Friday, November 20, 2009

how the fuck can you be scared of love?


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Somtimes I wonder what I would answer if my friends asked me if I was in love with him. Now, they would never question because I'm really good at hiding my feelings due to years of practise. But IF.

"I don't know" I might say. "I'll admit that there is a certain tension between him and me that I don't feel I have with anyone else." Then, after a moment of thought, I might continue: "But, what I do know is that sometimes I want to stroke his back so bad I can't barely stand it, and sometimes I make things on purpose just so I can be near him. What I also do know, is that I'm scared. So awfully scared."

The ting is that I don't want to feel anything. At all. But sometimes the feelings attack me so hard I can't ignore them anymore. They push and push and push, until they finally come through, and then, usually, I run. I can't bear to deal with them, and I certainly can't deal with the feelings that comes after. When you've been hurt. And you always get hurt.

I never let anyone in. It takes years of good behaviour to make me trust a person fully. Much because I've been let down. Hard. I've poured my heart out to people who only stomped it and threw it away. Such things hurt. And leave marks. So, in many many years I've never let myself feel anything for anyone, I've run when I couldn't ignore the feelings anymore. I've run so awfully much, in such an awful long time, and I'm so awfully tired.

So, this time, I shave sworn to myself to stay put, to not run from them. The feelings that make me want him to hold me. The feelings that, when he looks at me in a certain way, are so overwhelming that it takes all of my self-restraint to not move over and kiss him full on the mouth. The feelings that makes me pee myself out of fear.

I really don't know what to do. People tell me loving someone is the greatest thing in life, but I know how you feel when you get hurt, and I know running is easy and it spares your feelings, and... And I'm babbeling. I always do when I'm scared. And I'm so awfully scared right now.

How the fuck can you be scared of love? I truly must be an idiot.

-S

49 comments:

  1. im fucking scared too..
    i always run.. and i cant help it..
    love!
    http://sunshinydaymiss-jean.blogspot.com/

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  2. Oh, I know that feeling! I'm feeling a litlle bit as yu do right know. I have a crush on my friend that I have knowned for 3 years now, but I was to scared to show him how I felt because we were in the same class. I didn't want to see him every day in 3 years if it didn't work out. So I told myself that I wasn't inlove with him. And one day I believed it. We are not in the same class anymore and he constlantly remind me off why I was(am) inlove with him. I'm still to scared to tell him how I feel. I'm only 19 years old and I don't know much about love. But I give the same advice to you that I should give to myself! Go for it! love is some scary shit and you often get hurt. But the worse feeling of them all is to never have tried. Because then the thought What if always popps up in your mind.

    And you are not an idiot! then I am one to.

    (sorry about my bad english)

    /F

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  3. If you are an idiot, so do I, because I'm working on the same issue.

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  4. i know how it feels to get hurt really bad. i was very serious with my previous BF but he entered the r/s only for fun. i cried heaps, esp at nite. each time in the morning, i tell myself "it's ok, u'll get over it soon", then when night falls, there's tear marks on my pillow again.

    But DONT be afraid to believe again. i wont say i trust 100% now but i've taken that baby step to learn to trust again. it is all worth it when BF gives me that big beary hug... be true to your feelings dear and live for the moment.

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  5. I'm so awfully scared too. I can't let anyone in my heart, I have been hurt too many times. And now there's such a fantastic boy that really likes me. And i'm scared and won't let him in. I will run, run for my life until I can't run anymore. And if he's still there after that I don't know what I will do. Cause I know I cant let him in and I will hurt him, and that hurts me, but I just can't. I'm too scared.

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  6. But isn't life scary? Maybe it's just me but I always say I'd rather fall in love ten times and get my heart broken ten times, than just once or twice - and enjoy all the fluttery, joyous goodness each brings, even tho the heart mending is unbearable. But you'll get over it eventually. I guess it's kind of like taking drugs, the comedown is unbearable but it's worth it for the fun it gives you..? I am very twisted.

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  8. I think anyone who's not scared.. isn't going towards being in love.
    It makes us feel invincible when we are in it.
    But until that point is reached - we are all scared.

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  9. "kiss him full on the mouth"

    I love that line. It's so simple but so full of unbridled lust and passion. That said, it also has an amount of sensitivity, of vulnerability to it.

    It grabbed me.

    I hope you learn not to be scared. Getting hurt is part of life, but don't live thinking "what if".

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  10. trust is indeed hard to earn. like s, i find it hard to let people in entirely. But I guess, I should try to stop not trusting people and let them in a little.

    We all know, being scared leads us to nowhere. Takes crazy courage to push ourselves out. But I'm gonna try to be a little more brave right after monday, my exams. n push myself OUT and stop being an idiot.

    so for now, im gonna stay as an idiot.

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  11. dont worry hun, theres a lot of us idiots.

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  12. Love is the scariest thing in the entire world. It can be so simple, yet so complicated. Nothing in life can have so many edges to it, so many soft corners to it.
    Love is something I have always been scared of. I am scared of it now, but it is also the only thing I want out of this life. I don't care what I do with my life, as long as I love.
    Yes, you will always lose those things or people you love. Nothing is forever. Truth is always changing.
    But love, oh love, love is the thing that keeps us going. It's the thing that makes us run, but also come back to ourselves.
    I, have always run from love, your story was like reading an entry from my own journal.
    I told myself to push through those feelings of wanting to escape. Push through those terrified aching heart crushing feelings and sit in my own vulnerability. It was the scariest thing I had ever done. I'm not going to tell you it I ended up having the best experience ever, because I didn't. He hurt me, bad, and it still hurts to this day. But the best and most amazingly beautiful thing that came from that situation, that awful yet hopeful feeling of allowing myself to love, was that I now know that I can. I can love. I can do it. And the next time I feel myself falling for someone. I'm gonna let myself do it, and I'm gonna let myself get hurt.
    I had someone tell me once: "You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone" "I don't want to get hurt" I said every so indignantly. The person leveled me with a gaze and replied "Well then you're fucked." That person wasmy 50 something year old therapist who had known me for almost 10 years.
    He was right.
    It's okay to be afraid to love. Just don't let it take hold. Don't let it seize your heart and infect it like a cancer.
    We all deserve to know love.
    I can say, I simply love you and your story. It gives me hope that there are people out there, just like me, that are scared, but have tried to work with that terror.
    Thank you.

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  13. And sometimes you just have to take that risk and let things happen. What if you miss out on something great?

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  14. allowing yourself to love is the scariest thing in the world. allowing yourself to be so unbelievably vulnerable is the most terrifying thing we will ever do. allowing yourself to give someone and something your all? your everything? it's so hard. it's so scary. and so often we feel that it's not worth it. but one time it will ALL be worth it. and we never know when that one time will be. so we keep going. we keep loving. and we keep hurting. but it WILL be worth it. one time it will all be worth it. this was absolutely beautiful.

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  15. Hi. i was wondering if I could get your msn, because there is something I want to talk about. Take care. :)

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  16. I've been in love with my best, oldest friend in exactly the same way since we were 6 years old. we're 20 now. I've never told him because I'm scared shitless too.

    Thank you for describing it so well - i've a note on my computer for 'le love' admitting everything that i keep re-writing, but I can never find the right words. So thank you.

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  18. better to have loved and got hurt, rather than to have never loved at all (:

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  19. You are not an idiot, because you are not afraid of love, you're afraid of getting hurt and that's ok. True love is worth that risk.

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  20. Surely possible love is worth that risk of being hurt. And even if you get hurt, don't all the good times and good memories make it all worth while?
    I'd rather love and get hurt, than not love at all.

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  21. i'm scared all the time, and i think it's because i've been hurt in every kind of relationship i'v been in. it feels like people play with me, and i don't know why.

    maybe i'm that hurtful or maybe love isn't for me. or maybe i haven't just found the right one for me.

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  22. "But, what I do know is that sometimes I want to stroke his back so bad I can't barely stand it, and sometimes I make things on purpose just so I can be near him. What I also do know, is that I'm scared. So awfully scared."

    - this went straight to my heart. it's true. so bloody true.

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  23. Wow dear! I'm right where you are. Too many times let down by jerks that I put my complete trust in, but I also ruined my last relationship by closing off my heart. Try to relax and let everything just happen.

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  24. I so totally know how u feel.

    But sometimes, the pain is worth the happiness even though the happiness may be shortlived and the pain lingers for a long long time...

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  25. you're just like me.
    i don't have the time to write any beautiful words like everyone else here, but.. yeah. We're running together

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  26. i'm the same, so scared and trying so hard.

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  27. My ex told me that she loved me so much she wanted to run... And then she did, claiming she loved me but was no longer in love with me. I don't know what to believe. How is fear a stronger motivating factor than love? I'm heartbroken...

    GetPopped at www.wet-pop.blogspot.com

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  28. Me again... And she's tried to leave me before for the same reason but I always have been here for her. About a week before she broke up with me, she pulled the car over, hugged me and gave me a kiss on my ear. I asked her what was that for and she said, 'I just am happy you're still here... I want to you know that I love you and I am so grateful that you're still by my side.' I said, 'Even though you keep trying to get rid of me?' and she said yes. I said 'Even though you supposedly love me but aren't in love with me?' and she said yes, and that she would always be in love with me, forever. On Monday she sent me an email with a picture she made, saying, 'My heart burns for you.' How can she all of a sudden not to do 'this' anymore?' I'm so hurt and bewildered...

    GetPopped at www.wet-pop.blogspot.com

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  29. so, that's pretty much me.
    and I lost an amazing guy because of it. He also happens to now be my best friend with a girlfriend that i can't stand. Oh how wonderful life can be sometimes

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  30. Oh dear.
    I know how you feel? Hah, I suppose a good many of you do.
    I have a friend, she just went through a bad breakup, but she would do it a hundred times again, because that is who she is.
    Me? I have become a professional at flirting... with those I know I'll never like, those I know won't hurt me...
    We are all fools in love. God bless Shakespeare, he understood.

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  31. i have the same feeling.
    thanks for sharing (L)

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  32. i've been running too, for 5 years now. I can't seem to let anyone in. But the thing is, I'm going to try now, for I realised that if I keep running, I might just be running from my true love and lose him without knowing it. We never know till we try, till we trust again (:

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  33. I cried while reading this, it relly touched me because I can relate so much to it. Someone has stamped on my heart too. Several times actually, and the last time has caused me over a year of hurt and loneliness. But still, the fear of love isn't as big as the fear I feel for never loving someone again. My biggest fear is that the guards I have put up to protect my heart have made it inpenetrable, and that no one will enter ever again.

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  34. it's ok, i'm the idiot on the same boat with you. I fee like this is a part of me that I'll never understand. But i guess it takes time.

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  35. I'm scared too. I've never been in love my entire life. I have felt strongly for certain people, but never been actually loved someone. I think it's because I'm scared of losing control. Scared of being hurt. I'm a coward. Truly.

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  36. THIS and the fray together, maked me cry.

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  37. I normally do not comment...but this post spoke to me because I am and used to be you. The man I was fuck buddies with for so long, the man I wanted to feel nothing for but yet feel everything for was able to hold his feelings in too. Somewhat b/c we wanted something light and somewhat b/c we were scared. I was able to walk away from him b/c I never knew how I meant the world to him and he was able to let me walk away b/c he didn't know I was in love with him.
    We were given another chance, a chance to be completly open with eachother. I was terrified to tell him that he was the man that I never told, "i love you" to. Took all my strength to say those three words out loud. That was two months ago. I've only said I love you four times to him since but he knows how much he means to me. It is a slow process to let someone in but so worth every minute. It is still scary sometimes but not as scary as thinking about my life without him.
    True love is when you love wholey and openly. So make sure you tell him how much he means to you so you can charish it wholey!

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  40. I Known this felling too...

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  41. Dear S--

    I was you 7 years ago. I had been hurt countless times before and put up a fort around my heart so mighty none could penetrate its depths. But maintaining that fort was so exhausting. And in the face of one exceptional man, I felt so powerless in keeping those walls up around me at all times.

    And then I gave in.

    We're getting married next year :)

    Moral of the story? It really is better to have loved and lost than to have never given love a chance.

    His love restored me to my whole self-- a person secure she doesn't need those walls around her anymore.

    I wish you all the best in the world. Be brave.

    Much love,
    D--

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  42. I can relate to what you are saying because I have that same problem but I think for me why its so bad is because every man that I have come across was not sincere with me that it has cause my self confidence to be very low because I don't know if a man is real with me or not. It scares me so much because now its hard to tell because they have come at me in so many different angles that just put me in a playing mode to see if that are willing to put up with my insecurity. How do you get over this I want a relationship but I can't get pass this fear of one?

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  43. <3

    We're in the same boat.

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  44. it's so hard. a lot of the time i think i'd rather trust someone fully than never trust anyone at all, but it's easier to say than to do. But if I have to take that risk in order to experience something great then I will. because I'd rather be open to people and feel love and feel heartbreak than look back on my life and realise I haven't felt anything at all. only regret.

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  46. There is nothing wrong with being scared, it's hard not to be when you have been hurt. I have been hurt, a number of times by someone I love. But I know in my heart, that you need to let love in. Loving someone is about being vulnerable sometimes, it's about opening up. And yes, you could get hurt and it is to me the scariest thing in the world. Our hearts once they have been hurt, become cautious and we only want for no one to hurt us again. But not everything works out, so let yourself feel your emotions and let yourself heal before you rush into something else. Be kind to yourself, love can hurt, but it can feel amazingly good as well once you find the right guy. And that love that is the right love, that’s what is worth fighting for, that’s what’s worth taking the risk. If you never take chance you will never know. And you will find the right guy, but it's not always the first time or even the 5th. Love takes patience. But please do not close yourself off and don't run, I know how tempting it is. But giving it a shot and letting that person in, you could soon find that person is the right one. And if you always run and never give a guy a chance you could be missing out on something that could have been perfect for you.

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