Wednesday, March 17, 2010

miss him


staree.tumblr

I grew up in a country where I never got much attention from men. I felt that in order to become a grown up and learn a little about life, I had to flea. So, I fled. I moved to another country, a new city and new people.

Within a couple of days I met a guy. He was this tall, dark haired English man with the same taste in books, music and his perspective on life was the same as mine. After two weeks I found myself having a huge crush on him, and after three weeks, I got very drunk and sort of blurted it out to him. I got the answer that no one ever wants to hear:

“I like you too, but just as a friend”.

I was completely crushed. It took me a few more weeks to realize that he actually was a huge pile of crap, but a huge pile a crap that was a good friend. And as I look back on it now, I’m glad that he told me that, because he soon introduced me to his friend. Let’s call him C.

In C I found a man that understood me. A man that saw me for who I was. A man that made me laugh and a man with the biggest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. Soon enough I spent every chance I got at his apartment, hanging out, drinking wine and talking to him for hours. And then, one early morning as I was on my way home he invited me to a cup of hot chocolate at his apartment. I hesitated. I knew that if anything were ever going to happen between us, it would be now. But at the same time my friends had warned me about him: they told me he was still getting over his girlfriend who broke his heart. They told me that he was not looking for anything beyond casual. In my head, my friends were screaming “NO!” but I couldn’t bring myself to say no to him.

After that night, we kept seeing each other. He was the best I’ve ever had. He would kiss the back of my neck and at the same time smell my hair and caress my waist. He would kiss me on the hip bone when he was supposed to cover us up with his covers. He would look me in the eyes in the early morning light and sigh, “You are so beautiful”. He would tell me that I was so soft and so warm to lie next to. In the mornings he would make me breakfast and say that I should make a habit out of wearing his shirts and his multi-colored socks. He gave me the confirmation I had been longing for my whole life. C would make me feel in a way I’ve never felt before. I don’t know if it was love or just infatuation, but it was something that made me come alive. Both in a good way and in a bad way.

He was the best, in every way, when we were together. But when I was back at my apartment I would fall apart. I have spent hours lying in my best friends arms crying my heart out. I would shiver with rage and frustration, but not towards him, but towards myself. I kept blaming myself for his short comings. “Maybe I’m coming on too strong, maybe I said something that scared him off, maybe I did this, maybe I did that…”.

He never called me – I always called him. Most of the times when we’ve made plans, he would cancel. One time, he canceled on me three days in a row. But then on that fourth day, he would once again kiss my neck and whisper in my ear, once again he would make me pancakes and coffee with cardamom. As soon as I saw his smile, I would melt. And I still do, every time I think of him.

But then, I realized that I was falling for him. Hard. I didn’t see his faults, I didn’t remember those nights when he hadn’t called me in a week and I would cry myself to sleep. So, one of those early mornings, I was sitting in his bed, looking out his window as the sun rose, with his hand caressing my lower back.

“What are you thinking about?” C said.

“You.” I answered.

“Me? What about me?”

“Well, I’m more or less trying to figure out where this is going.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t know.”

“Me neither.”

“All I know is that… I like you, a lot, and I have a lot of fun with you…”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But at the same time, I know who I am in love with. You see… I just don’t have the energy to be in a relationship. I’ve spent my last four years putting all of me into a relationship and I just don’t have the energy right now…What I’m think I’m saying is that I just want something casual…”

“Okay. I understand, but…”

“Is it a relationship you’re looking for?”

“I don’t know what I’m looking for… All I know is that I love to be with you, and we have fun together.”

“Well, isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t know.”

Then he got me to lie back in bed and then he kissed me. He kissed me until the sun stood in the middle of the sky and my stomach was growling with hunger. C followed me to the train and gave me a long kiss goodbye.

After that, I never saw him again. He never called, he never texted, and I was tired of always having to take the first step. For a long time I was a wreck. But now, I realize that it is the best thing that could ever happen to me. Now, I am free of that cluster of feelings that clouded my view. Now, I'm clearheaded.

But that doesn't mean that I still don't miss him.

/Sara

43 comments:

  1. Beautiful description, but such a sad feeling. It's hard to describe with words of those feelings you're going through, but it's definitely the best thing that could ever happen to you. You will definitely find a man who will love you fully and unconditionally.

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  2. wowww. i'm really liking how honest you are. not making it this whole "yeah i'm feeling so much better without him" thing that we always tell ourselves, but admitting that though you are better without him, it's human and perfectly fine to still miss him!

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  3. wow...
    this story is unbelievably upsetting, but beautiful at the same time. I can relate to always having to take the first step, having to keep strong after he blows you off so many times, yet when he feels like it he is always there making you feel so "special". You are truly brave. I am afraid to take off, in fear that, just like C, he will never talk to me again.

    This is beautiful and even though I have no clue who you are, you are a beautiful and inspiring person.

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  4. this is exactly the last 3 months of my life...

    i need to have that conversation with him.

    thanks you so much for posting this.

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  5. So sad.
    I hope I will be free of my feelings some day too.

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  6. I can't believe after all that he couldn't give himself to you. I wonder if he was actually as selfless as he said in his relationship.
    I'm glad you had that talk with him. I'm glad you had the strength to walk away.
    I hope he is not one of those horrible guys who will ring you after a few months to say he was a fool. You should be together. Then you take him back only for him to slip away before your eyes.
    Despite what you say about not getting alot of attention. I think you have a great capacity for love. Your eloquence and your ability to have such a mature discussion tell me that!
    I hope fate gets off its bony butt and gives you an amazing mate soon :)
    Hugs.

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  7. You are a very strong lady. I admire you.
    x

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  8. sara

    i too was introduced to this guy, lets call him X by a friend. And that one day I went to his place and things happened. But I never regretted it because it seems so right.

    we always had alot of fun. he was always able to make me feel special, to want to be special.

    i know he was looking for something casual, and to ruin all these fun times seem sinful. but.. i guess fun is not what i was looking for.

    i wanted commitment and i wanted something concrete. last december, he told me he is finally ready to get a girlfriend. unfortunately, that girl wasn't me.

    i was always that casual friend and i guess that's why its sad. i know i will be a wreck for a long time... i still is. but i know things will blow over.

    i still miss him and i guess it will be a missing feeling for a long time....

    thanks for writing. i think i can finally... move on

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  9. Holy crap, this is beautiful.

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  10. omg...when i read this, i was asking myself why everything sounded so familiar! that was basically what i've been experiencing for the last month or so.

    thank you so much for posting it and giving strength to people like me who need to do as you did. stay strong. you are beautiful. it was his loss.

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  11. This sucks, I mean, that kind of behaviour isn't ok. I have almost the same kind of experience and after six months I still think about it. I don't miss him - but I miss someone kissing me and being close. And someone I could trust. I hope you all the best!

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  12. My heart breaks for you. Very sad story Sara. Where one door closes, another opens and there will be a man out there for you who actively pursues YOU one day. This relationship will be easy and full of joy. You won't have to work so hard to be happy and THIS man will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Keep having hope that things will get better and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your prince.

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  13. I have never had someone to love or miss!!!
    After all, you have a history...

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  14. Thank you for posting this. I've been seeing my own version of C for three years now off and on. I've gotten to the point where I try to convince myself I just want a casual thing with him too...but it's a lie. I don't have the guts to have that conversation with him because I know I'll get the same response he gave you.

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  15. Thank you all so, so much. Your support means a lot to me.

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  16. Thank you so much for posting this. I am dealing with this now, trying my best not to contact him since he hasn't contacted me the whole spring break, trying to convince myself that i want something casual as well but of course lying to myself.... just wishing it could be different.

    I feel your pain and have cired your tears.

    Thanks again for posting

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  17. wow, I really really liked this story.
    probably more than any other on here.
    great writing & description & everything..
    so dreamy :)

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  18. Aouch... you are very strong! I am very confused because I am living quite the same story. I moved in a foreign country too and found a guy as you did. I've been living this "casual" relationqhip for few month (and I am impressed to see how many people can live this kind of story... about 10 pple commented on this story saying they are living such a situation, but how many pple read this story??? I sounds to me that the proportion of pple living this kind of experience in their love life is too high!! too sad. I think someone should oblige all guys they know to read this story and tell them they cannot treat girls like that. I am not always convinced that only guys break girls heart, I strongly believe girls do it too, but I also really think this is a guy behaviour...for sure).

    In the beginning I protected myself from this guy because I was conscious of what he wanted and for sure what he did not want. But my feelings for him are growing and I know him more and more after days.
    Its even more weird to me as my C guy (let's call him T)does not seem so mean as i know him better. We NEVER talk about each other and about what we thing about each other and what we want. But we have talked lately about who he was in general. He told me he was someone that was sometimes afraid to do things bad so he prefered not to do anything, that he was afraid of whatever he might say would commit him to something he's afraid of. So he prefers saying nothing. The guy I am talking about call me sometimes, I do not do the first step everytime, and I know he likes me, eyes don't lie. But maybe mot enough... probably not enough to beat his fear of commitment.

    His silence reminds me all your story. My friends also told me that I should have with T the exact same conversation you had with him. And I really think the way you introduced this conversation and the exact things you said were the best way!!! It was very clever, direct enough but soft. I am too afraid to have this conversation with him because I am afraid to get the exact same answer you had. And I love him so much that I could not handle such situation. I think I still hope things will get better.... but I also know I am wasting a lot of time for so few good moments (he's a musician and is always on tour.... yes... I know... this worsen the situation that he's an always away musician that every girl is in love with....)....

    Thank you for sharing this story. Hope this will help me in the good way!!
    You are strong!
    I know you are right.
    I think for know, my hopes make me happy enough to badly deny the truth... he's not that into me....

    Love you girls!!!
    Take care of your beautiful heart :)

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  19. To everyone going through the same thing:
    Stay strong. I was lucky enough to have two beautiful friends who wiped away my tears for almost four weeks. It is absolutely one of the most horrible things I've ever gone through, but hope. You will come out stronger on the other end. It is really really hard, I know. But you will be so glad you did it.

    Love,
    Sara.

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  20. I went through the same thing. It's heart wrenching and exhausting, but just know that you are stronger for having gone through it. xx

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  21. this casual relationship thing.
    is a total blur to me.
    i cam from being in a serious
    relationship early on for yeras
    and now that i meet someone mature
    we're at this casual stage and although
    things go beyond casual in our minds
    we refuse to have a talk about future
    us. it's as though everything is present
    us. which works out well in the short
    term, but i guess as it's clear here
    in the "casual relationship" there is always
    one person who secretly does not view
    it as just a "causal" thing. and with friends
    always pushing for serious this and serious
    that, one as a girl is made to feel as though
    casual is wrong. but what happens when
    casual is all you really want because
    you do live in the short term, and refuse
    to stress about the long-term "us" reality?
    thoughts?

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  22. i really CAN relate to this. being with someone who isn't ready or doesn't know what he wants. it is enough to drive you crazy. thank you for sharing. as hard as it still is for me, this helped. so thanks. i also wish you the best.

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  23. aww, you are such a strong person, honey. (': stay that way. <3 this was so touching.

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  24. I love love. Even when it hurts & threatens to shred your entire existence. This is definitely the place for me. Thank you.

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  25. I read your story and it just brought so many feelings all to familiar...
    Although heart-wrenching... it's great to know that you were able to stand on your two feet again...

    ... love can sometimes hurt, but it's the will to love again that brings you back to life...

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  26. Oh my god! I love your texts--- and love the way you write! it's beautiful.. are you typing ot by yourself or is it from books??
    where do you live?? i am so impressed by you ..

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  27. http://lifeasiknowit-makingsenseofitall.blogspot.com/

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  28. I just want to say, that I am going through this same thing right now. And your bravery has inspired me to let go. If you have a tumblr I would love to be able to follow you. You are very inspiring and brave. Thank you.

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  29. Best blogger I've ever seen.

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  30. fromheretoeternity.tumblr.com

    That's my blog. Anyone who wants to talk or what ever, feel free to ask for my email and etc.

    Love,
    Sara

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  31. so beautiful..
    i totally see my self in this. story of my life

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  32. So, he was still in love with his old girlfriend? :/ What an ass.

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  33. I'm happy it's somewhat of a happy ending. Love this being shared, because I have felt the same way many times.

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  34. Why is it always Us to love Them more? Fuck

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  35. This always happens to me as well. Either I meet people who have just been in a long-term relationship and want some freedom but just happen to be wonderful enough to start liking anyway. Or they live on the other end of the country and don't want the distance. Either that or they're just emotionally immature. Ah well, i hope love finds us some time. We deserve it.

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  36. I am relating to this, totally, it's the story of my last 4 months. Thanks for posting this. I wish I was as brave as you.

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  37. last six months. wish i was as brave as you too

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  38. i just don't get why some ppl do this. make us feel like we're the most special, unique person in the world just to come otu and say afterwards "i just want something casual" why make us fall in love then?

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  39. omg this blog is so amazing! Im so glad I found it!! Its so touching.. :)
    Love is a tricky thing..but you deserve a guy who trully loves you. No matter what. :)

    www.thegenieswand.blogspot.com

    xxxxx

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  40. You did exaclty what you had to do, it was great decision because otherwise you would be still fighting for that feeling.. and worst of all you would be lost ... having a harder feeling everyday..

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  41. I can relate. My exboyfriend and I broke up because of the distance. He tells me he loves me, misses me, wants me to go to where he is to be with him. Or wanted me to. He doesn't want the door to close on us for the future. But I am the one who keeps in touch with him, texts him, says hi to him on facebook, tries to arrange times to talk. He says it makes him feel special when I make that effort for him. It does not make me feel special to be the one making the effort.
    I'm trying not to call him, I told me him to call or message me whenever he wants to talk to me.
    We'll see what happens...
    I miss him everyday, it's all I can do not to call him first

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  42. thats so sad :(

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