Thursday, May 6, 2010
i can’t keep drowning for you.
You were it, my first love, I think the closest I’ve ever come. We weren’t perfect for each other, we were exact opposites, and we fought constantly. But you made me so insanely happy, and vice versa. I know I did, from your smile down to your demands for hugs in the morning. We didn’t last long. I got too close and you took off, taking my heart with you.
I spent months trying to recover, trying desperately to recover. At first, falling in love with you, it felt like I was drowning, but the water was warm so it almost felt luxurious, enjoyable, like moving through warm honey. But then, you left, and it was like the water turned to ice and lungs started to jam up and I couldn't breathe. I was struggling, kicking, failing to get to the top, because my heart felt dead. My limbs felt frozen in place, and I have no clue how I reached the surface. But I did, and the first breath I took was so painful, and the second, and the third. Eventually, I could hold myself up but I was still shivering for a while, even after I dragged myself out of that water. I spent 6 months, trying desperately to pull myself up, I was frozen all over.
Though you’re on the other side of the world, you keep coming back, keep torturing me, keep winding me up. Making me relive this drowning process constantly, you dip me back into the warmth with your promises of how you miss me, with your drunken messages claiming to regret it all, telling me that you know how I sad I am right now and it’s killing you, that you regret hurting me, and leaving me alone here. But you just throw me back into the ice, with your claims of it was a intoxicated mistake, and your messaging of other girls telling them how much you miss them, I realise I’m really nothing to you.
I realise I can’t pretend that I mean anything to you anymore, it’s been too long, it’s one and a half years now. You’re back soon and I can’t see you because I’ll be back to square one. You can’t keep screwing me with. It's killing you? What do you think it has been doing to me? You can't keep doing this to me, you can't keep expecting me to bounce back from every single time you screw with my head. Yes you left me alone. I got up, but I'm still lonely. And once you're done with this, you're going to leave me alone all over again. And I'm going to have to sit and pick up the pieces, though I don't even know if I have the energy to do it this time.
I can’t keep drowning for you.