Friday, April 15, 2011
a large space in my thoughts
Why can’t I stop thinking about you? It was such a mistake. All of it… an all-consuming error in judgment that had me captivated and mesmerized by the situation. A good girl to the core, this was far beyond the everyday workings of such a responsible and trustworthy person like myself. Would it be corny to say, “you had me at hello”? - Because you did. I was drawn to you like a drug and from the first night that we spent together I was hooked. You were the perfect escape and release from the mundane aspects of reality. I would daydream about you and smile when I saw your name flash up on my phone; I would go back to the park where we met hoping to see you. It started out so innocent, the standard steps of a growing romance but then you broke my heart and made me become the other woman and in doing so you forced me to defy all the written rules of sisterhood and common decency. With this new information I tried to stay away from you and to be mature about what had happened and ignore the fact that you had used me, the fact that you had taken advantage of my naivety and my openness. But you were everywhere I looked, everywhere I went and you would reel me back in with empty promises and sweet talkings. You would tell me how beautiful I was and how you thought I was one of the most fascinating people you had ever met and so we went round in pointless and painful circles. You would hurt me and I would let you. You had even somehow let me believe that this was my idea and you were going along for the ride. To this day I still don’t know if you were right. Was it my fault? Could I have done more to prevent this? I shall spend years contemplating this. But because of you, I have grown – you took away my innocence and left me damaged. Things have been over for years, but you still obtain such a large space in my thoughts and I need closure, a concluding end to this chapter in my life that will always make me feel shame. So this is it. This is me saying goodbye to you, and that I will soon be the person I was once again. This is also me saying sorry, sorry that I let you hurt me, it wont happen again.