Monday, May 10, 2010

that boy, he's hope.


colorinmylife

No one has ever hurt me like you have. Ever. And i hope no one ever does again. But they say your first love is the hardest to get over. You were such a terrible boy for me but i clung onto you with such a tight grip, begging, and pleading, and breaking myself and my dignity down every time i tearfully sat in front of you, on your bed, kissing your face repeatedly and asking you just to stay, to give us another chance, to just try. But you never did. You looked at me with such pity and out of guilt you would agree to stick around when you knew you shouldn't have. You were cold and heartless, but i learned that the first time you left me. However, when you came back after a long, lonely summer to yourself, i erased all of the memories and reminders of how awful you had been only to replace them with the hope that you were different, that you would be different, and that you would love me differently. What's that saying? How could I forget? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Well you fooled me all right. You put on your beautifully deceitful mask and lured me back in to fill your emptiness, to take the place of everything you couldn't have when i was gone, and to make yourself better. You were always such a selfish asshole. I hope you grow out of that one day.

And so, naive and hopeful, i placed my hand in yours but more importantly, my newfound trust and my healing heart, right in the palm of your dirty hands. History repeated itself and i ended up your fool. I hate myself for that and if i could go back in time, i'd go right to the day where i received that text message from you. I remember exactly where i was. I was standing in front of my mirror, in my bedroom, putting my hair up, getting ready to go out when my phone vibrated against the dresser. Casually i glanced down expecting it to be my best friend, but your seven digit number appeared on my screen. It no longer had your name with the little heart next to it, it was just a plain old number since i deleted you from my phone, from existance. I would go right to that moment and instead of stopping my world and my progress for you, i would ignore it and continue on with my life. But what happened, happened and there is no use dwelling on it. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Some people look at that as a cop out, as the easy way to feel sorry for yourself, but life teaches you lessons. And this was one of mine, i suppose. A painful, devestating lesson.

When you left the second time around, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was broken, hopeless, hurt, cold, scared, depressed...i just wanted you back. I would spend my days just sitting in my room, thoughts running through my mind like a busy highway. I would just cry, and cry, and cry. And just when time had passed and i was finally getting better, something would set me off and i'd scramble for my phone and pour my heart out hoping you'd read my text and something in your stupid brain would click and you'd want me again. And then i would move on again, and then i would relapse and sleep with you. And then i would get hurt and move on again, and then something would set me off two months later and i'd be back to texting you. I was pathetic, i'll be the first to admit it. But a broken heart makes you do unthinkable things. It makes you crazy. For the longest time, i just felt broken. That's the only way to describe it. I wanted to give up on my life, on my heart, on love, on men. I would sleep with guys, lead them on, play with their heads...just to get back in some way, even if it wasn't directly to you. I wanted to be heartless. I truly felt like i would never feel for another man the way i felt for you, so why even bother trying? I felt like a zombie. Actually, i just felt nothing at all. You were moving on with your life. You were now a stranger. You were happy without me. And time just slowed down for me.

It's been five months since you left me. It's been a month and a half since my last relapse over you. I'm finally getting the cue to move on. My heart is finally getting tired of beating in hopes that you'll come back. My mind is finally tired of replaying memories and haunting me with dreams. My fingers are finally tired of typing out your phone number. My lips are finally tired of craving yours. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, time is crawling on, but even crawling is moving forward.

And now, now there is him. I just met him in the past week, through a friend, but he's the kind of boy that gives me hope. He's not just a guy who wants me for sex, or he has yet to show that anyway. He's kind and cute and funny and he's everything i look for in a guy. I don't know what it is, but he makes me feel like i'm in fourth grade with the biggest crush. My heart actually feels happy again and he makes me smile. I'm not in love with him, not even close. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we'll talk for another week, or months, or years. I don't know if we'll end up together in the future or if it's just a crush. I have no idea whatsoever. But this is what i do know. You're not on my mind nearly as much. I don't get that empty feeling when i think of you. I don't miss you all that much. The sad places that remind me of you, are slowly just becoming places. Your flaws are standing out more than your good traits. And i feel. I feel again. I feel like maybe, just maybe, i could love someone more than you. I'm not scared to live anymore, i'm not so scared to love.

That new boy, i don't know what will happen with us. I don't need to know right now though, because the fact that i'm feeling at all is beautiful for me. I don't need any sort of elaborate love story to save me, i just need hope.

And that boy, he's hope.

- K

58 comments:

  1. first comment! yay!

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  3. beautiful, absolutely beautiful

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  4. It's interesting, the depth heartache forces us to evaluate with. Very honest.

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  5. good for you :)
    here's to hope!

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  6. I hope for that hope one day soon.

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  7. This is completely synonymous to my past that I thought I was the person writing this. lol. My ex boyfriend and I dated for over four years. "Our" friends all say that I was a fool for sticking up with him. They were right, but I was too blind. I saw the signs but I wanted to lie to myself. I kept ignoring them hoping and wishing one day he'll change. When I left to be with my family, a few months was how long it took for me to heal and realize that I've been with an insane asshole. A year after, I met a wonderful man. He is everything I ever wanted, so much that I can't believe he's real. And I could not believe I allowed my ex to play me around for that long. But I am very thankful that I finally found the person who makes me feel special more than anything. Just give it a chance.

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  8. the boy that brought me hope turned out to be my future i hope yours does too. As for my first love, well I'm finally leaving him in my past. Hes just a watermark on my heart now.

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  9. story of my life too,
    this gives mee hopeee <3

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  10. actually crying.

    im in that scary place of no hope.

    happy that youve found it!

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  11. I've been there, in your exact spot and after having one of those relapses a new boy just crashed into my life, and just as that He was gone. All regret and washed out promises of love was just gone.

    Now I'm with this new guy who I am very in love with. At first I thought that he'd be this replacement-boyfriend, but I realised that I'd been single for so long and the "feelings" I'd have for the old one was simple memories of them, not genuine feelings.

    Maybe my way of getting over Him wasn't the best, but it worked for me. Hope you'll find your own way out of it :)

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  12. you wrote the story that many of us have been through
    have hopes like how we have with our new love now
    cheers to u!cheers to the courage to love agn.

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  13. that's the current status am in ..

    ..
    i hate it !

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  14. This is the story of many lives you have been telling, the story of trial and error, of growing relationships, of growing during a relationship, of temporarily convergence and later divergence. As long as there will be boys, there will be hope, I guess - even if nothing lasts forever.

    http://davidikus.blogspot.com/

    PS. Great picture - is this Rome? did you take it?

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  15. I've been through this too. Well I've had my heartbroken for the first time 2 months ago, and I fear the day that he will come running back to me. Because I'll probably repeat the same mistake all over again.

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  16. I really love your story.. I can imagine how you feel.. I am glad that you can see hope in the eyes of this guy!

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  17. actually crying too,
    beautiful story,
    thank you.

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  18. thank you for this. i find myself in a dark place right now, where at the same time i want to hurt him so that he'll know what it feels like for me, but at the same time i want him back. so badly.
    and it's excruciating.

    but this gave me hope. and that's exactly what i need.
    so thank you. again.

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  19. Oh my god.
    K- I think I know who you are and if it's you I'm sure you'll recognize my name and realize that you have helped me out so so so much.
    Your story is almost identicle to mine, you basically reiterated the words that have built up in my mind and in my heart over the years. As I read this, I just sat here and cried because your story, it gave me hope and it gave me comfort in knowing that there really are other people out there.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story- be strong and never give up hope... because if you have hope, then you have everything.

    Never give up girl.
    Love,

    Hayley
    heart-intheclouds.blogspot.com

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  20. Oh maaaan.... It hurts so much inside me to read this. I feel a similiar feeling. How it hurts right now. Damn.

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  21. Hi everyone,

    i met my hope recently actually. Took my love drunk mind off this lousy boy whom i was in a relationship for nearly 4 years.

    i know its insane because i met this new boy on icq. And he's so lovely. He's all that, cute smart funny and so kinddd. Ive been talking to him for almost 2 years now. Started off as strangers who enjoyed each other's company; and in the past few months, we started to talk to each other way way more intensively.

    He makes me happy. For the first time in a long time, i actually feel happy with him. He's like my happy pill.

    Only issue is, hes 3 years younger than me and we live half a world apart. We are sweet to each other, we wait up for each other to chat/skype, drop msges regularly on facebook etc. He said 'do you remember' by jack johnson reminds him of a song of me. But we've never outrightly told each other we like each other. On my part i can never do that, i dont want to risk losing this whole thing by sharing my own feelings for him which will likely lead no where anyway. Losing this because by saying everything out, it would create an unrealistic expectation of the whole thing. And that wouldnt be fair in any sense.


    It's so odd right. I wish i knew what to do, but i guess i should just forget about it being anything...

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  22. gorgeous gorgeous blog! love the way you write about such a fragile and deep feeling!
    well done!
    take care,
    Rosa

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  23. 'guess i see what i wanna see'.. hope lasts and is there torturing you even when you know deep inside that is dead. hope has been very evil to me. i hoped, even tonight i was hoping that something would flourish but no. i have been betrayed again all over. i am tired. exhausted and cannot cry anymore.
    i can trust none of them. they get what they want from you and throw you in the bin, no remorse.

    wish all this was a bad dream and i could wake up living my own story.

    this time hope has died for me.

    they always go. and am always left alone.. as if i wasn't already. how can i possibly get used to that? i guess i just have to.

    goodnight.

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  24. Oh my GAWDDDD.
    Soooo cute.
    Adorable.
    Explains a million girls' feelings.

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  25. This will sound harsh but the fact that you felt the need to write this to him shows you aren't even close to being over him. It's great to have hope again and I'm happy that sounds like the case, but....I wish you well.

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  26. i suggest you read the content of the blog before putting down someones milestones. the author clearly isn't writing it TO her ex, she's writing about the way he made her feel and how she is moving on.

    beautiful, beautiful piece. so proud of you for moving on...you're on a good road.

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  27. yes, and a lot of the time being able to logically put the way you feel (or felt) into words is a sign that youre getting over it, or at least coming to terms with reality and looking at your situation with some sort of perspective.

    while you are entitled to your opinion, no one comes to this blog for discouragement or criticism, were all just a bunch of people looking for the same thing. so please dont offer negativity when someone says they are finally starting to do what is right for them.

    anyways, this piece is beautiful and its true, whether or not this new boy ends up turning into anything, the sheer fact that you are able to open yourself to something new is a HUGE step in the right direction. congrats girl and i hope ill get there soon too :)

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  28. ..why it is so hard to find some real love?

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  29. "I just need hope" all i needed to hear. Thank you!

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  30. Girl, this is a beautiful story. You are on your journey to such happiness with 'new boy' even if it just a fleeting crush.
    Keep your heart open and love will find you
    x

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  31. one of my favorite posts yet. i love it. very, very much.

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  32. Yo Annie,

    I wasn't "putting down someone's milestones", merely making an observation. What's wrong with honesty? And may I point out she writes it in the second person.

    You as well, Tessa. It wasn't criticism. And 'anyways' isn't a word.

    Ease up,girls! We'll all get there eventually but not if we're standing in our own ways. I wish you all well, but I welcome someone's honesty, even if it hurts, over pandering anyday.

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  33. lol y u mad tho DeeDee
    Wait, how do we know he reads this site?
    Anyway, I just want to say that it takes a lot strength to be able to recognize the truth, especially when it hurts, and to see the situation for how it really is. I'm happy for you and I hope things continue in a positive direction.

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  34. And why are you hiding behind anonymity, Anonymous?

    Who's mad?

    Sigh... .lighten up, people! I fully agree it takes guts for facing the truth and I give this girl all the credit in the world! All I'm saying is that change takes time and just when we think we're there, whoops, we're not quite. That's all! I swear!

    yeesh

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  35. join the club:/
    thanks for posting!

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  36. I saw myself on it..

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  37. I Swear That Made Me Cry 'till I Couldn't Breath , That's Exactly What Happened To Me Month Ago .

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  38. Im in the same situation, my ex cheated on my and i forgave him and he made the same 3 times... until i couldnt forave him anymore...
    i wanted to be with him, but in our relationship i think that i was suffering more than i was enjoying... but i loved him so much... but now.. i have found my HOPE... a new guy that is completely different to him... and i like him so much...
    Good luck with your new guy ;) i loved this post!

    (and sorry for bad grammar, im from mexico ahha)

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  39. I cried; that was amazing.
    Truly inspirational and I hope everything gets better.

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  40. i'm still heartbroken after 3 years.. its hurts so much..

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  41. People always told me "you will always love him but as time passes you'll think of him less and less". and that may be true for some but when i met him, that someone who gave me a glimpse that there even was a life ahead, i lost almost all of my memory of my ex. It may take time for hearts to heal..but when they do heal, they heal quickkk

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  42. I got out from a terrible relationship about a year ago, and it has affect me in so many ways.. I've learnt...to hate people is the best remedy for heartache, to not forgive easily, not to easily give out second chances, not to believe in love anymore and worst..i have to deal with having trust issues with people. He was, i must say, my biggest mistake...but after reading your posts and other lelove's posts...all that has change. You have determined me that there is hope...mistakes are something we need to learn from even how ugly, annoying, stupid it was and people deserve second chances and OURSELVES deserve to be happy. :)

    so i wanna thank you, thank you for sharing this post with me and other billions LeLove's readers and also Merci LeLove for posting this up.

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  43. It's never about the cries and the lies. It's just love and how you felt when you were in love, nothing else should matter, not that boy, not that fool. Just embrace your feeling of love and how great you felt being in it.

    Thank You for sharing

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  44. he took my friends with him..


    hopehopehope

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  45. oh I love this text.. it exactly tells how I was feeling 2 years ago and I never really found the words for it.

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  46. story of my life as well, glad you're moving on and believing in hope :)

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  47. I think most girls can relate to this feeling. Every part of this story touched my heart. Although i am not yet at the point where I can say im truely over him, im getting there. No one will know how bad heartbreak hurts until they experience it first hand. I refuse to lose hope. I know i will find my soulmate when the time is right. Until then i can't be afraid to spend time on my own. After all this time putting him first i realize i come first, and that everything will work out in the end. Right now hope is all i need.

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  48. lets not mope, lets hope instead.

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  49. This is beautiful and i am glad to hear that you found your'hope' but it doesnt seem as though you are over HIM. i mean you are addressing the letter to him as though to confront him for what he made you feel. I mean i get it we have all loved someone so much and when it falls apart you feeel like crap.

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  50. whilse reading that, I cried the whole time. From the very first sentence. I felt as if I was writing that.... that story is my story. and I'm sure it's also a lot of other girls stories. it was beautiful....

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  51. This. This has summed up in utter accuracy what I have been through in the past nine months. That boy and then this one. That brokenness, and this hope.

    That boy made me stronger, though, by breaking me. And it's made me ready for a fuller, more mature maybe-relationship; where I am myself more than I ever was with that boy.

    By the way you write I think you're stronger, too, from what has happened. Make sure you find yourself and place your hope in that, though, before you place all your hope in another.

    <3

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  52. I think you've inspired a few girls out there to look into their situations and identify who they are, for the better.
    We all have doubts & insecurities, and most times afraid to admit we do ourselves harm, if not physically, then mentally.
    Thank you for portraying the fears most of us have had, and the difficult situation most of us have been through with your honesty of self-reflection.
    We all need to take a step back once in a while to figure out who we are and where we are at in our lives, even if we are afraid to admit it to ourselves, the first person to be honest with, is yourself.
    xo xo xo

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  53. That was so beautiful.. I've been through almost the exact same thing.. And I know your pain.. And the beauty of feeling again.. I'm living through silent emptiness because until I feel again, that's all i know.
    I'm so so happy for you and I hope this boy is what your heart's been waiting for <3

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  54. I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at www.saveabreakup.com I totally recommend this site, saveabreakup.com helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...

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  55. This is so beautiful. Alot of people have been through the exact same thing. And each would see their own story in yours. I think this gives people hope, that arnt quite at the stage of finding it yet. It shows that it is out there, and one day you will find someone you care about more than him. Even if it seems impossible.

    Unfortunantly I am a little hypercritical for saying that. The boy I thought was a clean start for me - didnt last long. I was pushing myself to like him more than I honestly did. He was perfect, for someone else maybe.

    Anyway enough about me, I hope everything turns out for you. And that this boy changes things.
    And you have good analytical and writing skills. I loved this..

    (:

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  56. this is so so beautiful. been there. your words perfectly express how it feels to feel broken, but the recovery of it all is what is also so true. good luck :)

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  57. Hey, there is a great deal of effective info above!

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