Saturday, April 23, 2011

how much you meant to me


The moon. I have always been drawn to it. Connected, in some inexplicable way. A silent kinship. There’s the moon, asking to stay. All my life, I’ve regarded it with a solemn reverence. For the tempestuous storm it brews. The ebb and flow. Love, lust, and longing. Sorrow and anguish. Strength and hope. Brazen resilience. An image of change. Of life itself. Birth and death and rebirth. Continuous incontinuity. Everything amounts to this enormous beauty I know I will never fully be able to grasp. In all this, the moon reflects the heart of life. The kaleidoscope flux of the soul. The moon. It’s a cause for introspection. A mirror of who I have been, and a promise of who I can become.

I changed when you came into my life. Time and experience had left me rough around the edges. I learned to get on, without needing anything or anyone else. I never wanted to be different or try and be better for any other person. But then you happened. You showed me what it was to love. How beautiful it could be to share something like that with another person. And then I wanted to be better for you all of the time. For some reason, I was never able to do it. It took losing you for me to realise what an awful person I had become by the end of our relationship. I couldn’t see it then, the way I do now. The truth is that I mistreated you. I was selfish, unreasonable, and immature. You did not deserve it. I need you to know how sorry I am for who I was. I want you to know that I know I was unfair to you, and that I regret it deeply. For as much as I loved you, I never ever should have treated you the way I did. I am so sorry. I don’t know how or why I became that person, but she isn’t someone I would recognize now.

When our relationship ended, I found myself down a passage of self-reflection, the depth of which I had never before traversed. I had to come to terms with the faults and weaknesses I began to see within me. I realised that I had neglected a lot of people in my life. I had spent most of my life unable to see anything beyond my own stupid hang ups. I was so self-involved and intent on shutting out the rest of the world, that I had failed to give those I loved what they deserved from me. I don’t think I truly understood what guilt felt like until that point.

I used to think a lot about the people I didn't have in my life anymore. Of those, there were some that the circumstances of life took from me, and others that I let fall away. It was faith that made me believe that you would never become one of those people. I had spent too much time grieving over the ones who had left, and I reminded myself to be grateful for those that remained. I always tried to make sure I appreciated your presence in my life. I guess somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that. I’ve learned too much from life to ever make that mistake again. When we were together, it was because of you that I wanted to be a better person. Throughout your absence, that sentiment remains. And I owe it to you. You were always there for me. I don’t have words to express how much you’ve taught me about love, faith, and what it means to be a good person. Thank you.

The last thing I want to tell you is how much you meant to me. I will never forget our time together. You changed my life. And if I know anything at all, it’s that what we had was real. My love for you was true. And I loved you the best way I knew how. I haven’t said it with a lot of words or any poeticism, but there it is. As honest as I can say it.



  1. Great post!

  2. This is heartbreaking. I was once in your shoes. I learned to be TOO independent at a very young age and when I got older, I shut everyone out and I made myself believe that I didn't need anyone else to be happy.

    But then I met him, and I wanted to be the best version of me That could possible be. He screwed me over and now I'm back where I started from, cold-hearted and pushing everyone away.

    Someday someone will come into your life and I hope you will be ready for him/her and I hope you won't be scared to open up again.

    Did you try to get your ex back ? You clearly still care about him/her. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a second chance, everyone does.

  3. Wow.
    That is all really there is to say and I hope you get the happiness you deserve.

  4. this is a universal commentary on love - fill in the blanks and remember these truths each time paths cross

  5. This is beautiful... your writing is amazing!

  6. Beautiful post; brought about instant connection.

    Life happens, and I believe love does too <3

  7. This post is amazing. It is the same as my story, however I am the boy. My ex girlfriend said these same words to me. I wish she wanted me back but she doesnt. I dont understand how she can apologize for what she did but not want to fix it. My point is go after your ex. Do whatever it takes to right the wrongs you did to him. It's easy to see how much you care. Go after him.

  8. thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate that others can relate to similar sentiments. as for second chances - I sent this letter to my ex in order to right my wrongs. that was weeks ago, and just this week it will have been an entire year since we broke up. we haven't spoken to each other for almost the whole duration of that year. all I can hope for is for us to be friends again someday.

  9. Love this post. Absolutely love this blog and all the stories and photos.

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  11. I fully agree with anything you've printed here.

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