Thursday, May 6, 2010

i can’t keep drowning for you.


Diego Alborghetti

You were it, my first love, I think the closest I’ve ever come. We weren’t perfect for each other, we were exact opposites, and we fought constantly. But you made me so insanely happy, and vice versa. I know I did, from your smile down to your demands for hugs in the morning. We didn’t last long. I got too close and you took off, taking my heart with you.

I spent months trying to recover, trying desperately to recover. At first, falling in love with you, it felt like I was drowning, but the water was warm so it almost felt luxurious, enjoyable, like moving through warm honey. But then, you left, and it was like the water turned to ice and lungs started to jam up and I couldn't breathe. I was struggling, kicking, failing to get to the top, because my heart felt dead. My limbs felt frozen in place, and I have no clue how I reached the surface. But I did, and the first breath I took was so painful, and the second, and the third. Eventually, I could hold myself up but I was still shivering for a while, even after I dragged myself out of that water. I spent 6 months, trying desperately to pull myself up, I was frozen all over.

Though you’re on the other side of the world, you keep coming back, keep torturing me, keep winding me up. Making me relive this drowning process constantly, you dip me back into the warmth with your promises of how you miss me, with your drunken messages claiming to regret it all, telling me that you know how I sad I am right now and it’s killing you, that you regret hurting me, and leaving me alone here. But you just throw me back into the ice, with your claims of it was a intoxicated mistake, and your messaging of other girls telling them how much you miss them, I realise I’m really nothing to you.

I realise I can’t pretend that I mean anything to you anymore, it’s been too long, it’s one and a half years now. You’re back soon and I can’t see you because I’ll be back to square one. You can’t keep screwing me with. It's killing you? What do you think it has been doing to me? You can't keep doing this to me, you can't keep expecting me to bounce back from every single time you screw with my head. Yes you left me alone. I got up, but I'm still lonely. And once you're done with this, you're going to leave me alone all over again. And I'm going to have to sit and pick up the pieces, though I don't even know if I have the energy to do it this time.

I can’t keep drowning for you.

A.B.

42 comments:

  1. I can relate to this. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. you have just perfectly described my situation - thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Heartbreaking...but keep your head up high. He's not for you if knowingly continues to hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  4. If someone does love us for what we are.. then better let it go and move on.. we all deserve something good and that is love!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sorry: what I meaned above is, if someone does not love us..

    ReplyDelete
  6. Exactly what I went through. You're so strong for realizing that you need to stop seeing him. It's one step at a time. My tip is to delete his number and delete him from your life, it makes it easier to get over that huge bump and then you might be able to look ahead and fall in love again, with someone who deserves you.

    Be strong and ignorant towards him. (It's hard I know, but you'll feel better)

    Love,
    Sara

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm going through the exact same thing. It's a rough process but almost like a necessary evil. I feel as though we'll be tougher in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are such a good writer. I love the metaphores you are using. Like drowning in warm water etc. Beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  9. this could not have a more perfect time.

    this is my life right now. never been in so much pain. ever.

    ReplyDelete
  10. It will be a hard time when he's back. Don't be affraid, don't fell shattered by the time it's taking to forget, some people will just be there, on and off, in our minds.
    But at some stage it (he) will become memory, bittersweet, and you'll be moving on.
    And maybe it will still happen several times, with other 'hims' in your life.
    x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Exact words of what I'm going through but I feel very happy with or without him even if it hurts like hell. xxoxoxxoxooo

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow, this is identicle to what I am going through at this moment. When you finally tell yourself that "everything is going to be okay", he always seems to ruin it whether it be with a text that says 'i miss you' or one that just reminds you that it's over. I'm constantly wavering back and forth between something that is not healthy for me at all, and something that i want SO incredibly badly. I know that I'm nothing to him, just another girl that he can use, but I can't stop- I miss him so much. I wish that I could turn back time- to when everything was beautiful and it was worth it... now I'm ashamed to say that I've been stuck in a rut for almost a year over a stupid boy, a stupid boy that meant the world to me and left.

    heart-intheclouds.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. aw this is an awful feeling, im sorry
    just be thankful love existed and it will be something you always have

    ReplyDelete
  14. When you let him go and you find yourself sunning yourself on the beach, you may meet one better than him.
    One who will only the sink the stones he skips across the surface for your amusement and admiration.
    Or maybe you will learn to fly.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I shivered when i read your story. This is what i've been going through for so long. You described it beautifully, thank you

    ReplyDelete
  16. It´s my first time in your blog, is really touching, I love it...
    This history is so sad and still so beautiful, thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  17. its the ability of women to understand that they deserve better, that they are capable of walking away and that their resilience will triumph over everything.

    you described what i am going through perfectly.

    for some reason, it feels so uplifting and relieving that there are others out there who are going through and feeling the same thing that i am.

    may our resilience triumph.

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is tragically beautiful. Very very well written. I know exactly how you feel and for me I never unfroze until I stopped believing and paying attention to his drunken messages and his constantly coming back into my life. You know that he'll just let you down again, you do know that, so don't let him.

    He may not be a terrible person but he's terrible for you.

    You must disconnect yourself from his torment or you will never feel sane.

    I wish you all the best

    ReplyDelete
  19. Beautiful. I am going through a heart wrenching break up at the moment. Feels good to read someone else has experienced the same torturous feelings.

    ReplyDelete
  20. It scares me how many broken hearts it is in here. I have been there to and thought I'd never be able to let someone in again. But here I am, smiling when my special someone's texting me, when I see a picture of him, hear his name and so on. It's amazing how love affects us.

    ReplyDelete
  21. this describes where i was not so long ago. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. hang in there <3

    ReplyDelete
  22. increible, de real y de doloroso

    ReplyDelete
  23. I love your blog, remember, things happen for a reason... You're very creative.
    Anna
    handmade jewelry

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh dear, I feel you! You can totally relate to what I am feeling. Thank you for the beautiful words.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Keep letting it out ... words are a great release :)
    Beautiful images!
    Follow me? I'm on my blogging training wheels ...
    thenonfictionalcurves.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  26. This is exactly how I feel. My boyfriend has a new girlfriend now, but yet he still wants to see me, he still tells me he misses me.

    I hate him for wanting the best of both worlds.

    I am drowning as well.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thank you for writing and sharing this. It inspires me to stop "drowning" myself as well.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm in tears after reading this, we've all been there, even if one can't remember, it's part of being a girl. It's bittersweet sometimes.
    Still, there's light. I think you already caught a glimpse of it.

    Beautiful.

    PS Maybe you can find inspiration on being a strong independent women and on putting yourself first by reading "Portrait of a Lady" by Henry James

    ReplyDelete
  29. wow, you definitely know how to use a words. it's amazing and i really felt like it's my situation right now. thank you very much. i'm just sad that i can't describe my feelings that well.

    ReplyDelete
  30. we want to be in each other harms so bad, what are we waiting for, what could be more beautiful than look into each other eyes again, how would you picture our first evening together?we don't even need words, our love tells already everything

    ReplyDelete
  31. this is really beautiful, i've been here. i've written some similar stuff check out my blog (under the link to "playing with words" there are some stories really similar to this one). If you have a blog leave a comment I'd love to check it out!

    http://mymomentsmuse.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  32. Thankyou for writing this I felt the same way about a guy for about three years and i've finally moved on and it's the best feeling, you'll stop drowning and start swimming soon enough, just hang in there =)
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  33. So beautifully written

    Stay strong

    ReplyDelete
  34. Move on girl, you gonna surprise whats await you in the future xx

    ReplyDelete
  35. It is so sad that people are so selfish. If we would lost a wallet on the street we would not expect to find it one week later in the same place with all the value inside. You cannot just drop people like this and then expect them to be always the same. Sometimes it is better to be alone. Love should be light and we really have little time for it. You have a beautiful soul and one day you will walk with your head up.
    wish you all the best
    A

    ReplyDelete
  36. Goodness, there is a lot of worthwhile info in this post!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...