Friday, December 6, 2013

getting to know each other

Photo via: zhrdv

"You don't have to take the train home tonight," is what I said to you that night, I think. I wasn't that nervous about being so forward with you at all, really. If you agreed, we'd see what could happen. If you didn't, I was leaving in a couple weeks and it didn't matter. It's so typical, but I was in a vulnerable place and just looking for an easy distraction.

I remember exactly how I felt about you before that night, but it always feels too rude of me to explain. I told you I thought we had absolutely nothing in common, and honestly that's because I sized you up to be this one dimensional kind of person. I figured you were a safe and uninteresting bet, that things wouldn't get weird with us. And they didn't, but not for that reason.

It's such a pleasant surprise, you know. We always love to joke about how the non-conventional way our friendship began. Things don't usually go down in that order, but it feels so normal to me. We have something really productive going on between us. My mind feels more active than it has been in a while, and the only difference is you in my life. It's as satisfying as the physical element we shared for a couple weeks, which was also pretty amazing by the way. Clothes on or off, it's simple and unassuming and just feels pretty damn good.

I don't exactly remember how we met over a year ago, but I've always found you kind of attractive. The ethnic ambiguity combined with that tall, long body of yours. I like how you feel on me, how you look laying next to me and I like that scar on your shoulder from your surgery. But honestly, what I'm most attracted to is what's going on in your head. You have this rich, inner life happening in there, just like I do. And most importantly, I can tell that it's all for your own enjoyment and not for pretentiousness or for someone else. You just seem so comfortable in your skin, so secure in who you are but not in a delusional or cocky way. You just seem pretty happy to be you and as a result it makes me glad that you're you too.

Now there are a lot of miles separating us, but maintaining this special friendship is happening so naturally. I like talking to you for some pretty legit reasons. You're curious about the things I'm curious about, so it's fun for me. And even if you don't actually, I feel like you understand me & the way I think for the most part. When I talk to you, I feel appreciated for what I want to be appreciated for. I feel like you see me the way I want to be seen. This sounds douchey, but I really don't need to be told I'm pretty or attractive because I'm really more than that or at least would like to be. So I guess it makes sense that I got kind of hooked when what you notice about me is usually something regarding my character. It feels good.

With you, I'm not really looking for someone to care about me or to make me feel safe or saved like I might have been before. We're just talking, getting to know each other on a human level and it's not about an us or love or anything like that and I couldn't be more pleased. I talk to you because I feel like it; I'm not yearning for anything. We're not riddled with expectations and I feel like we can just be what we are, special friends, until we're not anymore.
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