Sunday, December 26, 2010

it scares me


I guess one could say that I’m scared.

1) I’m scared of loving and getting hurt.

2) I’m scared of losing my independence.

3) I’m scared of new things and the unknown. Like having a boyfriend.

1) There are few things I truly love in this life. My mother and father, my two brothers, my best friend, music, and good food. Those are my true loves. I know that none of these objects of my affection would ever hurt me.There have been a couple of times in my life when a guy has shown real interest in me and I’ve turned him down due to the fear of being put in a vulnerable position. The single time I really, really liked a guy, he just lead me on and ended up making me feel like shit through many douche-y acts. If I wasn’t concerned enough before about this whole love dealio, I certainly was after that idiot came and left my life. The question that’s been asked millions of times before: is love worth all of the pain that will most likely spawn from it? Sure, everything is rosey and sugar-coated at the beginning, but what happens after the honeymoon phase subsides?

2) I’m almost 19. I’ve never been one of those boy-crazed girls. Never really worried about relationships and all of that. But now that there’s another chance for me to get close to a guy, I’m scared of losing my independence. It’s not like I’m a promiscuous girl… that’s the last thing anyone would call me. I’m scared of losing the strength I have as an individual. Where I am now, I feel confident about myself and my abilities, and I’m so scared of putting myself in a position where someone could possibly make me doubt myself. Should I put that on the line just to possibly fall in love?

3) New experiences are scary. The first time I sang alone on stage I was literally about to wet myself. The first time I went on a date, I thought I was going to hyperventilate. The first time I was kissed, the world seemed to tip over and I felt completely out of control – and not really in a good way. Starting a relationship with a guy is completely unknown territory for me. I wouldn’t know how to act, what to do. I don’t even know if I’d be willing to kiss and be kissed at random intervals throughout the day. These are MY lips. I’m scared of being seen, with no make-up on, in harsh daylight. I’m scared of not always smelling good and not always being in peak physical condition. I’m scared of any guy touching me in a way that I haven't been touched before. I’m scared of having to play a part that I don’t know how to play, because all I can be is myself and myself is not a girlfriend.

I try and justify the possibility of turning him down by telling myself that if it takes this much thought, it’s not meant to be. But not every romance begins with love at first sight. Not every couple started out on ideal terms. Yet… I don’t know what to do. The easy thing would be to simply continue doing what I’ve been doing my whole life – nothing. Or I could put everything on the line and just go for it.

I’m not even in love and I’ve just given up hours of sleep to write about it. This worries me. It scares me.



  1. i am in the exact same position as you are...

    but we all need to take chances, we all need to take risks, right? if we never take those opportunities, regardless of whatever pain it may cause us, we'll never be able to receive the good from those decisions either.. can't keep hiding forever :X

    and if it makes you feel better, nobody ever really knows what they're doing, especially when it comes to love... but everything always turns out okay in the end.

  2. I felt like it was me writing all this. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the same place whle everybody moves into their lives, and other lives, and it all because I'm always afraid of taking risks...

  3. Even if you chose to be with him, fall in love and he treats you right - it will still hurt sometimes. It doesn't matter how in love both of you are, and how good your relationship is - it will still hurt sometimes. Sometimes like hell. But if you know he didn't mean to, you'll let it slide.
    You get crazy like that when you're in love. Girls who would NEVER accept getting hurt, even if by accident, just lets it slide.

    Falling in love will change you, your life, your values. Your dreams and your view of the future. You may change just a tiny bit, or become a completely different person. All of a sudden someone takes up the majority of your thoughts, and some of your dreams at night.

    If it's worth all that? It seriously shouldn't be. Not if you are rational. Giving up so much time. Giving your heart for him to do as he pleases. It's crazy. Self-destructive. Madness.

    But with the biggest risks comes the finest prizes. If he could be your best friend as well as your lover, give it a shot.

    Or look at it like this:
    If you don't give him (or yourself) this chance, will you regret it? Will you regret never knowing what could have been more than you would regret getting hurt?

    The answer, the decision, will always be yours to make.

  4. 1. The butterflies comes and goes under a relationship, I know people that have been married for tens of years, many of them says that real love comes after many years.. The most important is that You are loving friends, that wants Your partner well, and that You are having fun together. I mean if Your not happy together Its no meaning is it? Some People click others dont. ;)

    2. Perhaps You will get even stronger right? If for exampel WE wourld be a TEAM lets call it team LL just for fun, then We must have respect for eachother and compromise, for exampel:
    after a warm and sunny day in Las Palmas I am coming home after 18 holes of golf, taking a cold beer and I feel to sit down with My darling, You might dont like it sence My clothes stinks sweat.
    So what do You say? With someone You love You dont want to hurt Your partner, so DONT say "You fucking freak You stink so bad I think the garbage feels more fresh than You".. No,You dont because Youre not a drama queen. You instead ask Me about the golf and tell Me "Darling if You take a shower Ill make You Your favorite sandwitch, and then We can watch a movie Together, alright?" The most important is to show love and respect even when life is not perfect. And if something is wrong give Him a hint. Otherwise there are so many random things that is funny to talk about. Ask Megan Fox for example..

    3. No woman has never ever been spared all those things. But some women like dramatic change.. (misstilaomg for exampel)
    Why dont You take it step by step instead? You shourld meet halfways, and set up common small little goals Together..
    But I belive He is really sad that You dont trust Him anymore, I think He really tried to be a rock for You, even if He wasnt that strong, what if He used all His spare energy to save You...
    But sence You dont love Him I tell You what, DROP HIM dont even think about it..
    To Me it sounds like You dont live in a healty place, sence You need to be so afraid all the time..
    But what do I know, Im just an i....

  5. In this world, you have to take certain chances in life. Why are you so afraid that you doubt yourself?

    Fall. :) It's not that i'm trying to tell you to get hurt. I want you to take a chance. Ride the wave...

  6. First of all, I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same.
    But I think; being afraid of falling in love hurts more than getting your heart there. Give love a chance

  7. First of all, I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same.
    But I think; being afraid of falling in love hurts more than getting your heart there, even if you may get a broken heart. Give love a chance


  9. honey. it's SO worth it.

  10. firstly:
    Learn to fall. and to fall hard. be less concerned about whether it hurts and more concerned with the fact that you are LOVING. being IN love. When you truly love someone, your concerns are for their happiness, their well being. it is compromise, it is sacrifice. if you find your not getting it in return? end it. but generally people in relationships mirror their partner. it is better to love with your whole heart and have it loved than to be loved or to love from afar. fact.

    you don't have to lose your independence, it's quite possible to have a relationship where you stay your own person... you don't have to become one being - that just makes it worse if theres an end, if youv grown as one and suddenly the other half is missing...makes it difficult to stand up straight. ( you need to grow side by side, not together. but don't think about that, worrying about the future does nothing: cant stop it, and it probably wont happen anyway).

    if you managed to get on stage and sing: well bloody done!
    you don't have to do those things - if your not comfortable with it, and it makes your world tip over and not in a good way - don't do it. if he doesn't like that - hes not worth it. anyone who wants you for you should be willing to wait for how you want it. just as you would for them. also - with the right person, they dont see that your not wearing making up or that your not in peak physical condition, they see that today your nose looks extra cute, or that your skin feels super soft. love is blind after all.

    don't turn him down, just don't think about it too much. tell him yes, but its gotta be slow..your not looking for anything serious.
    live with consequence or die with regret? you seriously want to do nothing for your whole life??? no. don't do it - risk it. that's the only way amazing things ever happen. and usually by accident.
    don't be scared..whats the worst that could happen? you'll get hurt? hearts heal and you'll know what not to do next time.


  11. I feel like I'm in exactly the same position, only difference is I'm 20. I've never had a proper boyfriend, hell, my friends even wonder what kind of guy I'd be with, since they can't imagine me being with someone. Whenever I meet a guy I really like, and he takes an interest in me, I manage to push him away. I tell myself it's because I'm probably not ready, but really, I'm afraid. Afraid of losing myself, getting hurt & hurting others. I value my individuality so much, I am the first person I can count on & I actually like being alone. Spending so much time with somebody else terrifies me, because I know I'll fall madly in love someday & suddenly realize I can't live without him. In my dreams, that's the part where I freak out & run away. I want to be known as 'me', & not 'his girlfriend'. I don't want to be part of 'a couple', I want freedom. But what if it comes at the cost of true love? I wish someone would tell me how to not lose yourself in a relationship.

  12. YES. Thank you. This is exactly how I feel.
    For me, it's the fact that I've hurt and been hurt so many times in my life that I'm not sure I can take any more. That's why I won't let myself fall.
    And I am sure if I would just do it, that would help me heal and maybe then I wouldn't be so afraid of everything.
    But I don't think that's gonna happen any time soon, honestly.

  13. I wouldn't say I've ever been in such a position because I'm leaving all the love buisness for later. But I have to say, life is all about taking chances. It's about doing things you've never done before, as they say, there is a first time for everything. That's for love, happiness, feeling content, getting married. The whole lot. Take chances with life and it'll make you feel more alive. Fair enough, you will get hurt along the way but you'll only ever end up calling it a lesson learnt. A boy you may fall in love with in life is a boy after all. He's as human as you are, and he has as much as a heart as you. He'll be afraid to take chances and lose certain things along the way but you both know there will come a point when you look back and smile because you know it's been worth it. Take chances is all I'm saying. If you don't, your whole life will be at a stand still and that's not living life.

  14. What you're feeling is normal.

    I used to feel the same way.

    I think the fact is it just hasn't happened yetY Uou just need to let go. Of everything. Of your fears and worries. Insecurities. All of it.

    I know what it's like to watch all your friends play the 'girlfriend' role so weel and feel like you have no idea how you'll ever do it. Like you just don't have it in you, like you wouldn't even know what to do. That you're too stubborn, too independent, too smart, to fall into that role. But you're wrong. I was wrong.

    When you find that person (once you have let go of all thats holding you back), you'll see. How it just feels naturally to hold their hand when you walk down the street, or to sweetly kiss them on their nose just because. All those things that seem so strange, just happen. You just do it. You just become the 'girlfriend'.

    So don't even worry about it anymore. It will just happen naturally. We all start off not knowing, a little awkward. And slowly that person just becomes another person in your life that you love. You'll just know what to do, how to handle it all.

    I was EXACTLY the same, just trust me :)

  15. I understand you. You push away because you fear rejection. Because you think if that person gets to know you better, they won't like you anymore. And if they do still like you, you won't be able to handle it properly, smoothly. So instead you just avoid it all together.

    Don't. Just take it easy, take it slow. Step by step. Let your guard down a little, not all guys are jerks. Some just want to be hugged and kissed too. Some just want to learn how to be a boyfriend too.

    I began my first relationship when I was 18. My first kiss, lost my virginity, everything. All of my friends were all ready pros, but I'm glad I took it slow. Sure I was kind of awkward at first, but it was also fun. I learned a lot in that first relationship. I was naive and new to it all, and I came out of it with a few scars on my heart, but a lot stronger and wiser. Now I'm in an amazing relationship (five months strong, hehe) and I'm enjoying every day of it.

    Just open yourself up to it, don't be afraid!

  16. Thanks for all of your comments and advice! It feels really good to know that so many of you know what I'm going through.

    And thank you Le Love moderator! Never thought my little story would see the light of day.


  17. Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains two descriptions: might have, and should have.

  18. Dear CK, im afraid like you... im afraid to lose that independency, to being hurt, and i cant imagine me in the role of a girlfriend... and the few times that i have trusted in someone, they have ended up dissapointing me... but at the end,i still believe that i will find my other half.

  19. Your story echoes in the hearts of many and I don't feel alone after reading this. I wouldn't want anyone to lose their freedom of expression, creativity, or feel stifled by a loving relationship. Unconditional love should give strength, inspire creativity, and add confidence. Thank for your story. Just do it and you might find your fears were unfounded.

  20. Been there. But it all worked out. Good luck. x

  21. i am like u are this is horrible cause i don't know what i must is so strange!
    girls i have found another blog called accidente afortunado(is a spanish blog)that is great look i. ihave read the firt page and i love it!kisses

  22. unless you love, your life will flash by

  23. It's a game all of us should try to play. :)
    let love show it's meaning to you. :D

  24. I can relate to your post in many ways. I feel as though its our ambition that is taking the place of the boyfriend. This seems to be the case with me. A boyfriend is something that I never really think about because I am doing other things. I think its totally okay. I don't think love should be forced, thats not natural. It will come when its right and just living in the moment is whats most important. Give everyone a chance, but don't feel as though your alone. Cheers x

  25. oh man, i know that too well... relieved that I'm not the only one feeling like that even though that isn't helping matters too...
    a friend of mine always tells me not to worry because live always works out right and the right one's gonna come, but that's hard to believe....
    however, chin up!

    xoxo,c.a ♥

    check out my blog:

  26. I don't even know which song to sing to this but there's nothing one can do to this. I believe that we don't have control over who we fall in love with. It just happens.

  27. If it didnt hurt, it wouldnt mean half as much.

  28. You should take a look at those two, they´re sooo cute!

  29. I LOVE your blog. It's so honest, so real.. some of your posts actually make me cry.


  30. I feel exactly the same way!

  31. I used to be in the same position. But at one point I was just sick of being alone. I went for it, even though it wasn't love at first sight. I fell in love and still am.

  32. It's like I wrote this. Thanks for showing me i'm not alone. I'm so scared right now 'cus I met a guy I think I could really like if I didn't try to push him away all the time.. It scares me to be completely honest with someone and show all of my flaws

  33. i smiled a lot when i read this. not because it's funny but because i regognized myself in every word. i am, or maybe i should say was, in the same situation with a guy. we'd hang out a couple of times and i liked him, as a friend. however for some reason he liked me more than just a friend. he liked me to much, and this scared the crap out of me so i told him we should just be friends. he cut me out of his life, compleatly. and i miss him a bit. however, my point with this story was i didn't take a chance, i didn't even bother to try to let him in and now i'm sitting here all by myself. maybe he had been worth a shot? i don't know, and now i'll never now. but i do know that i feel like a stone right now, hard and cold. if you like him, take a chance and fall. he might catch you and if he don't than he's the one who is stupid. i'm crossing my fingers for you and think that whatever you choose will be right.

  34. I understand you entirely... and I't hard.. but I just think we have too keep on going!

  35. I was recently hurt by someone i love dearly. And question if i want to find love again. but i know that love is worth the risk. You learn so much from it, and even from being hurt. I have learned to be myself, and love myself. Whether or not this boy will love me again, i have the hope that a new love will come into my life. and that when he does i wont lose my independence to him, but rather just enhance who i am as an individual and as a couple. When he first asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, i told him "i am scared to label it, because that means you could hurt me even more." In the end he did, but the months i spent with him mean far more to me then the months after.

    Sometime you have to risk things, because the outcome could be greater. If you dont risk it, you will regret things, and regret is worse then not knowing.

    I know have rambled a bit. but i hope i helped

  36. so nice to read you. It's so clear. But don't be scare, things just come and go.

    be happy. =)

  37. citizenbird.tumblr.comDecember 28, 2010 at 6:41 PM

    oh, it was like reading about my own life...

  38. hi ck.
    If I say that you were me for a couple of months ago, would you believe me?
    He liked me, but I turned him down. a few times actually. I said to myself and my friends that "he's not my type" or I pretended that he didn't like me, it was a flirt, nothing else.
    we could be the perfect couple, but i was too scared to put myself in that position, I stayed alone, safe? I regret it every day.
    Now it's to late and he's in love with someone else.
    kiss him, talk to him, show him that you like him.
    GO FOR IT.

  39. i cannot put words to how much i can relate to this. it's as if i had written it. the only ones i do actually hope to develop a relationship are the rock stars on my walls, because they cannot let me down. i have gotten involved with many guys in my sixteen year old life but i fear having someone depending on me. i wish to be just me and could never stand compromising to suit another person's will all the time. despite this, i believe in true love and i hope there's someone out there who is the right one for me. i just hope he's not clingy. and i hope he brings out the best of me. and i hope i will love him so obviously that i can not even doubt. thank you for writing this.

  40. this is pretty odd and erie how accurate this post describes me as well! haha i love finding people out there feeling the same (or some what) exact emotions i feel. i never let guys like me for the fear of them finding my faults or even worse making myself vunerable. i hate putting in effort when the outcome is never a guareentee! but i always promise myself next time i get the chance go for itwhether it is short lived or real because otherwise every night you'll replay what you could have done rather than have done nothing! thank you for giving up sleeping to write something i truly appreciate!

  41. I love this on so many levels, you have no idea.

    CK, I can promise you, from my own experiences and all the comments here, you are not alone.
    I can't add anything helpful that anyone else hasn't, so I just wish you the best of luck, in the most earnest fashion I can over typed word.

  42. I understand how you feel - with the whole fear of losing independence, and fear of getting hurt.

    I think though, that when the right person comes along, the role of being a girlfriend will come to you naturally. don't worry:) sure, you may see a new side of yourself, but it'll still be YOU.

    As to being afraid of being seen 'not at your best', someone who loves you will love you even if you're in sweats and tshirt, without makeup, etc. etc. :)

    Good luck my dear!:)

  43. @not Supergirl:

    "As to being afraid of being seen 'not at your best', someone who loves you will love you even if you're in sweats and tshirt, without makeup, etc. etc. :)"

    As a guy I was tempted to write almost the exact same thing when I read CK's post, so I'm glad you were able to put it so succinctly.

    CK, just worry about being you, and love yourself for you. If you can do that, you'll recognize it when someone comes along and loves you for you, too.

    There is so much more to life than living alone and in fear of what might be. Get out in the world and meet people. Not everyone will hurt you, and some will but it will be worth it. Everyone who has chosen to be alone would tell you they regret it, if they could be honest.

    Like everyone else I read about on here, I wish you the best and hope you're ready to be with the right guy when he comes along. Nothing is worse than regret for what could have been.

  44. this is the story of my life..glad to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

  45. If you're not in love from the beginning you may or might find yourself questioning your decision.
    I know I have... I wasn't in love with my boyfriend when we started dating...and not even after a while. To this day I still have those days when I don't know what to do. But now it feels as we've been through a lot and we know eachother so well that I would be foolish to throw it all away....

    I hope everything works out for you.

  46. Thanks everyone. You have no idea how much this all means to me! I think I'm gonna go for it. I'm still scared, but you've all done a good job at convincing me to take a chance.


  47. such a beautifully written post. thank you.

  48. @CK:

    I hope you do go for it. There is nothing to fear in life. The shit and awful things in your life will pile up and seem insurmountable sometimes, but there is always hope. All you have to do is try again when things don't work out.

    All you have to do is be yourself, and accept that what has happened to you is in the past. Bad things are in the future, too, but once they are over, they are over. You can overcome them. All you need to do is look at the future with hope, not fear. The things you fear *will* come and you *will* find yourself above them, still alive and you. It will have been worth it, though, because the things you hope for are out there, too, and they make the bad things and the things you fear small in comparison.

  49. you also wrote in ur profile:"dedicated to love. the good, the bad and the unknown."

    you should just let yourself fall in love and discover that feeling, even if it seems weird at the begining- all of this "getting to know each other" stuff it turns out to be most exciting experience in your life, so don't give it all up because of your fear. honestly the fear is never going to disapear completly, but you'll get use to it and all in all love (and beeing in a relationship thing) has more advantages than you can imagine. so dont be afraid and just live your life remembering that its nothing wrong with living it with someone else who cares about you and loves you :)

  50. I’m not even in love and I’ve just given up hours of sleep to write about it. This worries me. It scares me.

    ^ exactly how I am.. wow.

  51. Hi I'm seeing your blog the first time today, I'm from Brazil so my english is not very well. About your text, I met the love of my life with 14 year old, and yesterday we completed 13 year together. I was scared in the begginig, and i'm scare now, we'll get married next year. But i thing in life we'll always be scared about everything, the only thing you shouldn't tod do is stop whem you are sacared. I think the love cames naturally, and is normal sometimes you scared about the fragily, you just cant not try and sometimes loose the oportunity to live a beautiful love history. Everything you live it's a oportunity to learn some in a good or bad way. Your blog roks ;)

  52. I always thought love would always be passion, butterflies and all that. But it's not. You just gotta rely to your own feelings, and what you WANT. If you want to make something work, it's a big chance it will if the other person wants the same thing! Then it's just a matter of time, and how strong the bond between the 2 of you are. My greatest tip with love is never give up. Never force love. You cannot force it even. Give it a chance to grow, and take it from there.

    take care<3

  53. taking a chance on a guy was thee best decision i have ever made.

  54. i feel the same as you too.

    it felt so strange that i can feel sth for someone, and yet at the same time scared of committing (when nothing is ever confirmed).

    and then i figured, if there's really someone who is meant for me (ie the feelings are mutual) why not take the plunge? after all, we only live life once, so we should give ourselves the benefit of the doubt about a relationship that might work out awesomely. even if it might not work out perfectly at the end of the day, it would be an experience which i would treasure, because it would have taught me how to love better.

    at the same time, stop yourself only when you know that your feelings are not being reciprocated. no point wasting your time and feelings on someone who wouldn't appreciate it!

    if you're worried about being a bad girlfriend, why not try dating slowly? i'm sure if you talk to the guy and he really cares about you, he would give you the time and space needed for you to adjust.

    hope things would work out fine for you and may 2011 be a great year for you. (:

  55. I used to be afraid of everything, but I try to temper my anxiety with "what's the worst that could happen?"

    It turned out the world didn't swallow me up, nor did I fall apart. It's learning about each others needs, wants and being a part of each others LIves so you can leave the fears behind and enjoy each other wholeheartedly. It's easier said than done. To 2011.

  56. I wish I could see things the way you do. Just for a second, and it'd open up so much for me.

    You don't get second chances, and I know its cliché, but people do say 'what is the worst'? Its absolutely terrifying, I know. You have an essay to say but manage to muster a short sentence. You plan everything and at the last second, the dog ate your work. But really, all that's okay. Butterflies, tension, fear... its all good. If you didn't have any of those things, then you'd never mean it. You have your rock of unconditional love. Stay with them.

    Try your best. At the end of the day, our uniqueness is beautiful. Nobody writes a book on these things. Do it your own way :)

  57. "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case you fail by default"
    - J.K. Rowling

  58. In a perfect world, I'd act more on what I say or believe, and sometimes the fears immobilize me. Baby steps? Easier said than done. I don't give up on people despite appearances, but I become apprehensive. The world didn't cave in on me and I'm still standing.

  59. Balance is a one great key to life, I feel. Juggling Heaven and Earth, job and school, whatever it's never easy. But someone once said: to be thrown off of that balance, for love, is a part of the natural balance of life. Just know what it is, when you are getting a bit thrown off balance, so it doesn't scare you (if it's an unknown feeling for you).

  60. in response to 3) the amazing thing about love, if you get entrapped, is no judgments are passed. :) don't be afraid. there is no 'part' to be played. it isn't a role... it's simply living day to day with a best friend you get to cuddle and kiss. even better.

    & you do have to work up to the comfort level of no make-up/smelly days. best friends don't care about minute things like that.

  61. you speak my life. thank you for putting into words what i couldn't.

  62. I know exactly how you feel. Losing control and experiencing something new has always scared me. I find myself pushing guys away all the time, trying to justify to myself that he's wrong for me, that I don't need to date someone, that I like being alone.

    But we miss out on so much you know? It's terrifying to let go but it's something I've recently come to realize needs to be done. Some of my best experiences have come from taking a risk and even though not everything turns out the way I want it to, I'm a stronger person for having tried.

  63. I'm 22 this year and you have said everything I've been feeling since I turned 19.

    Three years have passed and I still feel the same. Sometimes I wonder, would it have been any different if I had tried? If I had accepted the various hims that have come into my life.

    But I'll never know, because I've never tried. Because I'm too scared to. Just like you.

  64. I just had relationships in my life, but I'm never looking for them they just happened, I'm not really interested in relationships, the last one, just happen and I get hurt, now I'm a little scared of that happen again, (no one wants to get hurts actually).


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