Wednesday, March 10, 2010

to consider loving myself


tfs

I met him on a night out.
Basement club. Small, grungy, hollowed out cocoon of fairy-lighted rooms.
He was a friend of a friend of a friend, and at first I didn't think much of him. Slightly strained conversation over one too many beers.
Later we got lost in the dancefloor, and with his hand in mine the memories get hazy.
TaxiKeysStairsBed.
I was expecting... I don't know, what I always expect. Decent, cold, impersonal.
I turned the light off.
He turned it back on.
"You look prettier with the light on" he said.
In the morning there was no quick exit. I didn't wake to the rustling of sheets, the creaking of the bed and the mumble of
"I'll see you later"
There was no ache in my chest, no bitter taste.
He kissed my head, his arm wound round my waist and fingers tangled together.
"Morning." he said.
You get used to it, I guess. Being treated like shit. You begin to lower your expectations.
I don't care if it was just a night, because that one night means more to me then so many others put together.
And it wasn't because I loved him. I barely knew him.
But suddenly it had became a lot easier for me to consider loving myself.

N

51 comments:

  1. thankyou for this. we all deserve the best but are never happy until we realize this. i relate to your story so much. thankyou for reminding me not to give up.

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  2. love starts from within and shines on others. if u don't know how to love yourself, then u can't love thers.
    http://lovers-shore.blogspot.com/2010/03/letter-to-my-love-teacher.html

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  3. so kind of beautiful in a fucked up way. love it

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  4. I can completely understand how you can get used to being treated like that. Then along comes that one who makes you realize that it doesn't always have to be this way. Best of luck

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  5. That's often very true. I have gotten used to the casual sex with no strings attached I am currently finding my love triangle very scary. Because I am in love with someone I can't express that love with. Someone who probably sees me in a casual manner and the one who wants to make it happen, I seem to reject. When you are always getting dumped you reach a point where you just don't care anymore.

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  6. that's a truely beautiful story. thank you for reminding me not to give up on myself. :)

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  7. I recently felt this, exactly.
    Thank you for your eloquence.

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  8. ahhhhhh love love love it. "You get used to it, I guess. Being treated like shit. You begin to lower your expectations." so true

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  9. This is definitely one of the better stories. Loved it.

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  10. That was the best shit i have read in a long time. i wish i wrote it. Brilliant. not because of the content but because you write beautifully
    lots of love to you

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  11. You did a terrific job putting into words what so many girls feel, or at least something I know i've felt. There is a moment when you realize that you deserve to be catered too, you deserve cuddling, you deserve attention outside of the physical.

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  12. this doesn't happen too often
    but it sounds so beautiful once you hear a story like this <3

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  13. things like these makes me shiver.

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  14. This was lovely. I know exactly how you feel. It's like once you have one huge shitty experience with love, that's all you're really used to and then you just become cold and numb- for me anyway.

    I most definitely need to learn to love myself, so many girls do, thats why so many of us are broken.

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  15. why is it easier to get used to being treated like shit yet harder to get used to being treated as this, with love, honesty.. exactly as we should be?

    i'm going through this exact same thing as we speak.. its amazing yet frightening.

    i loved the words.

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  16. very nice.
    relatable.

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  17. What a beaurtiful and at the same time, heart-wrenching story. Thank you!

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  18. He was a friend of a friend of a friend... :)

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  19. Lovely.. this story has just hit a nerve of mine :)

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  20. very true, raw, and beautiful.

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  21. so incredible!

    "You get used to it, I guess. Being treated like shit."

    so true...

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  22. this one was really really good. not that the others suck or anything, but this one gave me shivers (in a good way).

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  23. beautiful.

    the way it was written, the content of the story, and the feelings embedded inside.

    do love yourself. thats when u can start loving others properly :)

    -x.

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  24. fun :) I'm glad you've finally realized.

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  25. loved this. so simple and true yet so damn fucked up.

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  26. a lovely piece of writing about a lovely piece of life.

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  27. he treats me as a sex buddy only, but I'm totally into him. how come...
    I want to learn to love myself.

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  28. i love the writing! <3
    the simple.. facts, i suppose you could call them :]
    ..the awareness that you've reached...

    and the line,

    "you look prettier with the light on" is absolute love.

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  29. Goes to show that it doesn't take too many words to open someone's eyes and that sometimes, if you're lucky, it doesn't take more than one night to open your own. I am happy for you.

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  30. Thank God He's not some sex maniac. LOL ;)

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  31. I hate to be redundant, but THANK YOU for posting this. Simple, yet straight to the heart. I've been there in that bed in the morning numerous times, and you start to forget about yourself... you're only thinking of the other. Nice... especially the hazy memories!

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  32. Excellent writing. Heartbreaking thinking. Great conclusion.

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  33. Oh, this is so beautiful. I hope he knows how much he did for you.

    :)

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  34. This is my absoult favourite one!!
    I love it I love it, probably because I can identify myself with it as much as i can.
    Älskvärt.

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  35. love everything about how this is written

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  36. 1/3of the comments aren't even matching the content of this story which is very stupid and funny.
    Its a great story,I know how you feel,the insecure inside you just can't get away,and you finally realize maybe someone could actually love you,not just phisically but what's inside.:)

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  37. Thank you for this one, it sort of made me cry. Because this is exactly what happening right now. But I really think he likes me. And I really like him; much more than all the others put together. I hope he'll love me one day.

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