you are mine

xanga

I met you. It was a strange sort of way too. I had been working at a supermarket for the summer and it closed down, but the employees were moved to a new store just across the road. For me, it wasn't a life long kind of job, just a typical summer gig, so i almost half considered not even taking up the offer. But i did. It's situations like these that make you recognize fate's existence. I noticed you before any other boy. You were one of the first ones to reach out to me as the new girl. You had the funniest personality i had ever encountered and i looked forward to working those late night midnight shifts with you that we hardly ever got together, but i loved them as long as you kept me company. Your smile was perfect and you had the prettiest green eyes i had ever seen. You were perfect. And while we grew close as friends, you had such a huge wall built up it was near impossible to break it down. And after hearing from so many people that were close to you that you weren't exactly the "relationship kind of guy", i gave up.

I hurt you. I kept you strapped in and stuck on my emotional roller coaster from heartbreak hell. And i hated myself for it. It turned out that you liked me, but you were too late. I had already started something with my ex, so we stayed friends. When my ex and I fell apart, you listened to me cry for hours on the phone and all the horrible stories of my pathetic attempts at trying to understand what went wrong with my past relationship. You were there for me always, and it killed you, i know it did even though you never said a word about it then. You just stood by and tried to pick up the pieces with me. We continued where we left off and i came home for the holidays. It seemed like everything was going good, but my heart still belonged to someone else and as much as i wanted to give it to you, i just couldn't. I was so broken and it just wasn't fair to you. I held onto you because i didn't want to lose you. I had feelings for you, i just wasn't ready to give you all of me, and you were ready to give me all of you. You showed up at my apartment at school, three hours away, on Valentines Day like some perfect movie boy because after all, this stuff only happens in movies, right? Your type of guy isn't real, and certainly wasn't what i was used to. And in that moment, i knew i couldn't hurt you anymore. I had to let you go, for your own happiness.

I missed you. In between the months that we didn't talk, i met other guys, and even though they may have filled the empty void in my bed for the night, they didn't fill what i knew was missing. No one else was like you. No one made me laugh like you did, no one could get as close to me as you did, no one had a smile as pretty as yours, or a heart as big as yours. Nothing came close. I missed you- so, so much. I'd see other girls write on your wall on facebook and i'd wonder if you still cared about me or if you were moving on- if you had found someone else. I knew that letting you go was the right thing to do, but it hurt so bad. I knew keeping you around until i was ready would have been so unfair, but i wanted you, one day. So the summer i came home from school, i started talking to you again, like nothing happened hoping that something would. We hung out again and you let me back into your life. I texted you one night and brought up how i thought i still had feelings for you and you dismissed it, saying you thought we'd be better off just staying friends. That hurt so bad and it scared me, but still, i hurt you, so i had to respect that. We kept it simple in between and did our own thing, until we hung out that night. Twenty-one years old and we both sat on a bench in a playground, just talking about everything. And that's when you gave in and we both agreed to be together but not really together, and just see how things went. I finally felt like i had you back, even if it was for a little.

I loved you. It was different this time around. We spent every single day together and i never got sick of you, i only wanted more. We went out, we took little roadtrips, we held hands, we stayed in, we fought, we kissed, we forgave, we stayed up late, we talked, we cried, we laughed, we yelled, we met new people, and everything in between. And in that time, i fell in love with you. I fell so crazy, ridiculously in love with you. That's when i knew, i couldn't let you go again. I had to keep you.

I have you. Not always, not as much as i want to, but you're mine. I'm three hours away from you at school, and you're three hours away from me back home, and the distance keeps us apart but there's not a second during the day that slips by without you being on my mind. And even now, as i sit on my bed, in a t shirt that still smells like you from our hug goodbye this morning, typing this story, when i should be doing my homework- i'm thinking of you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You showed me something new and something beautiful. I never thought i would ever feel this way about someone again, i figured i'd just always settle. But you proved everything i've ever thought, wrong. I miss you so much when you aren't with me, but i live for the weekends that i know i'll get to see you. I hate seeing other couples on campus, holding hands and doing everything that they probably take for granted together, but i'd rather go crazy over distance with you than have it easy with anyone else. I hate myself for our past and what i put you through, but i don't think i'd love you as much if we didn't go through what we did. You really are my best friend, above all, and i fall more in love with you every time i pick up the phone and you're on the other end, or when you pop up in my little skype box, and most of all when you get out of your car and i stop missing you because you're finally right in front of me. I'm not going anywhere and i'll never let you go again. Distance is hard, but we've been through worse. I hope this is it, because i honestly can't ever see myself finding someone better for me. You are mine.

- K.

real

ffffound

don’t let go of me now

weheartit

Love is something I’ve been cautious of. You know this, because you were there when he broke my heart. It had been coming for a while, but that night my world shattered. You saved me. I lost myself in you quickly, you were everything I needed. You never pressured me, and you kissed me in ways he hadn’t in months. You knew where I was coming from, because you had done it to her.

Love is not something I was looking for. I just needed an escape, but falling asleep in your arms night after night and your perfect smile caught me off-guard. We were never too serious, but we were each others. We needed each other to mend. And so we did.

It has been almost a year and a half since I could spend my every day with you. You left, and I went to discover the world. Somehow, we never stopped being each other’s. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love.

Now, we hang in limbo. The way I need you never seems to fade, but yours comes and goes like the wind. You tell me you love me, and then you fight with your heart and try to keep yourself away. Of course it isn’t easy, but we’ve always made it work. We’re both hanging on for the time in our lives where we end up in the same place. We both know it’s going to be worth it.

So whatever you do, just don’t let go of me now.

your last

unknown

it has always been long distance

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I am thinking of going back home. Back home across the sea to where I’ve lived for the past eighteen years. Sweden.

I’m in London right now. I got into a university in London and I had dreamt about going for almost six months. Harry Potter. Brick Lane. Finding a cute boy with a cute accent and falling in love with him.

Only I fell in love back home. Two months before I left, I met a boy and I fell in love with him. You know how they say that when you know, you know? It feels like I know. I know it’s silly to say because I’m so young, but I want to marry him and grow old with him with all of my heart. He wants it too, he has told me on bended knee that he wants to spend his life with me.

It has always been long distance. 200 miles, a bit more. Four hours by train every other weekend. But I could handle that. 12 days between each time. It was hard and awful, but I knew that we could do it.

But this is like tearing a little bit of me apart every second. Another country, no possibility to see each other more than maybe once a month. He can’t afford it and I can just scrape by.
He’s moving here with me next year. It was decided before we had even dated a month. We’ll be in London together and finish school and then who knows.

I miss him so much it hurts me. I want to go back home, interrupt my studies, return next year with him and do it right. Take a course or two at university back home for the spring semester and plan it out properly so we can see each other more often.

I want to choose love because he’s my world. Because he’s the best person I’ve ever met.
I know he’s worth it. If ever there was a person who was, he would be it.

I’ve applied to this school, gone through all the mess, been through all the motions to do this and I’ve spent a lot of money to be here. But it just doesn’t feel worth it anymore, and I don’t know what to do.

- kajsa

just like heaven

poor little rich chick

prisoner of the moment

camourets

“This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know upfront, this is not a love story.” - 500 Days of Summer

It’s true. My story is not a love story. But this represents what I yearn more than ever to be, “a prisoner of the moment.”

I met boy less than two months ago. And it only took me one to fall in love with him. He was handsome, adventurous, intelligent, and could throw sarcastic remarks back as quickly as I could dish them. I wanted to spend all of my time with him. Just thinking about him made my face burst into a smile. He was exciting, and I couldn’t get enough.

But after only three weeks, it ended. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and I would forever not be her. It burned at first. I cried. A lot. I thought about all the things we had done together and all the future plans that would never be.

But as quickly as I had fallen for him, I had bounced back. Three weeks of love meant our relationship was only a glitch in time. But it fit perfectly. I wish to be someone that goes whole-heartedly for what I want, disregarding the consequences. And in this situation, this is exactly what I had done. I had many warnings from friends, telling me I was setting myself up to get hurt. Which I did. But, without that risk, I never would have been able to feel that fire. Three weeks of pure happiness was worth the sadness.

Being a “prisoner of the moment” means that I lead with my wants, and not my rationalities. I go based off instinct, not thinking too far into the future. With boy, I dove in completely and tried to suppress all other thought, the scream telling me to protect myself and back out. I was hurt in the end, but life is too short to care. I can only hope I find this passion again, and that it doesn’t burn out quite so quickly.

-untilikickthebucket

as if it were the last time

weheartit + lovetrains

my feelings won't change

unknown

The message i sent to my lover when he ended things telling me he all of a sudden had no time for or relationship...

There's so much left unsaid that It's got to a point where I'm a mess. I can't keep trying.

I won't lie; I still hope you'll call & probably won't move on properly till you do.
I'm confused that you were just going to leave it though you know what I'm feeling.
Being openly emotional isn't something I do so you know I'm really trying.

We've both had unsuccessful relationships & it kills that you won't give us a chance.
I just wanted to be there for you. No drama, just me & you.
Despite what you have going on I'd support you not stress you. You say your life has a schedule,
I could've worked with that; all I wanted was your time, however much or little.
I need you to know that I would've been different. No lies, control, cheating or games.

Think of the time we spent together. You know we'd have been good for each other.
You made me feel things I'd never felt before then took it away as if it was nothing.
As if I was nothing. No explanation. Imagine how that feels.

I don't know if it's because of what happened or because you truly don't want someone right
now but you will soon enough, we all do, & I'm here. Still wanting you just the way we were.
If you felt everything you said you did you could balance it. But I can't force that.
You have your reasons. I just wish you didn't.

You mean so much to me & you can't tell giving up on us makes you happy.
I meant it when I said I loved you.
We had something. Maybe it's over. Maybe you need time.
Either way my feelings won't change.

-anon

until you found me

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For Mum

orkut

How many times have I betrayed you? There are betrayals in battle that are infinitesimal compared to my betrayals of you.
I pushed off, away, and against. What was not broken, I destroyed. What you did not care to know, I found out.

You let me. Other times you didn’t let me go easily and I would fight. Sometimes I would get so angry I wouldn’t be able to remember what I said. Then I would leave. Sometimes I wouldn’t come back.

One time, I left and got really lost, in more ways than one. I couldn’t get out of bed. I stayed there in the dark for days. Was it the third day that you opened my door and sat down on my bed? I couldn’t get the words out from inside (I’m lost).

I filled the aching void with tears instead. You cried too.

Get up, you said softly, tears running down your cheeks and wetting my hands. This isn’t you. It’s time to get up.

You didn’t open the window, and you closed the door when you left a minute later.
I lay there, in the darkness. All my darkness.

I was lost, too close to that precipice.

I came upstairs a few hours later, still lost. I think you knew that.

That day you came down into my room, I realized that down in my room, the only one who remembered me was you. That was the year I didn’t know my own reflection in a mirror. That was the year only you found what I had lost.

I remember the day the fog lifted. I was back. I was also almost eight thousand miles away, living in an ancient English castle. I had fled there to find myself, and when I did I realized you’d never once lost me. You were just waiting until I found what you’d known all along. Thank you for waiting, for guarding, for keeping.

I quit running to the unknown after that day. The problem with running towards the void is that it’s incredibly likely you’ll get consumed by all of the uncertainty of the unknown.
I realize that now.

It’s your birthday today. I sat down intending to write something that could somehow express just how much I love you. Instead, I ended up overwhelmed by just how much you love me.

This is the first part of what I know.
Love is a species of flame.

And although all the rest of what I do not know cries out to me (and I must go and know it) I need you to understand—you are my North star. My touchstone. The origin from which I run.

Ultimately, I am always journeying back to you.

never settle

weheartit

I love(d) you.

unknown

I love(d) you.

It has been 10 days since we broke up for the second time. It was different this time, we both gave up. I tried to get this relationship back but it's obviously not working.

My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told you're not gonna do anything to save this relationship. And that you're just gonna sit back and let whatever happen, happens. You said, 'If God want us to be together,we will'. But then again, if you love something, you should work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.

You told me I'm a Bitch and I never appreciate. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship. I told myself to give all up on you.

But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on iTunes, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurting too, but it doesn't seem like it.

And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.

You promised me forever. You said you were gonna marry me. You said I was the only you loved. You are my first kiss. You told me I'm a good kisser. You said you'll love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believed everything you said.

And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.

But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.

You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?

You said we could be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.

One day, I'll be happy again. I hope.

everytime i see you

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dearly missed

When I was 9 years old, I finally convinced my parents to get a family dog. We decided to get an English Cocker Spaniel, a gorgeous breed with long, floppy ears, and big, adoring eyes.

We found a breeder, and I had my heart set on getting a black and white puppy. However, there was a certain brown and white puppy that kept following me, nipping my heels gently, wagging his docked tail. He was so incredibly playful from the moment I met him, and I knew that he was the puppy I was going grow up with. It's true, it really is - the dog chooses their owner.

He was the friendliest dog in the world, and loved EVERY visitor that came to our home. He had the biggest heart, which was so appropriate as he was born on Valentines Day, 2001.

Being an only child, he was the one I played my childhood games with. He was a brave Prince, venturing into the forest (which consisted of some tall shrubs in our old house's backyard) to rescue his Beloved (his favourite ball). His favourite game, needless to say, was "Fetch". His tail wagged joyfully every time he saw me, and even more so if I held a leash in my hand.

As I grew older I spent less time with him, but I still loved him just as much. I would try to spend time with him - which was hard, because my mother wouldn't allow him inside the house (although I would occasionally sneak him in) - and we would go for walks to his favourite nearby park. I now believe I could have tried harder to spend more time with him - a little less TV perhaps, and more games of Fetch. I also loved just sitting with him, and once he got over the excitement of playing, he would sometimes rest his head on my knee, and we would soak in the sunshine, the moonlight, the beauty of the day gone by.

One day I came home to find him hiding under a shrub, refusing to move. I was so scared, and after awhile managed to coax him out. It was revealed that he was in intense pain from arthritis in his paw - the first sign of him growing old. I could scarcely believe it - not once had my dog shown a single sign of aging - he had never quite grown up, and was always a puppy to us.

One week ago, I brought him to the front of the house and I noticed he was short of breath. He began making an awful noise, and I thought he was choking, but it turned out he was coughing. We brought him to the vet who said there was nothing wrong, and sent us home. Two days later we brought him back to the vet, and we discovered some horrific news - our beloved dog, my best friend, had a heart that had grown to twice the size it was supposed to be. So beautifully tragic, our dog who had too much love for everyone, was now suffering from the fluid collecting in his lungs from his large, weak heart.

We were told there was nothing we could do for him, except take medication which would not reverse his congenital condition, and would only provide symptomatic relief for his fluid-filled lungs. He could no longer play without wheezing, he would not even run to get his ball when I saw him. Even the medication could not guarantee an extended life - his weak heart could give in at any time.

Throughout the week, he rapidly deteriorated. His coughing became less intermittent and more frequent. I could not go outside without making him overexcited, causing him to wheeze. Even through all his suffering he remained in high spirits, prancing around whenever he saw me, causing yet more suffering. There has never been such an optimistic dog. I made the most excruciating decision of my life - to put my darling best friend to sleep, to put him out of his misery. I could not bear to watch him panting as he tried to eat his dinner, which was usually one of the highlights of his day.

This morning, at approximately 11.20am, my puppy at the tender age of 9 years and 4 months breathed his last breath. I will never forget his last whine as the vet injected him with sleep. He was still warm, and I cried tears of guilt and grief. Should I have fought harder for him? Should I have prolonged his life - and his suffering?

Somehow I think I made the right choice - I let my puppy go whilst he was still in high spirits, and did not let him suffer without reason. He had a life filled with joy and love, and loved greatly. I miss him so much already even though it has only been a few hours - I hear noises and believe for a millisecond that it is my dog, only to be disappointed as the realisation that he is gone sinks in.

There is no better example of unconditional love than my puppy. He had a big heart, both figuratively and literally, and loved everyone with everything he had. I will never, ever, forget him, and he will always be in my heart.

Rest in peace, my beloved Valentine, you are dearly missed.

xoxoxo E.