Sunday, September 20, 2009

now i don't know how to be friends with him


tfs

i still don't know how i feel about him. it hurts my heart when he doesn't answer my phone calls or when he doesn't call me or text me forever. this summer he said he didn't know if he even remembered what it felt like when we were traveling, when it was so good and we were having fun. and i don't know if i'm remembering anymore either. but parts of me are. parts of me remember the good so intensely that i can't stop thinking about it. like talking forever on the roof or in the hammock. or doing ridiculous things like stealing hotel room keys just to have sex just then. or standing in a ridiculous pharmacy staring blankly at their questionable assortment of condoms trying to decide which might, perhaps, maybe just work enough. but that was after we had had a little fight. and then i remember that there were also times when it was just the two of us when there wasn't much to say, when we were both drawing a blank. part of me thinks that's totally normal. part of me thinks that happens with everyone. but part of me wonders if, as he said, there was never a 'spark.' maybe there wasn't. was i just attached to the sex? but then i know i wasn't. for whatever reason, he was someone who got to see all of me. literally every corner inside and out. i don't know why i felt okay telling him everything but i did. maybe he wasn't asking for it. maybe it was too much on my part and i should have been more guarded. and maybe i should have. but how could i have felt more comfortable talking to him than i ever have talking to any other boy before. the sex.. that was also me. i guess i wanted it. he wanted it too though. he could have said no. it doesn't always have to be the girl who says no if it doesn't feel right. so i guess because of all of this what happened happened and i loved it and maybe began to love him a teensy bit too.

but now where do we go. what do we do now that we are back in that city and it isn't the same. what is it that made us both miss each other more than a little bit this summer. what were we missing. now i don't know how to be friends with him. i can hardly look him in the eyes because he will so easily be able to see how i'm feeling. we both suck at hiding our feelings. i'm afraid that even looking him in the eyes, hugging him goodbye, will give away the fact that if he asked me today if i wanted to be his girlfriend, i'd say yes. but why do i want that still? practically, i know there were some major no's in the picture. but when your heart gets so involved how can it be totally wrong. i don't want him to know that i might still like him. i want more than anything for him to be my friend and for me just to want to be friends with him. but i need him to be supportive i think. i wish he could just know that i still like him, but know that i'm trying to get over it. i wish he could try to get me to talk about other guys with him. maybe that would be too awkward but maybe it would solidify in my mind his position as just my friend. today is sunday and all i want to do is hang out with him, but what if he doesn't want to hang out with me. or what if i want to hang out, but as soon as we do i can't do it. what if i can't stop thinking of him as more than friends.

25 comments:

  1. this hurts my heart because it's so close to home.

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  2. hello, I love your blog, I go every day, in order not write more because my English is very bad

    greetings from Uruguay: D

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  3. yes this does hit a little too too close to home. but things will ultimately get better. they have to.

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  4. ahh.. it seems as though there are never any definitive answers..only questions. Maybe there's nothing solid when you're heart's involved.

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  5. This is always a bitch of a situation. We all know that with a bit of distance and time the friendship could still be there. It's all in our minds anyway - if we dwell on it then we form attachments. If we distract ourselves for a time, it passes. But it's bloody hard to let go...

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  6. close to home here too... it's been a year and it's no easier. i hope the same doesn't prove true for you too.

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  7. omg you are so saying whats on my mind. ditto to i dont know how to be friends with him anymore.

    sigh.

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  8. hello oh my gosh i FEEL for you right now. literally, i do. i think that perhaps you are just right where you need to be right now! however painful and terrible you may be feeling at this exact moment, take a breath and just see the beauty of the whole situation and all the great things you got out of it and who knows where it will go but that is neither here nor there and not for you to ponder every day !!! ok ? so. focus on the present, focus on you and stop thinking about him, things will work out just as they should.

    ok that all sounds like a load of bullshitty cheesy crap, i tried. it sucks! it such a mind takeover and hey even a year later for me it still is. how is that even possible? i dont. know.

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  9. Close to tears. Beautiful text, awful experience.

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  10. It will be okay. Just give yourself time.

    God, I love this blog.

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  11. this might make some people feel better. i don't know if its the exception but still.

    i've been single for the last two years. before that i was involved in a relationship for 5 1/2 years. i ended it because i felt it didn't feel right anymore. still i always did and still value him as a person. we had our difficulties in the past (didn't speak for about 4 months at all!). he got drunk a lot, i was flirting a lot. we stayed in contact all the time. then just about six months ago he told me he met someone new. i was depressed at first and happy for him then. i didn't work out with her and he turned to me to talk aboutr it. since that day i can truely call us friends again.

    you can't force anyone to love you. in my experience it's essential that you love the person and not only being with him/her.

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  12. Hey, Le Love poster....
    I used to love looking at this blog and being inspired or touched or heart-melted by the amazing pictures...now it seems to have morphed into everyone's sad/sappy/sometimes cute stories of their personal love lives. I'm not saying that those are bad at all, but would you ever consider getting a different blog for them or something? There is obviously a need for something like that....
    I guess I would just much rather stick to the amazing pictures and quotes, than read a hundred different girls' stories. Don't get me wrong...I feel them, I really do. I'm going through the hardest relationship things I've ever been through. I guess that's why...Because I'd like to look at a blog that inspires me to believe that love is happy, true and meaningful, instead of one that reminds me of how insecure girls (including myself) can be sometimes, and hear depressing or unrealistic stories.

    that's all.
    i really do love your blog...mostly.
    you have done a fantastic job with the pics!

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  13. Lovely text, it really touched me.

    I just adore your blog, it´s the only one I read EVERY single day!!

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  14. I loved this, especially the bit saying: "but when your heart gets so involved how can it be totally wrong."
    Beautiful. <3

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  15. i am in the same situation aas you are!
    i dont know what to do anymore..
    i just feel so bad for me and you! :(

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  16. i broke up with my boyfriend one sunday before this, and im glad i read this. all the things that ive been trying to explain to myself is here, everything that i want to tell him is here. you took the thoughts out of my head, and through my eyes and on to words.

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  17. I just found your blog today. One word: amazing. It's too bad that I'm in a hurry, but I will certainly come back again. I need to read more of the stories here, maybe share my own sometime.. I just read a couple of the stories on here and I must say one of them made me cry. It's incredible how much you can miss someone.

    Thanks for keeping the blog up, great job :)

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  18. touche'

    its encouraging yet sad at the same time to know others who are going through similar experiences and feelings.

    everything you said just echoes so truly i could hardly believe my eyes at first.

    its a huge swinging seesaw of emotions - denial, depression, angst, frustration. hang in there : )

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  19. just exactly what i feel..after hanging on this 5-year relationship.

    should we or could we end it?

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  20. I just walk away. Now I’m miserable, but it’s for our own good.

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  21. I don’t know! But if you still love each other then why not stay together.

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  22. Oh god, I just have to say that i completely love your blog. Im a reader from Sweden and it just make me happy every day to read it. Most of the time it makes me cry but thats just because its so beautiful! Im in love with a guy i think likes me back, but he's just to scare to admit it. He says that im the best girl he have ever met but he's to scared of giving it a try and it just makes me sad. I have several times tried to ignored him and not returned his calls but he just keeps trying to keep in touch with me. I dont know how to solve this beacause i really like him but im scared of getting hurt if i tell him how i feel.

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