you were my something

natalizzie:flickr + tumblr

replacement girlfriend

flickr: helloromantic

So a good guy friend of mine tried to explain to me that guys and girls can't be friends... Which really pissed me off. I tried to brush it off since he has just been dumped. He said, "there are four relationships girls fit into Mother, Sister, Girlfriend and Replacement Girlfriend, guess which one you fit into. I replied that I hoped to fit into the sister but I'm guessing I don't.

Replacement girlfriend. I got really angry at his response. Why? Well in a lot of ways it's true but I had never looked at it in that light. I always looked at it as it was just another asshole guy using me or, sometimes like I was the stepping stone for another relationship some kind of girl version of "good luck chuck." It was painful to come to that realization. There were sad moments when I felt that all guys saw in me was sex maybe now it's just that they see good traits in me but nothing that could solidify me as a girlfriend type. Maybe I'm just another bragging right kind of hook up. It sucks to watch a guy you really cared for in another relationship shortly after whatever you had ended. Always trying to laugh it off thinking, it can't last, he jumped into that one so quickly...then kicking yourself a year or two later when they are still together.

What's worse is that one time when you happen to be at the same party as the two of them. The whole time you try to ignore them and look like you're having the time of your life when you really want to sprint out the door and find a place to shed a few tears. Then the once time you risk a glance he's looking at her in a way he once glanced at you but it's even better than when he glanced at you because there is so much more care in the way he looks at her. Then you stop and think wow...why couldn't that be me yet, at the same time you realize he cares for her so much more than he ever did and a feeling of inadequacy settles in. Makes it hard to hope that it won't be the same story the next time. The next time you talk to a somewhat cute nice guy you find yourself wondering how long he would stick around before disappearing like the rest. Yet somehow I still hope to have a real relationship where I am not just a temporary replacement where I am the real thing that actually matters.

with hope for love,

Leila

i ♥ your ♥

vogue italia + camila lordelo

i'm here

sequin.magazine

I wanted to be the one who was different.

Is there a girl who's known you who has not fallen for you? You're the epitome of the word "heartbreaker." Everything about you draws us in, until finally we're head-over-heels in love with you and - bang! - we realize it's never going to happen. How many girls have been suffering along with me this past year? Laying in their beds in the middle of the night, thinking about you, wondering if whatever little moment they had shared with you that day really meant something, praying you'd talk to them on Facebook. You've made pathetic fools out of all of us.

My little moments that I perceived as tenderness, as respect - when you made me dessert, when you tried to convince me to come with the words "I'll be there," when you cleaned up my dishes for me and when you called me smart - I remember every single one of them. You're not a naturally affirming person, so I took those as, from you, the ultimate compliments. Especially when you said I fit in with your friends. I know how much they mean to you. Even now, looking back, I can't persuade myself that those things meant nothing. Those are the things that make my heart hurt the most because they're the things that kept me going for so long.

But I was wrong. You don't truly respect me. I don't know if you even truly respect anybody in this world. You said it all last night, whether you know it or not. Your face when I walked up, when I smiled at you. You were talking to someone else, but you looked over, and it was like you were looking at a stranger. You don't even respect me enough to smile at me or say hello. If you knew how much effort that smile took, how many months it took me to get to the place where I could smile at you, maybe you would have at least acknowledged that I had entered the area.

Part of me wants to believe that you do like me, that you're scared. But I have never been as scared of anything in my whole life as I am of you. Because I wanted you to want me and I knew I wasn't good enough. If you only knew what I have done in the face of my fear. I literally befriended an entirely new group of people for the sole purpose of growing closer to you. For that reason, I don't regret any of the time I spent on you, because of all the things trying to put myself into your life brought into mine. You motivated me to become a better person in every way. But judging by the effort you've expended compared to the effort I expended, I don't even mean half as much to you as you do to me. Or you would try. You would overcome your fear like I overcame mine.

I'll never forget when she told me that you texted her all night. That was the night you left. That was the night I was at your house all night. And every second I was wishing you were there. And you couldn't even come say hello to me. Or goodbye. And yet you were texting her up until the very end.

I wanted to be the one who was different. The one for whom it was more than a crush. The one you chose in the end. Instead I'm the one who got my heart broken every day for the longest time. And in the end, I'm the same as everyone else. In the end, I didn't get you. And yet, unlike all the others, you can't even extend me the courtesy of being my friend.

And yet I didn't give up on you because you're difficult, like everyone else did. Your difficultness is one of the things I like best about you. It's just that I can't do much else. I can continue to try to conquer my fear, be your friend, gain your respect. In the end, that's all I really wanted, because I respect you more than anyone, and if you don't respect me, what does that say about me? But at some point, you have to show me that you care about me too. I'm done with crying on the way home from every day we spend together.

I try to tell myself that it's your loss, and it is. But it's my loss too. I've never believed that I had nothing to lose, because even though I didn't have you, I truly believed I had our future together. I never wanted to lose that. But I think I have. And you have too.

I'm the only person who thinks it's hilarious how rude you are, because I know you don't mean it. I'm the only person who never, ever gets sick of you. It's not that I was willing to be a doormat and put up with your crap. It's that I loved all of you, even the parts everyone else hated, and I could see through them to what you really are. So I'm sorry I don't have the magical combination of qualities it takes to make a girl worth it to you. I hope when you find one who does, she accepts you as much as I do. Until further notice, I'm here if you decide to shape up. But I'm done with living my life making you the number-one priority when you barely even consider me an option.

live, dream, love

tumblr/weheartit

miss him

staree.tumblr

I grew up in a country where I never got much attention from men. I felt that in order to become a grown up and learn a little about life, I had to flea. So, I fled. I moved to another country, a new city and new people.

Within a couple of days I met a guy. He was this tall, dark haired English man with the same taste in books, music and his perspective on life was the same as mine. After two weeks I found myself having a huge crush on him, and after three weeks, I got very drunk and sort of blurted it out to him. I got the answer that no one ever wants to hear:

“I like you too, but just as a friend”.

I was completely crushed. It took me a few more weeks to realize that he actually was a huge pile of crap, but a huge pile a crap that was a good friend. And as I look back on it now, I’m glad that he told me that, because he soon introduced me to his friend. Let’s call him C.

In C I found a man that understood me. A man that saw me for who I was. A man that made me laugh and a man with the biggest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. Soon enough I spent every chance I got at his apartment, hanging out, drinking wine and talking to him for hours. And then, one early morning as I was on my way home he invited me to a cup of hot chocolate at his apartment. I hesitated. I knew that if anything were ever going to happen between us, it would be now. But at the same time my friends had warned me about him: they told me he was still getting over his girlfriend who broke his heart. They told me that he was not looking for anything beyond casual. In my head, my friends were screaming “NO!” but I couldn’t bring myself to say no to him.

After that night, we kept seeing each other. He was the best I’ve ever had. He would kiss the back of my neck and at the same time smell my hair and caress my waist. He would kiss me on the hip bone when he was supposed to cover us up with his covers. He would look me in the eyes in the early morning light and sigh, “You are so beautiful”. He would tell me that I was so soft and so warm to lie next to. In the mornings he would make me breakfast and say that I should make a habit out of wearing his shirts and his multi-colored socks. He gave me the confirmation I had been longing for my whole life. C would make me feel in a way I’ve never felt before. I don’t know if it was love or just infatuation, but it was something that made me come alive. Both in a good way and in a bad way.

He was the best, in every way, when we were together. But when I was back at my apartment I would fall apart. I have spent hours lying in my best friends arms crying my heart out. I would shiver with rage and frustration, but not towards him, but towards myself. I kept blaming myself for his short comings. “Maybe I’m coming on too strong, maybe I said something that scared him off, maybe I did this, maybe I did that…”.

He never called me – I always called him. Most of the times when we’ve made plans, he would cancel. One time, he canceled on me three days in a row. But then on that fourth day, he would once again kiss my neck and whisper in my ear, once again he would make me pancakes and coffee with cardamom. As soon as I saw his smile, I would melt. And I still do, every time I think of him.

But then, I realized that I was falling for him. Hard. I didn’t see his faults, I didn’t remember those nights when he hadn’t called me in a week and I would cry myself to sleep. So, one of those early mornings, I was sitting in his bed, looking out his window as the sun rose, with his hand caressing my lower back.

“What are you thinking about?” C said.

“You.” I answered.

“Me? What about me?”

“Well, I’m more or less trying to figure out where this is going.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t know.”

“Me neither.”

“All I know is that… I like you, a lot, and I have a lot of fun with you…”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But at the same time, I know who I am in love with. You see… I just don’t have the energy to be in a relationship. I’ve spent my last four years putting all of me into a relationship and I just don’t have the energy right now…What I’m think I’m saying is that I just want something casual…”

“Okay. I understand, but…”

“Is it a relationship you’re looking for?”

“I don’t know what I’m looking for… All I know is that I love to be with you, and we have fun together.”

“Well, isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t know.”

Then he got me to lie back in bed and then he kissed me. He kissed me until the sun stood in the middle of the sky and my stomach was growling with hunger. C followed me to the train and gave me a long kiss goodbye.

After that, I never saw him again. He never called, he never texted, and I was tired of always having to take the first step. For a long time I was a wreck. But now, I realize that it is the best thing that could ever happen to me. Now, I am free of that cluster of feelings that clouded my view. Now, I'm clearheaded.

But that doesn't mean that I still don't miss him.

/Sara

sometimes

tumblr

it feels like it's over

frankie magazine

I've been reading this blog for a while, but no one ever writes about the kind of love im feeling right now. I may recognize myself in other peoples stories, at least the old me. But this is me now, and this is how I feel.

Maybe some of you do too:

It’s been over a year since we broke up. But I can’t stop thinking about him. Everyone around me have stopped asking about him, and no one ever talks about him anymore.

So I’m basically doing everything to make some one mention him so I can talk about him. Today I’ve realized that I’m forgetting.

Forgetting him, how he smells, the touch of his hands. I’m forgetting the feeling when he kisses me, and holds me tight. I have started to forget about us.

That’s why I try to think about him before I fall asleep, so I can dream about him, because that makes him closer. It’s patethic, He’s over me, and I’m not even 17 yet, my life haven’t started.

But it feels like it’s over without him.

-n c k

i don't know

szumowska + her0in_chic

my only subject was him

terapiacolorida

in 2007 i fell in love with my english teacher, he was 6 years older than me and i was a silly girl of 16.

he made me want to go to class everyday, made me want to be the best student he'd ever had, 'cause i wanted to be good enough for him... we became friends, and our favorite subject was me, he made me nervous and i could only talk about myself, about my problems, i never asked about his... 'cause he was there for me, always giving me the best advices and making me choose the right path and do what i was supposed to do. then i started to come earlier to class and leave later.. first we started going out after class to get a cup of coffee, then we started to go out to eat, and then we started to go out to drink...

... and from that point my only subject was him.

they way he changed my life, the way he put my hair behind my ear, the way he was jealous of my best friend, the way he talked about his favorite movies and bands, the way he had to stop everything to have a cigarette break, the way he played guitar... the way i could only think of him.

he made me feel older, made me feel wanted, and we started dating. it was even better than i could ever imagined. i couldnt tell this to anyone, was unethical... i was underage, he was my teacher, but this never stopped us, we had a great - even though it was for a short time - love story. we even had our music, guess how much i love you.

it was so real, i was so happy .and then after nowhere he had to move back to england, and so he did, and i was devastated.
for six months all i did was count the seconds to get on msn or skype to talk to him. and little by little the gaps between our conversations were longer and i started dating someone else, and caring about someone else... and then on the the beginning of 2009, while i was with my boyfriend he called me.
i had butterflies all over again, he was standing right outside my door and wanted to see me.
2 days later i broke up with my boyfriend and got back with him, my english love.
then we started fighting and i moved to another city to go to college. we exchanged emails and sometimes talked on the phone, but it wasn't the same..

and i got a new boyfriend, with whom i was really happy, and 8 months later he went to the city i live and 2 days later i broke up with my other boyfriend. everytime i saw him i knew, he was the one for me. but a few days later he was gone again, and i was heartbroken. since 2007 i'm in love with him, since 2007 my life changed.

this monday i received the news he killed himself.
he left me alone, with no one but my tears.
i lost my love.

la mort c'est la mort. mais l'amour c'est l'amour. la mort c'est seulement la mort. mais l'amour c'est l'amour. - death is death. but love is love. death is only death. but love is love.

guess how much i love you,
clara.

my heart

tumblr

to consider loving myself

tfs

I met him on a night out.
Basement club. Small, grungy, hollowed out cocoon of fairy-lighted rooms.
He was a friend of a friend of a friend, and at first I didn't think much of him. Slightly strained conversation over one too many beers.
Later we got lost in the dancefloor, and with his hand in mine the memories get hazy.
TaxiKeysStairsBed.
I was expecting... I don't know, what I always expect. Decent, cold, impersonal.
I turned the light off.
He turned it back on.
"You look prettier with the light on" he said.
In the morning there was no quick exit. I didn't wake to the rustling of sheets, the creaking of the bed and the mumble of
"I'll see you later"
There was no ache in my chest, no bitter taste.
He kissed my head, his arm wound round my waist and fingers tangled together.
"Morning." he said.
You get used to it, I guess. Being treated like shit. You begin to lower your expectations.
I don't care if it was just a night, because that one night means more to me then so many others put together.
And it wasn't because I loved him. I barely knew him.
But suddenly it had became a lot easier for me to consider loving myself.

N

i want that night

weheartit/tumblr

we

fotolog

This is a happy one, or at least it is to me.

After not even three months, I'm almost positive that I want to stay here in this city with him. The east coast, for all its prestigious colleges and historic cities, doesn't hold any interest for me anymore.

I think I'd rather stay here and go to PNCA with Jordan than some university that has alumni everywhere. I'd probably end up riding a stupid fixed gear and staying vegan.
We'd shop at outdoor farmers markets for produce during the summer and grow some of our own vegetables in the backyard. Of course, over time our house would get better and it would truly be both of ours instead of just pretending that I'd moved in. There would be weekends of too much Pabst, weekends of not enough. One of us would have to start gauging. We'd drink tea out of glass jars. Buy local. Go by train. Solar energy. 100% recycled. I'll get hooked on coffee too.

And then eventually we'd grow up and stop going to house shows. Everyone will (hopefully) do less drugs. Lose the wildness of youth and everything will be tamer. We'll start caring about city taxes and go out for breakfast on the weekends to read the newspaper and then come home clean the house. We'll meet our friends in lounge night clubs instead of dirty houses.
I don't know if the city will stay the same, but at least the rain will, and the summers too.

I'm really not romantic at all. I've never been one to fantasize about getting married, I don't care about kids, and I've never even been one to fantasize about the future with anyone, except him. I just know that staying here would make me happier than anything because I want to be anywhere my love is.

x

i will always think of you...

plastic-sfoonss + tumblr