Wednesday, May 1, 2013

i want you and only you

ph: Jillian Marleen Becker via This Is Jayne Wayne

I've been told that I'm cold and that I don't cry enough. So here's to crying endlessly...

I've read here so many beautiful love stories abut persons who make you feel complete and never make you sad and I know that that's not us, it never has been. We're the couple that argues constantly, we say mean words to one another, but it takes just one moment for our problems to go into remission and to remember how much we love each other. It has always fascinated me how our love is so paradoxically made out of opposites. But I like it, in a sadistic way.

So you've left to college, again. We only see each other in vacations and short short weeks when one of us finds the money to come home just to be with one another. I keep thinking that it shouldn't be this hard, but I've never given up on this 'long distance' idea and neither have you. Are we crazy? It's been a year that we've been doing this and I think it could work for another two. Before you left, you told me that you find it strange that I don't ever think about us breaking up, because it would be so much easier to find other people to love that are right here, not a thousand miles away. You asked me why we love each other so much, why us, and if this pain that we're feeling isn't an unnecessary curse. I had a hard time putting my thoughts into clear ideas, but I've been thinking about this ever since you left, and...

I just wanted to tell you that it's because it is worth it. We are worth it.

No matter if you cry for days every three months, if you overuse your webcam and you start to hate the bad internet connections and the glitches of Skype. If even for a few moments you know that you feel what I feel, it's worth it. (I know you can't really know what I feel, but i can't put it into words, just imagine a run-away-with-me-and-never-look-back kind of love)

Even if you fight constantly, but at the end of the day you end up in each others arms and without saying a thing you know that it's love, it's worth it.

Even if you can't kiss him for three months and it seems like he's never there to witness your small victories, if when you get a text or a phone call from him, your heart starts to race, it's worth it.

No matter if it seems like you're wasting your time doing nothing, if it makes you happy thinking and talking to him better than doing anything else, it's worth it.

If he's the first person you want to talk to when something happens, even if he's not online and you can't reach him on his phone, if just leaving an offline message makes you feel better, then it's worth it.

And most of all, if you can cry when you need to cry, and say what you want when you want to say it, and kiss when you want to kiss, then it's certainly worth it. If you can be you without having to compromise, if you don't have to readjust your mentality for the sake of the relationship, if it works even with all the fighting and crying, then hold on to it. I know that it's hard and that we're annoying half of the time, but it's because our love is raw. No lies, no fake declarations of love, none of these.

I love you. I want everyone to know that love isn't supposed to be perfect, cuddly and warm. That it's supposed to hurt like hell and make you cry and scream, because we're human. We are made for crying and screaming and loving and hating, it's just reality.

What I'm trying to say is never be afraid to be exactly who you are with the person that you love. Even if you argue or scream at each other or kiss each other foolishly, if it feels like it's the right thing to do, do it. Because it feels the right thing to do now, to cry my heart out and then start to get used to the virtual version of you for a while. Because I know that our love is real enough to deal with this distance.

So, to answer your question, I don't ever think about breaking up because it never seems an option, it's never there in my mind. I know that it scares you that you're the only one I can see myself with now, but this is my reality. I want you, and only you, with the good and the bad and the ugly things that we deal with. That's about it.

We're worth it. Right?
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