see the reality but my point of view encouragess me to keep walking

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  27. Honestly felt as though you were talking about me. And you got it all right.

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  28. For my part every person ought to go through it.

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  29. Hello, I'm very sorry to have to ask you this, but could you please delete my earlier comment on this text? I still think it's a beautiful text but I just don't think I'm comfortable with that comment being able to be read by anyone on the Internet. It would be so very kind of you, thank you.

    ReplyDelete

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