Wednesday, April 6, 2011

grateful for his existence


It is the same old story isn't it? Two people who loved yet could never be together.
Now that’s mine.

I met him at this event. He got to know me when his friends tried playing a prank on him and teased him by bringing him up to me. At that moment, a social butterfly like me was too engrossed in the conversations with his friends that I overlooked this shy-looking boy beside, blushing.

We exchanged contacts, and soon to realise he’s my sister’s school-mate and they were heading to Hong Kong together in a month’s time. Just to cut it short, we were the ones who found the right person at the wrong time. We started out purely as friends, and none of us were looking at a relationship. I was entering University in four months’ time, and he was enlisting to army in half a year. Nothing seemed favourable for us in the long term. So we had this push-pull affair, when we could not resist having the strong emotional attachment through our long hours of phone calls, yet held back with the control of our logical minds. We had this amazing chemistry between the both of us, something that struck us during our first phone conversation, when we talked for hours non-stop. It was as though we were long-lost friends. We shared our past. We never judged. We were honest and frank with each other. We could read each other’s minds, like completing each other’s sentences even. Yes that was how it went. Soon, we talked on the phone every single day for a few months, yet we seldom met up. We never truly dated. We used to be comfortable with how things had been going.

Till I began to feel insecure, incomplete, I needed him more and more each day. I became so afraid to lose him, that someday when I wake up, he may be gone. No matter how much he tried to reassure me or convince me, I never believed, I didn't dare to. After all, we were not an official couple. I was nothing to him, except that we knew deep down inside we were. Four months like these passed. And this ambiguous affair started to drive us crazy. It turned out to be a psycho routine, one with love and hurt, coming together and letting go. Soon, we were sick of this relationship, but not sick of each other. We knew what was best for us, that was to let go and set each other free. Yet I was not ready, never seemed to be. And he stayed by my side all these while, waiting for someday that I could be strong and handle everything myself, before he could leave.

We shared our dreams. We believed in each other more than we did in ourselves. He swore he would be the ‘legend’, to enter my course in University one day. And I would become the ‘miracle’ and be the top student in my University. Yes you were right. We had similar goals in life. He was passionate in journalism like how I was in Public Relations. He loved writing, especially after picking up freelancing projects to build up his portfolio. I loved talking to all sorts of people. That was how we clicked, so well.

Then again, we knew this had to stop and it was not bringing us any further. We were just hurting each other. It was too much to handle. No matter how hard it seemed, eventually he let me go. Yes he did. He left me, completely helpless. I died of love in his shadow. Broken. Incomplete. Empty. Yet we knew, this fateful day would arrive, someday. So I picked myself up and swore to do well at my University, lead a fulfilling life- even without him. He did what he had to- enlisted into the army, braved through the dark stormy nights and dirty muds. We did the best we could.

We were beautiful. Though it was a short five months, I swore it was one of the best moments in my life. We never kissed. We never touched. Not even a real hug. We kept a distance, to find ourselves getting closer. He took up the challenge of time. He claimed he would come back for me one day when he was ready for me, for a serious relationship, when he found his path in life. I never truly believed this. And now all I hoped was that it'd be real. Yet no one knew. No matter how much I tried to gain reassurance from my dearest friends, no one could give me an answer, that he would come back. “If it was meant to be, it will be” And that was all I had got.

Three months later, we talked again, just before attending my sister’s 21st birthday bash. It was amazing how we talked like we never truly left each other. We were still all the same, the things we teased each other about, the way we giggled, the way we used to be. Nothing had changed, and I was just thankful.

It was pretty hard for me to trust him wholeheartedly like I did in the first place again. After all, he was the one who hurt me so deeply. He left me, all alone, when I needed him the most. It was fear holding me back. And the reluctance to believe in our future again. I built a wall around me. He had to prove it to me this time round. I fought hard enough for him, and now it was time for him to do the same.

Yet again, something happened. And I broke down in front of him again. I could never stay strong in front of him. It felt like all those previous months of gaining independence and cold were all shattered within a few days, just like that. I could not resist his voice. I found comfort within him. He was there for me, as he said he would always be. He told me he had so much to say, yet he could not. And that he believed I would find someone better whom I deserved someday. I just listened. There was nothing else for me to say, nothing I could do. I could not make him stay. No.

Soon, he disappeared out of my life again. I expected it. We chose this path. It had been a tough journey to get us here. We could not afford to turn back anymore. We could just go on and see where we could go.

Yet we were beautiful.

He is the most amazing guy I ever met in my entire lifetime. No matter what happens in future, I know he will always have a special place in my heart. All I wish is the best for him and that he can find happiness in his life. For me, I am truly grateful for his existence in my life, and knowing that is bliss. I am thankful for everything he taught me, to have ever experienced love, to have found him.


  1. i lost my love. the boy who is the most important person in my life sad me "it's the end of our story cuz you don,t tell me the truth" ... i cant live without him, i dont know what i should to do ?!


  2. I wish the best for both of you! I really really do. I feel the same way about someone, i'm just so grateful he's here, for his existence.

    Kamila Z, If that was me, I would write him a letter with all the truth in it and give it to him while you're there. Truth can hurt someone but I ALWAYS think that being hurt by the truth is better than being comforted by a lie
    .... but again that's just what I would do! I hope the best for you :)


  3. This is so beautiful. I really do hope you both meet again some day. Love will draw you back together, I'm certain of it.
    You deserve all the love and happiness in the world. I wish you all the best xx

  4. this sort of happened to me but the guy I was young and in love with died after an argument. Do do something while you can before its too late.

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  6. I don't know why you both chose that way of handle it. I am very fascinated by your story and the only thing I could think about is: "They have to be together."
    But also I understand very well how it is when you made a dicision yet and don't want to change it, I really do.
    Your story is a very special one but also beautiful and sad. I truly don't know why you two didn't come together because I'm sure it would be great (but may be I don't understand it because English isn't my mother's tongue ;) ).
    May be you both should think about that again, may be not. I don't know.
    The last thing I want to express doesn't deal with your story: I just want to say that I really love your blogs "..etc" and "le love". I really do!

  7. I'm sad you didn't get together!

  8. If you continue to push someone away like that, they are bound to leave. It sounds like a love story that has potential to be beautiful but has yet to begin.

  9. he's the only one within my heart and he told me that he couldn't be with me becouse i don't tell him the truth... :(

  10. Wow this is sad. I hate when you know for a fact you are suppost to be with someone and because of the situation it's just impossible. I pray that you and him will be able to meet up again later in life and things are still the same as they've allways been. I've just started a blog so I'd appreciate if you guys would check it out!!! It's called

  11. The story isn't end I think....

  12. If deep down inside, both of you love each other, why can't you both be together? I don't quite get it...

  13. oh my gosh... this is so insanely close to my story how is this even possible wowow.
    I feel the pain of this person omg... i want to cry now -__-

  14. Love is about taking that leap of faith, not knowing what the future holds, not knowing if you're able to survive through all odds. That uncertainty, and all that "what ifs" are difficult to handle, but we never knew till we try.

    I took that leap of faith and things turned out pretty well. But i understand that feeling of ambiguity, not knowing where you stand, not knowing what to do.

    But who knows, someday you guys may meet again. And maybe by then, you'd be ready to take that leap. (:

    press on and stay strong!

  15. I'll tell you this for sure, the kinda thing that happened to you both is real love. He might just be as scared as you are to reveal his feelings. 'what will she say, he asks himself? Will it destroy the good friendship we have? Girl take it from me, when a guy is in love, it takes him time to admit it to someone else let alone someone else.... But you will find your way back to each other.... Amazing story, had one like that, unfortunately, he was insecure.... But don't let go of the faith, you guys have a good thing coming

  16. We met each other for a reason. We just need time to figure out why. Happiness begins at the end of your comfort zone.

  17. I read everyone's words and there is such pain that it is overwhelming. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own pain that we feel that there is not another person on the face of the earth that is feeling the same loss. My heart breaks not only for my own loss of the only man I have ever loved but for all of people that have written their words for me and others to read.

  18. Dear you,
    Its amazing how I can totally relate to your story. I have this strange relationship with this guy that I still love very much. I am leaving for overseas soon and he is also entering army. There is a bittersweet feeling with lots of uncertainty towards our future.. Afraid of being torn between the past and the future if another comes along in my path or his while we're apart. It sounds crazy but we struggle with being together now cos of certain people that we love who have their doubts and also because of the timing. But i pray that God will make all things beautiful in His own timing and that for you too(: wish you all the best!

  19. Gosh, there's a great deal of helpful data in this post!

  20. This can't have effect in reality, that's what I think.


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