Thursday, March 11, 2010

my only subject was him


terapiacolorida

in 2007 i fell in love with my english teacher, he was 6 years older than me and i was a silly girl of 16.

he made me want to go to class everyday, made me want to be the best student he'd ever had, 'cause i wanted to be good enough for him... we became friends, and our favorite subject was me, he made me nervous and i could only talk about myself, about my problems, i never asked about his... 'cause he was there for me, always giving me the best advices and making me choose the right path and do what i was supposed to do. then i started to come earlier to class and leave later.. first we started going out after class to get a cup of coffee, then we started to go out to eat, and then we started to go out to drink...

... and from that point my only subject was him.

they way he changed my life, the way he put my hair behind my ear, the way he was jealous of my best friend, the way he talked about his favorite movies and bands, the way he had to stop everything to have a cigarette break, the way he played guitar... the way i could only think of him.

he made me feel older, made me feel wanted, and we started dating. it was even better than i could ever imagined. i couldnt tell this to anyone, was unethical... i was underage, he was my teacher, but this never stopped us, we had a great - even though it was for a short time - love story. we even had our music, guess how much i love you.

it was so real, i was so happy .and then after nowhere he had to move back to england, and so he did, and i was devastated.
for six months all i did was count the seconds to get on msn or skype to talk to him. and little by little the gaps between our conversations were longer and i started dating someone else, and caring about someone else... and then on the the beginning of 2009, while i was with my boyfriend he called me.
i had butterflies all over again, he was standing right outside my door and wanted to see me.
2 days later i broke up with my boyfriend and got back with him, my english love.
then we started fighting and i moved to another city to go to college. we exchanged emails and sometimes talked on the phone, but it wasn't the same..

and i got a new boyfriend, with whom i was really happy, and 8 months later he went to the city i live and 2 days later i broke up with my other boyfriend. everytime i saw him i knew, he was the one for me. but a few days later he was gone again, and i was heartbroken. since 2007 i'm in love with him, since 2007 my life changed.

this monday i received the news he killed himself.
he left me alone, with no one but my tears.
i lost my love.

la mort c'est la mort. mais l'amour c'est l'amour. la mort c'est seulement la mort. mais l'amour c'est l'amour. - death is death. but love is love. death is only death. but love is love.

guess how much i love you,
clara.

96 comments:

  1. That was such an unexpeted twist! It made me so sad. Hope you're ok!

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  2. He's not it for you... there's someone else, someone wonderful. Someone who can love you while you are yourself. Take hope, viva amoure!

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  3. c'est pourqoui qu'il y a toujours là mort. La mort existe toujours. Mais l'amour, elle existe aussi. Tous les jours. Everywhere. In your heart.

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  4. This was the most beautiful tragedy I've ever read. I'm so sorry. I still have chills. You'll never be alone. There are so many people that love you, but I know that this is an exceptional loss.

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  5. whoa.
    i'm really sad about this and have a feeling your story with stay with me for a long time.
    here's to love and and to your heart.

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  6. completely heartbreaking. hold your head up doll<3

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  7. wow, i cant remember the last time i had chills like that. what a heartbreaking story. wow.

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  8. aimer est d'aimer la vie im desole pour votre douleur ne se fanent pas, mais comme une fleur s'epanouir et de partager votre vie et des histoires pour tous les deux vous

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  9. wow. i don't know if i could handle that. it's so heartbreaking. i'm sorry.

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  10. This is so sad. Please be strong. My heart goes out to you.

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  11. What a beautiful and sad love story.. Be strong. Warm greetings from Sweden.

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  12. I thought...for a moment I thought I was reading the story that was almost mine. I am so sorry.

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  13. oh honey. my heart broke just reading that. life is full of beautiful tragedy. best wishes. your love is out there. x

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  14. This story was beautifully tragic...

    On a lighter note, i absolutely love this blog. I'm always excited to see your posts.
    =)

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  15. I'm speechless...like Romeo & Juliet...very passionate and tragic...
    take care of yourself

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  16. In portuguese, my native language, love rhymes to pain (love=amor ~pain= dor).
    Your love became pain, but at the right time you will get over and turn your pain into love again. Be strong!

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  17. the worst thing in life is when death takes the ones we love.

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  18. Oh pickle. My heart breaks for you. I hope that you know that you are loved and wanted. It may not seem like it now, but you truly are.

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  19. This made me feel like my heart was breaking! I am truely so sorry, I can't imagine the pain. Stay strong.

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  20. OH my God. My heart broke as I read this...and a horrible, unexpected twist. The longing, the pain, the heartache, the obsession. Love like this is crushing and something you'll never get over.

    And a side note, what a young teacher! Dangerous for girls like us who fall for boys who like literature and boys who play guitar and smoke cigarettes...and with an English accent. COME ON! The school was asking for it!

    http://sarahhartsu.blogspot.com

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  21. i really really hope you're okay.

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  22. wow. I literally stopped breathing when I read that line. completely heartwrenching.

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  23. 'm Shocked
    the story was so beautiful, and at the end of the text, this surprise.

    I shiver the whole

    I hope you are well

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  24. I am so sorry. I have chills up my legs and arms. Keep your head up and know that you will be with him again one day.

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  25. ditto, i lost someone too - summer last year, i watched him die. but it helps to write about it or talk about it, Clara. i have a blog where i write to him, to everything he will never know.
    >icanonlyholdontothingsiwanttolose.blogspot.com
    its helped ease my mind a little. wish you hope and strength.
    - R.

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  26. I'm so sorry. What a tragic love story.

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  27. hey... hope you're okay!!

    even after everything..life goes on..

    even when it seems impossible..it still does..

    take care! :)

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  28. There is something beautiful in Your story...but it left me hopeless...Take care...

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  29. oh my god, i am actually crying. This is so beautiful, and so sad. I really hope you find someone else, someone to love even if it's a different kind of love. You deserve it after losing him so many times,
    take care

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  30. take care of yourself sweetheart. you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

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  31. My heart aches for you, for the love you lost, for the love that never fully understood itself. But that is the funny thing about love. Take care & blessings. ~cbm

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  33. Please hang up, I wish you the best.

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  34. I'm so sorry for you! Oh god. I can't even describe it.

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  35. oh my god this left me heart broken.
    i am SO sorry.

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  36. wow that is so sad my heart goes out to you darling. But remember you are young, let this experience shape your life in a positive way.

    Always hold sacred how precious love and life are and when you find them fight for them with all you have. Never give up on something that completes you. I hope you find someone to mend your heart darling!

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  37. i love this story. i love this blog. i love love, despite the sometimes inevitable tragedy of love and life: the inescapable end of both...death. our desperate desire to connect, to save each other and be saved is perhaps the most fragile and the most enduring of human bonds. i love you, humanity, for your short existence, your suffering, your pain. you're the most beautiful thing, and thing worth living for.

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  38. oh my god... what a beautiful love story and what an horrible ending... good luck to you clara wish you the best

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  39. I never thought that your story would end this way. I am so sorry for you, it so heartbreaking. I really hope that you are going to be okay, or at least that you will find peace within yourself one day.

    -xxxx-

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  40. Oh my goodness! That was so beautiful and then at the end it felt like someone pinched my heart :( I cannot tell you how sorry I am for you...even though I haven't met you I am truly truly sorry xo

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  41. so sorry for your loss, i hope you'll get back on your feet. it must be hard and yes, like most have already said so above, you will find someone wonderful and perfect when the time comes. :)

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  42. unexpected.
    but touching just the same </3
    heartbreaking stuff..
    i wish you well :/

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  43. I am truly sorry for your loss. This was beautiful in the most tragic of ways.

    Guess how much I love you is a song? By whom, may I ask?

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  45. so sad. tears in my eyes for you. please keep your head up and your heart open. you will find love again!

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  46. Lovely Blog :D

    http://jellydimond.blogspot.com

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  47. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  48. Cheer up babe! At least you guys had memories. Hope u're ok.

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  49. guess how much i love you is a song by The Lucksmiths.

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  50. moved me much. such a sad love story but really, it's beautiful. :)

    and definitely there's someone else wonderful for you out there, as they all say. :3

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  51. For the broken heart, may I recommend http://thegiftofgalenpatrick.wordpress.com

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  52. it is true what they say there are not many loves, there may be many lovers, but there is always One special One. And I am sorry you lost him. But stay strong, continue studying, continue dating, continue living. that is in the end all we can do.
    live.

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  53. Man, it made me cry!
    What a story! D:

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  54. I am so sorry. What a beautiful story.

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  55. This is so heartbreaking. I hope you are okay now. He's in a better place now. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  56. vraiment, je suis desolee

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  57. Omg, I'm sorry for you :/

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  58. Made me cry.

    My heart goes out to you.

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  59. Omg. :/
    I'm on the verge of tears..

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  60. it breaks my heart to read this. i'm crying, it's so sad! and then i think about how you must feel. i'm just a silly reader but you were the one to experience this. if i'm crying, then how bad mustn't you feel? i really hope you'll be okay!

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  61. My heart goes out to you. I hope you will be ok soon.

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  62. A beautiful story & then I choked up... Clara I am so so so sorry, I only hope that one day you find happiness again x

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  63. I just happened to come across ur blog as I was perusing and I read ur story. My heart is heavy for you. I pray & know that you will make it through this difficult time. Try not to lean to ur own understanding of why things happen the way they do. Just know that life is full of Trials and Tribulations and the way you handle it will allow you to proceed or remain.
    Bless your heart Love.

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  64. Oh nooo, I was hoping that he didn't die. This was heartbroken but it was a great story.
    http://pearlsandchitchat.blogspot.com/

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  65. i didn't see that ending coming. my jaw dropped.

    the scandalous love affair. the dire need to be with each other. and then the death. totally wrenching of the heart.

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  66. Tragic.

    Maybe this could be your stepping stone & make his love be your reason to live life to the fullest. Catch every rainbow, jump for every opportunity & simply be happy.

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  67. Words can't even express how I felt while reading your story and after I was done.
    It was so beautiful and heart breaking at the same time.
    I really hope that you are alright.

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  68. I am truly sorry.

    I'm praying for you, God Bless.

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  69. my heart is broken for you, I'm so sorry.

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  70. oh my heart just stopped beating. i'm so sorry.

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  71. This is heartbreaking :(

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  72. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I admire your strength.

    Love is love.

    I hope you are safe.

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  73. É uma história linda... sem dúvida!
    Mas também uma história triste...
    Que a estrela mais reluzente possa acalentar teu coração...

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  74. oh god. it was such a beautiful love story and the end was so.. unexpected. really sad, i hope you're ok after all.

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  75. Oh God, bin there, done that. Bought the t-shirt; or should I say; the big ugly fleece; as that is what he wore...You'll get over it...

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  76. http://lifeasiknowit-makingsenseofitall.blogspot.com/

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  77. Unbelievably speechless

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  78. oh my god. i feel so small and helpless. just wanna hug you. do anything. i hope you ok. you seem wonderful, and wonderful deserves wonderful. im sure wonderful will come. kärlek från sverige.

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  79. omg, I cry when I see this post! I know that he was your love and you wont forgett him!

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  80. be calm dear, altough he is already die, he is your sweetest memory :)

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  81. i know i shouldn't be saying this, but have you thought of the other two guys who made it as your boyfriend? have you ever thought of how they would feel? no, they're not the main character of the story, but they're just someone who wants to be loved; to love someone. what if they felt the same way that you had towards your english love?
    but who am i to speak? I'm just someone like you; wanting this girl to be mine so badly that i confessed just to be rejected and to be close to me on one day and cold on the other.

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  82. yes, i think of them.
    and yes, i did love them, very much, but in a different way as i did love him... but i did love them.
    and maybe, yes, they thought of me as as did of him, but i dont think they actually did.

    and for you, i think your argument, and your way of dealing with your situation is quite right, it better to be near, even if the person is cold to you than to be shut off their life. thats only my opinion, they way it suits me best... i recommend to you, to find the way that suits you best. and that one day you'll get through with the situation, as even i was able to.
    xx

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  83. One word: Pedofile.

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  84. Omg!

    Im so sorry for you. You must be heartbroken!

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  85. ahwwwwwwwwwww very sad i really have tears in my eyes

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