Monday, April 15, 2013

i am hoping for an us

ph: Edouard Plongeon

To T.

We ran into each other the other day. In the midst of all the people who went of the train that afternoon there you where. I hadn't seen you for over a month but you looked just the same.
You had that wrinkle I know so well between your eyebrows, the one that you get when you are feeling impatient or annoyed and I couldn't help myself but to smile.

I'd barely rested my eyes on you for more than a few seconds when you noticed me.
A look of recognition and we paved our way through the crowd towards each other.
A quiet hi, a stiff hug and of course the most common question of all
“How are you?”

I was just about to answer that everything was fine, everything was just normal, yes everything was just like it was supposed to be when the words I was going to pronounce got stuck down my throat.
You gazed at me with your honest blue eyes, the ones I'd always been able to tell everything and I felt how my lie crumbled into dust.
I couldn't lie to your face, I couldn't lie to you at all.
So instead I took a deep breath and spoke the truth.

“It's crap” You froze and looked surprised. This wasn't the answer you'd expected to your rhetorical question but I was tired of playing strong so I continued.
“It's crap because you and me are acting like strangers. As if we haven't known each other for months and that I know stuff about you that no one else does.
It's crap because we don't see each other anymore and because I nowadays sleep alone at night.
I miss you.
I miss your voice, to breathe in your warm scent and to feel your fingers run through my hair. I miss the feeling I get when I am with you.
I miss you so much that it hurts. But do you know what the worst part is?
The fact that you don't seem to miss me at all.”

The waiting hall fell silent.
All the train travelers seemed to have disappeared and we were now all alone.
Seconds passed but you remained quiet.

I wanted you to say something.
I wanted so badly for you to say anything at all but instead you gave me that hurt puzzled look which said, “I don't know what to say,” so I did what first came to mind, I turned around and left.

I left despite the fact I had so much more to say. More explanations, questions and things I miss about you. And yet, as I stumbled down the stairs with tears rising in my eyes I got a feeling of accomplishment cause at least now, you knew.

Now you know.
Now you know how I feel and where I stand. All my cards are on the table and there is nothing more I can do. It's up for you to decide where we go from here.

If it is going to be an us or simply just a you and then me.
All I want is an answer. An answer letting me to move forward either alone or into your arms. An answer letting me out of this wait.
But for what it is worth babe, I'm hoping for the first alternative.

I am hoping for an us.


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