breaking the habit

weheartit

When you are in a relationship, you have a one-track mind: your boyfriend. When you break up, you have a one-track mind: your ex-boyfriend. At what point do you forget the past and start thinking only about ME? You don’t have to think about your past; you don’t have to think about what is gone; you don’t have to think about the love you are missing out on. It is better to be free than be enslaved by a tumultuous relationship; some love can’t be repaired. Yet after you are out of it, you don’t know how to be free. It is a paradox. You are too paralyzed to move because you are venturing into the unknown. Standing still is the initial reaction because you don’t know where else to go. You are abandoned in the blistering cold.

There is far too much life to live fully and alone to dwell on the what-if. Time quickly passes that you can never recover. I don’t want to live with regret. Dwelling and pitying has eaten a year of my life. A year. 365 days. I could have done a million things in a year, but I did nothing. Never again.

Selfishness is healthy. After a break-up, you absolutely must be selfish. You must immerse yourself in new experiences, activities, relationships to help create a new identity. All of the mental energy you possess must be devoted to repair and self-restoration. Nothing else. Otherwise your identity from the past remains your identity in the present. I don’t want to be the person I was in that relationship- I didn’t love myself. And I don’t love myself as long as I am still hung up on the devastation of it all. You must change EVERYTHING- experiment, risk, explore. Putting yourself out on a limb makes you stronger and more confident. Only you can change, there is nothing external that will initiate the process. I choose my thoughts; I choose my behaviors; I choose my proactivity. No one else can change these things. This is my biggest trap. I want some event to turn it all around, but this isn’t how it works. Change is a daily process- it is a lifestyle. Incremental, not overnight.

There is tremendous power in self-mastery; it is a journey I have been toying with for a long time, but have yet to aggressively pursue it. Old thoughts and habits inhibit my success, as I let them destroy all progress in one single swoop. I work so hard, yet give it all away because my mind convinces me I am not worth it. This is a habit, not who I am. I must rid myself of it. Only you can be your own biggest cheerleader- it’s not vain and conceited; it is a necessity. If you tell yourself something over and over, you eventually believe it; this is so true. Good mental health leads to good everything health.

Ridding yourself of the past is no different than ridding yourself of any kind of addiction. You simply can’t go back; not even one taste. It is an all or nothing. Letting your past creep in is dangerous because it can take over. You don’t have to let it control you; you just have to resist the urge to succumb to it. No pictures, no texts, no drunken calls. Nothing. He is dead to me. He is in a grave. It is time to climb out of the hole I’ve buried myself in along with him.

Life must move on. The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you can’t see the light of day. Life is waiting. Don’t miss out on it. Every second is a chance to be born again. Embrace the opportunities life has to offer- regret is probably more painful than heartache. You can love again, but you can’t live again.

Start living.

let it go

unknown + tumblr

you can't make someone love you

unknown

His hair, falls perfectly without him trying. His eyes, shine perfectly when he’s smiling. He took my perfume, sprayed it on himself and said, “so I can smell of you”. I melted. I never really wanted to think I was in love with him, I just thought I want what I cant have, but no, now I know without a shadow of a doubt. I’m in love with him, and if it’s possible to love someone more everyday, I love him more everyday. I hate him. I hate him so much, I loathe his being. And yet I cant help myself, i'm like putty in his hands, I want to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, I want to feel the beat of his heart, his warm touch next to mine. And yet all of these things are impossible. For now. I’ve set myself a goal, I’m not going to give up without a fight. I know that at least if I don’t give up, I will be able to accept defeat if the time comes, if I try my very hardest. But I know that in the end, you can't make someone love you. So I’ll wait. Always.

next to you

shrufti magazine + unknown

can't live with you/can't live without you

weheartit

My only new year's resolution was to never say your name out loud in 2011. So instead, I just repeat it in my head, over and over, like it's the only three syllables i ever learned. Like it's the only three syllables that matter. You were a lot of firsts and a lot or risks. Our religions, and just about everything else, clashed. And of course, i deemed that deafening sound of conflict as love, because love is a decision. Our soundtrack that year was Manchester Orchestra, middle of the night milkshakes and Family Guy marathons. It was you pulling me back for that last kiss before we walked outside back into reality. It was us texting at all hours and me, falling harder and harder. it was kissing you until it felt as natural and necessary as breathing. I became intoxicated with admiration.

When it turned ugly, it was you telling me we were too different. It was you who said "just because we've hung out a couple times doesn't mean anything." It meant we weren't in a relationship, no strings attached. It meant I would cry rivers, my small frame curled up alone on my bedroom floor at all hours when i saw pictures of you and your new girlfriend. It was her friends informing me that while you and I were pretending to be lovers, you two been in a real relationship. And i didn't even blame you, cheater. I resented her instead. Then we started talking again after you ended things with her, but only for a few months, because I kept doing that thing where I would get attached and you knew you were leaving. If I was brave, I would send you this and you might even read it. You might even feel something, a raindrop of sympathy for the tidal waves of loneliness and stupidity I feel. You left for graduate school and a year later, I still take walks at night and cry because I am convinced I will never have again feelings for someone like I had for you. Three years is a long time to hang onto someone that seemingly so easily moved on.

I know the feelings were mutual and it's one of those "can't live with you/can't live without you" things but you made the decision for me, didn't you? It's living without you and now i just repeat your full name in my head and take my blurry walks and ignore my broken heart. and most of all, i hope you're the happiest boy in the whole world. I love you to the sky and every inch from florida to connecitcut.

nobdy could ever replace you.

matt caplin + unknown

i found you.

weheartit

Things had become more or less the same for me nowadays. Everything was generic. I used to believe in love, and all of that fuzzy stuff. The first boy i was with screwed me over, and then the next one and the next one and eventually i found myself slowly losing faith in all things love related. It happened around the time i was 19, that was when i thought that i would adopt the ways of the male. To unconditionally be with guys with no strings attached therefore eliminating any chance of being hurt again. At the beginning things were good, i was able to be with the bad boys i had always wanted without being hurt by the baggage that they carried with them.

And then I found you.

You teased me about all the boys i spoke to at the same time and while i knew it was true i also hoped you said it out of jealousy hoping i'd realize. We began speaking after first meeting at a bar, first occasionally then everyday, once twice and eventually every moment that we could. But the problem is that you and your bad reputation are beginning to dent me. Not only are all my friends against your past actions. So i hide the fact that we talk, in the hopes that eventually they will forget.

When I found you it all changed.

I began spending every moment thinking about you, wondering what you were doing and what you were thinking. And when I saw you everything else seemed so out of control but in order at the same time. Both of us were not ones that were usually used to being tied down, we had both been with our fair share of people-and it was because of this that both of us found it hard to open up. I so desperately wanted to tell you about all the men i had been with but didn't want you to think any less of me-i guess its silly because we both know that no matter what you will be mine.

When I found you I became the jealous type.

The type of person i had always hated. The idea that someone could get jealous when the guy wasn't yet theirs seemed foreign and somewhat hard to comprehend until now...until the moment where i found you. Everything is so easy for us, that feeling of butterflies sits in my stomach constantly and the feelings i get when your name comes up on my phone are the type of feelings i never thought id feel. So now i wait, i wait for you to tell me how you feel, to confess it all, let me know everything and open up.

When I found you I changed, you changed me.

You really have changed me ben, and I know that the moment you tell me it all will be the best moment of my life. But until then I will wait, and I will hold onto our first, second, third and twentieth kiss.

Forever,
E

i want you endlessly

unknown

how do you get over someone

weheartit

i want you, i need you, i choose you -- over any other boy in the world, i'd choose you over & over again. your name, your face, your smell, the soft curls of your hair.. i miss those already. i miss you so much & you haven't been gone 4 hours. but this time, i know you're gone for good.

i loved you, my dearest. my favourite shit-stirring, petty, jealous, overprotective, violent & ferocious beast. i loved you to death. i loved your madness, i loved you even when you were angry. & that was often. i knew you were ridiculous, i knew you were too much. my friends all thought so too. but i knew inside that you could be controlled, and only i could handle you. you were a thunderstorm, a tornado, a bolt of lightning that only i could soothe. strong, hard & sweaty, you would hammer your point across no matter how painful & trying it was. begging & pleading with me to change, to do something, to change something for you, to give something up.. but i never ever did.

you were the typical emotional abuser: frequently upset about my clothes, my work, my friends, my choices in life.. but i felt it was because every little detail about me mattered to you. you wanted to protect me from everything & keep me close to you, & i knew it was only because you were afraid. you were afraid to lose me because you loved me with the kind of love that is dying in this world. to you, i was irreplaceable. i was precious. i was special. & for you, no other girl existed. in our whole 3 years together, you never once mentioned any other girl being so much as good-looking. you respected me, you never once made me jealous. you cared for me, you lived for me, you planned your life around us. to you, i was the world.

yet to me, you were an option. because you were so devoted, i always took you for granted. always the independent kind, i lived my life the way i wanted & hoped you would accept it. i would decide on something regardless of your feelings, &, hurt, you would argue about it. i'm talking screaming, yelling, chasing, strangling. but it would blow over & we'd be laughing, kissing, cuddling, fucking again as if nothing ever happened. this was how we went on. day after day, week after week.. it was perfect. i loved the thrill, the adrenaline kept us going. we were fiesty together, always roaring, always laughing, always fucking hard. we'd quarrel only because it made us feel so much each other. it brought us closer, it made us seamless -- worked up in a frenzied passion only we could understand. but like all good things in life -- alcohol, cigarettes & cream cakes.. it just wasn't healthy.

i loved you so, so much. i loved how you fought with me, for me. i loved how you hurt. how to you i was the constant & the world, a variable. no matter how filthy i was & how differently diseased, you never ever gave up on me. girls would cry because their guys never wanted to work things out. they were insensitive, they never wanted to talk. i cried because you always wanted to work things out. sometimes when we'd argue, i felt you'd never give in. but you'd always give in, you'd always forgive me & accept me for who i am. you are only so hard, so thorny & so angry because it's just a means to protect yourself & your delicate little heart. when you weren't angry, you were the most gentle, selfless & loving boy God ever created.

but i can see now that your demands were too much. you are excessively jealous & overbearing. & this morning, on the first day of the near year, you went overboard in your violence. you made me angry. i made you angry. i used to tell myself it was different expression of love.. but fuck that, it's not love. it's not hot. it's not steamy. it's not right. you did something you shouldn't have done, & now it's over for the last time. but how i love you still. i want you, i need you.. my soul has never known anyone this well before. i want you so, so bad. my best friend, my worst enemy, my stalking killer, my comforter & protector.. they're all you.

it's better off this way. i need to hide you in a box & free you, safe where i can't harm you.

but how do you get over someone whom you've planned the rest of your life with?

-B.

nearest to the soul of another

Parker Fitzgerald

same old thing

shimmerlikegold

2011.

A new year, a new beginning, a fresh start and change, four things most and many people say. Thing is when it comes around... it’s just the same old thing, just a different day in a different year, and your still there, in my memories, in my heart. You were my first love.

I did start too believe that I was over you... Things were going good, I was somewhat a little happier than I have been in weeks.

Then you have to text me.... you said ‘happy new year, hope you get all you deserve x’ doesn’t sound a big deal, I know, but to me it is, the last time we spoke you was awful to me,

I was horrible back and we left it at that, and then you text me, it bought memories, feelings and heartache back to the surface.

I wish you never texted me, because I realised that I actually aren’t fully over you and I’m starting to hate the fact that I do miss you, I don’t want to miss you anymore.
You have hurt me so much... you pushed me out of your life like I wasn’t worth it, carried on to crush me into little pieces each day, and you just didn’t have a care in the world.

You promised me our future, you promised you would never leave me, you promised that you would never hurt me, but you broke them promises as quick as you made them.

Guess i was just silly to believe them.
So even though part of me does still love you, and part of me probably always will... right now i just can’t bring myself to forgive you. I’m sorry.
Sometimes, I wish things was different between us, that we made it through our problems, that i grabbed our last shot at being happy, that i didn’t let you go but it’s too late now.

I’m starting to believe that we are better off apart, plus you have a new girlfriend, you told me yourself and I said I didn’t care...

Truth is saying I didn’t care was so much easier then admitting that I’m hurt.

Me and you, us, doesn’t exist anymore, they say everything happens for a reason, so maybe we are better off apart and this is for the best.

I want you to know and i hope you do know, that I did love you, I really did, with everything I had, it was always just you, you had my heart, just you.

I tried so hard at times, i know i should of tried all the time, but you should of done as well, we both gave up on each other in the end. I am sorry.

-sr

i'll wait

weheartit + ffffound

i still love you, damn it.

weheartit

It happened two weeks ago, yet it seems like it happened just yesterday. I had planned to propose moving in together in two weeks, but before I could do that, you left me. Never before have I been hurt that bad. I can't fall asleep anymore, I find it so damn difficult to concentrate on anything.

For the first four or so days I was shocked. I wondered if you ever really loved me. We were together for two years, yet you dumped my by sending me a letter. Yes, a damned letter. I should be angry, I should be furious. I want to be mad at you. But I simply can't. I keep wishing for a bloody time machine so I could just roll back everything we've done and said to each other. I just want you back - I still love you.
I try to think of everything bad that happened between us - I try to cling onto all the bad memories that we shared. And then I suddenly realise - I even miss those. I miss all our fights, I miss how we used to kiss and make up. I wanted to propose to you, I wanted to grow old together. I wanted to give you my life and in exchange I only asked for your love.

The day before yesterday was Christmas Eve. I spent it alone. If things were different, we would have celebrated our decision to move in together that night. But things weren't different. I just can't stand it anymore.

I promised to love you forever, no matter how naive that sounds. And I was going to hold up to that promise. And no matter what - I still will.

I still love you, damn it.

R.

silly

Andreas Öhlund + unknown

it scares me

jubsrawr

I guess one could say that I’m scared.


1) I’m scared of loving and getting hurt.

2) I’m scared of losing my independence.

3) I’m scared of new things and the unknown. Like having a boyfriend.


1) There are few things I truly love in this life. My mother and father, my two brothers, my best friend, music, and good food. Those are my true loves. I know that none of these objects of my affection would ever hurt me.There have been a couple of times in my life when a guy has shown real interest in me and I’ve turned him down due to the fear of being put in a vulnerable position. The single time I really, really liked a guy, he just lead me on and ended up making me feel like shit through many douche-y acts. If I wasn’t concerned enough before about this whole love dealio, I certainly was after that idiot came and left my life. The question that’s been asked millions of times before: is love worth all of the pain that will most likely spawn from it? Sure, everything is rosey and sugar-coated at the beginning, but what happens after the honeymoon phase subsides?

2) I’m almost 19. I’ve never been one of those boy-crazed girls. Never really worried about relationships and all of that. But now that there’s another chance for me to get close to a guy, I’m scared of losing my independence. It’s not like I’m a promiscuous girl… that’s the last thing anyone would call me. I’m scared of losing the strength I have as an individual. Where I am now, I feel confident about myself and my abilities, and I’m so scared of putting myself in a position where someone could possibly make me doubt myself. Should I put that on the line just to possibly fall in love?

3) New experiences are scary. The first time I sang alone on stage I was literally about to wet myself. The first time I went on a date, I thought I was going to hyperventilate. The first time I was kissed, the world seemed to tip over and I felt completely out of control – and not really in a good way. Starting a relationship with a guy is completely unknown territory for me. I wouldn’t know how to act, what to do. I don’t even know if I’d be willing to kiss and be kissed at random intervals throughout the day. These are MY lips. I’m scared of being seen, with no make-up on, in harsh daylight. I’m scared of not always smelling good and not always being in peak physical condition. I’m scared of any guy touching me in a way that I haven't been touched before. I’m scared of having to play a part that I don’t know how to play, because all I can be is myself and myself is not a girlfriend.

I try and justify the possibility of turning him down by telling myself that if it takes this much thought, it’s not meant to be. But not every romance begins with love at first sight. Not every couple started out on ideal terms. Yet… I don’t know what to do. The easy thing would be to simply continue doing what I’ve been doing my whole life – nothing. Or I could put everything on the line and just go for it.

I’m not even in love and I’ve just given up hours of sleep to write about it. This worries me. It scares me.


-CK