Thursday, May 20, 2010

I can't have a relationship right now


ohmyprettygirl

Relationships are delicate. Both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to be at the same point in their lives, wanting the same things. Cant have any doubts or reservations. Do something too early, and you can taint it. Jump in too quick, you can screw things up. Wait too long, it may be too late. There are so many other variables besides who the person is..you have to consider who they are now, who they will be in the future, if you have the potential as a couple to grow together..are you on the same page and will you continue to be?

I looked at old pictures of me and my ex last night. They seem to have been taken ages ago. We have both changed so much since then, we were so young..we have grown so much since then..I don’t even know who he is anymore, and he has no idea who I am. We were compatible as kids just coming out of highschool who were able to share in the journey of the transition to college together..we shared in the joys of college life, but once we started to grow beyond that..well, who knows. That’s when we drifted apart..last semester changed my life; it made me open my eyes to the world, to my life, to my future, to who I am as a person. I am sure he changed too; he has chosen this mindset for himself and I have chosen this one for myself, and here we are at two separate paths, not connected whatsoever. We are past the transition from highschool to college, to the world of college life, what else do we have in common anymore? do we share the same view of the world? Do we view the same idea of how life should be lived?

Dating someone new: he would hold me back..I think we both know it, and that is why this wont work. He will stay here, working, and I keep talking about my big dreams…we will both end up hurt..I will want him to come with me, and he wont be able to, wont want to..he would want me to stay in Pittsburgh, or even assume I would be moving back to Pittsburgh after New York, which maybe isn't the case. I don’t want an anchor right now, I don’t want to be tied down here..I need to go where the wind chooses to blow: make connections with people where I go, make new friends, settle when I feel most comfortable or return to my home in Pittsburgh if nowhere else seems like home enough for me. Only then will I settle, when I find out where I want to be or I become tired and weary and sick of looking because I have experienced enough and lived it well, had fun, had adventures, and am finally ready to settle down to a place of comfort..whether it be somewhere else or meaning a final return to Pittsburgh. I cant promise him anything. I cant promise anyone anything right now. I am scared to jump into a situation that will tie me down. That’s why I was so scared with my ex…I knew he would tie me down to this place, he was preventing me from spreading my wings. He was weighing me down and I felt the only way to remedy this situation was to carry that weight with me..I expected him to come with me on my adventures, but sometimes some weights are just too heavy to carry I suppose. I will have to leave it behind, I will have to leave him and the idea of him behind. And I cant expect to meet anyone within the next year that could possibly understand this..that could possibly comprehend that I am a rolling stone and I intend to be a rolling stone and I like it that way, I want my life that way. My ex was also preventing me from living my situation now, he was preventing me from living out this time in my life fully, with no reserves..I have lived and had so many experiences at THIS pont in my life, within the last two years, my college years, that I wouldn’t have been able to have had I stayed with him..I wouldn’t have wanted to be tied down, I didn’t want it then and I realize now it was a wise decision for me..I cant have a relationship right now, I am nowhere near ready to settle, to get married, I wont be until I know the PLACE I am happy at, and only then will I be able to plant roots. I cant do it now.

It’s a shame, I am a walking contradiction…I want to be loved, I want someone to love and appreciate me, but how can you love a creature as fleeting as I am..I move, my character changes, I view the world differently each day..I want love, a relationship, comfort and yet I want to carry that comfort with me from place to place everywhere I go and it is not possible and I need to realize that, you can only choose one situation at a time. If I choose to settle with comfort of love before I am ready to, I will undoubtedly end up miserable later in my life, yearning for something more. If I choose to explore before I settle, I will feel accomplished and satisfied that I lived my life to the fullest and now it is time to make a family of my own, to raise other people, children to grow up and enjoy their lives as well. But only when I am finally ready to.

-S.C.

49 comments:

  1. wow this is great, its exactly how I feel about my own life. Best of luck with your adventures

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  2. This is how i sometimes feel about my family and friends.i mean I'm only 14 but i already know i wont be looking for anything 'stable with a solid foundation' or god forbid 'practical'.I want adventures and make a life so exciting that i can muse about it in my old age and i can say WOW I'VE LIVED!

    Just because the people i love don't view life the way i do doesn't mean I don't love them or i have nothing in common with them it just means we're different.

    Even though I've never even been close to falling in love I understand where your coming from.

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  3. I met someone like that...in your position. My exboss who is now 39 years old, married with a beautiful daughter.

    Back in the days, she was put at the crossroad between lover and pursuing her dream.

    Then she chose to stay , then she chose to compromise her dream in return of a family.

    No one knows what will be ahead and so what it could have been.My point is nothing more than to say...no matter which way one has chosen, just never look back.
    Hold no fear. And with attitude: "thanks god it happens."

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  4. this is perfect. the last paragraph captured me perfectly. i have been refering to myself as one big contradiction lately, and it's true. we all grow at diferent paces. and i take comfort in that fact.

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  5. I had the same situation. I finally found a guy who I really liked and ofcourse our realtionship had some difficulties but we were trying to work it out, we really enjoyed each other company and we both had found someone we really liked over a really long time. But then I realized I'm not ready, I have yet so much to experience and do in life, I was miserable at home, even though I had an amazing guy. So I decided to leave home, go see the world. And I'm happy now, I think I've never been so happy before, even though I'm alone, but at least my soul is happy and pleased now. Though I only went away for 10 months, so I migh still work everything out with him. If it feels right. I'm not worrying about it right now. I have to live for myself, make decicions to make myself happy. And after that I can start living for someone else.

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  6. So many things to consider...
    Wish it were more simple, but I guess you just have to just go with it, and see what happens :)

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  7. sometimes i read these stories and they help me understand, and process. i'm on the other end of that equation right now, watching the love of my life spread his wings. it's the hardest thing i've ever done, but i still have so much faith that if we really are meant to be together, we will be someday. just not today. and in the meantime we both have to live our lives as individuals.

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  8. this was me about a year ago. i'd been with my boyfriend for two years. high school sweethearts i guess you could say. we both had big dreams. i needed to get out & explore, he needed to stay for uni & everything else to make his own future. we tried long distance, but we both knew i was never coming back. i'm from newzealand, so i got a job in australia, i packed my bags, & i booked a one way ticket. i'm now two weeks away from moving to london. a year later i'm sitting here wondering what could've been, youknow? where would we be now? all i know is that life's not worth living if you are going to regret what you're doing. i've spread my wings, & i am living. i think that if me & my ex are meant to be, we will be. just not right now. if fate leads me back to him in five years time, who knows what will happen. i'm living in the moment. you only have one shot at this life girl, make the absolute most of it.

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  9. There was a point in time where I was this, who you described. Why compromise our own potential, right? The world is a big place to explore.

    But then I began to wonder, if that's the case then why even think about EVER falling in love at all? Why even bother about marriage? There will never be a time when you are 'satisfied' with your career, with the people you've met, with the wonderful things you've experienced in life. There's always so much more out there, at 20, 25, 30, 35, 40.. The more absorbed you are in your own own independent dreams, the more unwilling you will become for anyone to take that away from you.

    I think we shouldn't close our hearts and wait for 'the right time' because there never is one. Instead we should just be open and see what comes, falling in and out of love, learning to love, to give of ourselves and also to stand on our feet, until we find the right person whose dreams will entangle with our own and without whom our dreams are incomplete.

    Just my opinion. (:

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  10. I agree with the writer-reader just above! You are so wise "s". I dont know you but writing your opinion in short I truly like, your way of thinging.. Loving and that give and take of love grows you...

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  11. I feel the same way about Pittsburgh, I love it and it is home, but I left for something more, and the in process, lost a lot of what is there. It might be too hard to go back, so we have to keep moving. <3

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  12. this was like reading my own words. it feels kinda lame in a way, I always come to this website to get carried away by love letters and now its one about my daily problems. I feel so ordinary lol. but hey. girls think about stuff too mutch, and just curiousity, have you ever heard of a guy in this situation???

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  13. from one adventurer to another, go.
    when you travel and seek out your dreams of adventure you will discover more and more of who you truely are. and only then will you know what you truely want.
    in my experiences, even having travelled and having lived the adventures, the yearning for more of them never dies. but i have also learnt that home can be the hand you are holding in yours. and finding love doesn't have to mean 'settling down'.
    the right person will shares the same dreams as you, and celebrate your spirit of wanting more. there's no rush, they will come along. for now, you simply must go. and follow your dreams of adventure.
    best of luck to you. x

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  14. I think you're afraid. You know this deep down. You want to flee, and it's true, see the world and all its beauty and majesty and find your home, but you're also very scared...that's where the contradiction between wanting love and being a "fleeting creature" comes from.

    i only say this because i have been-and still am, somewhat- where you are.

    either way, if someone's meant to be in your life, he will stay in your life, one way or another. don't fight love for the sake of independence, wherever you go. good luck.

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  15. don't hesitate. just GO! move. change the place. if you have doubts, if you're not sure i think it's not the best idea to settle down now, to let somebody occupy your brain, heart. let's something new creeps into your life! life's just a big joruney, live it to the fullest. you need to develope, you gotta catch occassions, otherwise you'll feel bitter taste in some years.
    best wishes!

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  16. I think it's kind of arrogant to think that there's not someone out there with even greater dreams that you can both inspire each other. Love doesn't have to include settling down, but it can be building up and both following your dreams together.

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  17. This is exactly how I feel right now. Just returned from amazing months in Milano, four months of escaping myself.
    I'm spending the last summer in my hometown, trying to figure out what I want and how I feel in terms of love. I do prefer myself, my future, my plans, my university-studies and career.
    But then again, I'm sitting here a friday-night in my boring hometown in the south of Sweden. Getting text-messages from my friends telling me they're spending the night with their boyfriends.. feeling that I need two strong Italian arms to hold me.

    But then again, I remember that WOW. I have my future and my freedom, I know what I want with my life and love - it just has to come in a second place right now.

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  18. Hun do what you have to do to be happy, LIVE hard, cry,laugh,smile,get mad. Go through all that life wants to give you, you know when your ready.
    People rush to much and than when there are old that have all these what ifs, it sucks.

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  19. love ur blog
    great post
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    fuckthatfashionart.blogspot.com

    kisses

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  20. I'm going through the same this very moment. I think many couples after two weeks of nonstop vicious arguing and painful hitting below the belt that my boyfriend of two years and I would already call it quits.

    I'm torn.

    Despite loving him madly, I find little by little that we have grown...changed. I have gotten older, more expectant, striving for more than the "mediocre". He still is the same person he was two years ago who just wants to 'survive'. We're breaking apart little by little...I don't know what to do, except gamble whether taking up more of life to give us a chance is worth it.

    But yes. Thank you for your story.

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  21. just today i was thinking about how i am in the exact same place. i really like Jeanette Winterson's quote about this:

    "What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home."

    maybe we have to pay a price for freedom. maybe we have to pay a price for coming home. even though most of the time i might not feel like it, i would prefer freedom. knowing that "home" is there waiting for you is nice. knowing that the world is out there screaming your name is better. i just hope i'll remember this later in life when i place my world in somebody's hands again.

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  22. I felt like you were describing my situation! I feel the same way...and the same happened with my ex..I wanted to travel and in fact I did but he didn't want to come with me and experience what it is to live somewhere else... and now I feel I can't be with anybody at least they share my same dream...and I'm not ready to stay in my city I need to live more and to see more...
    great story!!

    www.cordobastreetstyle.blogspot.com

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  23. thank you for this, it was very honest.

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  24. Indeed, Life is full of Choices.

    Looking, Searching...

    Leaving, Running Away...


    If I will ask Him to go with Me, and he said NO, its heartbreaking.

    But if he said YES, it means sharing this New Journey and the feeling of making it worth it for Him too.

    Its much more emotional, he left everything for You.

    So I guess you're off to a better start.

    Best of Luck!

    =)

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  25. i needed to read this ten years ago...

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  26. Oh! I don´t know what to say, but I feel like saying something anyway! But what? Maybe that you simply took my breath away with this text! I love the feeling that grows inside me when I read this.

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  27. i love this


    everyone please check out and follow my blog :o)

    sunnypeaches.blogspot.com

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  28. wow! you're at pittsburgh; i live in brazil, and i feel EXACTLY the same way you do! i just loved your text and your ideas, so deep and sincere!

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  29. Omg... I have followed your blog in months now and I just have to say that I love it so much! your blog is so beautiful!

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  30. this is exactly what i needed to read.

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  31. There's a brazilian song that says:

    "Those who can't love
    are waiting for someone who fits in their dreams"

    There's no right time to love

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  32. this was really well writted, i loved it <3
    joce

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  33. Thank you for this. It was lovely. And summed up so much of what I feel. Btw my initials are SC too. (:

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  34. I have a boyfriend of 4 years, I truly love him, but I know I'm making limits for myself by staying with him. I want to study abroad, he loves our hometown. It's extremely complicated to be a dreamer which always want to see more of whats out there.

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  35. I love this. Its honest, I think many people feel this way. At least I do.

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  36. i feel 100% exactly the same way about my life. This was very well written :)

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  37. I think i can't have a relationship right now as well,reading your arguments, but at the same time I'm so madly in love at the moment, it's too hard to ignore (:
    Jesus, I'm stupid.

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  38. Being stuck with the right guy in the wrong place makes him the wrong guy, when u find the right one, he'll go with you where ever the wind blows you xxxxxx

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  39. Wow, I feel like this too, haven't really thought about it much but what you've written matches me completely. Greetings from Sweden :)

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  40. i know exactly how you feel. it is a contradiction but the good thing is, we are allowed to be that way. i want to be loved, have someone there at night who i know loves me. someone to look forward to. but then what if i want to up and leave? what if i get tired of them? of the place i'm in but they don't agree. i used to want the american dream and now im realizing i only want someone there at times. which is a horrible thing to say and so confusing!

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  41. I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW LELOVE DOES THIS. you always seem to choose posts that reflect what i am JUST going through! this is EXACTLY how i am feeling right now. i thought i always wanted a boyfriend but i realize that i am so much more ready to be independent and single and straddle life before i take it down a notch.

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  42. I really don't know what to say except for : WOW . this is amazing!

    greetings from a german girl (who is currently in america)

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  43. this is great.
    Love isn't something to jump into or force. Cause then you'll end up unhappy and uncertain the entire time no matter how many times you try to force yourself to believe that you are...

    True Love..True love lasts forever. thats not a myth. If it was truly meant to be it will happen. If it was truly yours; it will come back to you. Those things are true. People just need to learn to let go and not be so "scared" of being "alone". Just because you aren't with the person you want doesn't mean you're alone. Friend family loved ones. Are always around. You have to be strong. And be able to know yourself what you want and stand sturdy on your own two feet before you even try to think about supporting another. Supporting or tying yourself to someone when you're still weak? You'll either both crumble or you'll be a heavy burden for the other. Live for yourself while you're blessed with the time to. When you're truly happy on your own; you can successfully share that blessed happiness with someone else. And it'll last then. =]

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  44. I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at www.saveabreakup.com I totally recommend this site, saveabreakup.com helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...

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  45. wow this is great, its exactly how I feel about my own life. Best of luck with your adventures

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  46. this is EXACTLY how i feel right now. I chose to live in Korea and be strong about it !! :) If I can do it, any one can do it! This is really well written!



    www.amanda-hays.blogspot.com

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