Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I remember that day in bed when my ear was pressed against his chest; his heart beat was beating loudly in that perfect body of his and his vibrating voice echoed through. I could feel it too. I counted that he had 23 birthmarks on his stomach, tracing them with the tip of my fingers. We talked for a long time in that position, talked about life, music, love, our love, him, me, us, everything.
We noticed that the sun had gone down and decided to grab something to eat. We raided the fridge, eating with our fingers in our underwear on the kitchen floor. He started playing on his acoustic guitar, his eyes shut, making that silly face. But suddenly, he stopped.
He looked up, smiled at me and bent over to kiss me. I giggled. Then he let go of the guitar to sit closer to me so he could hug me. I asked him why he got so lovey dovey all of a sudden. He replied with another kiss and said because he loved me. I loved him too, very much, and I told him that.
We stared into each others' eyes for a long time and I could feel the tears building up behind mine.
‘’You’ve never seen me cry have you?’’ I asked.
‘’No, and I hope that I never will.’’ He replied back with a serious voice.
But he did.
The salty water just came pouring down my face while he, confused, tried to wipe them away with his thumbs and kisses.
‘’Why are you crying?’’ He asked, almost crying himself.
‘’Because I love you.’’ I hated how desperate I sounded.
‘’But why are you crying then?’’
I didn’t know how to tell him. Tell him that he was the only boy in the world that could make me feel so happy and sad at the same time, tell him how lost I feel when he’s not around, how jealous I get when I’m with him that I swear I could hurt somebody. Tell him that I’m so in love with him and the love we shared, so happy that he was the one I woke up to everyday, even though he snores fucking loud sometime. Tell him that when he talks my whole body shivers, how when he kisses me I forget to breath sometimes, how I feel like a little girl when he puts my hair behind my ears, even though I hate how I look with my hair like that. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t understand why he loved me. So I simply replied:
‘’Because I love you.’’
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The moon. I have always been drawn to it. Connected, in some inexplicable way. A silent kinship. There’s the moon, asking to stay. All my life, I’ve regarded it with a solemn reverence. For the tempestuous storm it brews. The ebb and flow. Love, lust, and longing. Sorrow and anguish. Strength and hope. Brazen resilience. An image of change. Of life itself. Birth and death and rebirth. Continuous incontinuity. Everything amounts to this enormous beauty I know I will never fully be able to grasp. In all this, the moon reflects the heart of life. The kaleidoscope flux of the soul. The moon. It’s a cause for introspection. A mirror of who I have been, and a promise of who I can become.
I changed when you came into my life. Time and experience had left me rough around the edges. I learned to get on, without needing anything or anyone else. I never wanted to be different or try and be better for any other person. But then you happened. You showed me what it was to love. How beautiful it could be to share something like that with another person. And then I wanted to be better for you all of the time. For some reason, I was never able to do it. It took losing you for me to realise what an awful person I had become by the end of our relationship. I couldn’t see it then, the way I do now. The truth is that I mistreated you. I was selfish, unreasonable, and immature. You did not deserve it. I need you to know how sorry I am for who I was. I want you to know that I know I was unfair to you, and that I regret it deeply. For as much as I loved you, I never ever should have treated you the way I did. I am so sorry. I don’t know how or why I became that person, but she isn’t someone I would recognize now.
When our relationship ended, I found myself down a passage of self-reflection, the depth of which I had never before traversed. I had to come to terms with the faults and weaknesses I began to see within me. I realised that I had neglected a lot of people in my life. I had spent most of my life unable to see anything beyond my own stupid hang ups. I was so self-involved and intent on shutting out the rest of the world, that I had failed to give those I loved what they deserved from me. I don’t think I truly understood what guilt felt like until that point.
I used to think a lot about the people I didn't have in my life anymore. Of those, there were some that the circumstances of life took from me, and others that I let fall away. It was faith that made me believe that you would never become one of those people. I had spent too much time grieving over the ones who had left, and I reminded myself to be grateful for those that remained. I always tried to make sure I appreciated your presence in my life. I guess somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that. I’ve learned too much from life to ever make that mistake again. When we were together, it was because of you that I wanted to be a better person. Throughout your absence, that sentiment remains. And I owe it to you. You were always there for me. I don’t have words to express how much you’ve taught me about love, faith, and what it means to be a good person. Thank you.
The last thing I want to tell you is how much you meant to me. I will never forget our time together. You changed my life. And if I know anything at all, it’s that what we had was real. My love for you was true. And I loved you the best way I knew how. I haven’t said it with a lot of words or any poeticism, but there it is. As honest as I can say it.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
To the one that holds her heart,
This is going to sound so very cliche, but if you break her heart, I will run you over with my car. Now I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am, but trust me I know all about you. You see, I have many friends, in many places. And I just wanted to make sure that the one who is dating the girl that I love with all my heart is in good hands. Since you have not received any threats yet, I guess you’re an alright guy.
But here’s a couple tips for you, always text her back, she gets really frustrated if you don’t. Don’t ever hang up on her without saying good-bye first, I’ve done that countless times and she gets really pissed off. She has certain days where she has to watch her shows like Pretty Little Liars and One Tree hill, make sure you don’t plan anything on those days. Surprise her, she likes them. She’s only ticklish in some spots and sometime she isn’t ticklish at all. She’s a fighter haha. And if she’s quoting Taylor Swift, either you’re in really big trouble or you’re making her happy.
And when you hug her, remember that you are hugging the most beautiful girl in the world and that you should always hug her back tighter. If she argues with her, argue back. But give in to her sometimes cause she can be a real bitch when she wants to be. Don’t hurt her, that will be the worst thing that you will ever do.
You have no idea how lucky you are to call her yours. So cherish it. You have the honor of holding her hand. You have the privilege to kiss her when you want. You have the ability to make her happy. She isn’t just another girl, she’s that girl that can make you the happiest person ever if you give her the chance. She’s worth everything. Everything. Take care of her.
The one who lost her
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Dear best friend,
I miss you like hell. Every single day I miss you, your smile, hugs, laugh and jokes. I need you in my life like I need my sister and mom. You just have to believe it yourself, and not to mention believe in yourself. I don’t say this just because I feel like I have to, it’s because I need to, and I want you to know this. I miss you so much. And to the things that I told you last summer, I must say that it was a total mistake. I don’t love you like that. Or, I do, but I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I just want your loving friendship, our loving friendship. What really hurts me, is that you never answered, never even texted me. You could have said something, just left a text saying you were sorry that I felt like that or whatever. But the thing was, I never felt like that. I just missed you so much that I thought I loved you. I thought the feeling I got was out of love, the real love. I was so wrong, and I lost you because of it. It’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. They say that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Well, now I do. It kills me to see you now, the way you act around other people, around my friends and me. I don’t see anything of the old you, only a new and totally insecure you needing a real friend. I want to be that friend. I want to help you. I know this sounds really creepy, but sometimes I even dream of you. We’re friends again, everything is so good and peaceful, and I don’t even have to worry about your uptight girlfriend. Then when I wake up, I’m sadder than ever. I try so hard to fall asleep again and just picture us together laughing and feeling so safe and calm. But it’s just a dream, and I go to school and you don’t even look at me. It breaks me inside. I want what’s best for you in your life. I hope you know that. I just wish I could be a part of it.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Why can’t I stop thinking about you? It was such a mistake. All of it… an all-consuming error in judgment that had me captivated and mesmerized by the situation. A good girl to the core, this was far beyond the everyday workings of such a responsible and trustworthy person like myself. Would it be corny to say, “you had me at hello”? - Because you did. I was drawn to you like a drug and from the first night that we spent together I was hooked. You were the perfect escape and release from the mundane aspects of reality. I would daydream about you and smile when I saw your name flash up on my phone; I would go back to the park where we met hoping to see you. It started out so innocent, the standard steps of a growing romance but then you broke my heart and made me become the other woman and in doing so you forced me to defy all the written rules of sisterhood and common decency. With this new information I tried to stay away from you and to be mature about what had happened and ignore the fact that you had used me, the fact that you had taken advantage of my naivety and my openness. But you were everywhere I looked, everywhere I went and you would reel me back in with empty promises and sweet talkings. You would tell me how beautiful I was and how you thought I was one of the most fascinating people you had ever met and so we went round in pointless and painful circles. You would hurt me and I would let you. You had even somehow let me believe that this was my idea and you were going along for the ride. To this day I still don’t know if you were right. Was it my fault? Could I have done more to prevent this? I shall spend years contemplating this. But because of you, I have grown – you took away my innocence and left me damaged. Things have been over for years, but you still obtain such a large space in my thoughts and I need closure, a concluding end to this chapter in my life that will always make me feel shame. So this is it. This is me saying goodbye to you, and that I will soon be the person I was once again. This is also me saying sorry, sorry that I let you hurt me, it wont happen again.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Today I woke up, and I felt empty inside. This isn’t the first time this has happened recently, in fact for the past two months this is how I’ve been feeling every day. I keep trying to pinpoint what is making me feel this way, blaming it on the fact that I hate my job. Then blaming stress, and then blaming anything I could that wasn’t the truth. However the fact of the matter is, I’m feeling empty because the person that I love is miles away.
We met in the strangest way, and our time together was simple and yet so incredible. The few months that we spent together were some of the happiest months of my life. Every time you came to visit me, I felt a kind of happiness that I can’t even explain; and every time you left I counted down the days until I would see you again. I fell for you after only knowing you for a few days, and after that I just continued to fall. I loved the simple text messages you would send me every morning, telling me how beautiful I was and how much you missed me. I loved the way you smelled like cigarettes, I loved your tattoos, and I loved your smile. I even loved your friends; I looked forward to seeing them almost as much as I looked forward to seeing you. You were everything to me, the person who brought me back to life after I had thought my days of loving another were over.
I was so happy that it seemed like nothing could bring me down, but a fear that I knew all too well was creeping up on me, as it had done with all of my past relationships. I was now so afraid of what life would be like without you that I convinced myself that everything would be easier if I ended our relationship before I began to rely on you too much. I pushed you away. I let you go. Now I don’t think I will ever forgive myself.
Time passed, and we stayed in touch. We often made plans to reunite, but of course that never worked out. Before I knew it you were leaving, moving even further away. I told myself that this would be for the best, that I could finally get over you. The funny thing is, now my love for you is even stronger. The boys that I date seem dull, and this makes me miss you even more. These boys can’t make me laugh the way you did, the sight of them doesn’t make me feel like the happiest girl in the world. This is how you made me feel every time I saw you.
We now talk more than we ever did, and everyday I think about telling you all of this. If you felt the same way, I would hop on a plane and fly to wherever you are. I’ve come to realize that my life here is nothing without you. But if your feelings for me are long gone, I don’t think I could handle hearing you tell me this. It would kill me.
So, I’m stuck. I will continue to wake up every day feeling empty and I will carry on with my day-to-day life, until maybe, just maybe, you decide to tell me that I’m not alone in this and that you too have felt empty since we’ve been apart.
Monday, April 11, 2011
I remember when we first started dating, everyone said it wasn't going to work out. No one believed that I would survive this kind of relationship. But still, here we are, you and me together still. But I'm starting to get scared that at the same time we're not. That we're not the same people. That we have lost the spark. That the fire that burned passionate in our hearts, now is only a fire that's burning us in a hurting way.
On saturday it'll be 8 months. 8 months in a distant relationship. That's long for me. "When we've survived the first year, the second one will be easy" you keep saying. "It's only one or two more years babe!". But that's long babe. It's a long time, and if we keep loosing more and more of our love, how are we gonna survive two more years? I wish I could say that I believe it, and that I'm not scared. But I can't.
After seven months in our relationship, it all changed. It wasn't me who changed it, it was you. And I know that we've moved past it, and I know that you think that we're still the same couple as we were before. But we're not. And I just hate that you don't see that. Or maybe you see it, but you don't tell. Like I do. I say that I'm fine, because I am. But we're not. And I hope that one day we'll get past it, that we will be like we used to, because I want that, because I want to be with you forever. But now, I still sometimes hear your voice saying the most awful words I've ever heard come out from your mouth. "I slept with another girl".
Yes, I know you were drunk. I know you regret it. And I know everything that is worth knowing. And yes, I've forgiven you. No, I didn't break up with you. I didn't want to do it then, and I don't want to do it know either. But I'm just scared you know. I'm just hurted. I'm confused. Because mistakes like that aren't supposed to happen. You know that too. Like, look at our friends couples. It hasn't happened to them has it? No. But then again, our friends couples aren't like us.
And that brings us back to the distance. The fact that while my best friend spends all of her days with his boyfriend, I only get one day a week. Sometimes none. That kind of changes everything doesn't it? That sometimes make me think that we haven't really been together for eight months, but like one. The distance, the eight lettered word, that changes everything. That little word, that little bus ride, makes us both so vulnerable. And weak. And scared. But no one is really admitting it.
I wish I could say that saturday is eight months, but that's nothing compared to the years in our future. But right now I can only hope.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
5 years ago I first laid eyes on you.
Time passed, we grew stronger and closer. But we remained as friends.
We argued, made up, joked around, had serious conversations, kissed and cuddled, went for late night drives, knew everything about each other. But yet this label of boyfriend and girlfriend was never there and it always confused you.
So here is the truth:
You always asked me the reason why we had never got together and that it confused and frustrated you, it confused our parents too. The reason is that, us being together terrifies me. The thought of us having a label means that we have something to loose and I never want to loose you. That label means that you have the ability to hurt me. I don't know what this is, whether it's love or not, because I've never been in love before. But every time I'm in your arms, I feel safe, I feel like there's no place in this world I'd rather be. You can stop the tears rolling down my face simply by smiling at me. The moments we spend together I cherish and although we're different in so many ways, we're so alike. We've been with other people whilst we've had our "friendship" and it gets me jealous but I'd rather see you like another person, than live without you for a second. You're like the air I breath and when we have our arguments it feels like a piece of me is missing. I don't know how much longer we'll have this friendship before you get frustrated that we're nothing more. I'll cherish this while i can.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
It is the same old story isn't it? Two people who loved yet could never be together.
Now that’s mine.
I met him at this event. He got to know me when his friends tried playing a prank on him and teased him by bringing him up to me. At that moment, a social butterfly like me was too engrossed in the conversations with his friends that I overlooked this shy-looking boy beside, blushing.
We exchanged contacts, and soon to realise he’s my sister’s school-mate and they were heading to Hong Kong together in a month’s time. Just to cut it short, we were the ones who found the right person at the wrong time. We started out purely as friends, and none of us were looking at a relationship. I was entering University in four months’ time, and he was enlisting to army in half a year. Nothing seemed favourable for us in the long term. So we had this push-pull affair, when we could not resist having the strong emotional attachment through our long hours of phone calls, yet held back with the control of our logical minds. We had this amazing chemistry between the both of us, something that struck us during our first phone conversation, when we talked for hours non-stop. It was as though we were long-lost friends. We shared our past. We never judged. We were honest and frank with each other. We could read each other’s minds, like completing each other’s sentences even. Yes that was how it went. Soon, we talked on the phone every single day for a few months, yet we seldom met up. We never truly dated. We used to be comfortable with how things had been going.
Till I began to feel insecure, incomplete, I needed him more and more each day. I became so afraid to lose him, that someday when I wake up, he may be gone. No matter how much he tried to reassure me or convince me, I never believed, I didn't dare to. After all, we were not an official couple. I was nothing to him, except that we knew deep down inside we were. Four months like these passed. And this ambiguous affair started to drive us crazy. It turned out to be a psycho routine, one with love and hurt, coming together and letting go. Soon, we were sick of this relationship, but not sick of each other. We knew what was best for us, that was to let go and set each other free. Yet I was not ready, never seemed to be. And he stayed by my side all these while, waiting for someday that I could be strong and handle everything myself, before he could leave.
We shared our dreams. We believed in each other more than we did in ourselves. He swore he would be the ‘legend’, to enter my course in University one day. And I would become the ‘miracle’ and be the top student in my University. Yes you were right. We had similar goals in life. He was passionate in journalism like how I was in Public Relations. He loved writing, especially after picking up freelancing projects to build up his portfolio. I loved talking to all sorts of people. That was how we clicked, so well.
Then again, we knew this had to stop and it was not bringing us any further. We were just hurting each other. It was too much to handle. No matter how hard it seemed, eventually he let me go. Yes he did. He left me, completely helpless. I died of love in his shadow. Broken. Incomplete. Empty. Yet we knew, this fateful day would arrive, someday. So I picked myself up and swore to do well at my University, lead a fulfilling life- even without him. He did what he had to- enlisted into the army, braved through the dark stormy nights and dirty muds. We did the best we could.
We were beautiful. Though it was a short five months, I swore it was one of the best moments in my life. We never kissed. We never touched. Not even a real hug. We kept a distance, to find ourselves getting closer. He took up the challenge of time. He claimed he would come back for me one day when he was ready for me, for a serious relationship, when he found his path in life. I never truly believed this. And now all I hoped was that it'd be real. Yet no one knew. No matter how much I tried to gain reassurance from my dearest friends, no one could give me an answer, that he would come back. “If it was meant to be, it will be” And that was all I had got.
Three months later, we talked again, just before attending my sister’s 21st birthday bash. It was amazing how we talked like we never truly left each other. We were still all the same, the things we teased each other about, the way we giggled, the way we used to be. Nothing had changed, and I was just thankful.
It was pretty hard for me to trust him wholeheartedly like I did in the first place again. After all, he was the one who hurt me so deeply. He left me, all alone, when I needed him the most. It was fear holding me back. And the reluctance to believe in our future again. I built a wall around me. He had to prove it to me this time round. I fought hard enough for him, and now it was time for him to do the same.
Yet again, something happened. And I broke down in front of him again. I could never stay strong in front of him. It felt like all those previous months of gaining independence and cold were all shattered within a few days, just like that. I could not resist his voice. I found comfort within him. He was there for me, as he said he would always be. He told me he had so much to say, yet he could not. And that he believed I would find someone better whom I deserved someday. I just listened. There was nothing else for me to say, nothing I could do. I could not make him stay. No.
Soon, he disappeared out of my life again. I expected it. We chose this path. It had been a tough journey to get us here. We could not afford to turn back anymore. We could just go on and see where we could go.
Yet we were beautiful.
He is the most amazing guy I ever met in my entire lifetime. No matter what happens in future, I know he will always have a special place in my heart. All I wish is the best for him and that he can find happiness in his life. For me, I am truly grateful for his existence in my life, and knowing that is bliss. I am thankful for everything he taught me, to have ever experienced love, to have found him.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Isn't the funny to see how the memory works? It's like a paper, or chewing gum, that you can shape from one thing to another.
I was in France during the spring when I met him. It was love at first sight. He lived in another city, so every weekend either he or I took the 3h train just so we could be with each other. Four months passed, and I had to return back to Finland. It was a painful goodbye, with tears and promises.
July came and so did he. He spent three weeks here, and already then I started feeling like everything wasn't as it should have been. I felt like I wasn't as much in love with him as I was before. We fought and fought and fought all the time he was here. At last he went home to France, but we still decided that I would come to see him.
September came and I went to see him in France. Two weeks. When I sat on the plane I just wanted to cry, I really didn't want to see him, I didn't have feelings for him anymore and it was hard with the distance. I cried all the time, until I finally arrived to the southern France. I felt at home again, France, oh how I had missed you!
When I now look back at it, was it more that I was high on life, high on the fact that I was in France once again, than high on love. It was so much easier this time, and when I came home I tried to convince myself that I haven't ever been as in love with HIM as I was then. Actually I just was in love with life.
October came, and he came, for the last time, to Finland to see me. I told him weeks before he came that it's over, and nothing will change it, but he still insisted on coming, even though I told him not to. It was hell on earth. He tried to convince me that we belonged together, but I didn't want to, I didn't have feelings for him at all. We fought and cried and he ran away, came back. Then one day he had left his facebook on, and I just needed to check one thing, fast, when I suddenly saw all the messages he had sent to all his girls in France. He had been cheating on me this whole time.
Even though I didn't have feelings for him any more I was devastated. I've seen signs of this before, but he had just denied it, and I believed him. I felt so stupid. I told him what I knew, but he started to deny and lie about it. How the hell can he even think that I would believe him, that they were just friends, when I've seen messages as "I miss you my love, when I'm coming home we're going to spend real quality time together" "I think about you all the time" "I love you" etc. I panicked and told him that I never ever want to see him again. And then, bam, he hit me.
The next days are just a blur, I felt so bad, and so ashamed. Finally he left. We decided to try to stay friends, but I told him I needed time, and I'll contact him when I'm ready. But he never gave me that time that I needed. He called me, emailed me, sent me text as soon as he got home. I told him to stop, and he did for a while, but instead he started to contact my mom and friends. Now he's sending me e-mails asking me if I think about him still, if I got any boyfriends, and he won't leave me alone.
When I decided that I wanted to break up with him, I wanted it to be possible that I could look back on our relationship with good memories, and remember how in love I was. But now I can't understand why I see in him. And I think it's horrible. Because I was in love with him the first 4 months, I was sure that we would make it, and that it would be US for the rest of the life, because it sure felt like it. But no. Just bad bad bad memories.
Isn't it funny to see how memories changes?