Tuesday, May 4, 2010

better late than never


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1 year, 12 months, 365 days. A year ago right now I stood on top of a rooftop with him and he kissed me for the first time. I was such a different person, so innocent, so untouched, so unaware of how he would change me in the year to come.

But life happens, and suddenly you find yourself so far from where you've been. No warnings, no street signs, no one telling you where you made the wrong turn. From now on, every day will be a year since that day I spent with him: a year since I went to his house for the first time, a year since he brought me ice cream instead of soup when I was sick, a year since that photographer stopped us to take a picture of "the most beautiful couple he'd ever seen," a year since he left me a crying voicemail when his friend died, a year since I saw that look in his face and knew he was it for me, a year since he said I love you for the first time, a year since I couldn't say it back, a year since he left me, a year since he left everyone else. And soon it will be 2 years, then 3, then 10, and I won't even remember his face anymore and something somewhere will remind me of him and I will think to myself I really loved that boy.

A year since he kissed me, one month since he left me, two weeks, one day, four hours, seventeen minutes, and thirty-six seconds since he left us all. The hours keep moving along now, but the sun setting and rising, setting and rising is the only sign that time is still passing at all. I spend all my time at home; all I ever want to do is sleep. I don't go out with my friends, I don't feel like dancing, I can't focus on anything because I'm so goddamn tired of fighting that I've given up and I hate myself for it. I miss him, I have missed him, and missing him has become this dull aching hole in my chest, this feeling that comes in waves and bowls me over and makes me shake. I see pictures of him that make me cry and I think that I really fucked up and I wonder who I am and why I'm not doing absolutely everything I can to fix it, but then I realize that I can fix a lot of things, but his death is not one of them.

To every girl or boy or woman or man reading this: the biggest mistake you will ever make is letting fear of I love you stop you from saying it. I was afraid, but he thought that meant I didn't care. After a while, he gave up and it hurt him too much to stay. The only thing keeping me going when he left was the knowledge that he was the person I was meant to be with so in a little while, whether it be days or months or years, I would get another chance. I knew this so clearly that even when life felt so hard without him, I kept my chin up and the tears off my face because I knew he would be back. I forgot that life is fragile, hearts are only protected by a thin little cage of bones, people are born and die every day. I never once thought that I wouldn't get that second chance. I lived on it, it kept me breathing, and now that he is really gone I can't live without it.

So please, I beg of you, tell him or her. I didn't because I was afraid of humiliation, of getting hurt, of emotions so little compared to how I feel now. If I had said it he would have been at prom with me when it happened. He wouldn't have been the one picking up dinner for his mom so he wouldn't have been in that car and been at that intersection when that truck ran through that light and he would still be here. Please say it when you feel it because now the world is spiraling into chaos around me and every picture of what I was so sure my life would be like has been shattered and I need to do something to stop this from happening to anyone else.

It didn't have to be this way. It could have been a year since I said I love you back. It could have been 10 years from now, remembering where it all began on that rooftop, remembering how he always thought it would last a lifetime and, though I never said it, so did I. It could have been different, but it isn't. So I will just sit here and keep on breathing and hope that time will make each day, each month, each year a little bit easier to bear without him. I will keep trying to fit together the pieces of my life that I have left, even when the puzzles still a mess and I still feel so broken. It didn't have to be this way for me, and it doesn't have to be this way for you. Sometime in this life, the person who means to you what he did to me will be gone. Hopefully you will have time with them, time that I didn't have, but even if you do, it will happen sometime in the far future and when it does, the regret will break you if you never said it.

So here it is Connor, I like to think better late than never:


I love you.

135 comments:

  1. This kills me.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this.
    This is so heart wrenching, but beautiful at the same time. It's honest and its real.

    It holds a powerful message one which I really hit home for me.

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  3. THis is beautifully heartbreaking.fear is a crazy thing and sadly it does stop us from saying wat we truely want to. my condolences.

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  4. ohhhh my God. So heartbreaking. I'm sure he's watching over you and feels your love. My sympathy goes out to you<3 keep that head up, even if it feels like things will never get better you know he'd want you happy.

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  5. this is so beautiful. .. i lost my chance to tell him how i felt, but i will do all i can to let him know that i do; i do love him too.

    thank you for sharing. it really did hit home. :(

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  6. oh my goodness, I cant hold back my tears. This is so so so beautiful.
    That I want to share it with my friends.
    thank you!!!

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  7. This story moved me a lot.. touched me deep inside!
    It is important to say to the belobved ones those three words: I love you!
    Have a good day!

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  8. T_T

    I don't really know what to say. I just hope that someday, somehow, you can find someone you can love even though it might not have the same intensity as your love for Connor.

    It breaks my heart reading this. I really, really wish you'll be happy tomorrow.

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  9. i knew him and know her and they were truly a fairy tale couple, together for not very long but everyone joked about them being together forever no understood why they ended and now this?

    you will never meet anyone more sweet and beautiful than this girl and we are all reeling from this loss. I love you S, he loves you if nothing else makes sense i hope that is clear to you <3 someday i promise you will smile again

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  10. Thank you so much for having the courage to share this . I truly hope that one day you will find that same sort of love again

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  11. .. Ι´ve commented also before.. just wanted to say.. be strong, love is gonna find you someday!
    I am sad to read your story..
    BE STRONG.. Your love for him will remain in your heart! Love doesnt fade away

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  12. .. My condolences and my sympathy also! xxxx

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  13. Knowing that love has truly existed - no matter when - goes beyond life and death. Nobody lives forever, but you'll know that you once loved him. And though he couldn't hear the "I love you", he once loved you too. As much as we all hope fairy tales come true, unfortunately we don't say things timely enough. To him and many of us with unrequited love, however, the experience of having someone in our heart will probably stay with us even longer than that love itself. It's a truly remarkable thing that you both had that experience together - whether it was officially acknowledged or not.

    I hope that time when you want to get up, open your windows, and smile bright at the world again will come soon.

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  14. Oh God.
    As I read this, my eyes just broke into tears as my heart broke with them.

    I completely agree with all that Lila said above; the love and memories that you share outlive life itself. We're all here for such a short time, but as long as we say what's in our hearts, there is time enough.
    ... as long as we say what's in our hearts ...
    that is the part that's killing me, too.

    If S. is reading this, you're doing a noble thing by sharing this story, and I think C. would be proud of you. He loves you, and I believe he would want you to welcome the world again, and live your life, when the moment comes.
    And that moment will come.

    I wish the best of luck to you.
    And to anyone who reads this, tell the person you love that you love them. Life is too short, and it isn't something to be lived half-heartedly or with regret.

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  15. Amen.

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful, touching letter from your soul.

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  16. Thank you for sharing
    You are wonderful

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  17. I'll tell him today how much I love him.
    Thank you

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  18. your words struck me.

    love is eternal, goes beyond life and death. the heart listens, even if our ears don't.

    life is the past, the now and the future. please smile again, he'd want you to.

    my condolences.

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  19. Thank you.

    I needed this.

    Now I know I am doing the right thing.

    I love him. I never meant to hurt him.

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  20. I would type more, but I can't really see through my tears. Thank you. My deepest condolences, also. x

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  21. Damn..I cried. So touching.

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  22. Thank you so much for this,
    You are so braving.
    This was so sad and amazing and heart wrenching.
    I'll remember this.
    xx

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  23. This touched me. -hugs-

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  24. My heart just broke.

    But i guess it's never easy to say 'i love you' even to someone you truly love. Or maybe it's just me.

    But thanks anyway. Stay strong.

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  25. So inspirational..
    I think, everybody that feels they way that you did when you were to scared to say those three words, should read this.
    Life can change so quickly, people need to know just how much you care about them.
    You will be fine. Truely.
    XX

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  26. Thank you for sharing! I just called my boyfriend and said that i loved him, and he loved me back. Carpe diem! Thank you again, and I'm sure that Connor can read this from heaven and i promise that he thinks that he has the best girl ever!

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  27. Oh god. This was beautiful, and beautifully written.

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  28. Thank you for sharing your story not only for sharing your pain with all of us but to give also a lesson: Not to take for granted the people who we love! and be more expressive with words and actions:) Hopefully you getting well:) Why those three words are so difficult to spill them out of the month?
    I am sure he knows that you loved him.. he sees your letter from above!

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  29. I am so sorry babe. Thank u for sharing with all of us.
    Life goes on, we must learn from our mistakes and move forward.
    Loads of love.
    A

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  30. thank you for this. you have a beautiful heart. continue to lift your chin up. he will definitely be looking after you. here's a tight hug for you:)

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  31. this is beautifully touching. i text my boyfriend straight away and told him i loved him, because now i truly do and i need him to know that.

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  32. Beautiful but sad story :( It can be hard to loose someone you love, take it from someone who knows...

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  33. My boss just asked me why I was crying. I didn't even notice the tears running down my cheeks, while reading this text. I loved it. I'm sorry...

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  34. amazingly heartfelt and incredibly well-written. i am so sorry for your loss but so proud of you for pressing on and spreading your very important message. keep your chin up.

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  35. I rarely shed a tear, but this left me choking on the lump in my throat. Painfully familiar, but a reminder for me to cherish each moment spent with a loved one as if it were their/my own last. Dammit, there go the tears.

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  36. This story is so heartbreaking. I hope he sees this from heaven <3

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  37. This account was very moving.
    Thank you for sharing. I hardly read stuff on this site, but look at the photos.
    But I'm going to share this with all my friends.

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  38. You made me cry.
    Wow.

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  39. I can't really put what I feel in words right now, but this touched me more than anything. Thank you for writing this, and I'm sorry that it happened to you.

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  40. I am so sorry.

    He knows you love him now. And I'm sure he's just so happy to know.

    You are such a courageous woman, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I don't think you meant for this posting to be beautiful. You just wanted to tell us, to let us know, to make us understand what we have to do. And you've succeeded.

    Thank you for your strength, and thank you for thinking about others when a tragedy as such gives you full license to think about you and him only.

    What a beautiful soul you have.

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  41. Everything happens for a reason, whether it be good or bad and you have to remember that. I'm not going to say sorry because i know that doesn't help you. It doesnt matter how sorry people feel for you because sympathy isn't what you even want or need. I will say though, that you have so much to look forward to in your future. There will be people that come into your life that will help heal some of the open wounds you have now and will make you a better person because of it. You are incredibly strong. Best of luck. xx

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  42. beautiful, heartbreaking, but beautiful

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  43. so tragically beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

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  44. I'm crying... be strong!
    That's all I can say! :(

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  45. I think he knows you love him, now.

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  46. Heartbreaking but needed. Thank you for sharing your story....

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  47. that was beautiful. two years ago something quite similiar happened to me and the people i love.

    he knows you love him.
    two years later its not going to hurt any less, but you will have grown. and instead of crying at the pictures of him, you will smile at a silly memory.

    be strong

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  48. i can't tell him never! i am too afraid and i know something positive's not gonna happen.

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  49. I've been waiting for the perfect moment, the most romantic, the one moment I can think back on and say "yes I waited until it was pretty as a picture."

    I never thought if I waited this long I might not get the chance. I'm so sorry for your pain. But know that you have given other people a gift.

    I'm going to see him tonight. And I promise you it's the first thing I'm going to say because I don't want to miss my chance.

    Thank you.

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  50. This makes me cry. so beautiful and sad story. take care <3

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  51. i have little words to tell you that your story is mine, but he was part of my family. i knew he was dyeing i just blocked it out refused to acknowledge the facts that silently killed me every second. the thing is there were road signs for me, they all told me the same thing that he was going to die within months and still i never had the guts to tell him how much i love him and how much he meant to me -that guilt and regret kills me every second.
    So Peter... i love you and miss you more than anything in the world.

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  52. It felt like you wrote it to me. Like a kick in my ass, saying: Go for it, tell your boy-friend that you have fallen for him.

    Will do, the next time I see him. I better hope he feels the same way...

    God, why is something as easy as love so difficult some times?

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  53. This hurt my heart.
    x

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  54. this breaks my heart. i have felt the exact same feeling. have been through the exact same thing. and there is no worse thing than this. it will get better in time, time doesn't heal, but it help you to move on. but until enough time has passed, it's a living hell..

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  55. I really do hope he reads it.
    and.. thank you, I needed to hear that.

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  56. Wow. This story makes me cry. Very touching and well written. And you're so right, you really should tell the person you love before it's to late.

    I hope you're okay.

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  57. ohmy, I couldn't hold back my tears ..

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  58. Such a trajic, beautiful story. Heart warming but also heart wrenching.
    You mustn't blame yourself. And one day you can be together again. I'm sure he is always with you, i'm surt that he understands.

    It's after reading a story like that, that i hop there is a heaven. For people like you and Connor.


    You have your own guardian angle now/

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  59. Wow. I think this is one of those moments when you really stop and think about your life and how fragile it really is.
    The words you wrote here will definitely touch a lot of hearts and make many people realize that life is now, this moment.
    I think you shouldn't blame yourself for not having said it. Loving someone is about actions, moments spent with them and not only saying those three words... I'm sure he knew in his heart how you felt about him.
    We most certainly will never meet, but I hope life gets easier for you from now on and that eventually your heart mends...

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  60. it is the strength of people like you who make the harshness of the world bearable. love causes so much pain, but it is, also, the only thing that cures its own wounds.

    he knows.

    you will heal.

    never lose your faith in love.

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  61. that breaks my heart.
    i hope someday you can be thankful that you had connor while he was alive. and that you will find someone who you can love as much as you love him.
    this makes me thankful for what i have with my boyfriend, and makes me just want to walk across my entire city just to go see him and hug him and tell him i love him.

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  62. This was brave, sincere and wonderful to see in print. It was like you were speaking for so many of us. :)

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  63. This was so, so beautiful and touching. I don't know what else to say.

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  64. wow.

    my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time in what many would consider a very un-romantic way; via email.

    it was, however, directly after reading a book named "thirteen reasons why" by jay asher (which i think a lot of le lovers would like btw), and he said he just couldnt wait because you didnt know what life held you just had to say it and see what happened. that in itself made it one of the most romantic things he has done.

    i wish you had had your chance S, but i'm sure he knew, even if you didnt say it. he would have known.

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  65. your beautifully written words are empowering and heartbreaking at the same time. i wish there were words that could be written that could take away some of that horrendous pain you are feeling. you will smile again. and you will love again. just as connor loved and loves you still.

    thank you for your honesty and bravery in sharing this. the boy i love is leaving in august for the army. i have been convincing myself to tell him that i love him would not be a good idea, that we should just stay the best friends we are. i know now, i can't let him leave without telling him.

    be strong love. all of our hearts go out to you.

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  66. Your letter helped me to say those words I LOVE YOU to the ones that I love! Thank you.. you have a beautiful soul and I am sure all this pain that are going through will reach the light of love.. one fine day!

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  67. so beautiful...

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  68. :*( Wow, this just blew me away.

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  69. Just want to share this with you... Its a poem by
    Vera Brittain. I hope its give you a little comfort...

    Perhaps

    Perhaps someday the sun will shine again
    And I shall see that still the skies are blue,
    And feel once more that I do not live in vain,
    Although bereft of You.

    Perhaps the golden meadows at my feet
    Will make the sunny hours of spring seem gay,
    And I shall find the white May blossom sweet,
    Though You have passed away.

    Perhaps the summer wood will shimmer bright,
    And crimson rose once again be fair,
    And autumn harvest a rich delight,
    Although You are not here.

    Perhaps someday I shall not shrink in pain,
    To see the passing of the dying year,
    And listen to Christmas songs again,
    Although You cannot hear.

    But though Kind Time may many joys renew,
    There is one greatest joy I shall not know
    Again, because my heart for loss of you,
    Was broken, long ago

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  70. This is so beautiful that when i read it my heart stopped...

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  71. I feel speechless... i've never read something that touched me more than this... how only three words can change everything in someone's life... thank you for sharing this story, you're a true inspiration for everyone.

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  72. hi everyone,

    thank you for your sweet words and for letting me know that there are over 80 people out there who i could touch; im young and i never thought id have the power to do that. I have a lot of life to live and a lot of lessons to learn; connor just taught me one that, though hard to learn so soon, will never leave me, ever. i read all of your comments and they made me laugh and cry and smile all at once so thank you, youre the best :)

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  73. how do u know her name is S?

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  74. wow, this left me speechless and teary eyed.
    this story is so touching, words cannot even explain. my boyfriend and i recently broke up and i've always made a point to NEVER end a conversation with him on a bad note, because "you never know what will happen tomorrow". after reading this, it struck a weak point within me and I texted him and told him i loved him, regardless of everything that has happened. now i know that i've truly ended on the right note.

    no word of sympathy can fill the empty portion of your heart that is meant for Connor and I know that people saying that they are sorry will not help you out. but everyone gets scared, i love you is a huge step and a huge commitment, especially if you have been previously hurt. i know that he knew you loved him, and he knows right at this very moment that you love him. he's looking down right now and is so proud of you. you stay strong. you will pull through, you're a beautiful soul and you WILL find your way- we all heal. you'll be with him someday, and when you are.. it will be beautiful but for now- he is FOREVER in your heart.

    all of the best. xx

    www.heart-intheclouds.blogspot.com

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  75. we know her name starts with s because one person posted who knows her and referred to her as "s"

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  76. :( ohhh god. this is my favorite story ive read on here. i can barely see through my tears. for you i will repost to my blog and show this to my friends everyone else should do the same--spread this beautiful story and beautiful message.

    im so sorry girl, were all rooting for you.

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  77. i have goosebumps. i am very sorry, and i know that will not make things better.
    Please keep your head up high, even when you feel like shit. Remember that you have a life to live. Cry as much as you want, but remember that you will encounter the day when you experience closure. He will be watching you and guiding you in heaven. please have no regrets because those regrets will only stab you in the back and slowly kill you.
    I'll be praying for you <3

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  78. still thinking and praying for you sweetheart <3 write again and let us know how youre doing someday--i know id like to hear it would anyone else?

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  79. all my love going out to you. this is so beautiful. it is stories like this that keep me checking this site every day.

    he knows. stay strong.

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  80. i very rarely comment these blogs, but this one made me cry. i feel like it is happening to me; like i am you. i can only imagine what its like. i can tell by the blog you arent ok, but i do hope you are getting by. and i promise one day it will be easier, you wont forget, it wont stop hurting.. but it will be easier. good luck. i wish you all the best; genuinely ♥

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  81. Inspiring and heartbreaking, this is probably the best piece of writing I've encountered on Le Love.

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. Air-kisses and lots of love your way. You will feel better. You'll wake up in the morning and get through your days and eventually even love again. I promise.

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  82. I feel like crying.. I wish i have the courage to tell 'someone' how much i care bout him..

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  83. to Schalfyzcha:

    did this girl's story not give you some courage? because it made me realize that love is beautiful and life is beautiful but life can end even when love does not and then what do you do? where do you go? somewhere inside you, if you really feel it, find the courage to tell him.


    to S:

    you are a beautiful writer with a beautiful soul. i cant even speak after reading it. i am so sorry for your unthinkable loss, all my love to you xx

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  84. This made me cry. So incredibly sad, i ache for you.

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  85. I'm just crying so much over this.
    You are so right about everything you've said. Thank you, for taking the time to share this with all of us and for teaching us to be brave in love. I really am going to think of this story when I start to get shy and loose my courage.

    He knew. I just know he knew you love him.

    I wish you love and peace and happiness.
    Thank You. You made a difference in my life.
    <3

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  86. Death is not the end of everything, I am sure that he is watching over you right now and smiling.

    don't feel sorry that you weren't able to say those three little words because as the saying goes, actions speak LOUDER than words so I am sure that he felt that you did and you still do. Sometimes, you don't need words to express how you feel because it shows. I honestly rather would have someone show me that they love me than say it everyday just for the sake of saying it.

    Thank you for sharing this. Stay strong.

    XOXO

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  87. you are such a beautiful person. and every little piece of my heart goes out to you right now. it is time for me to make a phone call. thank you for your courage and for your strength. you are in my prayers.

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  88. don't stress it out that much for he KNEW. count your blessings...I stumbled upon a quote too blessed to be stressed or something like that. God might have taken over but at least you get to be a part of him and that's a blessing.

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  89. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. Thank you for sharing!

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  90. Im in the same situation, a few stages before though. Thanks for telling me, i wont hold back next time when i get the chance.

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  91. oh connor,

    promise you'll never forget me. promise you'll never forget me. promise you'll never forget me because if i thought you would i'd never let you go.

    i can't do this without you. rest in peace con, until we meet again. i love you.

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  92. i feel stupid now, for writing to you here but i already wrote to you in that diary the therapist gave me but i know that diary is bs and i dont even know why i have a therapist and i dont know anything especially why youre not here, and every time i hear that song on the radio, the one about calling airplanes shooting stars, i cry because i remember how you used to call airplanes at night "ghetto stars" and it made me smile and after that every time i saw an airplane it was like seeing a shooting star, but better, because it reminded me of you.

    i thought it would be easier by now but its been three weeks and i still cant breathe and i still cant stop shaking and i still need to wrap myself up in blankets because if i dont i feel like ill shatter into a billion little pieces all over the floor.

    im sorry for being so weak, i was strong for the first week and you would have been proud of me but now im weak and you would not be very proud. i love you.

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  93. This made my eyes fill with tears, truly.

    The last bit is so starkly sad, I had no clue it would end that way. Here I was thinking it was just a breakup.

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  94. Aoch! This one made me cry inside. :((

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  95. This reduced me to tears, so real and very beautiful writing.

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  96. I read this & it helped to know that somebody else has done the same thing and misses their boy that they let go as much as i do.

    It helps that someone else stares at a photo of lost love and talks to them at the cemetery knowing that they will never get an answer, never being able to apologize properly for being scared and thinking other things were more important than loving someone so much that your heart feels full when they smile.

    But I now know that it wouldnt be possible for him not to have seen in my face everytime he was in the room that I loved him entirely, i guarantee he saw it each time i looked at him before he flew away.

    Its been 2 years and one month and I promise you will make peace with it. you will always know how you felt about each other. love is seperate and different each time and it cant just go, it just gets put in a box somewhere in your room so that you dont have to carry it around everywhere, you can keep that bit of love you had just for each other.

    Im not going to feel bad for being scared anymore, because love is scary and brutal and mean, i'm just going to be happy to know that i am strong enough for it.

    & im sure you are too.

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  97. it broke my heart and i'm still in tears, i can't imagine what i would do in that situation. actually there isn't anything to do. be strong, that's all i got to say.

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  98. i just cried my eyes out. this was heartbreaking

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  99. ohh god. my heart aches for you. and reading the comments you posted above...oh my god. i just keep picturing the pain you must be in...but you are a beautiful person you will make it through. xx

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  100. I hope you find freedom from guilt in the knowledge that we're all human, you can never blame yourself! this is beautiful and brave! thanks for sharing.

    http://mymomentsmuse.blogspot.com/

    check out my blog if you have time! my writing is under the "playing with words tab"

    xo

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  101. This made me cry.
    You write so beautifully.
    But I am so sorry.

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  102. this left me in tears.
    i feel so sad for you.
    i honestly hope one day, you'll find someone. and i'm sure you will. one day.
    you're an incredible writer, and this piece touched me so unbelievably.

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  103. I left already some comments.. I do really hope that you are writing all of our supporting comments and that you are doing better.. my love!

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  104. i am so sad for you
    there are over 100 people here with their hearts full of love for you

    stay strong, stay beautiful, there is a special place in heaven for you and connor and someday, you will meet there again.

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  105. This is the most beautiful thing that I could have possibly hoped to stumble upon. Thank you.

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  106. oh my god...he would have been at prom with you...you must be so young this breaks my heart because even though you are young it seems like this love was really real...you are such a wonderful writer at such a young age...wow i am so sorry i hope you are doing a little better. im praying for you :(

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  107. Thank you. I had an epiphany. God bless, love.Be strong, we here are rooting for you.

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  108. This is one of the most heartbreaking and beautiful things I have ever read. I promise I will take your advice to heart.

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  109. This is just heart breaking! I have been through this. I couldn't tell him because I didn't want to lose the friend in him.
    I will always regret it. Because he is married to someone else now. I know life goes on but still I had to say something because after I read this post.. I felt like I was reliving the last 10 years of my life.

    It is beautifully written!

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  110. hi connor,

    i went to your house again today. i sat with your mom for a while. she's not doing so good without you, connor, but your brother's the best and he's doing the cooking and stuff and all the neighbors are helping out as best they can. your dad's decided that he's gonna build a car from scratch so he works on that all the time. i don't think he can do much else. i sat in your room for a long time and i hugged your dog and i found that picture of myself that you took from my room because you liked it, the one that i drew a heart on the back of. it was in the drawer of the table by your bed.

    im going to school again but its embarrassing because i walk around and all i see is the pity in peoples eyes. i look awful, my hairs always in some gross bun and my eyes are so puffy i look like i have some kind of disease, haha you would laugh at me.

    i drove up to the mountains with colin and tyler the other day, but this time they didnt try to pull some crazy car maneuvers to freak me out. theyre both being so nice to me. i fell asleep with my head on tyler's lap and when i woke up he was crying so quietly so i pretended to still be asleep until we got back to your house.

    its moments like these that are the hardest. im home, alone, lying in bed, shivering and smelling the sleeve of your hoodie haha there's no way this is healthy. to be honest, con, i thought it might be easier by now, but i dont think its ever gonna get that much easier.

    i hope youre okay, wherever you are. i hope you know i love you.

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  111. wow... this almost made me cry... it`s so sad.. and beautiful.. and.. i`m sorry, i know how must hurt.. hope you`ll be okay.. :(

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  112. I cried so much.

    Everything will be okay. But THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for sharing this.

    I'm going to tell him how I feel about us.

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  113. connor please come back to me i love you too much for you to be gone how can this be happening to me

    you're the light at the end of the tunnel the break of the day
    after the darkest night chasing all the evil away
    you're my flowers and sunshine cherries and red wine
    diamonds they can't find shining through hard times
    you're the angel on earth the proof there's a god
    the reason to keep on going you're my light in the dark
    the first star in the sky and the last to leave
    and when I'm travelin' through the night I feel your light on me


    RIP Connor, 1992-2010
    this was supposed to be our year. i love you never forget that. ill see you someday soon, please wait for me and take care of yourself, wherever you are.

    and if you were with me tonight,
    i'd sing to you just one more time.
    a song for a heart so big,
    god wouldn't let it live.

    i hope youre okay love

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  114. this made me tell my boyfriend, W, that I love him, before it got too late
    thank you for making me realise that, you have changed my life for the better
    H.

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  116. you write so beautifully.. i can't get this out my head. i could never say it, i had to write it.. but now i know he knows.. thank you x

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  117. i love you connor, i miss you, the stars don't shine as bright for me without you here. please help me be okay someday.

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  118. I'm not afraid anymore. Thank you. I hope you got you're second chance, because - despite the hurt - you really deserve it.

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  119. I hope you find peace.
    Because without it, you won't be able to move on.

    Good luck :)

    And u can keep lamenting urself nd spread the blame 'till the cows come home- it won't do any good. So just what happened to be fate and move on- Connor would not want you to stay stuck in the past.

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  120. sometimes i can feel you here with me, connor. sometimes im out in public and i see couples together and i can feel your hand in mine and see that little smile of yours, the one you gave me when i did something cute or funny, the one that said i love you without saying anything at all.

    and sometimes, i feel nothing. nothing but an empty space where you should be.

    but the part that scares me is that i used to feel you all the time, but now, more and more, i feel nothing.

    what will i do when i never feel you anymore? will i just be an empty shell, a body full of nothing?

    oh god connor, pleasee come back. its still not getting any easier. I love you.

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  121. sometimes i can feel you here with me, connor. sometimes im out in public and i see couples together and i can feel your hand in mine and see that little smile of yours, the one you gave me when i did something cute or funny, the one that said i love you without saying anything at all.

    and sometimes, i feel nothing. nothing but an empty space where you should be.

    but the part that scares me is that i used to feel you all the time, but now, more and more, i feel nothing.

    what will i do when i never feel you anymore? will i just be an empty shell, a body full of nothing?

    oh god connor, pleasee come back. its still not getting any easier. I love you.

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  122. damnnn itttt connor, im drunk becayse thats all i can be anyore without you. without you, thats all i can be im drunk all the time wirhouth you becasue i cant be anything else because otherwise its hurts toooo fucking much how could you do his to me ho coud you just leve when we werent even close to being done we werent even started i willl never ever ever ever in my life forget you or move on from you or heal from you i dont know how i could connor i love you too damn much and i hate you for it because you will jusr hurt metime and again and i have to relaize youre not coming back YOURE DEAD and mi just fdrunk and i need to stop and find someone else, but i cant, i cant i cant iic ccanntttt youre the only perspn i can be with and youre fucking dead how rhe fuck could this happed to me im so fucing angry im so mad at you youre such an asshole for doing this to me how the fuck could you just die like that couldnt you havr waited 3 more fucking minutes to leave your house then you would still be her what the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK pllllleaasssee connor PLEASSE PLEEASEE come back i cant do thi anymore im literally gonna die please pleadse plea.ee......

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  123. I can only imagine the vastness of your pain.
    And yes...it may be true that if you had said I love you that day he would have been at the prom with you....but you will never know that for sure...
    My biggest request from you (if I may) is do not allow yourself to blame yourself for what happened.
    You are not to blame. If you loved him he knew that already. You do not have to say "I love you". You feel it. Deep in his heart he felt it.
    You only have one life and you must learn how to live and love from this experience and move on.
    Do it.
    xxxxxxx

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  124. I’ve never left a comment on this blog before, i’ve been reading it for just over a year now. i just wanted to say that it’s January 6, 2011 now and I still come back to this post when I am confused about things or just need to reflect. It’s touched my heart and is truly a beautiful piece, I admire your strength and passion tremendously. My point im getting to is just too tell you thank you for sharing your story, its helped me with so many things you can’t even imagine.

    all my love, i wish you all the best<3.

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