Saturday, May 25, 2013

both of the guys

ph: marinna williams

When we first met in August, as we found ourselves in the same class, I didn't think of him as more than anything but a classmate. Fast-forward to New Years Eve, where in a drunken daze on the dance floor, he kissed me. Or I kissed him. Alcohol is playing tricks on my memory. Despite the irregularities that the alcohol-smitten mind can provide, it was not something that I regretted. He were nice, the night was nice and he kept repeating cheesy things like "You're the most beautiful person here". I laughed at his cheesiness and I accepted them merely as a token of his alcoholic delusion and I didn't expect to hear those words again. Two days later, he texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet him. I was cringing as I realized the gratitude of it all – we were in the same class! If things got awkward, it would be multiplied by a hundred as it seemed like everyone in my class knew about us. I agreed to have some hot-chocolate with you. Fast-forward four months, we are still seeing each other but we haven't defined what we are. It is all hanging loose in the air. He seems to have committed to me, he hasn't been with anyone else. I was ready to become his and his only, for weeks he was the only thing on my mind. But he lacked decisiveness and was not progressive or vocal about what he wanted us to be. I had looked at others; had sex with one boy and had kissed two other boys. I thought it was all fine until he started saying things that indicated that he thought that we were a couple. My insides turned as I realized what he meant by those words and I was confused as I thought that I had missed the signals. But sooner than later, I realized that we still were where we had been: loose in the air, even though he seemed to think that we were a serious couple. During these past months, I have spent countless hours on doubting us – is this what I want? Do I really like him and so on and so forth.

A few weeks ago, I met a guy who I want to have an ongoing sexual relationship with and now the problem is what I should do with the former guy. Should I inform him about my newly discovered polygamous tendencies whilst risking our entire relationship or should I just keep my mouth shut?

What I want is both of the guys, they're different from each other and I have different relationships with them. One is okay with us not being exclusive but the other thinks that we are a couple. What should I do?

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