Monday, April 11, 2011

the distance


selflesh

I remember when we first started dating, everyone said it wasn't going to work out. No one believed that I would survive this kind of relationship. But still, here we are, you and me together still. But I'm starting to get scared that at the same time we're not. That we're not the same people. That we have lost the spark. That the fire that burned passionate in our hearts, now is only a fire that's burning us in a hurting way.

On saturday it'll be 8 months. 8 months in a distant relationship. That's long for me. "When we've survived the first year, the second one will be easy" you keep saying. "It's only one or two more years babe!". But that's long babe. It's a long time, and if we keep loosing more and more of our love, how are we gonna survive two more years? I wish I could say that I believe it, and that I'm not scared. But I can't.

After seven months in our relationship, it all changed. It wasn't me who changed it, it was you. And I know that we've moved past it, and I know that you think that we're still the same couple as we were before. But we're not. And I just hate that you don't see that. Or maybe you see it, but you don't tell. Like I do. I say that I'm fine, because I am. But we're not. And I hope that one day we'll get past it, that we will be like we used to, because I want that, because I want to be with you forever. But now, I still sometimes hear your voice saying the most awful words I've ever heard come out from your mouth. "I slept with another girl".

Yes, I know you were drunk. I know you regret it. And I know everything that is worth knowing. And yes, I've forgiven you. No, I didn't break up with you. I didn't want to do it then, and I don't want to do it know either. But I'm just scared you know. I'm just hurted. I'm confused. Because mistakes like that aren't supposed to happen. You know that too. Like, look at our friends couples. It hasn't happened to them has it? No. But then again, our friends couples aren't like us.

And that brings us back to the distance. The fact that while my best friend spends all of her days with his boyfriend, I only get one day a week. Sometimes none. That kind of changes everything doesn't it? That sometimes make me think that we haven't really been together for eight months, but like one. The distance, the eight lettered word, that changes everything. That little word, that little bus ride, makes us both so vulnerable. And weak. And scared. But no one is really admitting it.

I wish I could say that saturday is eight months, but that's nothing compared to the years in our future. But right now I can only hope.

-A

48 comments:

  1. I am in a long distance relationship, and have been since June last year. 10 months, and I've hated each and every bit of it. And my heart sank when I read those 5 words "I slept with another girl". Not because I am scared I will have to hear them. But because I have been afraid I would have to say something similar. I don't really trust myself when I'm so drunk that I don't know what I'm doing. I don't trust that I will be alright. Last year on my birthday I slept in some guys van and that guy tried to kiss me. Luckily I realized what was happening and I pushed him away, but there is still that doubt in my mind - what if I had been a little drunker? Would I have ruined the best thing I have going in my life?

    I don't know, and I don't want to know. All I know is, I learnt from that experience. I will never get in to a situation like that again. And hopefully your boyfriend feels the same. Maybe it was a once off only thing. If it happens again though ... he doesn't deserve you.

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  2. Life is too short to waste your time with people who can't be trusted.

    It doesn't matter if there was alcohol involved or not. It doesn't matter if he regrets it. It happened because he has no self-control and he, on some level, wanted it to happen. Just think, if it was some guy trying to put a penis in your bf's ass would it have happened? No. He's accountable for his actions and you shouldn't have to suffer because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

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  3. I completely know how you feel. I see mine once a month if im lucky...and hes headed off to college soon. I get scared to what could happen but i feel guilty even thinking about it being any different than it is now. its a really tough situation because you dont want to be selfish but at the same time you want him to yourself and for him to feel the same way.

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  4. Cheating is cheating. If you stand for it, that's your business. But distance and alcohol are certainly not excuses in my book. I'm in a long distance relationship as well, and we said very early on that if either one of us cheats it's over. I think it sounds like you are mostly scared of being out of the relationship. You should think long and hard about what you truly want and deserve. Good luck, dear.
    -E

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  5. I am in a long distance relationship as well and let me tell you it has been the hardest struggle of my life. It's not the same as being with someone. It changes you, it changes the relationship, and it changes the way you feel towards eachother. You want to be strong enough for distance but sometimes distance just tears your relationship apart.

    Believe me, it'll be nine months for us soon and we have been on such a thin line lately but neither of us can let go.

    Just like you, right now i can only hope.

    Stay strong, if you love him don't give up. People make mistakes. It hurts, but sometimes it happens.

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  6. I'm in a long distance relationship as well, it's been a year and two months. I'm dating a guy I've never met in real life and I don't know wether I should keep going with this or not... It's just too hard.

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  7. i gave up on the one love of my life because of distance, and i'm still regretting it.

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  8. From someone who was in a long distance relationship for over a year, it was worth every minute. Us being apart allowed us to really enjoy the time we would spend together when I would finally see him after months at a time... but one day, it became too much. We realized that we needed different things at that time. I'm happy to say that I now live within 20 minutes of him, in comparison to the thousands of miles. If it's meant to be, it will be...

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  9. this is just like my story. other than that him and i, we live thousands of miles apart and the last time i saw him was three months ago, and the next one will be three months from now - that is only if he doesn't fuck this up...
    it hurts so much to be apart. but i keep thinking not seeing him at all ever again would hurt much more.
    i'm such a fool. can't let go.

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  10. SMILE PLEASE, IT IS ALL GOOD STIFF STAFF STUFF FROM HERE ON NOW OFF.

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  11. I'm doing a winter season now in Switzerland. When i went here from Sweden, my friends & family said to me "you're gonna fall in love with someone from there and dont wanna go home." And i said maybe, but it wont happen.
    I made it until the 8 last weeks. Before that i just met boys for fun. Now, THIS boy liked me. He made me care about him, starting to like him. I dont know what i feel but i know i like him, a lot. He made me care about him. Starting to get paranoid. "Is he seeing someone else?", "Does he still like me, like he did in the before?". Things like that is runnig through my head.
    He's been acting weird the last week, last days and i talked to him about it. But he still loves me, he says. He's been thinking about me.
    Why does he call another "my beautiful"? Shouldnt ONLY me be HIS beautiful?
    That made me sad today. Made me think. Im leaving in 2-3 weeks. He has a work here, lives here. Im going somewhere else.. Sad story... I dont know. Im so sad right now.

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  12. I once was in love with a boy, and there were mountains, borders, countries and oceans between us. We were so in love, though. It all started with a childish summer romance, and he became my first great love. We spent every day together for almost 2 months and then it was time for me to leave. I remember almost not sleeping or eating at all for 5 months, just waiting for the day I could see him again. All I could do was think of him, picture him with me wherever I would go. It was so painful not being with him. It was even more painful when he just didn't want to text anymore. I could spend days waiting for the shortest text, and he wouldn't even tell me he missed me anymore. Then our common friends started to tell me that he cheated on me. It wasn't true, though, but it broke my heart in million little pieces. When I finally met him again after 5 months separated, he was so changed. He wasn't that little boy with childish actions and bangs on his forhead. He was all changed. The way he spoke, the way he acted, the way he dressed, his haircut.. and ofcourse, his feelings for me. We broke up, but we remained friends and I see him every summer (he is my neighbor in this country where he lives and where I spend my summers). I was so broken for so long, and not until I truly began to love someone else with whom I spent every day with for a whole year, I realized I never really loved this other boy. I just loved the illusion, I was in love with the picture of us spending our summer together. But when you are 16, you change, and your world change so fast and quickly, and if this other person isn't there to go through this change with you, your feelings will change too. I forgave him once I realized that.

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  13. "I slept with another girl".

    ...

    I'm not sure if i can forgive him like you do. I might but like you, the scar will remain there and only time will heal it. He really should be grateful to have you in his life and work hard to earn your trust again.

    As someone who is also a LDR member, 11 months together, 9000 miles apart, seen each other once, i can honestly say it is undoubtedly the most difficult situation to be in. But for the love of my life, for us, it's something i'm willing to go through. Of course, we have our ups and downs but we're still madly in love with each other. I pray that you'll go through this phase with a strong heart and mind. Think positive and never give up hope : )

    -J

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  14. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now (the first 8 months weren't long distance). and yes, long distance is really difficult at first, but if you're with the right person and you're meant to be together, it gets easier and soon you don't even notice it anymore. because you both agree that you're willing to wait patiently for that day when you can live in the same place, no matter how long it takes, because neither of you can imagine wanting to be with someone else more. we've been doing long distance for 10 months now and we're stronger than ever <3<3<3

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  15. I've been with my boyfriend for a year. With four months in between each time we've seen each other. To see each other once a week sounds like heaven to me, but I guess that depends what you compare it to.

    Anyways, it's not easy, but we love each other so much that we just go through it, we have to. But the biggest reason it works is that we completely trust each other, I never worry that he would betray me, cheat on me. If he did, I couldn't forgive that. Trust is what we've built this on.

    I don't see a time right now for us where things will really change, it will be like this and I don't know what's going to happen. But right now in this moment, it's alright. It has to be like this, and sure, I'm young and naive but I seriously think what I've found is special and unique and I'm not giving up.

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  16. Thanks for your stories, especially E,K and J. Distance is an interesting feature to throw into the mix of a heart-felt relationship. Some say it can't work, some say it can. I say that it can and will. For to love someone with all your heart means to love them completely no matter where they are. I love my girl and understand why distance happens sometimes. If we trust and love each other, and are honest about being with each other, it can work and turns out to be the solidifying factor of an overall loving companionship between the two. Its not naive to believe in true love, its naive not to believe in it. I love you Banman :) My thoughts, prayers and heart are always with you

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  17. I will agree that alcohol is not an excuse.. Trust is really a huge factor for the duration of any relationship, and even more important in a distant one. I don't know if I would have the strength to forgive him, it ruins the idea of perfection I like to keep in my relationship..

    Good luck with any choice you make, you deserve to be with someone who won't complicate you. :)

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  18. Who do iYou think We Sead?!

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  19. I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment, and have been for the past nine months. And it's awful. It's so, so bad. I love him, I love spending time with him and I cry everytime we have to say goodbye - and we're one of the lucky ones like you, who get to see each other more than once a month. My boy and I average every two weeks. But I know what you mean. It tears you apart when other couples get to live together, get to sleep over whenever they want to or just go get a cup of coffee together because in a long-distance relationship you never get to have that kind of blissful nonchalance about it. It requires hard work, and planning, and a lot of time and energy even on the days when you DON'T get to see each other.
    But if this person is worth it, and you think you can work through it and move past what has happened between the two of you, and if you're willing to do it, go for it. Distance is awful but it strenghtens you and your relationship, too. I'd say that you get used to it but I never have. I hate it the same way I hated it in the beginning and it is a really vulnerable state.
    It is also, and this is the most important thing, a passing thing. Do you have an end date set to it? It doesn't have to be planned out in every detail, it can just be a promise to live together when one of you graduates, or something. My boyfriend and I had an end date and it helps everything so much. It used to be almost a year until we would live together and now it's two months. The distance goes away. And if you really, really want it, it will be worth it in the end.

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  20. "nonchalance"
    No Chance
    Not Only One Chance
    Only One Ch..
    ...
    Continue...

    {I love you.}

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  21. Oh honey, he cheated on you. Nothing will ever be the same after that.

    I have no clue what you're doing with him. He doesn't deserve you, sorry, you're better than "it-was-a -mistake,-I-was-drunk"-talk, that's just bullshit!

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  22. I'm sad for you. In a month's time mine will be 1000 miles away for an unforeseeable amount of time as well, and I'm dreading it with every ounce of my being.

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  23. i'm going to be in a longdistcance relationship in a few months due to my boyfriends stay in a foreign country& we're not going to be able to see each other for like 11 months..
    for me already the thought of being seperated makes me burst into tears and it's pretty though now.
    he told me in advance that he is not willing to disclaim sex when hes abroad.
    but not the fact that he wants to have sex is what makes me sad, thats just physical, but im afraid that this year abroad will make us drift apart, in some way, people change, people develop. but i hope it'll change for good!

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  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  25. This person does nothing but complain and complain and complain about how their love isn't what it used to be and then somehow is surprised when subconsciously her boyfriend acted the way she goaded him into thinking? I've been in a long distance relationship for a little over a year now and I actually moved 3,000 miles just to be with the girl I gave my heart to. We'd met last summer and I overcame my greatest fear and actually flew to see her again in October (planes have always been my personal hell). Ever since that summer she just.. gave up and stopped believing
    Stopped believing that I was real, stopped acknowledging anything but what was right in front of her. I did my best, my absolute best to keep her happy but she just shut down and said "it just hurts so much." What she apparently couldn't wrap her head around is that as much as it hurt for her, I was the one who had to get on the plane.. I was the one who had to drive back 3,000 miles in 3 days when she got to sit at home and go out with friends and get emails texts and calls from her loving boyfriend trying to keep her happy.
    Meanwhile I rotted.. I died and she was never around. Starting November the only traces of her I would find were posts on her blog and comments on other people's facebook pages. I had a million reasons to give up but I stayed. She had a million reasons to stay but she chose to give up.
    But I didn't take that for an answer. She broke up with me once a month for five months. She let her feelings run rampant and abuse me to the point where I tried killing myself three times. I decided to move. I'm still only 20 but I moved away from everything I knew, everybody I had grown familiar with, and everything I used to be just so I could come be near her; to kill this "distance" that was hurting us so much. When she finally saw me.. she couldn't look at me. I tried to hug her but she squirmed and threw my arms off every time I did. She ran off like I had grenades under my shirt. It's never the distance that kills. It's never "you're too far away." It's because you won't go far enough. It's because you screamed about how much you had to sacrifice, even though you got to go home to your family, be comforted by your friends, and sleep soundly at night, while you didn't take a second to see that I gambled everything for you. And lost.

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  26. *huggles* @ Otto. T_T

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  27. Beautifully written, but very heartbreaking )-:

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  28. I just wanted to say that I'm in a relationship with a guy who lives faaaaaaaaaaar, faaaaar away, and we don't see each other once a week, not twice a week either...once a month is more like it. This has been the case since december -08. Älmost TWO AND A HALF YEARS! I wonder how the hell we've made it. This summer, I'm moving to his place and all the pain feels really worth it now. Hang in there <3

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  29. i think you are very lucky anyway. to see him once a week, thats a lot! the most important person in my life, i love him so much i can hardly breath and he is in love with me to. anyway, he is moving across the world and i will maybe never see him again or perhaps once a year if i am lucky. that is killing me. if i could se him once a week or someting like that i would cry of happiness.

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  30. "This post has been removed by the author." - Leave your comment

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  31. I feel for you sweety.
    I was in the same position as you three years ago, when my boyfriend was an exchange-student. I only saw him three times in ten months, and he cheated on me. I was shocked, we had planned our future together and everything was perfect, I thought. "I was drunk,didnt know what I was doing, I had a fight with you the night before" he said. No matter how drunk or angry you are, you DO know what you are doing, and at some point he wanted to have sex with that girl. But, as you, I loved him so much and was sure that we could make it work.
    It has not been a day without me regretting that decision. I wasted two more years with that boy, thinking everyday that "tomorrow, next week or next month we will be the same couple as before, I will be happy again, I will trust him again". That day never came. And it will never come for you either. You can forgive, but you can NEVER forget. And truth is, he will never forget that you forgave him, now he knows what he can do without losing you. My boyfriend said he would do anything to keep me, he loved me, would never hurt me again, I was the one.
    But he cheated again. And again.
    I was stupid, I made a fool by myself by forgiving him again and again. Dont make that same mistake, get rid of him while you have a chance to move on without him around. I wish I did, then I could have been happy and living life instead of wasting two years by hoping....

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  32. I've been in a distance relationship for one year and three months. I see it the same as any other relationship except there is a distance, and we see each other once a month - if we're lucky.

    I do understand what your boyfriend mean by one year and it will be better, because a long distance relationship needs more time than a normal one to stabilze. I had countless time to cheat, and I'm sure my man has it too.

    But if I do it, then it's my fault just as much as it is his fault if he do it. However the distance has nothing to do with it, you could have a boyfriend who goes away for a week, a month, and cheats on you. That one you probably would dump, right?

    Otherwise, I'm not sure if I would break up either, but if he shows any other signs in disrespecting you - dump him! You deserve so much better.

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  33. you're lucky that you get, at least, that one day a week. I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and 2 months today. I don't see him, but a week or two during the holidays of christmas and summer vacation. don't take it for granted.

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  34. I was in a long distance relationship, for almost a year and three months. :( I believed so much, I was so sure we could keep it. Actually, I was sure I could keep it, but my girl (i'm lesbian) couldn't. And I knew it, but we gave us a chance.

    We had a "open" relationship, but not very open... Even though she was the one who hurted me many times, because of small things I cared but she didn't, she was the one who broke up with me. I made a surprise, travelling to her city and meeting her (to break up decently), and she asked to start again. Even though it was what I really wanted (and you can imagine how happy I was), I asked her if it wasn't just the moment, and She asked me to have no fear and trust her. I was so in shock, because that were my lines, that I trusted.

    Three days after she thanks me for not giving up on her, she broke up again. We still have a promise to meet again four years later (2015). She says she loves me, but the distance kills her inside. I still want her so much, but I don't believe anymore. I'm glad I've done all I could, because I would keep trying if I didn't. But I'm still afraid because she could ask me to start again, and I know I would agree, and I know she would break up again. :(

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  35. You're lucky you get to see him once a week. I haven't seen my boyfriend since January.

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  36. you have the exact same story as me... but mine has recently come to a sudden halt. someone please press the play button again....

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  37. being drunk is not an excuse, i'm sorry, but it's not. if you truly love someone you will always have that line, that you won't cross no matter what.

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  38. people need to look at the benefits of a long-distance relationship as well. i've been in one for over two years now, and i couldn't be happier. of course, i wish that i could see him more often, but this distance is what allows us to grow in separate ways. it's healthy to not be attached to someone at the hip when you're young. all you have to do is find things that make you happy, surround yourself with friends you love and who care about you as well, plus the distance makes seeing that special person so much better.

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  39. geeeeeeeez!!!!!!!!!!!! reading your first two paragraphs my goosebumps srew! AMAZING! FIRST TWO PARAGRAPHY HAPPEND THE SAME WAY TO US NOWW.. AWWW. IM SO AMAZED. LOVE YOUR BLOG!!

    http://honeylovesandrew.blogspot.com/

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  40. I feel for you. :(

    My boyfriend's leaving in a few months. We'll be exactly 5015.8 miles apart. He'll be gone for 5 years. He said he'd do his best to come back earlier - but that's two years tops. All of you guys wrote that you get to see your boyfriends once a week / month, every three or more months. I'd get to see mine in, hopefully, 2 years from now. And it hurts. It scares me. Reading your blog and all the comments made me feel sad and better at the same time.

    All I know is I'm scared. I don't know what will happen..

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  41. I think you to should need a break. If you really love him, you can't deny how hurt you are from what he did.
    You need to be alone to think, or I think it will just get worse.

    good luck!

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  42. Ive been in a 6 years distance relationship due to his job, i havent seen him in 8 months and he was supposed to come as soon as he finished his project. Now it turns out that he has to go somewhere else and of course I didnt like the idea. His words were " im tired of your shit, not being supportive". Aren't 6 years being supportive? Can somebody tell me if Im wrong? I just feel that Im on 10th place now and his priority is work. Dont know what to do, after 6 years and this behaviour the one who is tired is me.

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    ReplyDelete
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