Wednesday, December 29, 2010

i still love you, damn it.


It happened two weeks ago, yet it seems like it happened just yesterday. I had planned to propose moving in together in two weeks, but before I could do that, you left me. Never before have I been hurt that bad. I can't fall asleep anymore, I find it so damn difficult to concentrate on anything.

For the first four or so days I was shocked. I wondered if you ever really loved me. We were together for two years, yet you dumped my by sending me a letter. Yes, a damned letter. I should be angry, I should be furious. I want to be mad at you. But I simply can't. I keep wishing for a bloody time machine so I could just roll back everything we've done and said to each other. I just want you back - I still love you.
I try to think of everything bad that happened between us - I try to cling onto all the bad memories that we shared. And then I suddenly realise - I even miss those. I miss all our fights, I miss how we used to kiss and make up. I wanted to propose to you, I wanted to grow old together. I wanted to give you my life and in exchange I only asked for your love.

The day before yesterday was Christmas Eve. I spent it alone. If things were different, we would have celebrated our decision to move in together that night. But things weren't different. I just can't stand it anymore.

I promised to love you forever, no matter how naive that sounds. And I was going to hold up to that promise. And no matter what - I still will.

I still love you, damn it.



  1. Replies

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  2. i've felt almost the same way before... you'll be fine, i learned that changes are for the best... there something more for you.. you'll see ;)

  3. no, that's bullshit what that other person said.

    this pain you feel now - get used to it. it will haunt you for the rest of your life. whether you will find another or not, you know you will never forget about her in the way you should. Because you can't.

    Something of her -some part of her; a memory, thought - something will always remind you and will always lurk within the deepest corners of your heart after it is done fucking with your mind.

    you can move on, but you will never forget, just as you should never forget the following: love is shit, and an illusion forever.

  4. mimi's comment migth just have been a bit slanted. don't listen to that

    some day everything, all of this, won't feel as bad. maybe you won't get the feeling that it was for the better any time soon. but you will manage and some day it won't hurt as much every time you breathe. and you, yes even you, will love and be loved by someone who deserves you more than he ever did

  5. Agreed.

    I had a plan for my life. I had my true love and we were going to move in together and get married. We had it all figured out. But we couldn't make it work. The more we loved each other the more the fear of losing each other crept in and eroded our relationship. Little fights that rip apart the fabric of a relationship.

    I thought I would never get past it, never move on. And yes, I will never forget him or our relationship... but none of it hurts anymore. I barely even remember half of it, but in a good way. I can appreciate the relationship for what it was worth and recognize how much love I truly have to give to another person. The pain doesn't last forever unless you refuse to move on. So live your life, one day at a time and be open to possibilities. You never know what lies ahead but put good out into the abyss and it will come back to you.

  6. "I wanted to grow old together", this is so sweet ♥♥

  7. i just found out that the boy who i was dating has a girlfriend... i feel pain, i want to cry... and i feel like shit, because i now that its not my fault but i cant stop thinking about what i did wrong? or does she did that i didnt... im so sad right now..

  8. Omg your blog is amazing! Much love! xx -shaina

  9. I cannot believe he dumped you with a letter......

    It's so sweet of you to still love that person even if you got dumped

  10. I'm still holding on to my promise of loving him forever but sometimes I wonder how safe or healthy that is because he has moved on and loved another.

  11. She knows I could love her, but she tries to act like I don't exist because of how she feels about me.

  12. Un Gran Abrazo. xoxoxo


    It Gets Better.

  13. bearhug
    cheer up

    from nice

  14. I'm in the same position right now. Constantly feel like I'm dying inside because fuck I still love him.

    He moved out on Christmas eve, I feel empty. But it makes me feel better to know he feels the same, he misses me and he loves me even if the relationship didn't work.

    :( let's stay strong and now it's time to put ourselves first for once.


  15. hey. hey you.
    don't. don't do that to yourself. I've been there before, and trust me I know it hurts. Like there's something on fire inside, or your whole chest is filled with broken glass.. His eyes is the only thing you see, his face after saying something special or the way he gets cute little wrinkles around the nose when he laughs. I know that it hurts. And I know that it's the most hard dealing with, at night. I find the dreams the most difficult, because you can't actually fight them. And the fragile moment when you're half awake and half asleep, when you're still believeing, that when you open you're eyes your loved one will look right back at you. And to then notice how cold it is around you, in the absence of your special one there's just an empty hole, that's the most difficult. That's the most painful. To go through it, over and over again. Night after night, morning after morning. Everyday. I know that it hurts.

    But somehow you must learn to fight those feelings. The most important thing for you to do right now is acepting that he IS gone. He wont come back. Beacuse even if he did, things wouldn't be the same. He would still have left you. Some things simply cannot be deleted.

    Second, you are not alone. And never will be. A human cannot go through life without ever stumbling into anothers. Someone loves you out there. And even if you have lost that person, even if you have lost every one of them, there's still someone out there waiting for you to love them and to give you just as much love in return. You know that 'strangers are just friends we haven't met yet' ,? Well, yeah, it's true. So get out, embrace it. You haven't seen it all just yet. Take the chance.

    Third: you deserve better. No matter how gorgeous he was to you before this ending, no matter how good it was, you deserve better. Because an ending like that.. just aint fair. And you know it. You must accept that the person you love isn't perfect. Neither are you, but still. Sometimes when you love someone completely, you can't see their flaws. TRUST ME YOU DESERVE BETTER!

    I wish you the best.

  16. Im sorry through the pain you have gone through, I can only imagine the pain it causes. I might not be going through the exact same thing as you, but I know how you feel in a way, being heart broken and not wanting to let go... And I believe that is good. If you really loved that person, you shouldn't let go.

    Im not saying in the way as in keep fighting even if the person doesnt want you anymore, but as in, always having them in your heart. You cant ever truely forget or let go of someone you had fallen in love with. They will always be there.

    But from those experiences you'll learn many things about yourself and what to expect or do in your next relationship.

    It hurts now, but the experience will hurt a little less in the future. Every love is a scar/wound, it wont fade so easily, you just gotta work on healing it.

    Truly sorry for you pain. Just know that everyone in life will always meet there true love, even if it isnt noticeable at first. You will find that person. :)

  17. Nobody will ever know the emotions you feel, what your heart is truly saying. Love is too strong, too cruel, to just come and go as it pleases, to many. Maybe some of us don't want to give it up. Forgive, maybe, that's up to you. I'd never want to forget. There's some sort of equilibrium (I've yet to find it) where the past isn't relevant any more. A point where you can smile at the happy moments and not have to think about the pain, and none of it affect you. Well, thats what I try to aim for. It takes hell of a long time, but you'll get there. You are your own person :)

    I can't pretend to imagine how you feel. But you've got so much ahead of you. Your posts here are very deep and I hope that it helps you. People say - you deserve better. I hope you can see that, because its true that you do. Its a shame that people can be so ignorant. Keep doing what you're doing :)

  18. i was only with ex for a year, not aslong as you and your 2years, but in a way i understand what your feeling. i still love my ex. i wish i didn't because it would be so much easier wouldn't it. when he left me i wondered if he ever loved me to... everything goes through your mind. thing is i thought it was getting easier as days went by, but recently it just turned out that i was just being strong for to long and thats when i realised i still loved my ex. miss everything about our lifes we had together, but there will come a day were you will meet somebody else, and you will have a totally different relationship, he will make you the happiest that you have ever been, you might disagree, i did when i was told the same thing, i said i didn't want anybody else, but remember he left you, your worth a whole lot more then just a letter, and part of you may always love him, but when you meet somebody new and treats you like you deserve, you will think why did i ever let my self think i wasnt worth it.

  19. I know exactly what you mean....I was also broken up with in a letter, a letter that came after two years of pretty close to perfect existence. It made me question everything - did he really love me? is there someone else? And I was so hurt, but I masked it with anger. Eventually, the anger died away, and I was just left with my hurt. Everything seemed to remind me of him, a street sign or dinner dish - I had spent two whole years of my life with him, made so many memories.
    The letter is the hardest part- reading that and wondering why he couldn't say it in person, questioning why you were with a guy that thought it was acceptable to end a relationship in a letter... As much as I want to say you'll get over him and find someone else (everything I was told when it happened), you need to take your time. Come to terms with everything. I didn't understand why I didn't want to be with anyone else afterwards, because I told myself I was over him, or as over him as I was going to get. But then I realized, I'm scared to fall again. Because I fell, fell hard, and got really hurt. Once I admitted that, I felt freer. Not any less hurt, but more aware of what happened to me.
    You will make it though- and who says a tiny part of your heart can't still love them? Who says? Don't lose that ability to love- thats the only thing.

  20. "time heals all."

    i hated that quote when everyone would repeat it to me after i had my heart crushed after a three and a half year relationship, but let me tell you something, those words have never been truer.

    you aren't going to feel better now, tomorrow, a few weeks from now, most likely not a few months from now, maybe not even a year or so. but i promise you one day the pain will go away. one day the bad will outshine the good and one day you'll realize that you are strong and everything will be okay.

    and then you'll meet the person that makes you want that time machine just to go back and slap yourself in the head now because of the amount of time you wasted living in the past.

    be strong, love will find you. real love.

  21. that pain you feel, believe me, will fade away partially as time passes by, because even though you don't believe me, i know what it's like, I had been inlove with the same guy for 3 years and suddenly puf, byebye. It took me about a year to get over him, but i just couldn't forget him completely, the pain still lived inside my wasted heart, until one day a month ago, to be more precise, I met someone at a random party thanks to a misunderstood commentary and a silly friend, yep, thats how destiny works... I'm still working on it, on the new guy of course, but believe me, just like me, destiny will surprise you my dear, and when it does, remember this comment.
    xoxo : G. Giselle
    Pd: don't look for love, love will look for you. Believe me, if you look for it, you'll never find it, looking for it is a waste of time, because love is blind.

  22. when reading this, I suddenly realized how painfull it was. to read it I mean. Yet so beautifully written!

  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

  24. When i read this, I just remember my ex girlfriend and sadly I still love her but I'm still looking the way to live without her and I'm gonna find it, Damn it!


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