Sunday, May 19, 2013

my best kept secret

Untitled by margaret durow, on Flickr
ph: Margaret Durow

My therapist said I should write you a letter. Free hand, she said. Just keep writing and writing. But if I did this with a pen my arm would give out much faster than my fingers would typing on a computer. So I went for the 21st century version of writing a letter. I feel almost angry writing this, knowing you’ll never read it. I know you’ll never read it because I’ll never have the guts to give it to you. There’s no point. It’d be like reading a letter from a stranger. Because that’s what we are. What we’ve become. Strangers. I don’t even know how either of us would react were we to pass one another on the street. Would we smile? Light up with joy? Or be shy and coy? Would we ignore one another, or pretend like we hadn’t seen each other and quickly glance the other way? Would it be awkward or extraordinary? My therapist knows a few things about me. Where I go to school, my relationship with my parents, what I want to be, my addictions. And last week she learned another thing about me. I am a hopeless romantic. I am a 22 year old woman holding onto the relationship I had when I was a 15 year old girl because I’ve yet to find another relationship as fulfilling since ours. As I was explaining our story to her I could hear and feel how pathetic I sounded. How delusional. I didn’t mention to her that I’ve driven past your house 3 times in the last month to see if your car was in the driveway. Am I hitting stalker potential? Is it you I miss or the feelings that relationship gave me? I know how crazy I sound. “Let go” everyone I’ve ever told our story to says, “you need to learn to let go”. But how does one go about doing that? It’s been four years since I’ve seen you. Six since we’ve broken up. Don’t you think if I knew how to let go I would have done it by now?! I feel like screaming at them all.

Most days I am able to convince myself I think about you so often because I long to be in love again. And you were the only person I’ve ever experienced that with. And then other days I am imagining scenarios in my head of what I’d do if we met face to face again. A lot of the time I wonder if you ever think of me. If you wonder what I’m doing. I mean I live down the street, I’m your ex girlfriend, your first serious relationship you must think of me sometimes, right? Writing this I feel so foolish. I see on paper the thoughts and feelings in my head that I am ashamed of. This is really getting quite old you know? I’m sick of talking about it myself. I wish I could see you once more soon, this summer even, just so I can get the idea of seeing you out of my head. And maybe then I’ll feel better. I don’t know why it is I feel the need to see you. I think the spiteful part of me just wants to see how you’d react.

You nailed it on the head when signing my high school yearbook, “I guess the saddest thing about our whole situation is that there was no definite ending.” You can say that again. I need an ending. I don’t leave things half finished or with a “…. To be continued” on the end. You’ve gone on and written two other love stories while I am still here waiting for the final unfinished chapter of ours. This is a co-author deal here Glen, I can’t write the ending alone. Jesus I sound like such a psycho ex girlfriend. But I often wonder do you talk to your friends about me at all? When they talk to me every now and then do you guys have casual conversation about it? “Oh I saw Brittany in New Brunswick the other night…”

I guess I just don’t understand how someone can mean so much to you and then you’re okay with never seeing them again. I’ve been okay with not seeing exes because I wasn’t in love with them. I was only ever in love with you, and I know in my heart you were in love with me too. How do you fall out of love? More importantly how do you fall out of your first love? Is it possible to? Is it really possible to ever fully move on? Or do we just find someone else to fall in love with to fill the void? I think the saddest thing about my still thinking about this all these years later is I don’t even really know you now. We’ve been apart five years since high school and we’ve both changed, and grown, and become two totally different people from who we were when we were 17. In a way as a result of the ending of our relationship and the obviousness that we weren’t getting back together I think I started to love myself a little less. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for me to lose myself in the college scene. I’ve changed a lot you know. Not so great in some ways. I’ve damaged my body, my relationships, my GPA, my trustworthiness, and most of all my spirit. You said in my yearbook not to lose myself among the crowd, to stand out and be individualistic. Is that what you loved about me so much? That back when I was in high school I didn’t care about fitting in? I don’t blame the friends I’ve made, I have made some wonderful ones along the way don’t get me wrong. They have pulled me out of some of my darkest nights, moments I would never dare to bring up again. I blame my inability to say no when it was appropriate. But it would be so easy to blame you for all of my downfalls the last five years. I’ve tried relationships but got bored. I’ve run away from opportunities to be loved. I’ve been reckless with others’ hearts. I have been chaotic. And I’m not proud. But I’m learning and working on it and trying to get myself back to a place where I’m not afraid to look in the mirror. But you don't know any of this about me.

So I wake up day to day, go to work, go to class, go to family functions, hang out with friends, drive my car, take showers, apply makeup, read books, eat dinner with my family, go to church, run in my neighborhood, go to the grocery store and the mall, order coffee at drive throughs, text several people a day, see a therapist, write in a diary, stay up late, do all of this and all the awhile no one I come in contact with ever knows that I am always thinking of you. You have always been my best kept secret.

15 comments:

  1. Some of us just click with very few people, and when we do, we can't (possibly ever) unclick...

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  2. I love secrets!

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  3. I guess you need to ask yourself whether or not you want to move on and let go. And answer truly and honestly. You seem to know that there is almost no chance for the both of you to be together again so you have to face it. (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, not my intention) It's so much easier said than done, trust me, I know I was going through the exact same thing. He was my first love too and he broke my heart.

    My therapist tells me all the time to love myself and realise you deserved better. Try to think less about him, whether he's thinking of you etc because it shouldn't matter anymore. Think more about yourself; ways to heal and feel better.

    All the best :)

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  4. I love that last part. It's beautifully written.

    xoxo Laurenzia

    ohnowheregirl.com

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  5. this is heart-breaking, romantic, sad and touching.

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  6. I wish that I could give you some sort of hope.. But Im currently in a similar situation.. All I can tell you.. that it might not feel right to move on, and some people make it look so easy..and I dont know how others can move from one relationship to another, but you have to do the same..Its the only way, you can move on. You have to cloese your eyes and mind and tell yourself that you really do deserve better..And allow youself ever to feel that kind of love again.. You have to believe it, and tell yourself that you deserve this kind of love with another person.. Because thats how other people do it, even though that for some people like you and me, it doesnt seem right.. Wishing you all the best.

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  7. I dont know who u are,but it's amazing... Im 21 and i broke up with him when I was 15, and now its 6 years since we broke up ! But i've seen him after that, it hurts the most, i can see him everyday if i want cause he works near to my home. but i dont want to see..no , i want, but i try to say myself that i dont . I dont know what to say right now or how to say , your story ...when i read it ...its like i wrote it myself. I cant believe it . everything is same ..

    I'm afraid that we can never let them go, even if somehow we want it...or we dont . that love never goes away .

    M.

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  8. Your blog is packed with emotion, reading it brings so many feelings.

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  9. A very wise man once told me that one of the first things he really took on board in AA is that the only person whose actions you can truly control, is yourself. This is NOT a 'co-author deal'. You can, and you WILL, write your own ending to this chapter of your life and the only variable becomes when you choose to do so. I hope you are able to imbue the ending with all the obvious romance and compassion in your soul and that you can learn to love yourself a little more for coming through this. You are stronger than you may think.

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  10. That last para of yours reminded me how broken I am. I am sick of pretending. I am sick of trying to move on. But I don't want to. But I have to. What do I do?

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  11. take it 10 minutes at a time than half hour than hour. anytime you think of him think of something else. one day you will wake up and wont think of him. one day thinking of him won't hurt. time heals i promise that. i was there: the dates set, presents bought and then he walked out. time heals. let it.

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  12. That is my best secret: http://www.thetruetaoofbadass.com/

    Regards

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  13. https://soundcloud.com/robert-vr/mundos-paralelos

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