Monday, November 2, 2009

ever again


dropular

I have someone I love very much. But this story is not about him.

It’s a about a man from 1,320 miles away who somehow ended up a few feet away from me in the lecture hall. Smart, attractive, funny, with a way with words I’ve never heard before. Twisting words and phrases to paint beautiful pictures of the world I knew. I saw what I always did, but it was much more colorful than ever before. I’m a smart girl, not easily impressed, but this guy captured me. He’s so special, but can’t see it himself. He tells me how special I am, but it’s not the same and I can’t wake him up to it. I probably won’t ever meet anyone like him again if I live for a hundred years.

One day, while in his dorm, he kissed me. And I didn’t stop him. The only thing I said was, “I’m a bad person.” He asked why and I responded I have someone I care for very much. He didn’t mind and I didn’t have the willpower to stop him. This happen for another four consecutive days. I finally said that I couldn’t do it anymore because I was betraying the person I cared so so so much for. He cried and I felt like the worst person to have ever walked the planet.

Days following, this man persisted. While telling him that I couldn’t cheat anymore, the spell he had over me broke. He blamed societal rules and the way I think. He did not want me to “be” with him. Simply to share passion. He could care less if I had a boyfriend as long as we could share passion until his research scholarship is over in a year. Then he’ll just pick up and leave like this life here doesn’t matter.

This outright selfishness and juvenile response gave me a hard slap in the face. I feel like this was my test. Much like Sir Gawain, I didn’t pass, but I didn’t fail. For the rest of my life, this will be a reminder, my green sash. I never had a passing thought about betraying someone before, and I never will again. This lesson showed me there are capturing people out there, but there’s not another person made so perfectly for me. I won't find one if I searched for the rest of human existence. I’ve found him. I know it. And I know, short of insanity or death, he is the man I will marry.

I will never,

ever,

take him for granted

ever

again.

-LG

32 comments:

  1. That was so touching and raw, thankyou.

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  2. It's nice to read a love story that has a refreshingly different take than most other love stories.

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  3. http://knockedandbrokeit.blogspot.com/

    love your blog... so so so much!


    like the story

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  4. That's one of the best stories, ever - thank you! SO true!

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  5. This is a struggle I am going through right now too. And you are right. Thank you. It's an important lesson.

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  6. you don't deserve to marry him.

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  7. That's the exact story of mine too, but I was the one who got cheated on. Sadly I had to found out.. I'm still with him and he tells me he couldn't think of anyone else to marry other than me.. and to some extend, I do believe him.. but trust me... it's never the same and it will never be the same. A year after now... it still hurts me very much and the thought of it still lingers often enough. When you love someone that much to be willing to spend rest of your life with... you simly don't take him/her for granted.

    If you are still with him and if you do really love him, please don't let him EVER find out.

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  8. What a wonderful reminder of how easy it is to take for granted what is right in front of us at times. The writer didn't exactly do anything heinous, but she was left to question her own sense of values...which in my opinion, was the real lesson here.

    The longer we're in a relationship with a person, the more likely there will come a time when we question ourselves: "Have I made the right choice?" The answers are going to vary depending on each individual, of course. For the OP, it took a chance-fling with a charming (but awfully selfish!) stranger to point out what she'd be giving up and what mattered most to her. So this was a good thing. Thanks for being courageous enough to tell your story. :)

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  9. there are some things better left unsaid. This wasn't your fault even if you had the chance to stop him. I do strongly suggest not letting the one you love know about it.

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  10. Dear Writer,
    I want to thank you for your heart wrenching love story. You see I've been looking for affection in other places besides my husband. But when I read your story it made me realize how blind I have become. That yes there are amazing and alluring people that you are drawn too. Yet, despite the illusion you are hit with reality. The reality that I have a person who deeply loves me. Love that is rare in today's world of lust and infatuation. It made me take a step back and clearly look at what I've been wonderfully blessed with. I've been given an incredible man who I wouldn't trade with anybody in the world. Thank you for helping me plainly see there is no one else for me than my beloved spouse. For better and for worse.

    Thank you.

    Your's truly,
    Lovestruck

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  11. Lovestruck, I don't mean to be rude but you sound really attractive and we should internet chat ;) ;)
    <3
    flower pots

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  12. i love this website but this story made me sad, sad because i think the guy who kissed you was partially right.

    it is society's rules which make us believe marriage and love are the penultimate goals.

    why can't two people can't just be attracted to each other, have an encounter which was perfect for a second in time, then leave their separate ways. Cheating is most certainly a terrible, devastating thing, but to me it sounds like you've convinced yourself that he is being juvenile in order to shift blame to him.

    really his view is just a different perspective on life and love.

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  13. i know how you feel. i let the one person go that cared for me and loved me once, and who i too loved, for a person i was unbelievably attracted to and had a crush on. yes, i loved that other person for a while, but for him, it was just a brief phase, he never treated me like my boyfriend before did.
    i took him for granted so much, and i hurt him. that is the worst feeling, and i doubt that there will ever be a time in my life when i will not regret it.

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  14. Thank you for writing this.

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  15. love is a complicated, beautiful, passionate thing.

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  16. You had better tell the person you love, or you aren't good enough for him. If you really love him, you will be honest and want the best for him.

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  17. I admire your courage and your strength - no you are not the worst person in this world - I am.

    Same thing happened to me, exactly the same thing.. but I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how.

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  18. marriage and the subject of true love are artificial things that we formed to be able to create societies. obviously deep down we are all animals. still. and no matter how hard we try to act civilised and try to fulfill impossible standards sometimes we will fail. don t beat your self up for things that slip through the cracks.
    be good for the one you love and avoid tempting yourself

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  19. I've been in a similar situation.

    Sometimes the grass seems greener, but that 'one' doesn't come around all too often...

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  20. I just lost the man I love with all my heart and I would never ever have cheated on him not in a million years.

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  21. I think guys always want girls they can't have, I'm seeing this more and more in my life. It's both their fault.

    He selfishly wanted her even though she was already taken, and she wanted to be comforted and held so far away from her boyfriend.

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  22. I know the feeling. I feel like I'm a failure for not trying harder to say no. Being far away from my boyfriend leaves me so open to temptation and for the first time in our relationship, I dove headfirst into another person. This isn't love, I know, because I will never love another the way I love my boyfriend. Yet it's a different kind of pull. I don't know what my point is, but I just needed to get those words out there.

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  23. To anonymous above: I don't know if you'll actually check these comments, but I wanted to say, sometimes you just need to get the words out to realize the whole picture of the situation.

    To all commenters and reader: Thank you for your words. Supportive, critical, thoughtful, and accusing alike. It's meant so much in helping me recover from this situation.

    -LG

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  25. something like this happened to me. only that the other person i'm not even attracted to. i think i'm just flattered by the attention that someone other than my bf is giving me. i didn't do anything out of line, but i still felt like i was lying.

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  26. Hate this situation. Sometimes u have to say no early in order not to get in dillema. In the end its all about what u want.Now i know every girl will say they want a happy relationship with their bfs but in real life isnt like that

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  27. i love this so much. i have been with my amazing man for almost two years and i'd be lying if i said i weren't tempted before. but temptation is fleeting and he is forever.

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  28. This is exactly what I'm going through. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have been afflicted with guilt and remorse for a while and haven't been able to sort through it rationally. I was blinded by passion and fueled by the notion that my bf was too far away to find out. But what hit me the hardest was that I realised I agreed with your beau, that I simply wanted to share passion and leave it at that. Except my beau actually agreed and didn't mind that we don't work on cultivating an actual relationship. But I know this is not healthy and will end with everyone getting hurt. Thanks for your story that helped me remember that I have overlooked the dedication my bf is putting into our relationship.

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  29. So, I don't actually suppose this may have success.

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