Wednesday, September 16, 2009

i want it gone. all gone.


Love is hurting me again,
Love is making me cry again.
It's aching in places that didn't ache before.

I say quietly to myself, Please.. Please let me be. Please stop hurting me.
The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.

Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting his picture from your computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in your life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone. Unrequited love is the most cruelest love out there. I'm in love, all alone. It's been a year since we broke up, of course I'm all alone, what am I thinking? Sorry it's the love gas talking. But it's so strange to be in it all by myself. If he was still in love like I am, he'll be back right? He would tell me, wouldn't he? Here's the thing: Why do we question love? Love should be blunt and straight forward. If he loves you, he'll come back. He'll come back.... Or am I bullshitting myself? There goes the question mark again. I need to get myself out of this loop. I'm in love with a man who doesn't even keep in touch with me anymore. I'm in love with a guy who, I'm pretty sure, doesn't think about me on a daily basis like I do with him. Fuck.

Only because I miss the guy who wouldn't let me get off the phone until he fell asleep.
Only because I miss the guy who was willing to drive 2 hours to come see me.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he loved me first and blushed like a little boy.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he wanted to be with me forever.
Only because he assured me that long distance won't stop him from loving me, that, "I can do it. Don't you worry about that."
The list goes on and on..

We broke it off amicably. The long distance was just too difficult. But we still loved eachother. We said "I love you" before we decided that this wasn't going to work.

That's why I'm here still drowning in that love.
It never left me.
So now I'm alone in love.
I tell myself, "It didn't work for a reason. It's been a year. You've got to move on."
But I always lose that arguement with myself.
I'm lost in love.

The past couple months have been the darkest days of my life. The time is only stretching more and more. And I'm still where I started. The walking wounded.

The unrequited love.
Doesn't matter how many drinks you have with your girlfriends. Because you still go to bed going over every detail, the what if's, the why's, that time you told him "Long distance is hard, I've tried it. I'm not willing to go through it again if you don't think you'll be able to handle it." He reponded with, "Don't worry. I love you too much." and like an idiot, I believed him. Sometimes you even convince yourself that he'll see the light and drive 2 hours to show up at your door.
I'm still waiting for little pieces of my soul to fall back into place. But how much longer? Does time really heal all wounds? Seems like time isn't on my side on this one..

It's been so long since I've seen you (heart pounding)
I miss you so much (throat thickening)
But I need the little pieces of my soul back, however long that may be (absolutely can't swallow)

- Anonymous.


  1. Painful.
    But real.
    And beautiful in a twisted, sad, way.
    I feel sorry for the woman who wrote this.

  2. oh my god.
    i can relate almost 100%.

  3. If anything I commend this lady for pouring her thoughts and feelings and heart out! This lady is brilliant she feels! You have a heart, a mind, a memory you have passion and I thnk in wriing this you have recognized this instead of bottling it up! Time! Time will make this better! You will find something wonderful that will fill that void! Something you hold inside of you that brings you happiness and defines you as the brilliant individual you are! Look back on the memories but know that you are in the present and watch the movie great expectations and have great expectations for love for live for living the dream you fall asleep to!

  4. this is exactly how i feel
    its hurts me even more, yet is oddly comforting to know that someone is going through this immense pain as well

  5. My heart goes to you, you who is feeling this. I am not in this place now, but oh my goodness, I know it's different and painful and unique and tough crap for anyone who goes through their version of this. Be easy on you.


    Also, I can relate completely.

    You will be loved again.

    Chin up.

  7. whoever posted this, you are not alone. i miss him so much. i go through my days, half of the time fighting off missing him. the only reason why we aren't together is because we now go to college in different states. is it pathetic that sometimes to fall asleep i think about our happy memories together or that i imagine what it would be like if we lived in the same place? i'm afraid i'll be stuck feeling this way. and when i see him next, he'll be fine. does he miss me? does it matter? i wish love was straight forward...

  8. you are brave and beautiful i can see by our words they speak vividly to me. I know how you feel its only been three months for me he ended it after our beautiful trip to paris. Something inside of me told me you only hurt now the pain will pass so I keep telling myself this each day and along with that I say a prayer to remain open to love no matter what and release the bitterness to become beautiful flowers.

    if you get a chance check out this site. its wounded by love agreement written by a famous author enjoy. and the pain is only temporary even if its been a year it will pass.

  9. Fuck, this hits too close to home. Especially the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind reference. I ALWAYS WISH FOR THAT.

  10. you need answers.
    you need them now.
    drop what you're doing and go to him.
    long distance sucks. pride sucks. the questions suck.
    stop everything and get the answers to your questions because they will haunt you for years to come.

    and if you find that he doesn't think of you or miss you or love you- that's at least a step.
    a step towards you moving on.

    damn. if i knew you, we'd go to coffee, have a good cry together and then try to figure this shit out.

    good luck.

  11. BEAUTIFUL. i'm practically in tears!

  12. Wow. I was reading this thinking "I'm going through this too" :\ I hope this person gets through it all. :)

  13. Reading this made my heart drop. I told my girl before school started that I wanted her back. She lives in College Station right now and I am in Houston. I came to visit her and poured my heart out but yet... she still rejected me. We went out for 10 months (i count it as 1.5 yrs since we talked forever) i am still in the same positin as you. I go and party it up or get high but its just a temporary distraction... but once I am alone all these what if's and old emotions just rush back... an I am also in this Love Lost predicament...

    =[ ahhh how much its aching!

    I need to find a better love.

  14. Oh jesus. I feel the same, and it burns every time it crosses my mind.

  15. i am in australia for two months now. my boyfriend is still in germany and i come back in 9 fucking months. i don't know how to survive this long time without him. we write e.mails, letters, we talk on skype and msn but he is not there. we write where we want to be kissed by the other but we can only dream of it. it huts so much. and we are only 4 months together. i am 15 and he turns 17 in november but he asked me to marry him. i don't know where this feeling comes from, but it feels this isn't just a romance. this feels like he's the boy of my life. i hope he is.. i hope he never stops loving me and never hooks up with another girl. not when he's angry with me and never.

    i miss him so much..

  16. oh holly crapp,I feel the same way as you do.exactly.breaking off amicably and only to find myself (almost) two years down the road and still loving him silently.and when i saw him the other day,all i did was run away): -hugss


  17. I've been on the same position 9 months ago. I wished that the eternal sunshine is possible too. I thought I won't be able to heal from the pain that the relationship caused me. For months I wished that I could change things. But I realise that the only things that I can change is ME. Be good to yourself and do things that you like. I found this blog very helpful in my recovery. Hope it helps you too. :)

  18. It is very oddly comforting that there are so many people in the world that feel this way. It's so utterly heartbreaking too. I think it's good that some of us can write about it. I don't know when (or if) it gets easier, don't know if it gets better. But we have each other in this, don't we? Who knows if it's the right thing to do to go see him, or if the right thing is to delete him completely. No matter our choices, we can be here for each other.

  19. Urgh. Unrequited love sucks. It's just the worst. It's absolute bullshit. I would kill for Eternal Sunshine.

    However heartbreaking this story is, it is beautifully written.

  20. True love waits
    In haunted attics
    And true love lives
    On lollipops and crisps

    Just don't leave
    Don't leave

    lovely true

  21. Makes me so sad... I am doing long distance right now (blogging about that as a matter of fact) and I pray so hard that I don't end up here. Hugs and love.

  22. i'v gone through basiclly the same thing. i remember the feeling of emptyness and how you hate the fact that hope is the last thing that leaves you. but somehow i got through it and i'm stronger because of it. don't give up on yourself, you vill get through this. and how much it sucks to hear, but it will take time. just don't isolate yourself, even if that's what you want. go out and pretend to have fun, and i promise sometimes you will actually have fun then.

  23. be sure that you will find someone amazing even if you can´t think about it now!! believe me :)

  24. I certainly love this blog, but this is outstanding ! It touched my soul, describe my pain I've felt during this spring, all "thanks" to one person, my desperation to get my life back.
    You know when you laugh and really mean it, when you can think without getting a knife in your heart because you just couldn't keep yourself from thinking about him.
    But you know what ? I gave myself time, I forced myself to tell him the truth about my feelings, and that was a turningpoint. I found my sparkle again.
    Be true to yourself, it will set you free and soon you're going to find a way back to love.

  25. Sad yet beautiful.

    This seems kind of feeble compared to this post but nevertheless I nominated you for a blog award by the way.

  26. Practically everyone (self included) in this thread of comments is suffering from some form of attachment. In the real world we are without the services of Lacuna to have them removed from our memories. But by understanding one's attachments, one can go a long way towards mitigating them and accepting what is. Borrowing from

    We don’t see the target of our desires as they are, but rather, our fantasy about them. Our attachment is to the concept rather than the actual target, and it is very important to note that our concepts are usually distorted; we only see what supports it.

    Take a hard look at your attachments...see them for what they really are.

    How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
    The world forgetting, by the world forgot
    Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
    Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

  27. I can relate to this all too well. Long distance rips you apart... it's been tearing me to pieces for the past year. But no matter how much it hurts, all the pain in the world is worth seeing his face & spending the rest of my life with him.

  28. Excellent picture with this. A beloved movie of mine...:)

    Reading about long-distance breakups scares me, because in less than a year, that's where I will be.

  29. That is one of the best films ever! I love it

  30. I could completely relate. This just made me really emotional. I always fall for the long distance boy. And every time we separate we both know if we lived closer it would work. We ALWAYS say it. I;m all teary right now because when I read it I thought of one guy in particular. It hurts. I haven't seen him in almost a year, but we still talk.

  31. Beautiful... Unbelievable how much I can relate to this. Every detail! Luckily those dark times do pass... But it does take a lot of time... But pain, yes, it really hurts!

  32. ... sigh. this is the only post that can relate to my broken heart.

  33. I loved this movie but at the same time I felto so afraid, would some day someone erase me? It's painful to lose love, and it's hard to suffer, maybe even harder to stop suffering, but I really believe it's something qe must go trough, so that we learn, so that the wound heals and so that we can love again and even more than before.

    "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind each prayer accepted and each wish resigned.."

  34. This is also one of my favorite movies... I love this site because I feel like it's almost group therapy. This is how I've been feeling all month... Utterly lost, and in this dark place. It's so comforting knowing there is someone else feeling the same way... And still someone else who got through it.

    Thank you.

  35. Beautifully wrote.. im in tears..

  36. wow. this is crazy that i just happened to read this right now. It's like me reading my own writing to myself. It's been a year for me as well..we dated for six months..and i am still in love with him even though we no longer talk. thanks for least i know i'm not alone.

  37. i have been feeling the exact same and in the same situation where the guy no matter how wonderful is or was at the time doesnt call anymore but instead of saying "i love you" i gave him my v-card which i was saving till marriage or at least for someone i would be spending the rest of my life with as husband and wife, a best friend or something as simple as friend you see once in a while. i went away for 5 months and supressed memories of him but i came back all those memories and feelings came back. time did not help, distance did not help. the only thing that has gotten me out of this mess and helped me to move on with my life is life.

    Life is the answer! GOD didnt create a population for decoration. I got involved in social events, reconnected with old friends and eventually, after 4 months of thinking about him every minute of every day i am ready to move on living MY life. i love and care about him and i always will but this is it. this is my life and im ready to live it and experience it to the full potential. i will find "the one" one day but until then i have to be okay with myself and become established and great at who i am and when i met "the one" it will be even greater and more intense than the love i once thought i knew

  38. everything this woman wrote here, represents how I feel ( until now ) after all, guys are, some how, full of bullshits.

  39. i can relate...
    sounds like you also liked the movie "The Holiday"... a good one... maybe we can take heart when we look at how that end evolved.
    i say, talk to him, get it out...
    don't want to have stupid regrets... those will kill your life more...
    take care.

  40. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of him maybe missing me one day. We were together 2 and a half years, just over a year ago now and there isn't an hour that goes past when something doesn't remind me of him or I'll start daydreaming about him. He was my best friend, he knew me like nobody else ever will. I'm only 17 and I already feel like life just isn't worth without him.
    This blog doesn't help me stop thinking about him one bit, it only makes me long for him more, but this one post just reminded me that I'm not alone in being in one-sided love. So thank-you.

  41. Wow this really hit home. I feel exactly the same. Me and my boyfriend broke up about one month ago and i'm hurting so bad. Reading this kinda made me scared though. I'm trying to look ahead and i'm thinking soon i will see the light soon i will wake up in the morning without this lump in my stomache but like you said does time really heal all wounds? We never had a long distance realationship but we also broke up saying i love you to each other which just makes it so much harder. i thought love could survive anything but know i know it can't.

  42. this made my heart cry. i am currently in a similar situation yet i am married to another man. i feel so awful on so many levels, because i have all those great things with my husband but yet i want them from this other man. a man that told me he loved me, he wanted me, and now he is gone. i need those little pieces of my soul back too. so i can give them back to my husband who loves me so, & who i love so much. i know its all my fault & that i only have myself to blame. even though i hope that time will take the ache away, i feel like time is just making it worse. time is certainly not on my side either. thank you so much for sharing this. in some strange way i feel better that this will all work out. thank you again.

  43. This text really touches my heart. I can relate to almost everything that this text represents. It's been seven months and I'm still not over him, although I try, almost every single day.
    Things remind me of him all the time. I can't even sleep sometimes because I have anxiety, anxiety that I didn't do enough or tried more. Now I'm just afraid it's too late.

    Thank you for perhaps the world's gorgeous blog.

  44. The same shiz happened to me. Sigh):

  45. this blog consistently shows me stories of love and heartache that are me. this is almost exactly the story behind my current heartache, and it never ceases to comfort me to know that i'm not alone in my pain--that there are so many other beautiful people out there hurting the same hurt that i am, and that we'll all be ok.

  46. This comment has been removed by the author.

  47. Hang in there. It hurts like hell, but remember, This Too Shall Pass. Ride it. Remember it. But don't let it stop you from loving again. Because you will, and it will be better than before.

  48. I've been here before. Its the most excruciating and painful experience. My first love was a long distance relationship - from California to New York. We were both stupid to think we could lessen the distance through excessive phone conversations. But I loved him, so I would never have thought of doing anything else but trying. He hurt me more than I ever expected. He was my best friend and losing him was the hardest thing I have ever been through. It took me almost a year to finally stop thinking about him every day, to finally stop wishing anyone else was him. But it did happen. Life goes on after love. Because sooner or later, you will meet someone new who excites your heart even more so than that other person once did. And I cant tell you its the best thing in the world. I think that right now, you are still in love with the person you once knew. But the truth is, too much time has passed and you no longer know him. The person you are in love with no longer exists. He has changed. It takes a while to accept this fact, until you really open your eyes and somehow see how different this guy is now. He's not the same person you loved. You deserve someone who makes you feel even better than this man did. You deserve to be happy again. And after all the pain you are going through, I have no doubt that you will.


    PLEASE watch this.
    I broke up with him 3 years ago! and not a day goes by that i don't think of him but when i look back when i REALLY look back it was right then but not anymore...I have since met my husband and the father of my son and although this is a completely different love because i DO love this man...the other one sticks around but time heals EVERYTHING and you begin to understand that the what ifs would have NEVER worked. good luck with everything! :)

  50. Love Love Love this! Beautifully written. I feel it...a 100%, your not alone!

  51. I love your blog. But why are most of the photos not credited? You should always list where you found them, otherwise it's really dodgy to me. I would definitely be upset if you were posting my photos on here without credit or permission.
    It's a simple gesture that doesn't take much time to do. Otherwise it's somewhat thievery.

  52. The writer said "i'm lost in love"

    That's exactly it. She and many of us too often think we're in love with someone. But really, we're in love with love, the feeling of being in love.

    That whole segment about "Only because I miss the guy.."? That sums it up nicely. We just miss the person who could give us security and happiness and good feeling, who made us feel special. That person, simply was a means to an end and what we really wanted was not him/her but those feelings he/she could provide.

    So it really begs the question if all this while we're really just missing the point of what love really is.

  53. Imagine my surprise when the page loaded and there were my thoughts. All neatly printed and organized for me to finally understand my pain. Thank you to who ever wrote this.

  54. i can relate on everything except my bf dumped me because he said the love is gone.until now i am still in denial, i cannot believe he didnt love me.

  55. Nice references to 'The Holiday', don't you think you should have given full credit though? I mean, you took all your imagery from Kate Winslet movies...


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