Monday, April 4, 2011

how memories change


Isn't the funny to see how the memory works? It's like a paper, or chewing gum, that you can shape from one thing to another.

I was in France during the spring when I met him. It was love at first sight. He lived in another city, so every weekend either he or I took the 3h train just so we could be with each other. Four months passed, and I had to return back to Finland. It was a painful goodbye, with tears and promises.

July came and so did he. He spent three weeks here, and already then I started feeling like everything wasn't as it should have been. I felt like I wasn't as much in love with him as I was before. We fought and fought and fought all the time he was here. At last he went home to France, but we still decided that I would come to see him.

September came and I went to see him in France. Two weeks. When I sat on the plane I just wanted to cry, I really didn't want to see him, I didn't have feelings for him anymore and it was hard with the distance. I cried all the time, until I finally arrived to the southern France. I felt at home again, France, oh how I had missed you!

When I now look back at it, was it more that I was high on life, high on the fact that I was in France once again, than high on love. It was so much easier this time, and when I came home I tried to convince myself that I haven't ever been as in love with HIM as I was then. Actually I just was in love with life.

October came, and he came, for the last time, to Finland to see me. I told him weeks before he came that it's over, and nothing will change it, but he still insisted on coming, even though I told him not to. It was hell on earth. He tried to convince me that we belonged together, but I didn't want to, I didn't have feelings for him at all. We fought and cried and he ran away, came back. Then one day he had left his facebook on, and I just needed to check one thing, fast, when I suddenly saw all the messages he had sent to all his girls in France. He had been cheating on me this whole time.

Even though I didn't have feelings for him any more I was devastated. I've seen signs of this before, but he had just denied it, and I believed him. I felt so stupid. I told him what I knew, but he started to deny and lie about it. How the hell can he even think that I would believe him, that they were just friends, when I've seen messages as "I miss you my love, when I'm coming home we're going to spend real quality time together" "I think about you all the time" "I love you" etc. I panicked and told him that I never ever want to see him again. And then, bam, he hit me.

The next days are just a blur, I felt so bad, and so ashamed. Finally he left. We decided to try to stay friends, but I told him I needed time, and I'll contact him when I'm ready. But he never gave me that time that I needed. He called me, emailed me, sent me text as soon as he got home. I told him to stop, and he did for a while, but instead he started to contact my mom and friends. Now he's sending me e-mails asking me if I think about him still, if I got any boyfriends, and he won't leave me alone.

When I decided that I wanted to break up with him, I wanted it to be possible that I could look back on our relationship with good memories, and remember how in love I was. But now I can't understand why I see in him. And I think it's horrible. Because I was in love with him the first 4 months, I was sure that we would make it, and that it would be US for the rest of the life, because it sure felt like it. But no. Just bad bad bad memories.

Isn't it funny to see how memories changes?


  1. it seem like us women always see with our hearts and put all emotions behind someone we really dont know yet i have done this so many times as i read this article i read my life but not at the end where she gets hit but now i am older and wiser so after i leave my 4X cheating husband i will be single and put my heart in a bank vault to love myself and my son only. its to bad the men i have met have to be this way, to make me feel this way. thank u for this insight it was interesting to read.

  2. this story rings home. I spent 2 years of my life in a relationship that you described to perfection. Many months were spent arguing on the phone and in person, many months were spent where he accused me of cheating. Reading my fb messages, msn history and emails to find evidence that to prove his theory. And finally it all came out that he was the only one cheating, not with one, but many over the space of 18 months. In that 2 years I had spent with him, he cheated on most of it.

    Some days I think I have moved on from the betrayal, but some days it comes back to haunt me. almost taunting me for being so stupid and gullible.

    And so I have moved on, for the most part of it. And now in a completely different relationship, a happy one, I ask myself, how do I get rid of the bad memories?

  3. this is so scary...... I've been cheated on before but who knows about your next boyfriends/our next or current happy and great things are what if it turns out to be a lie again like the other guy that cheated before and like this story? what if we never know....super worried ><

  4. I'll just write in Finnish since I don't really have anything to contribute to the actual conversation, so to the OP:

    Ei liity nyt varsinaisesti, mutta onpas jännä kuulla jostakusta suomalaisesta, joka on Ranskassa asuessaan ihastunut maahan. Itse asuin siellä puoli vuotta ja suurimman osan ajasta vaan vertailin Ranskaa Suomeen ja löysin pelkkiä vikoja. Ja halusin kotiin. Ja ranskalaiset ihmiset oli musta aika ikäviä.
    Olin koko puoli vuotta mielettömän rakastunut yhteen australialaiseen poikaan, jolta en saanut mitään vastakaikua, ja senkin takia aikani Ranskassa oli aika kurjaa, kun tuhlasin niin paljon voimavarojani kyseisen ukkelin perään itkeskelyyn.

    En tiedä onko tarinasi tapahtumista jo pitkä aika, mutta kyllä kaikki lopulta pärjääntyy.

  5. I had an abusive relationship from sophomore year to the beginning of my senior year in high school. He was my best friend, like you I thought it was love. We always see the best in people, what we don't realize is we cannot make them be the best version of themselves. Only they can do that. It took me years to really get past it all and move on. Now I know what I want and I will never settle for less. Your heart knows when something isn't right, red flags mean get out.

    I dated a few more guys all of which were nothing like the jerk. They all treated me well and never made me feel a bit like the horrible way he did. Then I met my guy right now. I wish I could copy him and give him to all girls. He's incredible. It's a love I could have never even dreamed of. We've been together almost 16 months now, and I still get butterflies. You will find what you deserve. Men like that are out there. Don't ever give up on that. Look at your brother, your guy friends, your father. You know a good hearted guy.

    Besides karma will pay you back for the jerk that brings you down. ;]

    Stay strong, you'll be alright.

  6. "We always see the best in people, what we don't realize is we cannot make them be the best version of themselves. Only they can do that." - love this quote, really rings true about the guy i'm with right now. we may see the best in them, but if they don't choose to be their best, then what does it matter?

  7. Old memories always make me cry...but be strong. There something special we don't know beside this sad things...Cher up girl

  8. You want to have a good memories as what's left of a relationship. But when something ends with this much pain, the memories are not something to dwell on but rathar something to move on from.
    And it seems that this guy isn't really even letting things just be in the past. All it does is leave with you a bitter taste in your mouth.

  9. This is heartbreaking. Never settle for someone that doesn't treat you right, and I'm not only talking about physical abuse, but mental abuse aswell.

    No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself, and the one who actually does isn't worth it.

    Be better safe than sorry.

  10. It made me think of that quote about how the past is an interesting place to visit but a poor place to stay. Stay strong and do what is right for you.

  11. I love this blog.
    the posts really get to me

  12. You deserve better. A lot better. It really is as simple as that.

    Anybody who loves you would stand in the way of somebody hitting you. They would NEVER hit you themselves.

    I don't think you should try to look back with good memories. I think you should realise you made a mistake. Everybody does. Unfortunately, you aren't the first person and you won't be the last.

    I truly hope you find what you deserve.

    i just want to have a boy

  14. this is totally different from the stories I am used to read on Le Love. Memories have their ways with us,

  15. This is soo true. Over time - you look back at what you did you and you wonder why. Please look at my blog

  16. im sorry. i completely understand

  17. he's such a loser.. you're lucky tobe able to realize how bad he is.


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