Friday, May 3, 2013
please say yes
ph: vika bakirova
Well you are home… again. Only this time it feels different. When you were here last something happened between us and I thought my reaction (one which we both cannot forget) meant that I was repulsed by you. The more I think on it, the more I think my initial rationalisation is completely wrong. In fact, I believe it is on the other end of the scale. A scale I certainly didn’t think I would be putting you on in the near future, let alone the present. I’m fucking scared. Scared of your reaction to what I am about to tell you. And anxious that you are going to think I’m crazy (you already know this). The more I reflect on the relationships I’ve had, the more I realise a pattern occurring. I continue to push men out of my life even though I do not want to be alone. I want to find my someone. My concern is that my someone never really left and that I was simply denying what my heart was telling me because my head knew how much it hurt. My head has been ruling to protect me. And that makes sense right? You are well aware that I have this outrageous creative side with dreams and aspirations and then there is my very focused, sensible, protective side. I know you left to follow your dreams but we, we didn’t end because we didn’t love each other or because one was hurt, it just wasn’t our time. And it still isn’t. You are going back in four months but I cannot wait one more year to fill you in. I want you. I need you. I love you. I want to make you happy. I want to make your life even fuller than it is. I want to travel the world with you. I want to create even more memories than we already have. I want to be your wife (too far ha?). I need you to be the father of my children (Yep way too far haha). I need you to be mine and I need to be yours. Please say yes and we will just figure out everything else on the way. One year now is nothing compared to the four we were faced with back then.
Do I tell him? If so how do I tell him? How do I let him know? I’m 99.9% he feels the same but I am so scared.