I can't have a relationship right now

ohmyprettygirl

Relationships are delicate. Both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to be at the same point in their lives, wanting the same things. Cant have any doubts or reservations. Do something too early, and you can taint it. Jump in too quick, you can screw things up. Wait too long, it may be too late. There are so many other variables besides who the person is..you have to consider who they are now, who they will be in the future, if you have the potential as a couple to grow together..are you on the same page and will you continue to be?

I looked at old pictures of me and my ex last night. They seem to have been taken ages ago. We have both changed so much since then, we were so young..we have grown so much since then..I don’t even know who he is anymore, and he has no idea who I am. We were compatible as kids just coming out of highschool who were able to share in the journey of the transition to college together..we shared in the joys of college life, but once we started to grow beyond that..well, who knows. That’s when we drifted apart..last semester changed my life; it made me open my eyes to the world, to my life, to my future, to who I am as a person. I am sure he changed too; he has chosen this mindset for himself and I have chosen this one for myself, and here we are at two separate paths, not connected whatsoever. We are past the transition from highschool to college, to the world of college life, what else do we have in common anymore? do we share the same view of the world? Do we view the same idea of how life should be lived?

Dating someone new: he would hold me back..I think we both know it, and that is why this wont work. He will stay here, working, and I keep talking about my big dreams…we will both end up hurt..I will want him to come with me, and he wont be able to, wont want to..he would want me to stay in Pittsburgh, or even assume I would be moving back to Pittsburgh after New York, which maybe isn't the case. I don’t want an anchor right now, I don’t want to be tied down here..I need to go where the wind chooses to blow: make connections with people where I go, make new friends, settle when I feel most comfortable or return to my home in Pittsburgh if nowhere else seems like home enough for me. Only then will I settle, when I find out where I want to be or I become tired and weary and sick of looking because I have experienced enough and lived it well, had fun, had adventures, and am finally ready to settle down to a place of comfort..whether it be somewhere else or meaning a final return to Pittsburgh. I cant promise him anything. I cant promise anyone anything right now. I am scared to jump into a situation that will tie me down. That’s why I was so scared with my ex…I knew he would tie me down to this place, he was preventing me from spreading my wings. He was weighing me down and I felt the only way to remedy this situation was to carry that weight with me..I expected him to come with me on my adventures, but sometimes some weights are just too heavy to carry I suppose. I will have to leave it behind, I will have to leave him and the idea of him behind. And I cant expect to meet anyone within the next year that could possibly understand this..that could possibly comprehend that I am a rolling stone and I intend to be a rolling stone and I like it that way, I want my life that way. My ex was also preventing me from living my situation now, he was preventing me from living out this time in my life fully, with no reserves..I have lived and had so many experiences at THIS pont in my life, within the last two years, my college years, that I wouldn’t have been able to have had I stayed with him..I wouldn’t have wanted to be tied down, I didn’t want it then and I realize now it was a wise decision for me..I cant have a relationship right now, I am nowhere near ready to settle, to get married, I wont be until I know the PLACE I am happy at, and only then will I be able to plant roots. I cant do it now.

It’s a shame, I am a walking contradiction…I want to be loved, I want someone to love and appreciate me, but how can you love a creature as fleeting as I am..I move, my character changes, I view the world differently each day..I want love, a relationship, comfort and yet I want to carry that comfort with me from place to place everywhere I go and it is not possible and I need to realize that, you can only choose one situation at a time. If I choose to settle with comfort of love before I am ready to, I will undoubtedly end up miserable later in my life, yearning for something more. If I choose to explore before I settle, I will feel accomplished and satisfied that I lived my life to the fullest and now it is time to make a family of my own, to raise other people, children to grow up and enjoy their lives as well. But only when I am finally ready to.

-S.C.

you are...

ffffound

carried away

ohcardigan

I have always classified myself as a hopeless romantic. I'm a dreamer who has the tendency to stumble straight into her dreams and then fall out of them right onto her face. Falling in love has never been my problem. I don't mean to sound shallow, but guys have always been interested in me, and I them; and I have had too many boyfriends in my short lifespan. My problem is simply that I get carried away far too easily.

It's not that I don't have standards, because I do. I know what I want from a relationship and if a guy can't give me that, then I don't bother. However, I keep finding guys who meet my standards and whose standards I meet as well, but it never feels right. Something always happens and they get attached to the point where things progress too soon and I end up falling out of what I thought was the right relationship. In the end, I'm back where I started... single and looking for that dream again.

Well, this time, I may have actually found it. He is from England and I am from the United States and we have never met. We talk on skype till the early hours of the morning his time and then he wakes up and calls be right before I dash off to bed in the early hours of my time. I don't know how we found each other. We talk all the time about meeting when I travel to England this New Years Eve, and have even made plans to spend it together.

He makes me smile, especially when he teases me about how I can't speak proper English. We never have a problem finding things to talk about, and even the occasional moment when we have had trouble thinking of what to say, we both sit on the line and just listen to each other going about our lives without the other. It's rather surreal actually; like a fairly tale. Every time he calls me, my heart skips a beat and the butterflies in my stomach flap crazily. My favorite part is when we stop talking each night, he leaves little x's at the bottom of the IM.

The only problem is, that I know that I shouldn't get carried away. I'm sure he has a life and other girls that he speaks to in the same carefree way that he talks to me, though I'd like to be selfish and say that I am the only one. I can't help it though. He is literally everything that I have wished for in a guy. We talk about profound things that matter only to the hearts of people who have felt them; I feel that he is a kindred soul.

What would I do if he did have someone else in mind? I suppose that I would go on living my life in a dream. As of right now, I don't want anyone else. I only see him, hear him and think of him. Oh dear... I've gotten carried away... again.

-K

no matter where...

iwasmadeforyou

everytime i miss tino...

Andreandroid

After a horrifying break up, i sent myself into isolation. Away from friends, away from family, away from anyone or anything that breathes.

One day, i decided to buy myself a holiday. A long long holiday of 2 weeks. and i chose Bali, Indonesia as my destination.

While packing my bags, i checked if i had everything i needed....

Passport? Check
cash? Check
Surfboard? Check

Hmm, looks like thats all i'll need when i'm away.

my brothers sent me off to the airport that day. God knows i love them to bits as they have been the ones taking care of me since mum and dad moved to japan when dad got transfered.

The flight took 7 hours, but i didn't care. I needed time alone. Actually, i wanted time alone.

I reached bali with a somewhat happy heart. No one i knew was there, no one to bother me..life was good..for that few minutes.

Then i heard my name being called. I turned around to look, and oh my goodness, my heart stopped beating. It was tino! My childhood neighbour!

He came over, we talked and found out that we were staying at the same hotel. Since i had airport transfer all booked, i told him to jump in with me. He saw my surfboard, i saw his surfboard and yelled 'yay!!!!!'

Tino and i have been friends since we were 4. I've lived in so many countries over the past 27 years of my life, that i've got friends everywhere. But tino was special. even when i was a kid, i'd tell my parents that i'm gonna marry tino when i grow up. He told his parents the same. So imagine how my heart skipped so many beats when i saw him! if i remember correctly, i last met him at the airport, was when we were moving away. we were 10 back then. I cried and hugged him so tightly and told him i was going to miss him, but not to worry, i'll come back to visit. He cried and said its like he's losing his best friend. Deep inside me, i felt the same.

As we reached the hotel, we found out that we were in rooms right next to each other. I asked if he was rooming with someone..he said 'nah. I'm here alone bubba'.. I said 'hehe, same here'

We went to our rooms to unpack and my room phone rings.. 'bubba..lets go surfing!'... It was tino. I replied 'ok. Come over in 10'.. I put on my bikini top, shorts, and my wetsuit on top.

10 on the dot my doorbell rings and there stood tino with his board shorts and surf board. I laughed and said ' you're freaking pasty tintin'..he told me to shut up and get moving and gave me a hug when i was near enough.

We surfed, laughed and then got hungry so we walked on to the hotel cafe to have a bite. The owner of the cafe walks in and asks if we were a couple. I kept quiet and smiled. Tino said 'yes. We've been together since we were 4!'. I looked up at the cafe owner and swore his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. He said 'since the both of you were 4??'... We answered 'yes!!!' together.

Time spent with tino was fun, emotional and somewhat familiar. It was like going back to my childhood where nothing mattered, no worries, and the main goal of the day, was to have fun.

One night, over dinner, tino asked me, 'bubba, why didn't you come back?'... I replied ' i did. But you weren't there. You were with amii.'

tino looked at me and said ' you knew?'

Of course i knew, jules, arly, raizz and tay-o were keeping me informed..too well informed..they wrote to me every week. No matter where i was. But tino didn't. I didn't receive one, not one letter from him since we moved.

I told him 'we share the same friends tintin. They wrote to me. But not you.'

He sat there. Tears started forming in his eyes. He looked at me, and a tear fell.

'i didn't know what to write bubba... I didn't know how to start... everytime i tried, i failed. Everytime i tried, i ended up crying. I felt so alone when you were gone.. I sat on your porch every evening hoping that i would hear you, or see you run up the driveway...but that didn't happen.. I felt so lost.. It was like a part of me died..my best friend was in another country.. I died the day you left bubba..i died.'

I answered with a simple

'we're here together now aren't we? In a different country..at the same time..'

It's like we were still connected even though we were so far apart. i didn't know how else to explain how we both managed to book flights for 2 weeks to the same destination, same hotel, and how the of us just decided to bring along our surfboards.

After that night, he said he didn't want to be apart anymore. He proposed. I accepted. We called up our families to tell them and my dad's reaction, was priceless.

'bubba? How in the world did tino propose to you? You're all the way in bali aren't you?

I replied 'emm.. Dad, he's right here with me. I saw him after i got off the plane.'

My brothers were estatic. They couldn't believe that what i told them when i was 4, was actually happening.

Even though we were engaged, we had to go back to our countries to get stuff done before we could be together for life.

After 3 months of him flying to be with me, and me flying to be with him, i found out i was pregnant. We were excited! Not only were we going to be together forever, but now, we would have a family! And after a few months of doctor's visits, we found out we were having a boy... We planned to have our ceremony right after our son was born to make it an more joyous occasion.

Tino was already planning what he was going to teach our son..they would go fishing, hiking, do 'manly' stuff..then out of the blue, tino said 'i bought us a house. It isnt grand or anything but it has a garden up front, and at the back, we have the beach'.. I was stunned and the house he purchased sounded so familiar. He bought the house where i once lived.

I was in my 36th week of pregnancy and so far, it had been an easy one. No morning sickness..no aches or pains..nothing.. We had an argument that night, and tino headed off somewhere.

He headed off to be with some so called friends that we both knew were nothing but trouble. I couldn't sleep that night. I had a nang feeling that tino was in trouble.

8 minutes after midnight, i get a call from ananda saying that tino was in an accident. He rammed into a tree. The car was a total loss.

He was drunk driving.

I rushed to the hospital but when i got there, it was already too late. My tintin....was gone.

I was sad, heartbroken but mostly mad at him for doing something so stupid.

Then i had pains. I was in labour.

The day my tintin died, our riley came into the world. a happy bouncing baby boy. Perfect in every way possible.

now, when riley asks me 'mum, where's my dad?'

My eyes fill with tears and tell him.. 'dad's watching over you. In fact, i think he's right next to you. If you close your eyes and listen, he might be telling you stuff my dear boy'

Riley closed his eyes, and listened.

he then walked up to me, smiled, gave me a hug and said ' dad says he loves you and that he's so sorry for being stupid. He says he'll never leave you and that he'll always be with us. Always always.'

When riley said always always, i knew tino was talking to him. Only tino and i ever say always always because saying it twice, means forever.

Now, everytime i miss tino, i just have to look at our son.

Riley Sky Marriott-Beth.

worth loving for

kitty gallanaugh + ffffound

letting go

henrik bülow

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

- author unknown

thanks erika!

remember that time...

unknown

that boy, he's hope.

colorinmylife

No one has ever hurt me like you have. Ever. And i hope no one ever does again. But they say your first love is the hardest to get over. You were such a terrible boy for me but i clung onto you with such a tight grip, begging, and pleading, and breaking myself and my dignity down every time i tearfully sat in front of you, on your bed, kissing your face repeatedly and asking you just to stay, to give us another chance, to just try. But you never did. You looked at me with such pity and out of guilt you would agree to stick around when you knew you shouldn't have. You were cold and heartless, but i learned that the first time you left me. However, when you came back after a long, lonely summer to yourself, i erased all of the memories and reminders of how awful you had been only to replace them with the hope that you were different, that you would be different, and that you would love me differently. What's that saying? How could I forget? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Well you fooled me all right. You put on your beautifully deceitful mask and lured me back in to fill your emptiness, to take the place of everything you couldn't have when i was gone, and to make yourself better. You were always such a selfish asshole. I hope you grow out of that one day.

And so, naive and hopeful, i placed my hand in yours but more importantly, my newfound trust and my healing heart, right in the palm of your dirty hands. History repeated itself and i ended up your fool. I hate myself for that and if i could go back in time, i'd go right to the day where i received that text message from you. I remember exactly where i was. I was standing in front of my mirror, in my bedroom, putting my hair up, getting ready to go out when my phone vibrated against the dresser. Casually i glanced down expecting it to be my best friend, but your seven digit number appeared on my screen. It no longer had your name with the little heart next to it, it was just a plain old number since i deleted you from my phone, from existance. I would go right to that moment and instead of stopping my world and my progress for you, i would ignore it and continue on with my life. But what happened, happened and there is no use dwelling on it. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Some people look at that as a cop out, as the easy way to feel sorry for yourself, but life teaches you lessons. And this was one of mine, i suppose. A painful, devestating lesson.

When you left the second time around, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was broken, hopeless, hurt, cold, scared, depressed...i just wanted you back. I would spend my days just sitting in my room, thoughts running through my mind like a busy highway. I would just cry, and cry, and cry. And just when time had passed and i was finally getting better, something would set me off and i'd scramble for my phone and pour my heart out hoping you'd read my text and something in your stupid brain would click and you'd want me again. And then i would move on again, and then i would relapse and sleep with you. And then i would get hurt and move on again, and then something would set me off two months later and i'd be back to texting you. I was pathetic, i'll be the first to admit it. But a broken heart makes you do unthinkable things. It makes you crazy. For the longest time, i just felt broken. That's the only way to describe it. I wanted to give up on my life, on my heart, on love, on men. I would sleep with guys, lead them on, play with their heads...just to get back in some way, even if it wasn't directly to you. I wanted to be heartless. I truly felt like i would never feel for another man the way i felt for you, so why even bother trying? I felt like a zombie. Actually, i just felt nothing at all. You were moving on with your life. You were now a stranger. You were happy without me. And time just slowed down for me.

It's been five months since you left me. It's been a month and a half since my last relapse over you. I'm finally getting the cue to move on. My heart is finally getting tired of beating in hopes that you'll come back. My mind is finally tired of replaying memories and haunting me with dreams. My fingers are finally tired of typing out your phone number. My lips are finally tired of craving yours. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, time is crawling on, but even crawling is moving forward.

And now, now there is him. I just met him in the past week, through a friend, but he's the kind of boy that gives me hope. He's not just a guy who wants me for sex, or he has yet to show that anyway. He's kind and cute and funny and he's everything i look for in a guy. I don't know what it is, but he makes me feel like i'm in fourth grade with the biggest crush. My heart actually feels happy again and he makes me smile. I'm not in love with him, not even close. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we'll talk for another week, or months, or years. I don't know if we'll end up together in the future or if it's just a crush. I have no idea whatsoever. But this is what i do know. You're not on my mind nearly as much. I don't get that empty feeling when i think of you. I don't miss you all that much. The sad places that remind me of you, are slowly just becoming places. Your flaws are standing out more than your good traits. And i feel. I feel again. I feel like maybe, just maybe, i could love someone more than you. I'm not scared to live anymore, i'm not so scared to love.

That new boy, i don't know what will happen with us. I don't need to know right now though, because the fact that i'm feeling at all is beautiful for me. I don't need any sort of elaborate love story to save me, i just need hope.

And that boy, he's hope.

- K

there you are.

unknown

i can’t keep drowning for you.

Diego Alborghetti

You were it, my first love, I think the closest I’ve ever come. We weren’t perfect for each other, we were exact opposites, and we fought constantly. But you made me so insanely happy, and vice versa. I know I did, from your smile down to your demands for hugs in the morning. We didn’t last long. I got too close and you took off, taking my heart with you.

I spent months trying to recover, trying desperately to recover. At first, falling in love with you, it felt like I was drowning, but the water was warm so it almost felt luxurious, enjoyable, like moving through warm honey. But then, you left, and it was like the water turned to ice and lungs started to jam up and I couldn't breathe. I was struggling, kicking, failing to get to the top, because my heart felt dead. My limbs felt frozen in place, and I have no clue how I reached the surface. But I did, and the first breath I took was so painful, and the second, and the third. Eventually, I could hold myself up but I was still shivering for a while, even after I dragged myself out of that water. I spent 6 months, trying desperately to pull myself up, I was frozen all over.

Though you’re on the other side of the world, you keep coming back, keep torturing me, keep winding me up. Making me relive this drowning process constantly, you dip me back into the warmth with your promises of how you miss me, with your drunken messages claiming to regret it all, telling me that you know how I sad I am right now and it’s killing you, that you regret hurting me, and leaving me alone here. But you just throw me back into the ice, with your claims of it was a intoxicated mistake, and your messaging of other girls telling them how much you miss them, I realise I’m really nothing to you.

I realise I can’t pretend that I mean anything to you anymore, it’s been too long, it’s one and a half years now. You’re back soon and I can’t see you because I’ll be back to square one. You can’t keep screwing me with. It's killing you? What do you think it has been doing to me? You can't keep doing this to me, you can't keep expecting me to bounce back from every single time you screw with my head. Yes you left me alone. I got up, but I'm still lonely. And once you're done with this, you're going to leave me alone all over again. And I'm going to have to sit and pick up the pieces, though I don't even know if I have the energy to do it this time.

I can’t keep drowning for you.

A.B.

for a single moment

weheartit/tumblr

better late than never

tumblr

1 year, 12 months, 365 days. A year ago right now I stood on top of a rooftop with him and he kissed me for the first time. I was such a different person, so innocent, so untouched, so unaware of how he would change me in the year to come.

But life happens, and suddenly you find yourself so far from where you've been. No warnings, no street signs, no one telling you where you made the wrong turn. From now on, every day will be a year since that day I spent with him: a year since I went to his house for the first time, a year since he brought me ice cream instead of soup when I was sick, a year since that photographer stopped us to take a picture of "the most beautiful couple he'd ever seen," a year since he left me a crying voicemail when his friend died, a year since I saw that look in his face and knew he was it for me, a year since he said I love you for the first time, a year since I couldn't say it back, a year since he left me, a year since he left everyone else. And soon it will be 2 years, then 3, then 10, and I won't even remember his face anymore and something somewhere will remind me of him and I will think to myself I really loved that boy.

A year since he kissed me, one month since he left me, two weeks, one day, four hours, seventeen minutes, and thirty-six seconds since he left us all. The hours keep moving along now, but the sun setting and rising, setting and rising is the only sign that time is still passing at all. I spend all my time at home; all I ever want to do is sleep. I don't go out with my friends, I don't feel like dancing, I can't focus on anything because I'm so goddamn tired of fighting that I've given up and I hate myself for it. I miss him, I have missed him, and missing him has become this dull aching hole in my chest, this feeling that comes in waves and bowls me over and makes me shake. I see pictures of him that make me cry and I think that I really fucked up and I wonder who I am and why I'm not doing absolutely everything I can to fix it, but then I realize that I can fix a lot of things, but his death is not one of them.

To every girl or boy or woman or man reading this: the biggest mistake you will ever make is letting fear of I love you stop you from saying it. I was afraid, but he thought that meant I didn't care. After a while, he gave up and it hurt him too much to stay. The only thing keeping me going when he left was the knowledge that he was the person I was meant to be with so in a little while, whether it be days or months or years, I would get another chance. I knew this so clearly that even when life felt so hard without him, I kept my chin up and the tears off my face because I knew he would be back. I forgot that life is fragile, hearts are only protected by a thin little cage of bones, people are born and die every day. I never once thought that I wouldn't get that second chance. I lived on it, it kept me breathing, and now that he is really gone I can't live without it.

So please, I beg of you, tell him or her. I didn't because I was afraid of humiliation, of getting hurt, of emotions so little compared to how I feel now. If I had said it he would have been at prom with me when it happened. He wouldn't have been the one picking up dinner for his mom so he wouldn't have been in that car and been at that intersection when that truck ran through that light and he would still be here. Please say it when you feel it because now the world is spiraling into chaos around me and every picture of what I was so sure my life would be like has been shattered and I need to do something to stop this from happening to anyone else.

It didn't have to be this way. It could have been a year since I said I love you back. It could have been 10 years from now, remembering where it all began on that rooftop, remembering how he always thought it would last a lifetime and, though I never said it, so did I. It could have been different, but it isn't. So I will just sit here and keep on breathing and hope that time will make each day, each month, each year a little bit easier to bear without him. I will keep trying to fit together the pieces of my life that I have left, even when the puzzles still a mess and I still feel so broken. It didn't have to be this way for me, and it doesn't have to be this way for you. Sometime in this life, the person who means to you what he did to me will be gone. Hopefully you will have time with them, time that I didn't have, but even if you do, it will happen sometime in the far future and when it does, the regret will break you if you never said it.

So here it is Connor, I like to think better late than never:


I love you.

you are here

tumblr

every time my heart beat faster

somethinglifelike + adriano.brodbeck

2 years ago I traveled to portugal for a month in the summer, I was there for meet some of my relatives and for a wedding.

When I first met you I was in a party in the fiance's house, I came a bit late and was with my brother and my little cousin, my brother said to me "he is staring at you", I looked at you and tried to pretend to pay attention to some thing else.

At the church I saw you again, you was right there, near to me, still looking at me.

At the wedding party you wasn't looking at me but I was looking for you.

When I sat with my family and you sat down at the same table, at some point my brother called me and said " he is taking pictures of you", later I was dancing with my little cousin and my aunt, and you came near just for hold my hand, but the music stopped and I released his hand, was late of night and I went home.

After that wedding I saw you another two times, but I hardly talked to you.

Summer was over and I came to my country, after some days I realized that my brother gave my phone number and my e-mail address to you, since that day we chatted 5 times or so, and every time my heart beat faster.

And now after 2 years I secretly hope that you still have the pictures you took of me on your phone and you spend hours looking at them.

B.