lost and found

photo credits: Lisa Smit + Pocket Fuel

what if

ph: yyellowbird // Cari Ann Wayman

You are kind of my summer romance. Except my love for you lasted.

Our story begun several years ago. I was only a child, but I remember everything. The first time I saw you, something inside of me lit up. We used to go to the same swimming school in summer. We spent day after day in the same place. I felt your presence, I felt your looks. I know we had something. But I only spoke to you on rare occasions. I was too afraid. I hadn’t met anyone like you. I had never seen eyes as intense as yours. One look into them and my whole universe started trembling. But days passed, and soon the summer was over. Back to reality. My summer dream was over.

This went on for a couple of years. I was so afraid. Couldn’t find the courage to talk to you (God knows how much I wanted to!) and it seemed you slipped away. Only, after one summer I knew I would see you every day. That feeling was amazing, but terrifying. New school, new people, expectations. And you. There you were, among all the other students. My heart stopped every time I saw you the first months. And the months after that, and... well, it never actually stopped stopping. And I was so afraid. I remember one time you said “Hello” to me in the school corridor when your friends were around. I didn’t say anything back. My God, why didn’t I say anything back? I heard your friends laughing at you and all I wanted to do was to run back to you, into your arms. I could’ve stayed there forever.

Our time was the summer. We met at a summer party once. I got my first kiss that night. I spent every minute of that evening in your arms. I had the time of my life. You told me you’d loved me from the very beginning. Our love was so intense that night. People told us to get a room, and we almost did (you offered me the backseat of a car). But I thought too much. What would my life look like if I had just got in that car with you? Would it have changed everything? Well I didn’t. But we still spent the whole evening together. The feeling of your body next to mine was heavenly. My God,that body. Nothing can ever change that. When it was time to head home, we shared a seat in the bus. You told me (and your friends) that I was the one. You hoped it would last forever. Me too, dear, me too.

The day after I saw you. I said “Hello”. You did, too. But I was too afraid to talk to you. It was like nothing had happened the night before. At the next party the same thing happened. Only that time you hugged all my friends and tried to kiss a few of them. You had drunk too much, but I still stayed by your side. I was in love.

That summer we saw each other a few times. Everybody could see I was in love. Everybody, but you – apparently. I even texted you once, but you never answered. You started spending more and more time with other girls and I soon had to face reality. You would never love me the way I had loved you for years. But you never lost the place in my heart. You were always special. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget you.

It’s probably my own fault. I probably seemed cold and uninterested to you. But that wasn’t the case. All the times I didn’t look you in the eyes, all the times I could have spoken to you. All the moments we could have had together. I’ve lost. Now I’ve found a substitute for you, a man who truly loves me. And I love him. And your far away. Who knows if you’ll ever return. I shouldn’t even care. But I do. What if?


-D

so good together

ph: Benoit Courti + Shanna Murray

a world away

ph: ArtPause

It was our second date and it also happened to be finals week in college and I had no idea what I was doing. I should have been studying but instead I was planning on spending every night with this woman and just praying that I pass all my classes. This wasn't like me at all! But everything had changed when I fell in love at first sight but this stranger to our Church choir last Sunday. She is beautiful, a natural beauty, smart, talented, a voice like an angel... the list goes on and on. At first I was without words and I had no idea what to say and when we finally did start talking it was almost like it was a reflex and an out of body experience. I was listening to myself carry on with this amazing woman and wondering what I was doing but at the same point I was impressed that I was able to keep it up.

The day after that I called her for the first time and we got to talking. We talked for hours! I am an American college student going to college in the Western United States and I found myself talking until I ran this beautiful Australian woman completely out of phone credit. We were able to talk about everything and nothing for what seemed like no time at all. She was so easy to talk with and to hear her laugh just made my heart soar. I eventually got around to asking her out and our the next day we went and grabbed lunch and I showed her around campus. We talked some more and I found out about her family, her major, and everything else. I couldn't get enough of it. I just found everything she said fascinating because honestly, this was the first time I finally felt like I found someone like me. Why it had to take so many different relationships for both of us to get to this point, why I had to wait for someone to come half way around the world, but I finally found someone that I feel like they understand me and that we are able to communicate on such a more honest and deeper level.

But here I was on what I thought was the end of our second date, standing there at the doorstep of her host family's home after a short afternoon game of competitive racquetball trying to find the words to say goodnight when I didn't really want to go as she stood there smiling back at me. The door opens and a shorter woman, also with an Australian accent, leans out and asks if this is the guy she had been talking so much about and that I needed to come in and have dinner, we must both be starving. Choice was no longer an option. I had to come in and share dinner with them. Even if I should have been studying, I couldn't be rude and decline because I wanted to see her again so I couldn't make her hostess angry. Plus, I didn't exactly want the night to be over. So as we waited for dinner to finish up, I was introduced to the kids of the home. They were a bit rough but overall it was a lot of fun. We got to wrestling around and playing pretend that we were knights and princesses in some vast adventure to save the world... I think I probably died twice and got revived twice. But the thing was, I don't remember all the details of dinner or the kids. I just remember watching her and admiring how she would be so gentle and kind as she interacted with these children. It honestly just made my heart melt. And then after dinner, we again got swept away by the kids and this time I found us up in one of their rooms having a deliciously prepared plastic toy dessert by the 4-year old daughter.

As she turned her back to us, we had a quick glance between us where we just grinned at each other and we stood up to go see what the little girl was trying to pull out to show us. As we walked over to the closet where the little child was, I reached forward to tickle my companion. She whipped around quickly to return the playful attack but I had already lifted her off the ground so she was out of arms reach. It was then as she was in my arms right above me, looking into my eyes that I first realized how much I really liked her. I slowly brought her back down to the ground and into my arms and as lowered her she reached out and took me into what was a perfect kiss. Her hands in the back of my hair, our bodies lightly pressed against one another, my arms around her waist, it felt perfect. I never would have thought that it would all start there in a child's room playing pretend. But if we move forward 5 months to today, here we are.

I have finished my semester of school returned to the east coast for the summer and she has been gone for 3 months now. She left to go back to Australia to finish her next semester, start figuring out how to transfer to my college in the United States, and just wrap things up back at home. Still, we have so many memories besides that first week together that have helped us survive the distance apart: places we traveled to together, time spent with family and friends, time we were able to steal away to talk for a few hours, sleepless nights on Skype talking back and forth trying to reassure and strengthen one another, laughing and having a great time. We have talked about marriage, starting a family, and if things continue to go as planned we will be married by the end of the year. Still, I am counting the time over the next 7 weeks until I will fly over to Australia to see her and meet her family. I do my best to live in the present as I am working and spending time with my family but the only thing that I honestly think about is my future with her, seeing her each day, being with her in a few weeks. The reason I wanted to share this short love story that I have been living is this:

Love is not just wanting to be with another person or wanting that person's absolute happiness. Real love is waiting, serving that person, and always trying to uplift them and let them know that you would do anything for them. Love is selfless, not selfish. It is letting both people choose for themselves because love is not controlling. It is a kind of freedom that let's a person be their true self and know that they are accepted for who they are and that they never have to change. Love like ours can be seen in a kiss, because every kiss is as if it was our first kiss and our last. I won't pretend that being a world away has been anything but easy, because I never expected something this wonderful would come at a cheap price. I miss those days where we would come home and find one another preparing dinner for the other person just to be greeted with a hug, a kiss, and a quick "I missed you." I miss those nights were we feel asleep talking together as we were watching a movie only to wake up wrapped up in each other's arms under a blanket. I miss her touch, her breath on my skin, and the list goes on and on. I love her. Time keeps turning and I will be there soon but I can be patient even when I am still a world apart.

let me know

ph: endlesstrains + weheartit

before it's too late

ph: weheartit

The reason I am writing this shouldn't exist. We know where we need to be with each other and have known for a long time, but we also know the reasons why we can't move forward... and because of these reasons we'll never be able to leave the place were at. I don't just love you from a girlfriends point of view I don't even love you from just being your friend. I can't even begin to describe the way I feel about you. And even after everything we're still standing together. You're someone that you go through hell with, but because you're still with me when it's over that's how I know I love you. We don't need to end this so that we can be with other people. You and I both have been waiting for something to come along that is going to help us move forward because there's no where else for us to go. I don't need to hear you tell me you want for me to like certain things about you. I don't want for you to tell me you wished I liked your hair. I don't want you to wear wranglers because I told you I liked them. I've made it this far. There's not one single thing that you could do that would make me turn and walk away from you. But if we take enough time we can stop. We can make ourselves move into a future that we know is going to be better for us. But we have to be willing to make that decisions or else we'll never get out of this. For so long I have been closed off to others because I was happier being unhappy with you that being happy with someone who I didn't care for as much as I do you. I would prefer your imperfections over anything that another guy could give me. I have no idea what is up ahead, but I do know if I let myself sit in this standstill I'm never going to have a chance at getting over the way I feel about you. I don't want us to give each other up and try something new and then run back to each other. I don't want to be each others options. We both deserve better and what makes everything so hard is that we deserve the best that we know we can both put forth, but yet we're holding on to too many things from our past that will never allow us to give each other what we want for them. We know we need to do this. I just don't want it to be out of hatred or because someone met someone else. I want to be able to move on before it's too late for either of us to have what we know we deserve.

out of my life

ph: OliverSC + weheartit

catch-22

ph: Bimbi Gardel

I'm home and feeling.... happy.

T'was nice to have you over for a bit. Just playing around at the playground and walking around the estate, almost as close as lovers go. All that playful talk and doublespeak, the coy holding of hands and the bloopers that never seem to escape us. I like spending time with you, I do.

And when we couldn't continue avoiding the phone calls that chased us away I bent down and planted a kiss, the words inadvertently slipped out and I let slide an admission of my feelings. So I try to cover it up with feigned nonchalance and rehearsed finesse, but I do believe I meant it. I did.

I know you can never see yourself going the distance with me, and should we even try I know we'll be faced by far too many challenges you would want to have on your plate. To begin with... We aren't even supposed to be emotionally or physically available for each other. I must admit when we first started talking I took it lightly, say, like someone to fill in the times for when he is gone, but as we moved along I found myself getting more and more attached to you. That said, I've been trying hard to pull back and head back into where I'm supposed to be, but his nonchalance and mistreatment, coupled with how you say the most tender things sometimes, I find myself faltering out of track.

Perhaps what I need now is to eradicate myself of the alliances that I know are bad for me. But who defines good and bad? What if... The person that drives you so deliriously ecstatic is the same one that causes you to feel so inadequate and upset all the time?

And here's where I become a confused emotional wreck. I will not allow myself to go back to where I was at the beginning of the relationship. And I cannot bring myself to love him wholeheartedly and willingly, and fall back on him with no reservations any longer. I am tired, and I am spent. I've spent too many days waiting on him and too many nights crying myself to sleep. It hurts to know that I'm never factored into his plans, that he could if he tried but he doesn't, but what can I do or say?

Festivities are supposed to be happy moments but lately they've turned out to be the loneliest and saddest times of my life. But what do I know? And how can I change things?

I won't lie. I enjoy the attention I get from the men around me, the things they do and the lengths they would go. But of course, if I could, I would love to stay faithful and stop cheating. Be the girl I was. So in love with him, and just him. He was my kind of perfect, my kind of everything. I loved him as fiercely and as charmingly as I could. Protected him and rooted for him. I would love to be that girl again. But how? How? When he's just not there for me? How?

And how? When I find myself getting more and more attached to you with every kiss and every touch?

It's a Catch-22. I don't know what to do.

with all my butt

ph: weheartit + weheartit

we had a beautiful story

ph: Alejandro Melero Carrillo

B,
Don't worry--I don't want you to call me so I can convince you to be
with me again like last time. You hurt me very much and you already
know this.

What I need is for you to know my feelings for you. Sometimes, I'm not
good with actions or showing my emotions, but that doesn't mean I
don't have them. And I know that it's only been a week we haven't seen
each other, but I'm very impatient and I need to tell you what I feel.
because after, I will be more calm than I am now and there will be no
point.

I'm not a robot. Or cold. I'm not crazy--sometimes. I'm not distant. I
just need time. And security.

At the beginning, I was so scared to be with you because I didn't know
what to expect. And this is normal. I read something in my journal,
don't laugh...it was the day of your birthday when I went to Paris
last minute and I wrote: "B sounded disappointed that I wasn't going
to his birthday. I just don't feel like meeting all his friends and
getting attention like that. Oh it's the girl B's dating. No, that
doesn't interest me. which is why I told him before to see other
girls. I don't know what my emotions will be like tomorrow or in a
month and I don't want to hurt him or myself."

This is why you really hurt me when you said if you'd been in love
with me, you wouldn't have cheated on me. Okay, fine, I understand if
you hadn't really been in love.
I know there was a time when you didn't believe that I had real
feelings for you. and maybe you will always feel this way. It was hard
between us many times for many reasons, but we had a beautiful story.
Complicated and impossible, but beautiful. Maybe it's because I write
a lot and I have a big imagination that for me, our story is
beautiful, but I wasn't by myself in this relationship so I don't
think that I invented anything. And for me, when you tell me that
you're "okay" when I asked you yesterday--well for me, it means that
you're really okay. And me, I wasn't okay this week. I can admit this.
And you were right--you were honest with me and it was me who pushed
things between us, but I cannot believe that it was only me who wanted
this.

This is why I hate when I hear: "you will find someone else. you'll
find other guys." Yes, fine, I know this, it's life. But it's not this
that upsets or annoys me. I'm not looking for anyone. We were a
beautiful accident--it wasn't on purpose. That's all. We can't replace
accidents just like that. Yes, I will one day find another guy, but
that doesn't mean that he will replace you because for me, everyone
has his individual value.

I want you to see what I see when I look at you.

I love your weaknesses. The weaknesses of the old, the weaknesses of
the young. It touches me. And if I love you, it's because I understand
you very much. I love your quirks and I love that you understand
mine. It annoys me when people tell me that B is complicated. That
devalorizes you, I find. Yes, you're complicated, but who isn't
complicated? It's easy to say that. You're different, you're original.
and most of all, you are beautiful. you have a beautiful soul.

You too, you deserve better. And you can.

Maybe I say this because I'm selfish, and I know it's not my business,
but I don't want you to be with someone randomly. I want you to be
with someone who deserves you B.

and one day, I hope that B and S can have a beautiful story of friendship.

-S

i know no other way

ph: Margaret Durow + Pablo Neruda

i am hoping for an us

ph: Edouard Plongeon

To T.

We ran into each other the other day. In the midst of all the people who went of the train that afternoon there you where. I hadn't seen you for over a month but you looked just the same.
You had that wrinkle I know so well between your eyebrows, the one that you get when you are feeling impatient or annoyed and I couldn't help myself but to smile.

I'd barely rested my eyes on you for more than a few seconds when you noticed me.
A look of recognition and we paved our way through the crowd towards each other.
A quiet hi, a stiff hug and of course the most common question of all
“How are you?”

I was just about to answer that everything was fine, everything was just normal, yes everything was just like it was supposed to be when the words I was going to pronounce got stuck down my throat.
You gazed at me with your honest blue eyes, the ones I'd always been able to tell everything and I felt how my lie crumbled into dust.
I couldn't lie to your face, I couldn't lie to you at all.
So instead I took a deep breath and spoke the truth.

“It's crap” You froze and looked surprised. This wasn't the answer you'd expected to your rhetorical question but I was tired of playing strong so I continued.
“It's crap because you and me are acting like strangers. As if we haven't known each other for months and that I know stuff about you that no one else does.
It's crap because we don't see each other anymore and because I nowadays sleep alone at night.
I miss you.
I miss your voice, to breathe in your warm scent and to feel your fingers run through my hair. I miss the feeling I get when I am with you.
I miss you so much that it hurts. But do you know what the worst part is?
The fact that you don't seem to miss me at all.”

The waiting hall fell silent.
All the train travelers seemed to have disappeared and we were now all alone.
Seconds passed but you remained quiet.

I wanted you to say something.
I wanted so badly for you to say anything at all but instead you gave me that hurt puzzled look which said, “I don't know what to say,” so I did what first came to mind, I turned around and left.

I left despite the fact I had so much more to say. More explanations, questions and things I miss about you. And yet, as I stumbled down the stairs with tears rising in my eyes I got a feeling of accomplishment cause at least now, you knew.

Now you know.
Now you know how I feel and where I stand. All my cards are on the table and there is nothing more I can do. It's up for you to decide where we go from here.

If it is going to be an us or simply just a you and then me.
All I want is an answer. An answer letting me to move forward either alone or into your arms. An answer letting me out of this wait.
But for what it is worth babe, I'm hoping for the first alternative.

I am hoping for an us.

/B.

----
ps- Shopbop sale time! 20% off with code 'WEAREFAMILY13' -- Check it all out here.

twenty dollars

ph: WRDBNR // Society 6

time heals

ph: Lisa Smit

I wrote in a long time ago, back when I had my heart torn to pieces by someone who I thought was going to be there for much longer than he was. It was a depressing entry, one full of sadness and heartbreak. I can remember exactly how I felt as I poured out my soul to an anonymous blog.

Funny how things change in time.Looking back I really should of listened to everyone's advice of how time heals all wounds. It seemed easier to just be cynical and want to be left alone in my pain.

Imagine my surprise when one day that pain slowly started to go away. Like a wound fading into a scar, my sad self slowly started to fade and I became me again. I was finally letting myself be happy.

Than he happened.
This plain ordinary boy suddenly became extraordinary.
He started to give me all those feelings I thought I'd never feel again and eventually my fragile heart fell in love with him.

He is honestly the best thing to ever happen to me. Being with him is like every amazing feeling I've ever felt rolled into one.

I'm happy, so freaking happy.

There is something else I am which is hard to admit though. I am so scared. Scared of hurting again. My broken heart fell in love and healed itself around him. I broke so easy last time I don't know if I could survive losing this one.

Wonderboy I love you. So much more than anything else in this entire world. I just wanted you to know, you saved me.

Love

-K

i love you. te amo. je t'aime.

ph: Bohemian Blau + Caleb Troy // Society6

why love?

ph: Margaret Durow

Today I have learnt not to love. Because to love, is to get hurt and one's heart can only take so much. Time and time again I put myself out there, open, trusting, loving. But what I receive in return is nothing shy of selfishness and self-centeredness.

So why love?
Why love when it hurts so much? Why give yourself to someone when they'll just throw you away later? Why?
Call me jaded, but I like to think of myself as a realist. A realist who has been burned far too many times.

As much as I would like to go into details, I don't think they matter. Each incident, each person, each relationship, it's all the same, just with different colours, circumstances, nuances.

I'd like to stop myself here, before I go on any further and say that everything was my fault. From the beginning to the end, it was all stupid, trusting me. So there. You're free of any guilt whatsoever. But just so you know, I thought you were different.

I don't think this will ever happen to me for a while because this risk is just something that I'm not going to take so soon or so easily. The pain, at one point of time was unbearable but now has just numbed to a dull thudding ache.

So somebody, anybody, please tell me, why love?
Because I sure as hell don't know.

-Alex Chenkov

you are

ph: + Tracie Andrews // Society6

love languages

ph: Design Love Fest Instagram

Bri of Design Love Fest recently shared a candid moment about love on her amazing/creative/bright/happiness inducing blog and I thought I would share...

today we are talking about love languages. have you ever thought about what yours are? how do you show your love? i would definitely say i show mine in actions better than words. i love picking up little gifts for arian, or planning out dates and vacations. i like writing short love notes and leaving them on his desk. or making him dinner. it’s all about actions for me.

with arian, it’s definitely different. he’s a DUDE. he likes to surf, air drum, listen to hardcore music, and talks about motorcycles. while i consider him a creative person, he is definitely not planning out our vacations or unique dates. holidays and birthdays stress him out because he thinks gift giving is overwhelming. i remember all of this stuff used to bug me. i would look at my friend’s husbands who got their wives that coat she’d been wanting, or that bouquet of flowers for no reason, or planned a surprise tropical getaway… it made me feel like arian didn’t love me the same way. (but like someone reminded me today…”comparison is the thief of joy.”) we actually used to fight about it quite a bit. and ladies i am sure you know that if you fight about flowers it definitely takes the sparkle out of the moment when you actually do get them.

but then i started trying to think about it differently. analyzing how he DOES show his love. arian is the best listener. he always takes my side. he is affectionate and loving. he always kisses me goodbye. he always drives when we go somewhere. he makes me coffee every morning. there is a lot of ways that i just wasn’t seeing clearly. which i will fully admit that it’s bratty and traditional for me to think love means flowers and date planning. and once i let that go, i started noticing and appreciating the things he does do and not just feeling resentful for the things he wasn’t...

what form of love do you NEED from a partner? any deal breakers? for me, affection is important. i only tell you guys this because it was an eye opening experience for me to think about HOW we love our partners. in what ways. and maybe there are ways you’re just looking past. …xo -bri

love is in the air

ph: Sumeja + Josrick // Society6

how bizarre

ph: Emily Coghlan

They say that: if you can't help but to think about someone at least once a day, you should not give up on that person. Well. I'm thinking about you at least once every hour, so I guess I should grab you and never let you go?

I don't know what we are, or if we even have something, or if we can even be called a "we". We met trough mutual friends at New Year's Eve when I was back home from college visiting friends and family. And then we met when I came back once. And now I'm back in town again for a few days, but I haven't seen him- I don't know if I even want to.

Scared is what I am. Scared of realizing he's not into me like I am into him. Scared that if he is- I will fall for someone who's living far away from me and whom I won't be able to see for more than maybe once a month. I thought having a crush was fun, exiting and sweet. This is the absolute opposite. This gives me more heart ache than being miserable and totally alone.

How bizarre.

cuddle now

ph: André Foucteau + Nicklas Gustafsson

what's mine, is mine

ph: Indiana Caba

Only because memories are meant to be well kept. Here's to the Future. Music was blasting everywhere, people walking pass us every second, he held my hand in his and I baffled to look into his eyes and he smiled and said, "I love you." That was the first time he told me he loved me in person. and then he kissed my cheek. at one point I asked him to take off his sunglasses and he did and looked into my eyes and tightened his grip around my body. that was the first time in my eighteen year old life that someone had gotten that physically and spiritually close to me. I wonder if he could feel how my loudly heart was beating inside my chest. At one point, I felt how fast his heart was racing and had to comment it. His smile got wider and responded "Its only because you are here."

Dear A, understand this,

I don’t know what the future holds,
Well actually I do, you and me are in it.
Texting, talking, playing, kissing, hugging and all of that.
Actually, just add ‘-ing’ to every existing verb in the dictionary – we’ll do it all.

No matter where I have been these few months,
You have always caught up with me.
Someone would listen to your favorite DJ
Another made jokes just like you¨
While someone else would have the same name as you
No matter what I did, it always came back to you.

Leave the light on,
Stay up just a few more minutes like you always use to do
Oceans and miles are nothing, we’d beat them once
We can beat them again.
I called for the space between your right ear and collarbone,
And as far as I know, it still belongs to me. What's mine, is mine.


My heart is even more your own than when you stole it that warm august night three years ago. We belong together, realize that please.
Let me know soon, alright? Love you

-- P