Sunday, December 26, 2010

it scares me


I guess one could say that I’m scared.

1) I’m scared of loving and getting hurt.

2) I’m scared of losing my independence.

3) I’m scared of new things and the unknown. Like having a boyfriend.

1) There are few things I truly love in this life. My mother and father, my two brothers, my best friend, music, and good food. Those are my true loves. I know that none of these objects of my affection would ever hurt me.There have been a couple of times in my life when a guy has shown real interest in me and I’ve turned him down due to the fear of being put in a vulnerable position. The single time I really, really liked a guy, he just lead me on and ended up making me feel like shit through many douche-y acts. If I wasn’t concerned enough before about this whole love dealio, I certainly was after that idiot came and left my life. The question that’s been asked millions of times before: is love worth all of the pain that will most likely spawn from it? Sure, everything is rosey and sugar-coated at the beginning, but what happens after the honeymoon phase subsides?

2) I’m almost 19. I’ve never been one of those boy-crazed girls. Never really worried about relationships and all of that. But now that there’s another chance for me to get close to a guy, I’m scared of losing my independence. It’s not like I’m a promiscuous girl… that’s the last thing anyone would call me. I’m scared of losing the strength I have as an individual. Where I am now, I feel confident about myself and my abilities, and I’m so scared of putting myself in a position where someone could possibly make me doubt myself. Should I put that on the line just to possibly fall in love?

3) New experiences are scary. The first time I sang alone on stage I was literally about to wet myself. The first time I went on a date, I thought I was going to hyperventilate. The first time I was kissed, the world seemed to tip over and I felt completely out of control – and not really in a good way. Starting a relationship with a guy is completely unknown territory for me. I wouldn’t know how to act, what to do. I don’t even know if I’d be willing to kiss and be kissed at random intervals throughout the day. These are MY lips. I’m scared of being seen, with no make-up on, in harsh daylight. I’m scared of not always smelling good and not always being in peak physical condition. I’m scared of any guy touching me in a way that I haven't been touched before. I’m scared of having to play a part that I don’t know how to play, because all I can be is myself and myself is not a girlfriend.

I try and justify the possibility of turning him down by telling myself that if it takes this much thought, it’s not meant to be. But not every romance begins with love at first sight. Not every couple started out on ideal terms. Yet… I don’t know what to do. The easy thing would be to simply continue doing what I’ve been doing my whole life – nothing. Or I could put everything on the line and just go for it.

I’m not even in love and I’ve just given up hours of sleep to write about it. This worries me. It scares me.

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