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ephebic bears
Dear J,
I remember our first kind of contact like it all happened yesterday, it was September 2011. We were at our local football club that we both play for and you were outside, dancing and goofing around just like you always do. I couldn’t do anything but laugh at you, you were so damn funny with your stupid moves and crazy smile. I already knew you for seven years, but we never really got in touch before that day, you were always just a guy I used to see on the weekends with my cousin and your other friends. But suddenly there was this thing, like when you meet someone and you just know that they are going to be in your life, and you don’t really know why and if you want them to yet, but you kind of have no choice but letting them in, just because you know they’ve got something special about them that you have to figure out, you know? Well that was kind of the deal with you, I didn’t know what you were going to mean to me in the near-future but I really wanted to figure it out.
So I let you in, and in a very short period of time I realised that I had found someone who was going to mean the world to me, who I trusted like no one else. My best friend. We talked about everything, we had funny conversations about our friends or about stupid imaginations we always made up, and we had serious conversations, about our home situations, life, the fact that my boyfriend was all the way in South-Africa for 6 months. I really missed my boyfriend you know, but you helped me get through, you kind of did everything he would do for me, but still it was a total platonic relationship, and I enjoyed every second we spent together. You made me laugh, oh I don’t think you even know how much you made me laugh...
If I could only knew how much you could make me cry too back then.
And when my boyfriend came home in January, I couldn’t just put you aside, you became too damn important for me. I couldn’t just let this whole amazing friendship get taken away from me just because my boyfriend wasn’t really pleased with it. So a few months after my boyfriend's return it happened, our first kiss, we were walking alone in the dark, while our friends were walking ahead of us. I made a joke about the fact that you would never dare to kiss me, you were laughing at me and simply said: “watch me”, and you kissed me. And that was it, the end of life as I knew it. From that moment on I knew that you had to be the person I would spend the rest of my life with, and that I had been in love with you since that first moment we met and you did that stupid dance with your crazy smile.
But I denied it to myself and to everyone who was only a bit curious about you and me, because yeah, everybody saw what we had. Nobody could place it. But everybody saw it.
Still I didn’t want to admit it, because I knew this was the most wrong thing to do, and I loved my boyfriend right? I did right? I didn’t know anymore. The only thing I knew is that I wanted to be with you, even though we both agreed on the fact that the kiss was just a joke. It was all just one big joke and we didn’t have any feelings for each other at all. You were like my brother and I was like your sister, and that was at all it was. That should have been all it was.
But the days went by and I couldn’t get myself away from you, I knew our kiss wouldn’t be our last kiss, and you knew it too.
And so our second kiss happened after a week, and our third, and the fourth, and so on... Kisses and love, in combination with late night talks on benches besides the water.
You know what the worst thing was? I fell for you, I kissed you, I loved you, and I didn’t feel bad, I didn’t feel bad at all and the only thing I wished for was loving you for the rest of my life. So I broke up with my boyfriend, hoping we could become what I wanted us to become (even though at the time, I still didn’t realise what I wanted back then; a relationship). I agreed to become ‘friends with benefits’ with you. That was a good agreement for us both we thought, that would be fun, that would be awesome, because we didn’t have any feelings for each other and we couldn’t have a relationship anyway. You told me, “we are good for each other, but people won’t like the fact of us together, so it’s better this way right?” Right.
So that was our relationship for 3 months, 3 months of fun and laughter, 3 months of craziness and goofing around. And then I saw you in the bar with her, I saw you talking to her, but I didn’t really expect you to ever fall for her. Until 2 weeks later when you told me “I’m going on a date with the girl from the bar.”
And now we’re 2 years later since the day in September, and you’ve been dating her for 9 months now and I still can’t believe it. The day you told me that you were with her now, that you loved her and that you didn’t need me anymore. The day you told me that we were back to being “friends”. That was the day I had to admit to myself that I loved you, that I loved you more than anything else in this whole wide world. I still can’t believe that that day had to happen to me. We’re 2 years later now and I still love you. I love you to bits and I don’t know if I can ever love someone else that way ever. I just don’t think I can. We’re not even friends anymore now, you’re too scared to look at me when she’s around, you’re too scared to talk to me when she’s around. And the worst part? You are not the person you were anymore, you’ve become the person you always said you hated. The one stuck to his girlfriend, with no life beside her. You became the person you never wanted to be. The kind of person we used to laugh at.
And now, you’re not even wishing me a happy birthday anymore, you don’t even say hi when she’s around, and it took me all of my courage to invite you to my birthday and graduation party this summer, but you just didn’t show up. We agreed to have a talk about the way things were going now, and you didn’t show up. And that was the point where I knew I had to break all of the few contact I had with you. But you know what they say “you can delete their numbers of your phone, you can delete them as friend from Facebook, but you’ll never delete them from your heart.” And there’s nothing more true than that.
For me, you will always be that guy with the goofy dance and the crazy smile that I loved from the first moment on. I wish you the best, I really do. I love you and I hope you’ve found the love of your life and that you’ll be happy with her. And if you won’t, I’ll be here. Because I remember how we sat there, talking slowly and laughing, looking at the stars, when we were only just friends. You told me that nothing could ever break us, that I was one of the best things in your life so far. And I believed you. You told me “I’ll never leave you alone, and if you feel used or hurt, I’m there.” And I know you are still somehow there, you just don’t want to show it anymore.
I will always love you x L
