Sunday, March 21, 2010

i'm here


I wanted to be the one who was different.

Is there a girl who's known you who has not fallen for you? You're the epitome of the word "heartbreaker." Everything about you draws us in, until finally we're head-over-heels in love with you and - bang! - we realize it's never going to happen. How many girls have been suffering along with me this past year? Laying in their beds in the middle of the night, thinking about you, wondering if whatever little moment they had shared with you that day really meant something, praying you'd talk to them on Facebook. You've made pathetic fools out of all of us.

My little moments that I perceived as tenderness, as respect - when you made me dessert, when you tried to convince me to come with the words "I'll be there," when you cleaned up my dishes for me and when you called me smart - I remember every single one of them. You're not a naturally affirming person, so I took those as, from you, the ultimate compliments. Especially when you said I fit in with your friends. I know how much they mean to you. Even now, looking back, I can't persuade myself that those things meant nothing. Those are the things that make my heart hurt the most because they're the things that kept me going for so long.

But I was wrong. You don't truly respect me. I don't know if you even truly respect anybody in this world. You said it all last night, whether you know it or not. Your face when I walked up, when I smiled at you. You were talking to someone else, but you looked over, and it was like you were looking at a stranger. You don't even respect me enough to smile at me or say hello. If you knew how much effort that smile took, how many months it took me to get to the place where I could smile at you, maybe you would have at least acknowledged that I had entered the area.

Part of me wants to believe that you do like me, that you're scared. But I have never been as scared of anything in my whole life as I am of you. Because I wanted you to want me and I knew I wasn't good enough. If you only knew what I have done in the face of my fear. I literally befriended an entirely new group of people for the sole purpose of growing closer to you. For that reason, I don't regret any of the time I spent on you, because of all the things trying to put myself into your life brought into mine. You motivated me to become a better person in every way. But judging by the effort you've expended compared to the effort I expended, I don't even mean half as much to you as you do to me. Or you would try. You would overcome your fear like I overcame mine.

I'll never forget when she told me that you texted her all night. That was the night you left. That was the night I was at your house all night. And every second I was wishing you were there. And you couldn't even come say hello to me. Or goodbye. And yet you were texting her up until the very end.

I wanted to be the one who was different. The one for whom it was more than a crush. The one you chose in the end. Instead I'm the one who got my heart broken every day for the longest time. And in the end, I'm the same as everyone else. In the end, I didn't get you. And yet, unlike all the others, you can't even extend me the courtesy of being my friend.

And yet I didn't give up on you because you're difficult, like everyone else did. Your difficultness is one of the things I like best about you. It's just that I can't do much else. I can continue to try to conquer my fear, be your friend, gain your respect. In the end, that's all I really wanted, because I respect you more than anyone, and if you don't respect me, what does that say about me? But at some point, you have to show me that you care about me too. I'm done with crying on the way home from every day we spend together.

I try to tell myself that it's your loss, and it is. But it's my loss too. I've never believed that I had nothing to lose, because even though I didn't have you, I truly believed I had our future together. I never wanted to lose that. But I think I have. And you have too.

I'm the only person who thinks it's hilarious how rude you are, because I know you don't mean it. I'm the only person who never, ever gets sick of you. It's not that I was willing to be a doormat and put up with your crap. It's that I loved all of you, even the parts everyone else hated, and I could see through them to what you really are. So I'm sorry I don't have the magical combination of qualities it takes to make a girl worth it to you. I hope when you find one who does, she accepts you as much as I do. Until further notice, I'm here if you decide to shape up. But I'm done with living my life making you the number-one priority when you barely even consider me an option.
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