I pushed you away.

unknown

Today I woke up, and I felt empty inside. This isn’t the first time this has happened recently, in fact for the past two months this is how I’ve been feeling every day. I keep trying to pinpoint what is making me feel this way, blaming it on the fact that I hate my job. Then blaming stress, and then blaming anything I could that wasn’t the truth. However the fact of the matter is, I’m feeling empty because the person that I love is miles away.

We met in the strangest way, and our time together was simple and yet so incredible. The few months that we spent together were some of the happiest months of my life. Every time you came to visit me, I felt a kind of happiness that I can’t even explain; and every time you left I counted down the days until I would see you again. I fell for you after only knowing you for a few days, and after that I just continued to fall. I loved the simple text messages you would send me every morning, telling me how beautiful I was and how much you missed me. I loved the way you smelled like cigarettes, I loved your tattoos, and I loved your smile. I even loved your friends; I looked forward to seeing them almost as much as I looked forward to seeing you. You were everything to me, the person who brought me back to life after I had thought my days of loving another were over.

I was so happy that it seemed like nothing could bring me down, but a fear that I knew all too well was creeping up on me, as it had done with all of my past relationships. I was now so afraid of what life would be like without you that I convinced myself that everything would be easier if I ended our relationship before I began to rely on you too much. I pushed you away. I let you go. Now I don’t think I will ever forgive myself.

Time passed, and we stayed in touch. We often made plans to reunite, but of course that never worked out. Before I knew it you were leaving, moving even further away. I told myself that this would be for the best, that I could finally get over you. The funny thing is, now my love for you is even stronger. The boys that I date seem dull, and this makes me miss you even more. These boys can’t make me laugh the way you did, the sight of them doesn’t make me feel like the happiest girl in the world. This is how you made me feel every time I saw you.

We now talk more than we ever did, and everyday I think about telling you all of this. If you felt the same way, I would hop on a plane and fly to wherever you are. I’ve come to realize that my life here is nothing without you. But if your feelings for me are long gone, I don’t think I could handle hearing you tell me this. It would kill me.

So, I’m stuck. I will continue to wake up every day feeling empty and I will carry on with my day-to-day life, until maybe, just maybe, you decide to tell me that I’m not alone in this and that you too have felt empty since we’ve been apart.

-Anonymous

the smile you gave me

weheartit

the distance

selflesh

I remember when we first started dating, everyone said it wasn't going to work out. No one believed that I would survive this kind of relationship. But still, here we are, you and me together still. But I'm starting to get scared that at the same time we're not. That we're not the same people. That we have lost the spark. That the fire that burned passionate in our hearts, now is only a fire that's burning us in a hurting way.

On saturday it'll be 8 months. 8 months in a distant relationship. That's long for me. "When we've survived the first year, the second one will be easy" you keep saying. "It's only one or two more years babe!". But that's long babe. It's a long time, and if we keep loosing more and more of our love, how are we gonna survive two more years? I wish I could say that I believe it, and that I'm not scared. But I can't.

After seven months in our relationship, it all changed. It wasn't me who changed it, it was you. And I know that we've moved past it, and I know that you think that we're still the same couple as we were before. But we're not. And I just hate that you don't see that. Or maybe you see it, but you don't tell. Like I do. I say that I'm fine, because I am. But we're not. And I hope that one day we'll get past it, that we will be like we used to, because I want that, because I want to be with you forever. But now, I still sometimes hear your voice saying the most awful words I've ever heard come out from your mouth. "I slept with another girl".

Yes, I know you were drunk. I know you regret it. And I know everything that is worth knowing. And yes, I've forgiven you. No, I didn't break up with you. I didn't want to do it then, and I don't want to do it know either. But I'm just scared you know. I'm just hurted. I'm confused. Because mistakes like that aren't supposed to happen. You know that too. Like, look at our friends couples. It hasn't happened to them has it? No. But then again, our friends couples aren't like us.

And that brings us back to the distance. The fact that while my best friend spends all of her days with his boyfriend, I only get one day a week. Sometimes none. That kind of changes everything doesn't it? That sometimes make me think that we haven't really been together for eight months, but like one. The distance, the eight lettered word, that changes everything. That little word, that little bus ride, makes us both so vulnerable. And weak. And scared. But no one is really admitting it.

I wish I could say that saturday is eight months, but that's nothing compared to the years in our future. But right now I can only hope.

-A

if you would follow

weheartit

the thought of us having a label...

unknown

5 years ago I first laid eyes on you.
Time passed, we grew stronger and closer. But we remained as friends.
We argued, made up, joked around, had serious conversations, kissed and cuddled, went for late night drives, knew everything about each other. But yet this label of boyfriend and girlfriend was never there and it always confused you.
So here is the truth:

You always asked me the reason why we had never got together and that it confused and frustrated you, it confused our parents too. The reason is that, us being together terrifies me. The thought of us having a label means that we have something to loose and I never want to loose you. That label means that you have the ability to hurt me. I don't know what this is, whether it's love or not, because I've never been in love before. But every time I'm in your arms, I feel safe, I feel like there's no place in this world I'd rather be. You can stop the tears rolling down my face simply by smiling at me. The moments we spend together I cherish and although we're different in so many ways, we're so alike. We've been with other people whilst we've had our "friendship" and it gets me jealous but I'd rather see you like another person, than live without you for a second. You're like the air I breath and when we have our arguments it feels like a piece of me is missing. I don't know how much longer we'll have this friendship before you get frustrated that we're nothing more. I'll cherish this while i can.

Much love
Bec.