Wednesday, March 17, 2010

miss him


I grew up in a country where I never got much attention from men. I felt that in order to become a grown up and learn a little about life, I had to flea. So, I fled. I moved to another country, a new city and new people.

Within a couple of days I met a guy. He was this tall, dark haired English man with the same taste in books, music and his perspective on life was the same as mine. After two weeks I found myself having a huge crush on him, and after three weeks, I got very drunk and sort of blurted it out to him. I got the answer that no one ever wants to hear:

“I like you too, but just as a friend”.

I was completely crushed. It took me a few more weeks to realize that he actually was a huge pile of crap, but a huge pile a crap that was a good friend. And as I look back on it now, I’m glad that he told me that, because he soon introduced me to his friend. Let’s call him C.

In C I found a man that understood me. A man that saw me for who I was. A man that made me laugh and a man with the biggest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. Soon enough I spent every chance I got at his apartment, hanging out, drinking wine and talking to him for hours. And then, one early morning as I was on my way home he invited me to a cup of hot chocolate at his apartment. I hesitated. I knew that if anything were ever going to happen between us, it would be now. But at the same time my friends had warned me about him: they told me he was still getting over his girlfriend who broke his heart. They told me that he was not looking for anything beyond casual. In my head, my friends were screaming “NO!” but I couldn’t bring myself to say no to him.

After that night, we kept seeing each other. He was the best I’ve ever had. He would kiss the back of my neck and at the same time smell my hair and caress my waist. He would kiss me on the hip bone when he was supposed to cover us up with his covers. He would look me in the eyes in the early morning light and sigh, “You are so beautiful”. He would tell me that I was so soft and so warm to lie next to. In the mornings he would make me breakfast and say that I should make a habit out of wearing his shirts and his multi-colored socks. He gave me the confirmation I had been longing for my whole life. C would make me feel in a way I’ve never felt before. I don’t know if it was love or just infatuation, but it was something that made me come alive. Both in a good way and in a bad way.

He was the best, in every way, when we were together. But when I was back at my apartment I would fall apart. I have spent hours lying in my best friends arms crying my heart out. I would shiver with rage and frustration, but not towards him, but towards myself. I kept blaming myself for his short comings. “Maybe I’m coming on too strong, maybe I said something that scared him off, maybe I did this, maybe I did that…”.

He never called me – I always called him. Most of the times when we’ve made plans, he would cancel. One time, he canceled on me three days in a row. But then on that fourth day, he would once again kiss my neck and whisper in my ear, once again he would make me pancakes and coffee with cardamom. As soon as I saw his smile, I would melt. And I still do, every time I think of him.

But then, I realized that I was falling for him. Hard. I didn’t see his faults, I didn’t remember those nights when he hadn’t called me in a week and I would cry myself to sleep. So, one of those early mornings, I was sitting in his bed, looking out his window as the sun rose, with his hand caressing my lower back.

“What are you thinking about?” C said.

“You.” I answered.

“Me? What about me?”

“Well, I’m more or less trying to figure out where this is going.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t know.”

“Me neither.”

“All I know is that… I like you, a lot, and I have a lot of fun with you…”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But at the same time, I know who I am in love with. You see… I just don’t have the energy to be in a relationship. I’ve spent my last four years putting all of me into a relationship and I just don’t have the energy right now…What I’m think I’m saying is that I just want something casual…”

“Okay. I understand, but…”

“Is it a relationship you’re looking for?”

“I don’t know what I’m looking for… All I know is that I love to be with you, and we have fun together.”

“Well, isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t know.”

Then he got me to lie back in bed and then he kissed me. He kissed me until the sun stood in the middle of the sky and my stomach was growling with hunger. C followed me to the train and gave me a long kiss goodbye.

After that, I never saw him again. He never called, he never texted, and I was tired of always having to take the first step. For a long time I was a wreck. But now, I realize that it is the best thing that could ever happen to me. Now, I am free of that cluster of feelings that clouded my view. Now, I'm clearheaded.

But that doesn't mean that I still don't miss him.

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