now i don't know how to be friends with him

tfs

i still don't know how i feel about him. it hurts my heart when he doesn't answer my phone calls or when he doesn't call me or text me forever. this summer he said he didn't know if he even remembered what it felt like when we were traveling, when it was so good and we were having fun. and i don't know if i'm remembering anymore either. but parts of me are. parts of me remember the good so intensely that i can't stop thinking about it. like talking forever on the roof or in the hammock. or doing ridiculous things like stealing hotel room keys just to have sex just then. or standing in a ridiculous pharmacy staring blankly at their questionable assortment of condoms trying to decide which might, perhaps, maybe just work enough. but that was after we had had a little fight. and then i remember that there were also times when it was just the two of us when there wasn't much to say, when we were both drawing a blank. part of me thinks that's totally normal. part of me thinks that happens with everyone. but part of me wonders if, as he said, there was never a 'spark.' maybe there wasn't. was i just attached to the sex? but then i know i wasn't. for whatever reason, he was someone who got to see all of me. literally every corner inside and out. i don't know why i felt okay telling him everything but i did. maybe he wasn't asking for it. maybe it was too much on my part and i should have been more guarded. and maybe i should have. but how could i have felt more comfortable talking to him than i ever have talking to any other boy before. the sex.. that was also me. i guess i wanted it. he wanted it too though. he could have said no. it doesn't always have to be the girl who says no if it doesn't feel right. so i guess because of all of this what happened happened and i loved it and maybe began to love him a teensy bit too.

but now where do we go. what do we do now that we are back in that city and it isn't the same. what is it that made us both miss each other more than a little bit this summer. what were we missing. now i don't know how to be friends with him. i can hardly look him in the eyes because he will so easily be able to see how i'm feeling. we both suck at hiding our feelings. i'm afraid that even looking him in the eyes, hugging him goodbye, will give away the fact that if he asked me today if i wanted to be his girlfriend, i'd say yes. but why do i want that still? practically, i know there were some major no's in the picture. but when your heart gets so involved how can it be totally wrong. i don't want him to know that i might still like him. i want more than anything for him to be my friend and for me just to want to be friends with him. but i need him to be supportive i think. i wish he could just know that i still like him, but know that i'm trying to get over it. i wish he could try to get me to talk about other guys with him. maybe that would be too awkward but maybe it would solidify in my mind his position as just my friend. today is sunday and all i want to do is hang out with him, but what if he doesn't want to hang out with me. or what if i want to hang out, but as soon as we do i can't do it. what if i can't stop thinking of him as more than friends.

family portrait

triciamary via jpgmag

yesterday i told my best friend that i was not ready to let him go

unknown

"I believe that you, for the past few weeks have been noticing this. It's nothing dangerous or serious, but I need to get this of my chest. Lately, I've been growing feelings for you. I don't expect that you'll have feelings for me in return, but I want to make sure that there's no misunderstanding, and I want to know how you feel about me."

I finally made myself tell him, while crying hysterically on the phone with my best friend.
I finally made myself tell him that I feel.
That I feel for him, in a way that he does not feel for me.

Yesterday I cried because he had told my best friend that he knows that we have to stop what we're doing.
Yesterday I told my best friend that I was not ready to let him go. Not yet.
Yesterday I was not ready to let him go.

For the past eight weeks we have shared a very physical relationship.
For the past eight weeks my highs have been the highest I have ever had, and the lows have been so very low.
I have never been as happy as when I am with him, and I have never cried this much.
Just because I have known that he is not at his happiest when he is with me.

I know that I remind him about things that he would rather forget.
I know that I remind him everytime we meet, about the time he was cheating with me.
I know that I remind him about one of the most heartbreaking times of his life.

And that is why he will never feel for me in the way that I feel for him.

But, at least, I finally made myself tell him.

-M

you're impossible

ffffound

i want it gone. all gone.

unknown

Love is hurting me again,
Love is making me cry again.
It's aching in places that didn't ache before.

I say quietly to myself, Please.. Please let me be. Please stop hurting me.
The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.

Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting his picture from your computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in your life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone. Unrequited love is the most cruelest love out there. I'm in love, all alone. It's been a year since we broke up, of course I'm all alone, what am I thinking? Sorry it's the love gas talking. But it's so strange to be in it all by myself. If he was still in love like I am, he'll be back right? He would tell me, wouldn't he? Here's the thing: Why do we question love? Love should be blunt and straight forward. If he loves you, he'll come back. He'll come back.... Or am I bullshitting myself? There goes the question mark again. I need to get myself out of this loop. I'm in love with a man who doesn't even keep in touch with me anymore. I'm in love with a guy who, I'm pretty sure, doesn't think about me on a daily basis like I do with him. Fuck.

Only because I miss the guy who wouldn't let me get off the phone until he fell asleep.
Only because I miss the guy who was willing to drive 2 hours to come see me.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he loved me first and blushed like a little boy.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he wanted to be with me forever.
Only because he assured me that long distance won't stop him from loving me, that, "I can do it. Don't you worry about that."
The list goes on and on..

We broke it off amicably. The long distance was just too difficult. But we still loved eachother. We said "I love you" before we decided that this wasn't going to work.

That's why I'm here still drowning in that love.
It never left me.
So now I'm alone in love.
I tell myself, "It didn't work for a reason. It's been a year. You've got to move on."
But I always lose that arguement with myself.
I'm lost in love.

The past couple months have been the darkest days of my life. The time is only stretching more and more. And I'm still where I started. The walking wounded.

The unrequited love.
Doesn't matter how many drinks you have with your girlfriends. Because you still go to bed going over every detail, the what if's, the why's, that time you told him "Long distance is hard, I've tried it. I'm not willing to go through it again if you don't think you'll be able to handle it." He reponded with, "Don't worry. I love you too much." and like an idiot, I believed him. Sometimes you even convince yourself that he'll see the light and drive 2 hours to show up at your door.
I'm still waiting for little pieces of my soul to fall back into place. But how much longer? Does time really heal all wounds? Seems like time isn't on my side on this one..

It's been so long since I've seen you (heart pounding)
I miss you so much (throat thickening)
But I need the little pieces of my soul back, however long that may be (absolutely can't swallow)

- Anonymous.

the kind of feeling

ffffound

for a savior/ for saving me

unknown

This is for a savior .
I was found a couple of weeks ago, tired of everything. I was ready to give up not only love but school and all that reminded me of home. Along with a number of events, I dug myself a hole where I seemed to lose myself in panic and confusion. But somehow, one night, I was found by this beautiful person, with a heart of an angel. The first night we talked uninterruptedly for six hours, and we continued to talk the next day and the next and the next... After a week when we finally met, we continued to talk. We spoke with words and looks and smiles,.
The other night.-
He kissed me, and it felt like I was falling apart. It felt like he had picked stars from the sky and let them flood through my veins. I shone.
He took my hand as he walked me home; I smiled all night long.
Before I knew it, time passed and I am where I am today. these few weeks, these twelve days feel like months. and there's so much more of this story but it's just details. What matters is that these weeks have given me hope, a light to count on. I know for sure that my heart lies in his his hands; I'm not afraid. His eyes tells me that nothing can go wrong. His heart tells me I am happiness. His words are nothing but the truth.
I know now, for sure, that there are saviors in this world.
They may be rare, but they are there.
He is amazing. I am happiness.

-R ♥ E
__________________________________________________________________________

he saved me.

for a very long time i was deeply depressed.

in a long-term relationship but still feeling lonely

emotionally neglected and taken for granted.

i started to believe i was naturally melancholic

and felt i was destined to live this kind of life

but one day

i saw my childhood crush

after 8 years of silence

and the first day he saw me

he told me he loved me.

i laughed and thought

he was being silly.

but he never let me go

and now a year has passed since that day

and now i'm with him

and finally happy

and at peace

with myself

love

and life.

i thank him

for saving me.

if it wasn't for neale

i wouldn't have a

clue where i

would be

right

now.

i want to share this lil' story

with you

because i

truly believed

it was

impossible to

find real love

but i swear

i found it

i know i have

and have hope

and know

that others will too.

its always

the person

you least

expect.

- galatea

love knot

wecanfind

hope you all had a lovely weekend!

he says he doesn't know what love is

zimba

all of your emails are so inspiring. i get SO many everyday and wish i could post it all, but that would mean blogging 24 hours a day. thanks to all who have submitted and thanks to A for this email:

Alright. So here I am, 2.30am in the morning, going home from work, my heart is in so much pain, I am trying to find some sort of logical reason how that person who I am keep trying to establish a healthy relationship just let me lose him again.

He says he doesn't know what love is. He says he has never felt it. Only has been told that it's something amazing and fantastic and wonderful... But he doubts he has ever experienced it.
This made me want to find the right way to explain it to him - or maybe just to myself - what LOVE is.

Because I've been there, it happened to me. I guess love is an instant thing. It's either there or not. And it happens so quickly, you don't even notice it.
When you meet with that special person the first time, you know nothing about each other. Nothing at all. And despite all the rationality something just happen. You want to spend hours with that person, you want to just listen to what he/she says - even if it would be a big pile of rubbish if it'd come out from somebody else's mouth.
He/she makes you laugh like no others.
You can be the strongest, most confident person in the whole wide World, but you just can't stop those shaky legs, don't seem to be able to put one sensible sentence together - nor stop talking because you are too worried it will get awkward and weird.
At the end of the night of your first date you wish time would stop there and then at that perfect moment - when only the two of you exist in the Universe - would never end.
You've just said goodbye 5 minutes ago but you already feel like you have many new stories to tell him/her.
You can't sleep because all you can think of how great you felt with that person and you are trying to figure how can it be so easy and smooth.
You get changed several times before the next date because you want to make sure you look your best and he/she just won't be able to take his/her eyes off you.
And then all of a sudden this person becomes part of your every moment in the day.
You can't focus at work, keep recalling those perfect nights together, call in sick because you want to stay in bed with him/her as long as possible, you are so proud of this person in your life that you want to introduce him/her to everyone from the local postman to you best friends and your family, and this is the person who is the reason why you cancel dinner with your best friend...

And then.. You realize that so much time gone past and that person is still there. And you became one very special and unique thing together that you never want to lose. Hopefully it lasts for a while.

But there are times when it comes to an end. And I don't know why. I guess as us, humans constantly growing, developing, making changes and decisions in our lives as individuals; creates the chance to grow apart.

And it hurts. And seems like the end of the World has came. And you suffer. Can't eat or sleep. Want to hate the one, think of every bad and negative you can just remember of but still can't hate him/her.
This is love. Still. Even if it's now making you suffer.

And then it starts again.
And you are putting your heart out there for someone else who might break it, but who cares when it's feels soooo good to have that warm and fuzzy feeling inside for whatever long it lasts? :)
-A.

you fill me with sunshine

jaime ibarra + weheartit

every year as long as I will live

image: mommyaddictedtoscraps

thank you to patricia for sending me this story:

I've got a part-time job as a telemarketer. Not the greatest of jobs but, not working of comission anymore, I've actually started to like it. Everyday I get to talk to people and hear them telling me stories from their lives. Stories I'd never hear if I hadn't tried desperately to sell them a subscription of a newspaper.

A few weeks ago I had a very interesting conversation with an old man.
I asked him if he was interesting in getting a subscription of the local paper. He replied by telling me that if I was wondering why he had hoist the flag it was because his wife would have been turning 85 today if she were still alive.

I told him that I really thought that was a very sweet thing to do. The old man agreed and said "I will keep doing this every year as long as I will live."

While listening to him telling me about his beloved wife a wamth spread in my chest and my eyes were prickling. Eventually I wished him a nice day and ended the call.

I had a smile glued to my face for the rest of the day. Not because he bought the subscription but because of the picture I had stuck in my head of an old man looking up at the flag pole in his backyard and smiling.

This made me believe a little bit in love. True love that lasts forever.

i need

ffffound

the love you have for a best friend

thank you to T for the lovely email + images...

Dear LeLove,

Let me just start off by saying I absolutely adore your blog and look forward to new posts and updates when I'm sitting at my desk at work with nothing to do. ( and luckily its one of the sites I actually have access to.)

I know a lot of the posts are dealing with boyfriend/girlfriend romantic love and relationships. As much as I enjoy reading the cute, sad, touching, amazing stories about this type of love, I think an extremely special form of love has been left out.

The love I am referring to is the love you have for a best friend. It’s unique and so important to have. It’s more than just affection for someone; it’s a deep underlying connection. The comfort of knowing you can tell them everything, and not have worry about being judged. The first person you tell when something exciting happens, or when something scary happens. The person you turn to when you need to vent. The person you can laugh at because they will just laugh back at you. The person you need to tell things to so your brain doesn’t explode. The person who can make you feel better when you’re having a tough day, the one you turn to for advice. . The person you can have full conversations with by merely exchanging glances. And maybe most importantly, the one you tell all your secrets to, especially boy secrets.

Someone once told me they thought it was creepy how my best friends and I said “I love you” to each other often. I told them: I think when you love someone; you can’t help but sound at least a little creepy. Love is love. No matter if it’s for your Mom, your cat, a boy, or your best friend. And when you are lucky enough to have people to love, and be loved, you need to let them know how thankful you are for that, and how much you love them back...

- T.

have a LOVEly weekend

weheartit

i will be away for this long weekend. have a great labor day!

xo

miss her when she’s not there

ffffound

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there." -Bob Marley

thanks kate!