where to go from here

ph: Melania Brescia

Every girl has a "scare" once or twice in her life at the doctor's office. I had mine and they removed a few spots and that was that. Nothing was precancerous and it seemed as though it would just clear up on its own. I couldn't think of who would have been the one to give this to me. no way it was you. I loved you. You were perfect in every way to me and our relationship was so beautiful and wonderful that something like that would never cross my mind. That was last october and now May is here and we find out that the girl you were with before me has the same thing that I did, but they are pre-cancerous, which means she gave it to you and you gave it to me. The moment that realization happened, my world just fell to pieces. Uncontrollable crying, cold sweats, fear, anger, disgust, everything was on my mind at that moment. It's bad enough that we see her as often as we do. No girl ever wants to think of her boyfriend having sex with another girl, even if it was before they ever met, but having to see her multiple times a week is so much harder. Knowing that you two have been intimate and that you shared that moment is overwhelmingly difficult to put aside and force out a smile and hello when we do see her, but now, knowing that I will forever be connected through her because of this incident is more than I can bare right now. I don't know how to explain to you in a way that you can empathize with me, but this is just too much. It really is. I love you with all of my heart and we've planned our lives out together, but moving past this huge hump in the road is just more than I can bare presently. I know you've said over and over that I just need to let it go and one day i'll have to get past it, but this girl is forever tied to me. All because she was the one and only girl you had unprotected sex with before me and look at what it did. I don't know where to go from here. I want to scream (I am screaming inside), I want to punch her, I want to shake you and make you go back and choose to play out that entire situation out differently. I'm hurt. I'm just really, really hurt. and even though I love you, the hurt is weighing more on my heart than anything else.

head over heels

ph: sandy honig + The Weaver House for Design Love Fest

i wish i had said yes

ph: Cristiana Ferreira

That night on the beach of the lake in our small town was the best night of my life.

You drove us down there in your giant truck--the one I keep telling you sounds like a speed boat--the Pacificos you packed so carefully in the cooler gently clanking with every turn up the winding road, the windows down, the sun in our eyes and the wind whipping my hair around my face.

We took our beach chairs down to the edge of the water and, realizing we had forgotten a bottle opener, attempted to use a sharp rock we found and we laughed so hard we cried at how ridiculous we must've looked. It was so easy to sit there with you. So simple. So comfortable. We talked for hours--nearly six, to be exact--and no one had ever made me feel so at ease with myself until right then.

We talked about everything--our childhoods, our passions, our life goals, and we made each other laugh until we couldn't breathe anymore. We talked about everything except her. In fact, even later, when we were sitting again in that giant truck, trying to warm up long after the sun had gone down and we confessed our feelings for each other, her name never left your lips.

I cried. I'm sorry. But you told me you felt strongly about me. You told me you thought I was beautiful, and you told me you wished we could be together. You asked me if you could kiss me, and in the darkness that was only interrupted by the soft blue glow of the dashboard, you never looked more handsome. My body ached from the laughing and in that moment I was so tempted to say yes. But your girlfriend... You love her. I know you love her. You have a ring for her, and I think you're planning on proposing soon. No matter what feelings we have for each other, no matter how real they are...she was there first. So I said no.

Sometimes, I wish I had said yes.

the way you do

ph: Sophie Van der Perre + we heart it

both of the guys

ph: marinna williams

When we first met in August, as we found ourselves in the same class, I didn't think of him as more than anything but a classmate. Fast-forward to New Years Eve, where in a drunken daze on the dance floor, he kissed me. Or I kissed him. Alcohol is playing tricks on my memory. Despite the irregularities that the alcohol-smitten mind can provide, it was not something that I regretted. He were nice, the night was nice and he kept repeating cheesy things like "You're the most beautiful person here". I laughed at his cheesiness and I accepted them merely as a token of his alcoholic delusion and I didn't expect to hear those words again. Two days later, he texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet him. I was cringing as I realized the gratitude of it all – we were in the same class! If things got awkward, it would be multiplied by a hundred as it seemed like everyone in my class knew about us. I agreed to have some hot-chocolate with you. Fast-forward four months, we are still seeing each other but we haven't defined what we are. It is all hanging loose in the air. He seems to have committed to me, he hasn't been with anyone else. I was ready to become his and his only, for weeks he was the only thing on my mind. But he lacked decisiveness and was not progressive or vocal about what he wanted us to be. I had looked at others; had sex with one boy and had kissed two other boys. I thought it was all fine until he started saying things that indicated that he thought that we were a couple. My insides turned as I realized what he meant by those words and I was confused as I thought that I had missed the signals. But sooner than later, I realized that we still were where we had been: loose in the air, even though he seemed to think that we were a serious couple. During these past months, I have spent countless hours on doubting us – is this what I want? Do I really like him and so on and so forth.

A few weeks ago, I met a guy who I want to have an ongoing sexual relationship with and now the problem is what I should do with the former guy. Should I inform him about my newly discovered polygamous tendencies whilst risking our entire relationship or should I just keep my mouth shut?

What I want is both of the guys, they're different from each other and I have different relationships with them. One is okay with us not being exclusive but the other thinks that we are a couple. What should I do?


------
I put together a Memorial Day sales guide- check it out HERE.

the power of words

ph: snapshot taken from video

In this heartwarming, revealing and insightful talk, Toni Powell pays tribute to a living angel, tells a love story and opens up about her marriage. With humour and pathos, Toni highlights the power of words and how the honest, even brutal, advice of a true friend, if you are willing to take it, can change everything.

via Good Gracious Me

good intentions

ph: Prinka Saraswati + we heart it

two people in love

ph: Lukasz Wierzbowski // neon.tambourine

I am writing to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry because I know what it’s like to feel deeply for someone who feels lightly for you. I understand the unrelenting stirring in your stomach when you see them. The deceiving optimism when you think “maybe this time they’ll realize they want me too,” then feeling so foolish when it ends up being just like every other time. To think that maybe minor changes will win their affection. I’ll cut my hair. I’ll wear that shirt instead of this one. I’ll grow my hair out. To obsess over your shortcomings. To want to change yourself at all for someone because you think having them push your hair back and kiss your neck is worth it. I know what it’s like to think about a person when you’re alone in your bed knowing that if you could have anything it would be their company and to feel the emptiness in the space next to you. To go to a place you’ve never been with them before but it reminds you of them anyway because you feel happy there. To go through scenarios in your head where everything goes right, where you say all the right things and you can feel them loving you back and the heavy sting when reality seems so far from that place. To think about the people they have loved and wonder why somebody else deserves something you want so badly. I know what it’s like to try to feel this way for anyone else. To kiss somebody with the nicest smile but at the end of it it’s not the one you want. You want the cynical one. I know exactly how it feels to ache. To feel deprived. To feel stupid. To know they never think about you when you can’t seem to stop picturing their face. I know what it’s like to think being in love is the fucking worst. To hope for nonchalance. To wish you could feel lightly. But it is not in our nature.

We are two people in love. We feel heavily but not for each other. I love him and you love me. It is not meant to be any other way, and from my very being I am sorry. I wish so badly that I could reciprocate your feelings. It would make so much sense.

not as terrible

ph: ELLE Ukraine + we heart it

my best kept secret

ph: Margaret Durow

My therapist said I should write you a letter. Free hand, she said. Just keep writing and writing. But if I did this with a pen my arm would give out much faster than my fingers would typing on a computer. So I went for the 21st century version of writing a letter. I feel almost angry writing this, knowing you’ll never read it. I know you’ll never read it because I’ll never have the guts to give it to you. There’s no point. It’d be like reading a letter from a stranger. Because that’s what we are. What we’ve become. Strangers. I don’t even know how either of us would react were we to pass one another on the street. Would we smile? Light up with joy? Or be shy and coy? Would we ignore one another, or pretend like we hadn’t seen each other and quickly glance the other way? Would it be awkward or extraordinary? My therapist knows a few things about me. Where I go to school, my relationship with my parents, what I want to be, my addictions. And last week she learned another thing about me. I am a hopeless romantic. I am a 22 year old woman holding onto the relationship I had when I was a 15 year old girl because I’ve yet to find another relationship as fulfilling since ours. As I was explaining our story to her I could hear and feel how pathetic I sounded. How delusional. I didn’t mention to her that I’ve driven past your house 3 times in the last month to see if your car was in the driveway. Am I hitting stalker potential? Is it you I miss or the feelings that relationship gave me? I know how crazy I sound. “Let go” everyone I’ve ever told our story to says, “you need to learn to let go”. But how does one go about doing that? It’s been four years since I’ve seen you. Six since we’ve broken up. Don’t you think if I knew how to let go I would have done it by now?! I feel like screaming at them all.

Most days I am able to convince myself I think about you so often because I long to be in love again. And you were the only person I’ve ever experienced that with. And then other days I am imagining scenarios in my head of what I’d do if we met face to face again. A lot of the time I wonder if you ever think of me. If you wonder what I’m doing. I mean I live down the street, I’m your ex girlfriend, your first serious relationship you must think of me sometimes, right? Writing this I feel so foolish. I see on paper the thoughts and feelings in my head that I am ashamed of. This is really getting quite old you know? I’m sick of talking about it myself. I wish I could see you once more soon, this summer even, just so I can get the idea of seeing you out of my head. And maybe then I’ll feel better. I don’t know why it is I feel the need to see you. I think the spiteful part of me just wants to see how you’d react.

You nailed it on the head when signing my high school yearbook, “I guess the saddest thing about our whole situation is that there was no definite ending.” You can say that again. I need an ending. I don’t leave things half finished or with a “…. To be continued” on the end. You’ve gone on and written two other love stories while I am still here waiting for the final unfinished chapter of ours. This is a co-author deal here Glen, I can’t write the ending alone. Jesus I sound like such a psycho ex girlfriend. But I often wonder do you talk to your friends about me at all? When they talk to me every now and then do you guys have casual conversation about it? “Oh I saw Brittany in New Brunswick the other night…”

I guess I just don’t understand how someone can mean so much to you and then you’re okay with never seeing them again. I’ve been okay with not seeing exes because I wasn’t in love with them. I was only ever in love with you, and I know in my heart you were in love with me too. How do you fall out of love? More importantly how do you fall out of your first love? Is it possible to? Is it really possible to ever fully move on? Or do we just find someone else to fall in love with to fill the void? I think the saddest thing about my still thinking about this all these years later is I don’t even really know you now. We’ve been apart five years since high school and we’ve both changed, and grown, and become two totally different people from who we were when we were 17. In a way as a result of the ending of our relationship and the obviousness that we weren’t getting back together I think I started to love myself a little less. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for me to lose myself in the college scene. I’ve changed a lot you know. Not so great in some ways. I’ve damaged my body, my relationships, my GPA, my trustworthiness, and most of all my spirit. You said in my yearbook not to lose myself among the crowd, to stand out and be individualistic. Is that what you loved about me so much? That back when I was in high school I didn’t care about fitting in? I don’t blame the friends I’ve made, I have made some wonderful ones along the way don’t get me wrong. They have pulled me out of some of my darkest nights, moments I would never dare to bring up again. I blame my inability to say no when it was appropriate. But it would be so easy to blame you for all of my downfalls the last five years. I’ve tried relationships but got bored. I’ve run away from opportunities to be loved. I’ve been reckless with others’ hearts. I have been chaotic. And I’m not proud. But I’m learning and working on it and trying to get myself back to a place where I’m not afraid to look in the mirror. But you don't know any of this about me.

So I wake up day to day, go to work, go to class, go to family functions, hang out with friends, drive my car, take showers, apply makeup, read books, eat dinner with my family, go to church, run in my neighborhood, go to the grocery store and the mall, order coffee at drive throughs, text several people a day, see a therapist, write in a diary, stay up late, do all of this and all the awhile no one I come in contact with ever knows that I am always thinking of you. You have always been my best kept secret.

all i had

ph: going home to roost + we heart it

the night we never had

ph: Idiot Drug Hive

I'm standing here alone with two tickets in my hand. Part of me just wants to take the zippo from my back pocket and set them to flames. Part of me wants to just tear them into pieces and throw them into the wind. Part of me wants to show up, give them to another couple begging on the sidewalk and let them have the night I was supposed to have.

I still remember how it felt when I got an alert that my favorite band was coming to my city. Our favorite band. Our city. Even though me and you were still me and you, not us, I knew it was the perfect present for your birthday coming up. I had spent weeks thinking about what I could get you that you would love, that wouldn't be too much considering we we're only good acquaintances, but still be special. That was it. And I could tell it was perfect by the look on your face when I had told you I had ordered them.

Four months ago I had pictured this night. You'd pick me up. We'd hold hands on the will call line. We'd fangirl over the vocalist, scream the lyrics to their best song at each other, step on each others vans. By the end we'd be out of breath and sweating, the whole way back to the car we'd talk about that crazy guy standing next to us and how happy we were they played their old stuff too. We'd cool off in the air conditioning. We'd kiss goodbye. And kiss again. Kiss on the forehead. Kiss on the nose. Wait, one more for the road. I'd already miss him as I watch him drive away, but it's okay, because we'd see each other tomorrow.

But that's not how it going to be. That's nothing a broken dream.

Because three and a half months ago, me and you became us. Six days ago, us became strangers. In an hour, this ticket will be in the hands of some girl I talked to over the internet. For it, I will get twenty-five dollars. It feels like I should be selling it for a hundred, or a thousand. You can't put a price on what this night could have been.

And so instead, tonight I'm going with some guy I used to hook up with but never grew any sort of feelings for, just another boy-toy lost cause. And you, you're hanging out at you're place with the girl from you're past, that you used to care a lot about.

I just can't help but wonder if you too will be thinking about the night we never had.

let's make out

ph: Jelanie + Basilique // Society6

a second chance

ph: Marcos Rivas

I just got out of a short relationship but that relationship was by far the best I've been in, I had a special connection with him that I can't even describe & I have never felt that way for any of my other ex. We broke up because I found out he was chatting with his ex, not only the normal chatting but he was ranting, complaining, backstabbing & insulting me to her. We were in a long distance relationship by the way. I got pissed & we didn't talk for a week or so. After that we got the chance to meet up & talk things through. We settled everything but it was clear that we have already broken up. But I felt like the relationship deserve a second chance so I put my ego down & asked him if he would like to try again, because honestly, I love him very much. But his reply was that we should just talk for now & see how it goes in the future. I assume that it's his polite way to turn me down so I told him that I want him to be honest with me rather than trying to make me feel good. He said that he would just want to talk for now & see how things go. So I agreed, but I asked if he still has any feelings towards me. He told me that if he didn't have any feelings still, he wouldn't put in effort to try again. We talked about this yesterday, but he did not text me the entire day today. What do you think? Please help me.

even if

ph: NikaThings + quotes happy

those hands used to be mine

ph: Emily Callahan // allfangs andelbows

My dear L.,

This is the email I will probably never send you. I will never admit how much it hurts to hear you're taking another girl out, buying her glasses of wine, holding her hand in the cinema and sending her text messages. I used to be that girl, for 4 years.
I don't know what exactly happened. We stopped being in love with each other. We stopped having fun. The routine took over our lives and before we knew it, I was taking a plane in a direction and you were taking a train in the other one.

We still talk. I still cannot imagine my life without you. You were my best friend and you can't abandon your best friend when something bad happens. I know I was the one who said we should break up. I know. Although I still know we're not right for each other and if we ever got back together we would drive each other crazy in less than a week, although I know all of that I cannot imagine your hands, your beautiful hands I used to love, touching another girls, caressing her neck, her thighs, making her feel special. Those hands used to be mine. I miss those hands. I miss you. I miss us, our wine bottles and bookshelf, the way you would walk in on me while I was taking a shower, the way you used to carry me home at night when I'd had one too many drinks, I miss kissing you in the morning before I'd leave to university.

It's a bit too late for this now. And we're too far away. I am not saying I wish we were together again because I know it wouldn't work out, at least not now, not in this world. But I do admit I lie in bed at night, thinking of you, of how you're now learning the smell of another girl's hair and the shape of her ankles.

I miss you. But you're still my best friend so from the bottom of my heart, I hope she can make you happier than I ever managed to.

T.

love tattoos

photo/video: Boho Baby Bump

I love him / I love her.
Read the cute and touching story behind Jess and Sam's tattoos here.
--

i think i already do

photo: Theo Gosselin

I am trying to make sense out of all this mess; I really am because there’s got to be a rational, saner explanation as to why you have become a permanent inhabitant in my mind. Even before you came, I knew you would be a temptation, a possible cause of distraction from my vow to abstinence and loyalty to my boyfriend. I was glad I didn’t find you attractive when I first saw you striding along the corridor of our dorm. You look boyish and average, definitely not my kind of guy. Whew!

Months passed and we became closer. I look to you like the big sister that I am and you keep me amused with your adventure stories and lame jokes. It’s comfortable this thing we had you see, no emotions or butterflies; just pure, fun friendship. But one night changed everything! You flirted with our dorm mate’s sister at a party and she even slept at one of the rooms at our floor which led me to the obvious conclusion that you slept together. In an instant, it’s like a switch has been flicked somewhere and I’m seeing you more clearly than the night before. Its true then what they say that when you are about to lose someone, it will become the most important person to you. I remember not sleeping that night, constantly thinking what you two are doing locked in a room together. I have gone crazy inside after that but I never dared to tell you. You told me about it of course, how you “almost” did it with her and I’m not sure if I should believe you but it doesn’t matter right? I’m not your girlfriend, I have a boyfriend back home and you’re courting someone back in your hometown too so explaining isn’t really necessary.

I can tell by the amount of time she hangs out in our dorm that she likes you but you said you don’t that’s why I became more protective of you. We spent more time together trying to give her the idea that we’re an item and I’m beginning to feel different. The butterflies rapidly multiply, I begin to wake up in the wee hours of the night remembering how I dreamt about you, and then I start missing you.

One lazy Saturday, we hang out in my room like we usually do but this time I can feel something different, it was awkward and we were careful. Out of nowhere you kissed me and I responded, slowly at first like we’re not sure if it’s the right thing to do. I looked at you and lost all my inhibitions and caved in, it was stupid I know but the feeling seems so right. I was happy… for a while. You go to my room every night after that and the same sick feeling remains. You have no idea how guilty I am every time I talk to my boyfriend thru Skype after making out with you. We were getting dangerously close and people start to notice so I told you to slow down a little, you obliged.

We see less of each other after we talked about slowing down a bit and you don’t know how much I miss you. I miss your goodnight kisses, our long talks, cuddles and your smile. I guess I just miss all of you. I unsubscribed from your Facebook because I can’t stand looking at your cheesy status and goodnight messages to your girl, I don’t go online because it pains me when you don’t send a message, I changed your name on Skype so I won’t get thrilled every time you go online… you have no idea how much effort I put on learning how to forget you because I miss you so much. I put myself into this mess and I can’t seem to get out. I’m sorry I led you on, I’m sorry I can’t stand for you, I have to protect myself you know. I cannot risk losing my boyfriend over something I’m totally uncertain of.

But I miss you. You said you love me before but I was sure you didn’t mean it however I wish you do. Should you say those 3 words again, I might reply back because even if I don’t want to love you, I think I already do.

so close

ph: Katya Kanke + weheartit (maroon 5 lyrics)

please say yes

ph: vika bakirova

Well you are home… again. Only this time it feels different. When you were here last something happened between us and I thought my reaction (one which we both cannot forget) meant that I was repulsed by you. The more I think on it, the more I think my initial rationalisation is completely wrong. In fact, I believe it is on the other end of the scale. A scale I certainly didn’t think I would be putting you on in the near future, let alone the present. I’m fucking scared. Scared of your reaction to what I am about to tell you. And anxious that you are going to think I’m crazy (you already know this). The more I reflect on the relationships I’ve had, the more I realise a pattern occurring. I continue to push men out of my life even though I do not want to be alone. I want to find my someone. My concern is that my someone never really left and that I was simply denying what my heart was telling me because my head knew how much it hurt. My head has been ruling to protect me. And that makes sense right? You are well aware that I have this outrageous creative side with dreams and aspirations and then there is my very focused, sensible, protective side. I know you left to follow your dreams but we, we didn’t end because we didn’t love each other or because one was hurt, it just wasn’t our time. And it still isn’t. You are going back in four months but I cannot wait one more year to fill you in. I want you. I need you. I love you. I want to make you happy. I want to make your life even fuller than it is. I want to travel the world with you. I want to create even more memories than we already have. I want to be your wife (too far ha?). I need you to be the father of my children (Yep way too far haha). I need you to be mine and I need to be yours. Please say yes and we will just figure out everything else on the way. One year now is nothing compared to the four we were faced with back then.

Do I tell him? If so how do I tell him? How do I let him know? I’m 99.9% he feels the same but I am so scared.

my best surprise

ph: Sarinya Withaya

i want you and only you

ph: Jillian Marleen Becker via This Is Jayne Wayne

I've been told that I'm cold and that I don't cry enough. So here's to crying endlessly...

I've read here so many beautiful love stories abut persons who make you feel complete and never make you sad and I know that that's not us, it never has been. We're the couple that argues constantly, we say mean words to one another, but it takes just one moment for our problems to go into remission and to remember how much we love each other. It has always fascinated me how our love is so paradoxically made out of opposites. But I like it, in a sadistic way.

So you've left to college, again. We only see each other in vacations and short short weeks when one of us finds the money to come home just to be with one another. I keep thinking that it shouldn't be this hard, but I've never given up on this 'long distance' idea and neither have you. Are we crazy? It's been a year that we've been doing this and I think it could work for another two. Before you left, you told me that you find it strange that I don't ever think about us breaking up, because it would be so much easier to find other people to love that are right here, not a thousand miles away. You asked me why we love each other so much, why us, and if this pain that we're feeling isn't an unnecessary curse. I had a hard time putting my thoughts into clear ideas, but I've been thinking about this ever since you left, and...


I just wanted to tell you that it's because it is worth it. We are worth it.

No matter if you cry for days every three months, if you overuse your webcam and you start to hate the bad internet connections and the glitches of Skype. If even for a few moments you know that you feel what I feel, it's worth it. (I know you can't really know what I feel, but i can't put it into words, just imagine a run-away-with-me-and-never-look-back kind of love)

Even if you fight constantly, but at the end of the day you end up in each others arms and without saying a thing you know that it's love, it's worth it.

Even if you can't kiss him for three months and it seems like he's never there to witness your small victories, if when you get a text or a phone call from him, your heart starts to race, it's worth it.

No matter if it seems like you're wasting your time doing nothing, if it makes you happy thinking and talking to him better than doing anything else, it's worth it.

If he's the first person you want to talk to when something happens, even if he's not online and you can't reach him on his phone, if just leaving an offline message makes you feel better, then it's worth it.

And most of all, if you can cry when you need to cry, and say what you want when you want to say it, and kiss when you want to kiss, then it's certainly worth it. If you can be you without having to compromise, if you don't have to readjust your mentality for the sake of the relationship, if it works even with all the fighting and crying, then hold on to it. I know that it's hard and that we're annoying half of the time, but it's because our love is raw. No lies, no fake declarations of love, none of these.

I love you. I want everyone to know that love isn't supposed to be perfect, cuddly and warm. That it's supposed to hurt like hell and make you cry and scream, because we're human. We are made for crying and screaming and loving and hating, it's just reality.

What I'm trying to say is never be afraid to be exactly who you are with the person that you love. Even if you argue or scream at each other or kiss each other foolishly, if it feels like it's the right thing to do, do it. Because it feels the right thing to do now, to cry my heart out and then start to get used to the virtual version of you for a while. Because I know that our love is real enough to deal with this distance.

So, to answer your question, I don't ever think about breaking up because it never seems an option, it's never there in my mind. I know that it scares you that you're the only one I can see myself with now, but this is my reality. I want you, and only you, with the good and the bad and the ugly things that we deal with. That's about it.

We're worth it. Right?