Monday, April 4, 2011

how memories change


Isn't the funny to see how the memory works? It's like a paper, or chewing gum, that you can shape from one thing to another.

I was in France during the spring when I met him. It was love at first sight. He lived in another city, so every weekend either he or I took the 3h train just so we could be with each other. Four months passed, and I had to return back to Finland. It was a painful goodbye, with tears and promises.

July came and so did he. He spent three weeks here, and already then I started feeling like everything wasn't as it should have been. I felt like I wasn't as much in love with him as I was before. We fought and fought and fought all the time he was here. At last he went home to France, but we still decided that I would come to see him.

September came and I went to see him in France. Two weeks. When I sat on the plane I just wanted to cry, I really didn't want to see him, I didn't have feelings for him anymore and it was hard with the distance. I cried all the time, until I finally arrived to the southern France. I felt at home again, France, oh how I had missed you!

When I now look back at it, was it more that I was high on life, high on the fact that I was in France once again, than high on love. It was so much easier this time, and when I came home I tried to convince myself that I haven't ever been as in love with HIM as I was then. Actually I just was in love with life.

October came, and he came, for the last time, to Finland to see me. I told him weeks before he came that it's over, and nothing will change it, but he still insisted on coming, even though I told him not to. It was hell on earth. He tried to convince me that we belonged together, but I didn't want to, I didn't have feelings for him at all. We fought and cried and he ran away, came back. Then one day he had left his facebook on, and I just needed to check one thing, fast, when I suddenly saw all the messages he had sent to all his girls in France. He had been cheating on me this whole time.

Even though I didn't have feelings for him any more I was devastated. I've seen signs of this before, but he had just denied it, and I believed him. I felt so stupid. I told him what I knew, but he started to deny and lie about it. How the hell can he even think that I would believe him, that they were just friends, when I've seen messages as "I miss you my love, when I'm coming home we're going to spend real quality time together" "I think about you all the time" "I love you" etc. I panicked and told him that I never ever want to see him again. And then, bam, he hit me.

The next days are just a blur, I felt so bad, and so ashamed. Finally he left. We decided to try to stay friends, but I told him I needed time, and I'll contact him when I'm ready. But he never gave me that time that I needed. He called me, emailed me, sent me text as soon as he got home. I told him to stop, and he did for a while, but instead he started to contact my mom and friends. Now he's sending me e-mails asking me if I think about him still, if I got any boyfriends, and he won't leave me alone.

When I decided that I wanted to break up with him, I wanted it to be possible that I could look back on our relationship with good memories, and remember how in love I was. But now I can't understand why I see in him. And I think it's horrible. Because I was in love with him the first 4 months, I was sure that we would make it, and that it would be US for the rest of the life, because it sure felt like it. But no. Just bad bad bad memories.

Isn't it funny to see how memories changes?
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