Monday, October 4, 2010

it has always been long distance


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I am thinking of going back home. Back home across the sea to where I’ve lived for the past eighteen years. Sweden.

I’m in London right now. I got into a university in London and I had dreamt about going for almost six months. Harry Potter. Brick Lane. Finding a cute boy with a cute accent and falling in love with him.

Only I fell in love back home. Two months before I left, I met a boy and I fell in love with him. You know how they say that when you know, you know? It feels like I know. I know it’s silly to say because I’m so young, but I want to marry him and grow old with him with all of my heart. He wants it too, he has told me on bended knee that he wants to spend his life with me.

It has always been long distance. 200 miles, a bit more. Four hours by train every other weekend. But I could handle that. 12 days between each time. It was hard and awful, but I knew that we could do it.

But this is like tearing a little bit of me apart every second. Another country, no possibility to see each other more than maybe once a month. He can’t afford it and I can just scrape by.
He’s moving here with me next year. It was decided before we had even dated a month. We’ll be in London together and finish school and then who knows.

I miss him so much it hurts me. I want to go back home, interrupt my studies, return next year with him and do it right. Take a course or two at university back home for the spring semester and plan it out properly so we can see each other more often.

I want to choose love because he’s my world. Because he’s the best person I’ve ever met.
I know he’s worth it. If ever there was a person who was, he would be it.

I’ve applied to this school, gone through all the mess, been through all the motions to do this and I’ve spent a lot of money to be here. But it just doesn’t feel worth it anymore, and I don’t know what to do.

- kajsa

65 comments:

  1. Follow your heart. It's the only way. I doubt you'll live to regret it, but if you don't, you'll always wonder. But all the same, be reasonable and don't give everything else up for him!

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  2. if it doesn't feel right to study in London now I doubt it ever will...what you have doesn't come around around every day.

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  3. This is so sweet.

    As long as you know your heart and mind.

    Good luck.

    I wouldn't last long in a long distant relationship.

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  4. Finish it. It sounds like you've gone through a lot to get this opportunity, and if he really is the one he will be there for you even after you're done. I know it hurts, but feel with your heart and think with your brain at the same time, even though it's very very hard.

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  5. If he is the one, and it is going to be the lifetime you speak of, then this little amount of time apart will be a mere drop in the ocean.

    It's hard now - god I know because I am in a long distance relationship New Zealand / England - but you have an end goal. A day to look forward to, when he flies into London.

    Don't give up school. Be strong, be amazing, be all those things he admires in you.

    All the best!

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  6. Don't give up school! It may seem hard now to be apart but you said it yourself: you're still young. When you've done what you need to do and meet your academic goals, then there's all the time in the world to face life together as a couple.

    Yes, togetherness is important. But distance will test the strength of your relationship. If you two are sure of each other, then time and distance should not make you afraid. In time, you will thank yourself for finishing school as it will give you the boost you will need for your future career.

    How can I be so sure? I've been in a long distance relationship with my fiance for 2 years now. It's not easy, but we try to do things right and do what we have to do. Soon we will be together, and that's what's important.

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  7. Darling, you said it yourself -- "He’s moving here with me next year... We’ll be in London together and finish school and then who knows..."
    He can be your world -- but don't let him be your whole world. Too easy to burn out. It's a paradox.

    http://psychicesmeralda.com/questions

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  8. i just got out of my long distance relationship less than a week ago. not going to lie, i am sad. but at the end of the day you need to do things for yourself. stay at school. if he's the one, you'll make it.

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  9. My dear, I'm a man and lemme tell you: keep studying. I fell in love with two girls. One in the last year and other in the actual. We lived and studied far from each other in both cases. We thought about change colleges to stay together but that would be very expensive and not so good for other reasons too. So we stayed where we were. And then we breaked. Was difficult at first but there is other people around world to you hangout. And today, we all are happy with our lifes: Stephanie, Nathalia and I. So, calm down, take a deep breath and go do your tests. If he loves you, he will understands you. And if you love yourself you will fight to guarantee your future, your independence from anyone. I think so because that two girls, Nathalia and Stephanie, taught me to think so.

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  10. I was in your position a year ago, and it was a very difficult time, but when I look back at it now, it was worth it. We also only had the possibility to see eachother maximum one time a month, and there was a point where it was two months, but it has made us stronger. Hang in, and you will find out if this is "it". We now live together, and I have never been happier.

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  11. I'm at that crossroads right now, and I keep wondering why I can't choose both. But my boy is lovely and we are both strong enough to wait for each other. So I can have both my dreams.

    All I can say is that choose the one your heart is swayed the most by. There's logic and pragmatism, but it will never spare you the regret of choosing love now even if everything explodes in a beautiful ball of flame afterwards.

    If he is worth it, everything will fall into place.

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  12. all you have to do is follow what your heart says! whatever it takes as long as your happy then go girl!=)

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  13. kajsa, jag vet exakt hur du känner. jag och min pojkvän har levt ifrån varandra i ett år och har tre år kvar av långdistans. ibland är det skit att leva ifrån den man älskar. men vet du, det är värt det varje gång man ses och varje peng man lägger ut för att träffas en eller två gånger i månaden. som min pojkväns mamma sa: ni har träffats i den del av livet då allt förändras. man ska aldrig ångra sina val, för du vill göra det här. då är det bara att infinna sig i situationen och stå ut. jag och min pojkvän känner att vi klarar allt och vi är så starka. inget kan rubba oss. vi är mer kära en någonsin. kämpa på, det är värt det.

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  14. Your blog in general is soo sweet, congrats!
    About this post, pay attention dear, I know you would die for him and go wherever he would go (as the calling song^^) but realise that in fact you are having a wonderful chance spending sometime abroad, a unique experience, so don´t leave all the things you have to go with him, you´ll probably miss wonderful things. Besides, if he is going to go to London next year, you have to be strong enough to handle a distance relationship. Remember love is a compliment to our lives, not the life itself. And if both of you are fated to be together, you will;)

    www.enamodeuse.blogspot.com

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  16. Hi Kajsa (:
    im also swedish but i will write it in english so everyone understands.

    If its real love it will work out between you, i know its hard to be in another country and he in sweden. And it looks like its the real deal. I know you miss him. But if it isn't real love its stupid to move back home, dont move because of him.

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  17. kajsa. jag har samma problem, eller en lightversion kanske. vi båda bor i sverige men ingen av oss har pengar och vi kan aldrig ses. jag går sönder.

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  18. Vänta med London. Jag har bott här i snart 8 månader och jag hoppades väll på samma sak, att träffa nån fin engelsman och bli kär. Men jag avbryter allt det nu, för jag måste hem. Sverige är ett bra land och har du hittat kärlek som är såpass stark; Go for it! Kärlek övervinner allt, och studera kan du alltid göra, men kärlek är svårt att come by. Jag kan bara hoppas att även jag kan finna någon så speciell! x

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  19. Don't follow your heart!
    Don't follow your reason!
    Follow LOVE :)

    (and don't forget to follow my blog ;)

    http://lovers-shore.blogspot.com/

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  20. "what's meant to be always finds a way",
    Lita på magkänslan, då blir det alltid bra tillslut. Kram!

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  21. I've been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now (but we met, and basically fell in love, 3 years ago). Whenever we are apart I hate myself for not going to him, even though I have studies and/or no money. I always think I could just take from my savings. But before you know it - we're together again. We always make it. (And my savings will go for when we start a life together hehe). We've been apart for 9 months the longest, and the longest we've been together in a row is 4 months. The time apart is sooo.. just annoying, because of course you want to be with the one you love. But as I said - we always make it through and when we are together the time apart doesn't feel like it was such a long time anymore. But I say: follow your heart. If you really love him and want to be with him, what reason do you have for not doing it? If you're studying something you've always wanted to study and it was hard getting there, I would say stay in London and study - because you guys will work it out. If it's real love you will still be together next year and you will then be in London together. And I really think long distance strengthens the relationship. I know it will be hard, but it's worth it. The key thing here is if what you're studying is worth staying for, or if it's just something you're studying to be in London. Because now you have somewhere you'd rather be than London (and besides you will both go to London together next year if all goes as planned). So yeah, if you're there because you're studying what you always dreamed of - stay - you will make it through and your relationship will get really strong. If you're there just because of London, but really want to be with him - go to your love, don't waste time. London will still be there for you. Good luck <3

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  22. Long time reader, first time to comment.

    Hang in there. I was in a LDR not too long ago. He is in the USA, I am in Asia. 13 hours, 13,500 kilometers away. We were "together" for 2 years. It's not going to be easy but you can make it work if you are both dedicated to the relationship. I didn't have the happy ending that I have always dreamed of, but I hope with all my hear that you have yours.

    <3

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  23. stanna där du är. låt inte någon kille förstöra din dröm och din framtid. Det kommer alltid dyka upp bättre killar, och om det gör till någon nytta - killarna i sverige är inte så mycket bättre :)

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  24. hi!
    i am swedish as well.
    my boyfriend lives in usa, and i in stockholm. when he first left, i tried to deny that it was hard, i pretended like "oh we're fine, im going to see him in 10 months, that's nothing", even though it felt like my life had ended. luckily, that was in the summer, so it didn't affect my school work. now i'm back in school, and although its nice to be doing stuff to take my mind of him, i still will forever be half without him. and it really takes self discipline not to go and buy that plane ticket and go live with him right now. but i dont. in a year he'll move back here when he's finished school over there and we'll live together, and i wont be messing up my education. 10 months though seemed like forever, so i bought a ticket for next month, finally. i cannot wait to see him. he is the love of my life. he really is.

    what i am trying to say is - you can have both. you have to have both. stick it out. i believe in you!

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  25. Håll ut, tänk på jullov, påsklov, sommarlov... Ni kommer klara det, och som någon annan redan kommenterat; eftersom ni ändå ska spendera resten av era liv tillsammans kommer den här tiden inte spela någon roll. Bara håll ut :)

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  26. I think you should stick it out.
    I know that it's UNBELIEVABLY AGONISING, because you love him so god damned much! But you really do love him, and you really do have the rest of your lives together.
    Love can be painful, but you shouldn't let it stop you from doing something you know you wanted to do.
    You'll be together when you can, and have the rest of your lives ahead of you.
    For now, just stick it out. <3

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  27. Hye....
    Please concentrate on your study first.....

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  28. jag vet precis hur det känns. fast i mitt fall var det lite tvärtom. jag och min pojkvän blev kära i januari för snart fyra år sedan. åtta månader senare åkte han till england för att plugga ett läsår där. jag trodde allt tog slut men egentligen hade det inte börjat. när han kom hem var allt förändrat och vi som tidigare varit osäkra på oss visste vad vi ville. vi har varit ett par sedan dess. ge inte upp, följ dina drömmar, om det här är rätt väntar han på dig. kärleken är tålmodig vet du. svenska styrkekramar!

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  29. hello!
    i really wish you all the best of luck in making a decision that is best for you and him!
    What you have is so special,i think you are lucky.
    here is a link to my blog, ive just started:
    http://questformyromeo.blogspot.com/
    all the best. :)

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  30. Åh. Tack för fint peppande inlägg. Har samma problem bara det att vi båda bor i Sverige med en mer komplicerad situation. Det suger. Det gör så jävla ont varje dag. Ensamheten. Visst jag har vänner. Jag sitter inte hemma hela dagarna. Jobbar, umgås. Men, allt jag tänker på är hur bra vi hade det i somras. Nykära. Visste att även om man inte träffades på hela dagen så skulle han komma och krypa ner med mig på kvällen. Och det första man vaknade av på morgonen var hans närhet.. det kunde man leva på resten av dagen. Han flyttade för att plugga, som jag visste skulle komma men jag förnekade det mer och mer närmare hösten vi kom. Nu ses vi varannan helg. Två helger i månaden kan låta mycket för vissa med distansförhållande. Men 4-6 dagar i månaden är fan inte lätt. Jag vet att alla säger att det stärker förhållandet.. och visst kan det vara så. Jag älskar när man vet att det endast är fyra, tre dagar kvar tills vi ses och att helgen kommer bli bra vad man än gör med honom. Då finns hoppet där. Men när man vet att det ska ta 12 dagar till nästa gång suger det. Ja det suger. Och mer och mer tänker jag. Han verkar ha det bra, han kanske tänker att han klarar sig bra utan mig. När jag inte gör det. Bor kvar i vår lilla hemstad och sitter ensam hemma i lägenheten varje kväll. Vill så gärna flytta dit jag med. Men är lättare sagt än gjort. Jag tvivlar inte på oss. Jag vet hur mycket han tycker om mig. Han vet hur mycket jag tycker om honom. Men, det är inte lätt när det är svårt.

    Och som en skrev så fint.. "jag satt och funderade på den där känslan man känner då ensamheten kryper sig på och man saknar någon bara några sekunder efter man pussats hejdå. Ett andetag senare kom jag på att det var kärlek."

    Lycka till Kajsa! Följ ditt hjärta. Kärlek ska inte alltid vara lätt för då dör den. Kämpar man lika mycket från båda hållen finns den där och lever vidare.

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  31. Va stark. Om ni har kommit såhär långt så kommer ni hålla föralltid. Jag lovar.

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  32. Always choose love. It's always worth it. You only live once ;)

    Wish u the best!

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  33. this is beautiful... but it breaks my heart

    :(

    http://sartorialme.blogspot.com

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  34. This is what my long distance love told me: there will be hard days, weeks, maybe even months. But we are going to work through them because in the long run, what I want is you.

    Hold on. It's hard but like they say...when you know, you know. And there are times when you want to quit but when you think of not having him in your life you know you're just tempted to quit because it's scary and hard. I am going to be doing this for a year, and we will likely only see each other once a month, if that. But we remember what we are, what we could be, and that keeps us holding on. Nothing worth having comes easy.

    S

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  35. Jag tror det är svårt att ge råd i sånna här situationer för allas är olika, även om man har varit med om något liknande. Men det viktigaste nu tror jag är att följa ditt hjärta men inte att glömma bort dina drömmar. Människor är olika och vi fungerar på lite olika sätt så därför tror jag det är viktigt att följa dig själv och inte följa alla andras åsikter och göra saker på ett visst sätt för att "det är så dom ska göras". Skapa era regler och hitta er väg så ska det nog gå bra för er hoppas jag!

    Lycka till!

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  36. Hej Kajsa.

    Det är alltid lätt att säga till någon, lyssna på ditt hjärta, det kommer ordna sig.

    Men det ligger i dina händer. Tänk på för och nackdelar. Tänk på vad som gör dig lycklig.

    Jag hoppas att det ordnar sig för dig, verkligen.

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  37. this is hard, but it sounds like going to study abroad has always been your dream, so live it and wait for him to join. if he's really as good as you think, the wait will be worth it. if you end up growing old together like you believe you would, then this will be something to tell you grandchildren. how your love survived the time and distance. because you know what? it has to survive. if it doesn't, then it's not it. no matter how much you want it to be, no matter how much you believe in it and no matter how much it hurts. but from everything you've written here, it really seems like it will work out between you two. I suggest you be patient. all the best to you!

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  38. If he's worth it - if you two are right for each other, I should say - then you will survive the year. If not, then at least you'll know.

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  39. I'm in a ldr myself: NZ to England. I know its hard. And you feel alone without your other half. But you worked hard to study at the school. I think you should stick it out at the school. You'll feel proud of yourself when you look back from the future. If it is the real thing, it will survive. Plus your boy will be with you soon.

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  40. I was always told, if it's meant to be...it's meant to be. I would finish your studies where you are and see what happens once you are done. I can only imagine how emotionally draining your situation is, but you sound like you have enough strength, courage, and passion to fight through. FInd support within yourself to do what's best for your ultimate well-being. I have the uttermost faith you will decide what's best.

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  41. try both to do somthing for your love .... if not , just wait

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  42. My husband have been apart physically for the majority of the six years we have been together, with a wonderful two year period of living together. We've been apart since last July and are waiting out an immigration application.

    Next year seems so long when you are young, and so long and so short when you are old. Wait it out.

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  43. kajsa! om du läser det här. du är inte ensam, jag bor på irland, har varit här en månad nu, stannar till nästa sommar. min pojkvän sedan snart tre år tillbaka är i australien det här året och reser runt med sin bästa vän. det är det svåraste vi gjort hittills. men jag vet att han är the one. den killen som jag kommer gifta mig med en dag. men man behöver sina äventyr också! det kommer bara göra er starkare, tro mig. have a blast in london och tänk inte för mycket på ditt hjärta i sverige! han är alltid med dig ändå. kram annie

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  44. kajsa, nu får du fan skärpa dig. du har KÄMPAT för att komma in på ett bra universitet och nu vill du ge upp det? för en pojke?

    lyssna på mig om det är meningen att ni skall vara tillsammans så kommer det att bli så. är det inte meningen, så hittar du någon annan pojke.

    tro mig.

    jag hoppas det går bra för dig och att du blir glad, men lova mig att du inte lämnar london för en pojke.

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  45. this is so so so similar to my situation with my boyfriend! we've always been long distance and now i've moved across the country to study at a grad school i always dreamed of getting into, but i miss him like crazy. we will only be able to see each other once a month and its going to suck but we have to push through.

    he's going to move here next year but I understand what you mean when you say you miss him and that sometimes it seems more right to scrap all your plans, go home and be with him.. but i know that i can't do that, i'll always regret it and be disappointed in myself and he would be disappointed in me.

    i know he is the man i am going to marry and the man that i will have children with and love forever. as he told me, we have our whole lives to be together and i can't wait.

    so my advice, if you will take it: just push through, keep busy and the year will go by quickly and then soon you'll be together. love always comes first, but love can conquer all.. even distance, even lonliness, even pain.

    i just had to comment because our situations were so oddly similar!

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  46. Yes i feel that you should be rational in this.

    Love is important but if it cant even survive this bit of distance, what is love then? I have friends whose lovers are in london, US, europe, and guess where they themselves are? Singapore. Its half the world away. They can see each other once only in half a year. but they lasted.

    I believe you can too. Love conquers all. be patient.

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  47. I am so glad I read this, this morning. I am in a LDR also, he lives in UK and I in Toronto and he has 3 more years of med school. It isn't easy at all but you have to stay strong in your situations, to echo what everyone said, you must still maintain your identity. The only it will work is if you put yourself first and work on yourself. It will only make your love stronger.

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  48. Always choose love. You will always regret what could have been. If you're not happy, please choose to be.
    For once, take a chance and to hell with it, life changes constantly. Go with it.

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  49. I got the same problem.
    My baby lives in Gothenburg and I live in Stockholm. Even though we live in the same country the 50 miles between us feels like a eternity.

    We're just in the beginning of our relationship, but somehow I also know that we will be together forever and hi is the one that I will end up marrying someday.
    You know the expression
    "Someday someone will walk into your life to make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."
    That is how I feel. I never thought that I could fall in love until I met him.

    I also think about moving to him, finishing this year in school and then move to Gothenburg and start school there.
    I would leave my whole life and everything that is home to me, but I think it would be worth it in the end.

    My advise for you is to follow your heart, you know were your heart lives.

    With Love.

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  50. stay! boys comes and goes and i think you really gonna regret it if you go home. if hi is the one it can wait, he will wait. your education will not

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  51. the exact same thing is happening to me. i have dreamt to study in cambridge my whole life, and i finally got in. the thing is, just 2 months before my departure, i fell in love with a boy back home. i fell in love and i fell hard. but this is not just 200 miles away. we're 15 hours flight away, and have 6 hours time difference between us.
    and i believe we can do it.

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  52. the exact same thing is happening to me. i have dreamt to study in cambridge my whole life, and i finally got in. the thing is, just 2 months before my departure, i fell in love with a boy back home. i fell in love and i fell hard. but this is not just 200 miles away. we're 15 hours flight away, and have 6 hours time difference between us.
    and i believe we can do it.

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  53. Kajsa, snälla stanna i skolan. Jag har varit som du. Varit så kär att jag trodde att hjärtat skulle stanna. Varit förlovad. Varit säker på att det skulle hålla.

    Det är underbart att älska men ibland blir man bara så blind. Långdistans är en bitch men ni kommer klara er. England är trots allt bara någon timma bort och RyanAir flyger billigt som snus om man bara planerar lite. Ni kommer hitta sätt att stå ut. Om man inte gör saker man drömmer om så blir man bitter. Det går inte att kväva fram ett förhållande.

    Jag säger inte att du ska offra förhållandet. Håll fast! Men offra inte dina drömmar heller. Det mår ingen bättre av. Varken han eller du.

    Fred och kärlek,
    J

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  54. Jag tror att de flesta känner så när man är nyförälskad. Att det är "den rätte" som man har träffat. Ibland stämmer det ju, och jag tror att om man är menade för varann så löser sig allt tillslut.

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  55. you can do it! hang in there!

    last summer i met a french boy and we fell madly in love. he went back to france 2 months later. we promised to spend the next summer together. and yes we did! 6,493 miles apart, 6 hours difference! we tried very very hard thru skype n email. it has been 14 months... we're still madly in love.

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  56. Hang in there, it's not easy but before you know it he'd be joining you next year already. You can do it. :)

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  57. Kjære Kajsa. Jeg var i din situasjon for to år siden. Jeg og kjæresten bodde alt for langt fra hverandre. Dublin - Oslo er ingenting å le av. Men vi klarte det. Hver gang vi var samen så VAR vi sammen. Selv om det kunne gå 5 uker i mellom hver gang vi så hverandre. Alt forandret seg da han var utro. Men shit happens. Hold ut og gled deg til din kjære fytter til deg!

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  58. OMG DET HÄR ÄR OTROLIGT!
    Jag har inte kunnat sätta ifrån mig laptopen för att allt du säger är så otroligt likt allt det jag vill säga och du formulerar det så bra att jag blir mållös!
    Nu vet jag iaf att jag inte har gått och blivit sjuk i huvudet, att detta verkligen är en känsla
    Fattade att du var någonstans i Usa i de senaste inläggen men nu när jag ser att du är svensk blev jag bara så häpnad över det, ännu en sak som stämmer överens med mig =O

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  59. hey kajsa :) long distance can work you know. im in one for 9 months now. i could only see him once every three months.. he is my motivation. to do good in uni so i can graduate fast enough to go home and be with him. with him everyday without fear of my departure date like i used to. if you are as in love as what u said then its not gonna be a problem for you. my best advice is to believe in your relationship and to be able to trust him truthfully. goodluck :)

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  60. Shit, det där hade jag kunnat skriva. Nästan exakt samma sak hände mig, bara det att det var han som flyttade - från Göteborg till Nya Zeeland, för att plugga. HELVETE vad ont det gjorde när han flyttade. Vi hade liksom ingen chans till att ha ett distansförhållande, så vi gjorde helt enkelt slut... och, trots att det gått 1.5 år sen han flyttade, så dyker han fortfarande upp i mina tankar vareviga dag. Det hela blir på nåt sätt ännu värre då jag vet att han fortfarande gillar mig också, då vi liksom inte kan vara tillsammans.
    Låt se, han har ungefär 1.5 år kvar i skolan där borta...

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  61. Jag har varit i samma situation. Jag bodde i Sverige, han på Irland. Träffar kanske en helg i månaden, två om flygen var billiga, i 1,5 år var det så. Nu pluggar jag i England, vi bor i samma land nu åtminstonde men två timmars tågresa ifrån varandra så vi ses ungefär två gånger i månaden.

    Om ni båda vill och litar på varandra kommer ni överleva ett år med långdistans. Det är tufft men det går. Ge inte upp studierna, planera in resor på loven och prata varje dag. Ha ett mål att se fram emot. Se till att ha kul också, när du saknar honom som mest och inte vet vad du ska göra av allting se till att aktivera dig själv. Jag har också varit i lägen där jag velat släppa allting och bara åka över till honom men i slutändan måste man ta vara på sina egna mål också. Lycka till!

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  62. As the popular songs sounds, “all you need is love”. It is true: to love and to be loved is probably the most important thing in our life. But what to do if you are not sure – is it Love from the capital letter or just another temporary flirt? relationship advice: never be jealous on ur lover

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  63. i followed love. after knowing him for only 1 month and being in a relationship for a week, i followed love and said 'yes' while he was leaving and left with him for a place i've never been in my life. Now i'm truly happy for the first time in my life and waiting for our wedding day in April. it was only a simple 'yes'. and if i didnt do it in that time, i know we would have been in very different places right now. whatever happens in the future between us, i know my 'yes' was the best decision i've ever made.

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  64. you gotta try honey. you'll regret it if you don't

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