Wednesday, April 6, 2011
grateful for his existence
It is the same old story isn't it? Two people who loved yet could never be together.
Now that’s mine.
I met him at this event. He got to know me when his friends tried playing a prank on him and teased him by bringing him up to me. At that moment, a social butterfly like me was too engrossed in the conversations with his friends that I overlooked this shy-looking boy beside, blushing.
We exchanged contacts, and soon to realise he’s my sister’s school-mate and they were heading to Hong Kong together in a month’s time. Just to cut it short, we were the ones who found the right person at the wrong time. We started out purely as friends, and none of us were looking at a relationship. I was entering University in four months’ time, and he was enlisting to army in half a year. Nothing seemed favourable for us in the long term. So we had this push-pull affair, when we could not resist having the strong emotional attachment through our long hours of phone calls, yet held back with the control of our logical minds. We had this amazing chemistry between the both of us, something that struck us during our first phone conversation, when we talked for hours non-stop. It was as though we were long-lost friends. We shared our past. We never judged. We were honest and frank with each other. We could read each other’s minds, like completing each other’s sentences even. Yes that was how it went. Soon, we talked on the phone every single day for a few months, yet we seldom met up. We never truly dated. We used to be comfortable with how things had been going.
Till I began to feel insecure, incomplete, I needed him more and more each day. I became so afraid to lose him, that someday when I wake up, he may be gone. No matter how much he tried to reassure me or convince me, I never believed, I didn't dare to. After all, we were not an official couple. I was nothing to him, except that we knew deep down inside we were. Four months like these passed. And this ambiguous affair started to drive us crazy. It turned out to be a psycho routine, one with love and hurt, coming together and letting go. Soon, we were sick of this relationship, but not sick of each other. We knew what was best for us, that was to let go and set each other free. Yet I was not ready, never seemed to be. And he stayed by my side all these while, waiting for someday that I could be strong and handle everything myself, before he could leave.
We shared our dreams. We believed in each other more than we did in ourselves. He swore he would be the ‘legend’, to enter my course in University one day. And I would become the ‘miracle’ and be the top student in my University. Yes you were right. We had similar goals in life. He was passionate in journalism like how I was in Public Relations. He loved writing, especially after picking up freelancing projects to build up his portfolio. I loved talking to all sorts of people. That was how we clicked, so well.
Then again, we knew this had to stop and it was not bringing us any further. We were just hurting each other. It was too much to handle. No matter how hard it seemed, eventually he let me go. Yes he did. He left me, completely helpless. I died of love in his shadow. Broken. Incomplete. Empty. Yet we knew, this fateful day would arrive, someday. So I picked myself up and swore to do well at my University, lead a fulfilling life- even without him. He did what he had to- enlisted into the army, braved through the dark stormy nights and dirty muds. We did the best we could.
We were beautiful. Though it was a short five months, I swore it was one of the best moments in my life. We never kissed. We never touched. Not even a real hug. We kept a distance, to find ourselves getting closer. He took up the challenge of time. He claimed he would come back for me one day when he was ready for me, for a serious relationship, when he found his path in life. I never truly believed this. And now all I hoped was that it'd be real. Yet no one knew. No matter how much I tried to gain reassurance from my dearest friends, no one could give me an answer, that he would come back. “If it was meant to be, it will be” And that was all I had got.
Three months later, we talked again, just before attending my sister’s 21st birthday bash. It was amazing how we talked like we never truly left each other. We were still all the same, the things we teased each other about, the way we giggled, the way we used to be. Nothing had changed, and I was just thankful.
It was pretty hard for me to trust him wholeheartedly like I did in the first place again. After all, he was the one who hurt me so deeply. He left me, all alone, when I needed him the most. It was fear holding me back. And the reluctance to believe in our future again. I built a wall around me. He had to prove it to me this time round. I fought hard enough for him, and now it was time for him to do the same.
Yet again, something happened. And I broke down in front of him again. I could never stay strong in front of him. It felt like all those previous months of gaining independence and cold were all shattered within a few days, just like that. I could not resist his voice. I found comfort within him. He was there for me, as he said he would always be. He told me he had so much to say, yet he could not. And that he believed I would find someone better whom I deserved someday. I just listened. There was nothing else for me to say, nothing I could do. I could not make him stay. No.
Soon, he disappeared out of my life again. I expected it. We chose this path. It had been a tough journey to get us here. We could not afford to turn back anymore. We could just go on and see where we could go.
Yet we were beautiful.
He is the most amazing guy I ever met in my entire lifetime. No matter what happens in future, I know he will always have a special place in my heart. All I wish is the best for him and that he can find happiness in his life. For me, I am truly grateful for his existence in my life, and knowing that is bliss. I am thankful for everything he taught me, to have ever experienced love, to have found him.