the wait will be worth it

ph: weheartit

All my life, I've been in and out of relationships. Bad guys, good guys, obsessive guys, nice guys, I've dated them. Last Dec, I ended the last relationship after he turned possessive, because I knew I didn't have a future together with him.

I was weak. All my life I was weak, foolish, and dependent. I'm glad to say that in the year 2011, I grew up. I stayed single for the longest time I could remember. I didn't have a guy to fetch me anywhere I wanted, to dine with at any restaurant I craved for, to take me out shopping when I demanded, or watch a movie with me when I
felt like it.

And it's been the best teacher I could ever have. Sure there were lonely moments, low moments. There were weak moments I wished ever so badly I had a good and loving boyfriend. But everyday I grew a little stronger. Everyday, I grew more at ease with myself, I complained less and I loved my family and friends a little more.

I know that someday I will love again. But I'm not going to sit around and wait impatiently for that day to come. I'm not going to rush into yet another relationship that isn't going to last, just because he smiled at me and gave me butterflies. I'm going to live life to the fullest, and appreciate the little things in life.

Because I know that one day, the wait will be worth it.

give a heart to someone you love

ph: weheartit

happy almost 1st year

ph: weheartit

It's been a year since he and broke up and this is a letter that I wish I could send me but can't.

Dear J,

If you asked me last year where I saw myself in a year, I can tell you that this, all of this wasn't what I had in mind. The way things are in general are nothing like I thought they would be. People I've kept close to my heart have now become complete strangers. And people who were once strangers now mean so much to me. This past year has gone by so quickly. It almost feels like nothing has changed and yet when I slow down and think about it, nothing is the same. It's hard to believe how much can change in just a year. This time last year, things were completely different. I was completely different.

We've broken up for a year now. Right now, we're more than acquaintances but less than friends and maybe that's why it feels so strange when I see your name flash on my screen telling me you would like to start a conversation. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy our conversations. Hearing from you always puts a smile on my face. Simple one liners about how your day went. It's nice to know that I crossed your mind but it feels like whenever we do talk, there's a set of rules that we both have to adhere to. It feels like we can only talk about certain things, non-threatening things. We can't talk about our past because it's threatening. It makes me as uncomfortable as it makes you. We can only talk about things like the weather, school, music. I can't and I won't ask you about your girlfriend and you won't ask me anything personal. I feel like I don't have the right to tell you that I'm happy that you've found someone new, that she seems really lovely, with her long silky hair and sweet smile. I feel like I don't want the right to ask you anything personal and I think you feel the same. I remember you used to say that we're similar people and that I always knew what you were thinking. And that's the problem isn't it? Similar people can never get it right.

I censor myself a lot whenever we talk. Like when you told me how stressed out and sleep deprived you are because of your October exam. I wanted to say 'It's so typical of you to frustrate over the little things, things that you don't have to stress our over. You're smart, you'll do perfectly fine.' But instead, all I said was 'take care of yourself.' I guess I did that because I realized that if I could notice that little detail about you, then so can your girlfriend who has been with you for a much longer time than I did.

It's not that I'm not over you. I've moved on. We both have. It's just that a small part of me still misses you. Sometimes I find myself wishing that you would call and ask to see me. Nothing dramatic or elaborate - just us meeting up. Just the sound of your voice saying "I'm sorry, I miss you."

Happy almost 1st year.

Love always,
E