Thursday, September 30, 2010

as if it were the last time

weheartit + lovetrains

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

my feelings won't change


The message i sent to my lover when he ended things telling me he all of a sudden had no time for or relationship...

There's so much left unsaid that It's got to a point where I'm a mess. I can't keep trying.

I won't lie; I still hope you'll call & probably won't move on properly till you do.
I'm confused that you were just going to leave it though you know what I'm feeling.
Being openly emotional isn't something I do so you know I'm really trying.

We've both had unsuccessful relationships & it kills that you won't give us a chance.
I just wanted to be there for you. No drama, just me & you.
Despite what you have going on I'd support you not stress you. You say your life has a schedule,
I could've worked with that; all I wanted was your time, however much or little.
I need you to know that I would've been different. No lies, control, cheating or games.

Think of the time we spent together. You know we'd have been good for each other.
You made me feel things I'd never felt before then took it away as if it was nothing.
As if I was nothing. No explanation. Imagine how that feels.

I don't know if it's because of what happened or because you truly don't want someone right
now but you will soon enough, we all do, & I'm here. Still wanting you just the way we were.
If you felt everything you said you did you could balance it. But I can't force that.
You have your reasons. I just wish you didn't.

You mean so much to me & you can't tell giving up on us makes you happy.
I meant it when I said I loved you.
We had something. Maybe it's over. Maybe you need time.
Either way my feelings won't change.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

until you found me


Monday, September 27, 2010

For Mum


How many times have I betrayed you? There are betrayals in battle that are infinitesimal compared to my betrayals of you.
I pushed off, away, and against. What was not broken, I destroyed. What you did not care to know, I found out.

You let me. Other times you didn’t let me go easily and I would fight. Sometimes I would get so angry I wouldn’t be able to remember what I said. Then I would leave. Sometimes I wouldn’t come back.

One time, I left and got really lost, in more ways than one. I couldn’t get out of bed. I stayed there in the dark for days. Was it the third day that you opened my door and sat down on my bed? I couldn’t get the words out from inside (I’m lost).

I filled the aching void with tears instead. You cried too.

Get up, you said softly, tears running down your cheeks and wetting my hands. This isn’t you. It’s time to get up.

You didn’t open the window, and you closed the door when you left a minute later.
I lay there, in the darkness. All my darkness.

I was lost, too close to that precipice.

I came upstairs a few hours later, still lost. I think you knew that.

That day you came down into my room, I realized that down in my room, the only one who remembered me was you. That was the year I didn’t know my own reflection in a mirror. That was the year only you found what I had lost.

I remember the day the fog lifted. I was back. I was also almost eight thousand miles away, living in an ancient English castle. I had fled there to find myself, and when I did I realized you’d never once lost me. You were just waiting until I found what you’d known all along. Thank you for waiting, for guarding, for keeping.

I quit running to the unknown after that day. The problem with running towards the void is that it’s incredibly likely you’ll get consumed by all of the uncertainty of the unknown.
I realize that now.

It’s your birthday today. I sat down intending to write something that could somehow express just how much I love you. Instead, I ended up overwhelmed by just how much you love me.

This is the first part of what I know.
Love is a species of flame.

And although all the rest of what I do not know cries out to me (and I must go and know it) I need you to understand—you are my North star. My touchstone. The origin from which I run.

Ultimately, I am always journeying back to you.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

never settle


Saturday, September 25, 2010

I love(d) you.


I love(d) you.

It has been 10 days since we broke up for the second time. It was different this time, we both gave up. I tried to get this relationship back but it's obviously not working.

My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told you're not gonna do anything to save this relationship. And that you're just gonna sit back and let whatever happen, happens. You said, 'If God want us to be together,we will'. But then again, if you love something, you should work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.

You told me I'm a Bitch and I never appreciate. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship. I told myself to give all up on you.

But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on iTunes, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurting too, but it doesn't seem like it.

And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.

You promised me forever. You said you were gonna marry me. You said I was the only you loved. You are my first kiss. You told me I'm a good kisser. You said you'll love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believed everything you said.

And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.

But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.

You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?

You said we could be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.

One day, I'll be happy again. I hope.

Friday, September 24, 2010

everytime i see you


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

dearly missed

When I was 9 years old, I finally convinced my parents to get a family dog. We decided to get an English Cocker Spaniel, a gorgeous breed with long, floppy ears, and big, adoring eyes.

We found a breeder, and I had my heart set on getting a black and white puppy. However, there was a certain brown and white puppy that kept following me, nipping my heels gently, wagging his docked tail. He was so incredibly playful from the moment I met him, and I knew that he was the puppy I was going grow up with. It's true, it really is - the dog chooses their owner.

He was the friendliest dog in the world, and loved EVERY visitor that came to our home. He had the biggest heart, which was so appropriate as he was born on Valentines Day, 2001.

Being an only child, he was the one I played my childhood games with. He was a brave Prince, venturing into the forest (which consisted of some tall shrubs in our old house's backyard) to rescue his Beloved (his favourite ball). His favourite game, needless to say, was "Fetch". His tail wagged joyfully every time he saw me, and even more so if I held a leash in my hand.

As I grew older I spent less time with him, but I still loved him just as much. I would try to spend time with him - which was hard, because my mother wouldn't allow him inside the house (although I would occasionally sneak him in) - and we would go for walks to his favourite nearby park. I now believe I could have tried harder to spend more time with him - a little less TV perhaps, and more games of Fetch. I also loved just sitting with him, and once he got over the excitement of playing, he would sometimes rest his head on my knee, and we would soak in the sunshine, the moonlight, the beauty of the day gone by.

One day I came home to find him hiding under a shrub, refusing to move. I was so scared, and after awhile managed to coax him out. It was revealed that he was in intense pain from arthritis in his paw - the first sign of him growing old. I could scarcely believe it - not once had my dog shown a single sign of aging - he had never quite grown up, and was always a puppy to us.

One week ago, I brought him to the front of the house and I noticed he was short of breath. He began making an awful noise, and I thought he was choking, but it turned out he was coughing. We brought him to the vet who said there was nothing wrong, and sent us home. Two days later we brought him back to the vet, and we discovered some horrific news - our beloved dog, my best friend, had a heart that had grown to twice the size it was supposed to be. So beautifully tragic, our dog who had too much love for everyone, was now suffering from the fluid collecting in his lungs from his large, weak heart.

We were told there was nothing we could do for him, except take medication which would not reverse his congenital condition, and would only provide symptomatic relief for his fluid-filled lungs. He could no longer play without wheezing, he would not even run to get his ball when I saw him. Even the medication could not guarantee an extended life - his weak heart could give in at any time.

Throughout the week, he rapidly deteriorated. His coughing became less intermittent and more frequent. I could not go outside without making him overexcited, causing him to wheeze. Even through all his suffering he remained in high spirits, prancing around whenever he saw me, causing yet more suffering. There has never been such an optimistic dog. I made the most excruciating decision of my life - to put my darling best friend to sleep, to put him out of his misery. I could not bear to watch him panting as he tried to eat his dinner, which was usually one of the highlights of his day.

This morning, at approximately 11.20am, my puppy at the tender age of 9 years and 4 months breathed his last breath. I will never forget his last whine as the vet injected him with sleep. He was still warm, and I cried tears of guilt and grief. Should I have fought harder for him? Should I have prolonged his life - and his suffering?

Somehow I think I made the right choice - I let my puppy go whilst he was still in high spirits, and did not let him suffer without reason. He had a life filled with joy and love, and loved greatly. I miss him so much already even though it has only been a few hours - I hear noises and believe for a millisecond that it is my dog, only to be disappointed as the realisation that he is gone sinks in.

There is no better example of unconditional love than my puppy. He had a big heart, both figuratively and literally, and loved everyone with everything he had. I will never, ever, forget him, and he will always be in my heart.

Rest in peace, my beloved Valentine, you are dearly missed.

xoxoxo E.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

i love hugs.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

late night insecurities

Lupe Aneiros

Its 2:04AM. I'm awake,not surprisingly.

Over a year ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions. Caught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. His stupid friends, the other girls. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was clingy. I was the controlling girlfriend whose only language was "nag". I was insecure. At some point in that relationship, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities he installed in me against him, using them to push him away. Knowing I deserved better, with the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. He was simple, to rid myself of, after numerous failed attempts. My lack of confidence, not so much. It lingered.

Then you came along. Still in control, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough from you. How could I let you know I was damaged? That my heart had been so dismantled prior to your repairs or that the butterflies I felt with you, were so unfamiliar to me. What if you knew that my own smile was not recognizable to me in the months before you came into my life. Would you want a damaged heart? No. I would hide my demons from you. To you, I was still worth something. I was beautiful, not fat. Sincere, not a liar. Charming, not annoying. I was happy, a little crazy, and slightly up and down, but I was passionate. Not dramatic. Even the moments in which I would mispronounce something, turned into intimate and memorable moments in which I was adorable. Not stupid. I was everything to you I had always wanted to be to somebody, anybody. To this day, or night, whatever you call 2:47am, I remain amazing in your eyes. Your love for me is still beyond my comprehension.

It's been over a year. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. How could I have known, that while you were making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, so special and beautiful, I was so insecure beneath it all. We aren't in a relationship at the moment, at least not the kind that provides us with the security of labels. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize each day I only miss you more and not less like people tell me. From the "Oh, it hurts now, but in a month, you won't even feel it." to "you'll find someone new in no time"s. I should know your the only one I can rely on for the truth. And the truth is, it doesn't get easier being just your friend. It isn't a piece of cake to turn away from the comments of flirty remarks. These girls are like ants and your like sugar. They all want you, and now, as just a friend, I can do nothing more than sit back, keep quiet and pray one of them isn't more charming than me. These days, that's not setting the bar high. Recently my jealousy has surfaced. Stronger than before, I bear no control of the emotion. It's lashed out a couple of times, crossing the friend zone lines and into the boundaries of psycho ex. Even at that, you find me cute, letting my unwarranted possessiveness stroke your ego. As the days go by, my insecurities and self doubt have continued to expose themselves in the form of heavy sighs and clingyness, leaving me no control over my thoughts, words or tears. Today, I hope, was the lowest I can go. As far as breakdowns at least. I cried. I revealed all my unconcealed insecurities. Baring to you the inner workings of my messed up mind. I am pretty sure your now aware just how damaged I may be. It just happened; all of my feelings I've tried to keep hidden from you for this long, escaped in the form of quiet sobs. You never miss a thing. Your so in tune with me that even as I tried to steady my voice, soften my breathing and tell you "no" I wasn't crying, you knew. I can't fool you. Were just that connected. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept running and by the time I said goodnight we had both cried. Not even 10 minutes has passed before...plop. Word vomit. Out come all my insecurities. Texted to you of course, in fear of rejection. As if it would hurt less that way if you decided I'm just a little too crazy. But you don't. You listen. And you respond with all the things you would find in a "how to be the perfect man" handbook. And yet again, I'm in awe of you. They don't go away that easily, and I'm no longer naive enough to believe that they might. But you definitely make me feel a little more normal than perhaps I really am.

In the last year we've loved and laughed, sang silly songs and talked of honeycomb kids. We've cried and yelled. We've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgment, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others. Ya, the last year has had its many ups, and the occasional down, but were still here, and somehow we have managed to stayed honest, true, and head over heels for one another. You have become my best friend, my lover, and the man of my dreams. While my insecurities may stick around to keep me up late for some time to come, and at times they may leave you feeling accused or aggravated, just know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day, your heart is still mine♥


Vanessa Torres

Saturday, September 18, 2010

what you deserve


Thursday, September 16, 2010

my everything


I never knew at 5 years old you could meet your soul mate. Even though we didn't know it then, we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together. I remember the first time I ever seen you, the boy who lived just three houses down. The little brown haired blue eyed boy that immediately caught my attention the second you moved in. Ever since the first moment we met we've been inseparable. It started out as being play mates, and eventually grew into the most amazing thing I could have ever experienced. I immediately had a crush on you, something about those baby blues, even then made my heart melt. But of course at 5 years old you were still at the "girls had cooties" stage. But much to my surprise only a few short weeks later you changed your mind, and wrote me a note on a piece of red construction paper. "Will you go out with me? I like your cooties". Being five years old that was pretty much a marriage proposal in my book. And that was it..from then on we fell head over heels in love with one another. We cried together, laughed together, made fun of each other, tested each other, we grew up together. Through the years to come I completely stole your heart, and you stole mine. We were best friends, lovers, worst enemies, all rolled into one. There were times I would make you so mad you could scream, and you did the same with me. We tested each other every day, just to see what our limits were. But there was one thing we both always knew..and that was we were going to spend our whole lives together. There wasn't a doubt in our minds. You were "the one". I knew no matter what happened or where life took us, you would be the one I went to bed dreaming of, and woke up in the mornings wanting right next to me. Sure we had our fall outs, sometimes even our break ups. And yes we decided to date around, see what else was out there. But none of them ever worked out, and we both knew why. Because at the end of the day the only ones we wanted to be with was each other. Nobody could make me feel the way you did. It's a feeling I can't ever explain. You made me laugh, even if I didn't want to smile. You made me feel like I could conquer the world when I was in your arms. That was my safe place, being in your arms was the only place I felt safe in the world. I remember the day you proposed to me. The sumer of 09 right after one of petty little arguments. I can't even recall what it was about, I just remember you showing up to my house, knocking on my door and when I opened it you had this look on your face I've never seen before. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. But then you started talking..telling me all about what you wanted out of life. How you joined the army, how you wanted to live out so many of your life dreams. At first I was so confused and could you do this? Join the ARMY? Without even talking with me about it first? When I thought army the only thing I thought about was war. And war meant death in my eyes. Tears started flooding my face until you pulled me close in your arms and told me to stop crying, that you weren't finished. So I continued listening..and that's when it happened. You said you realized that your biggest life dream was to marry me. To spend your whole life with me. And that joining the army wasn't a rash decision you had made, but rather a decision you made to help better our future together. And that was it, our future was set. You had joined the army, I was about to start college, and in just a couple short years we were going to be married and start our family. What a perfect plan, right? If only it worked out that way. I'll never forget the weekend of May 14th. I had decided to go away for a weekend with my friends, for some much needed girl time. You stayed behind and did your own thing with your friends too. I packed up my bags and headed on my way, never gave a second thought to that being the last time I may ever see you again. I went to sleep early that night. During the middle of my sound sleep I kept hearing my phone ringing, I just kept ignorning it. All of a sudden I sat straight up and knew in my gut something wasn't right. I picked up my phone, it was my sister. "Hello?" "Kaylie? Something happened. You need to get home right away." "What do you mean something happened? What happened?" "Please just listen to me. Just come home." "NO! I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me what is going on, now spill!" "Derrick was in a car accident. He didn't make it Kaylie. He's gone" I immediately dropped the phone, grabbed my stomach, and fell to the ground. Car accident? Gone? Derrick? How can this be? This can't be true. There is no way Derrick is gone. God wouldn't be that cruel. He wouldn't do this to me. He wouldn't take away my whole reason for living. There must be some mistake. I don't remember what happened after that, it's a feeling I can't even explain. I don't remember from that moment on until I arrived home a few hours later. I was in shock. I couldn't believe Derrick, my life, my love, my whole world, my comfort, my best friend, my everything was gone. What was I going to do? My whole world had literally been ripped apart from me and crumbled into a million tiny pieces in a matter of seconds. For days..I felt nothing. There was just this big gaping hole inside me that couldn't be filled. I was numb. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand, I couldn't talk, I couldn't think. Nothing I did helped. Eventually after a couple weeks..the shock wore off. And I was forced to deal with the fact that my life, my love, my best friend really wasn't coming home to me. I can't explain that feeling you have, it's the most undescribable horrible gut wrenching terrible pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I laid in my bed for days doing nothing but crying calling his phone time after time hoping and praying he would pick up the phone. A million things ran through my head. Why him? What did I do that was so horrible I deserved this? Why did God take away my Derrick? Why, why, why? He was so young, with so many goals set for himself. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, now what am I going to do without him? I don't think I will ever understand why this had to happen.. Nobody in this world can ever say they truly know how it feels unless they have been through it too. There are no words anyone can say, no actions anyone can do, and no matter how many I'm so sorry's and I'm here for you's, you get, the pain never stops. It never goes away. I've prayed to God a million times to just make this all disappear once and for all, he has yet to respond to that request. Sometimes I wonder if he ever will. Sometimes I wonder what Derrick would be doing if he were still here, where we would be, what our lives would be like right now. I talk to him every night, and I know that he hears me, but it isn't the same..

You have had my heart since day one. You knew how to make me laugh like noone else ever has. You were there for me through the highest and lowest points of my life. Always encouraging and supporting me through whatever decisions I made. You were my rock. The one person I ran to when I was having a bad day, or my heart was broken..and now your gone. And my heart is more broken than it's ever been before. Where do I go to now? Where do I turn? Nothing in this world makes sense to me anymore, the only thing that gives me peace is knowing that I will be with you again one day. And I can't wait for that day to come. Always and forever baby, always and forever. I pinky pinky promise.

Love always,

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

walk away


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

it's not you, it's me.


You're beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.

It's hard to fabricate lies when you don't want to make someone sad. When you really really like them...but not in that way. You can't just blatantly lie to them and pretend you love them...they're too beautiful for that. The thing is, they're also too beautiful to lie to. Too beautiful for you to hurt because you don't want to hurt them.You don't want to make them cry, to ruin their beauty by making them feel pain. The problem can't not. You have to do one or the other......the pain...or the lies? Which is the best for them? Break their heart now.....or later. Later when they find out you never liked them like that. That when you kissed them you had to try you're hardest not to be disgusted because, yes they were beautiful but they weren't who you wanted. They were perfect but they just didn't have that special something. You don't want them to feel like it was their fault. Like they aren't perfect or beautiful. You want them to know that it's you. You're the one with the issue and you wish, wish that you could love them......but you can't. And it's killing you. You don't want it to be like that. You want to love being kissed by them. You want to lust after them. To give them your heart and soul.....but you simply just can't. You're incapable of feeling like that and it sucks. They're incredibly beautiful so beautiful that it hurts. And you can't hold back, you just have to tell them, you can't not. Because you know, you know deep down that this is for the best. That this is what you need to do and you do it. You don't want to and you despise yourself for it.....but you do it. You can't handle the pain that is shown upon this beautiful person leave but just before you go you say those five dreaded's not you, it's me.

Monday, September 13, 2010

tired of being alone


Sunday, September 12, 2010

long distance


I met my boyfriend when I was at vacation. At that time I had no idea that this man were going to be the love of my life.

I went to Chile with my family in January. I couldn't wait to see my friend and when I finally met him, he was with he's best friend.

We were talking a lot, but his friend was very shy. I was curious at him and begun to ask questions about him. I could barely hear what he said, and i'm not that quiet girl so I find it hard to talk with shy people. But I get to know this man better.

It begun to be late so we went back to our houses. I logged into Facebook and saw a friend request from him. I accepted and he was online and we begun to talk, very much. He said he wanted to meet me the next day, and so we did.

We went to a park and were just sitting at a bench talking. Or, I was talking and he listening. He didn't say much, just like the other day. I started to get nervous for a awkward moment, so I was honest and said to him that he need to talk more. He just laughed and begun to talk.

After that day we begun to go to same park, the same bench everyday to just talk. After a week I begun to realize that i'm about to get feelings for him. How could I be so stupid to feel something for him? I live in Norway, he lives in Chile. It is impossible to have relationship with this distance. But i couldn't stop thinking about him, and the next day when we sat on the bench, we kissed for the first time. I had the best feeling inside my body and it felt so right. But now i'm thinking that all maybe was a mistake.

One day Lucho asked me if I wanted to spend the night at a apartment that he borrowed from a friend, and I said yes. That night we made love. It was a intense moment that I will never forget.
Two hours later we woke up because the floor were shaking. Everything was shaking, and when I thought that the earthquake would stop, it only got worse and I was very scared. He held his arms around me while he said "relax honey, just relax. It will stop". Thank God that nothing happened to us or our families.

When it stopped, we ran out from the block and to the street. Everything was dark and everyone was at the streets looking for friends and families. 27th of February is a date I will never forget. And from that date, we were together, as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I had to leave the country in March. It was hard to say good bye, but we knew that we would see eachother again, because I said that i'm going to buy a flight for him for July to August. The time we were separated, we were spending almost all the nights talking at phone and Facebook. I went home from school, slept and woke up at the night to talk with him. I've done that until now.

When we finally met, it was a fantastic time. We spend every single day loving eachother more and more. When he had to leave, it was so hard. I cried and cried at the airport. If I knew that this maybe would be the last time I saw him, I wouldn't let him leave. But I didn't. We talked about this. We said that this time it would be more tough to be separated from eachother. And it is.

The next week i'm going to buy a flight for him, so he can spend December to March with me.
But yesterday Lucho said he can't live without me. And he said he is going to study and work in March. That means that he won't have time to talk with me, and that means that we must break up. He also sent me a message and said that I deserve better, that I deserve a man who lives near me. I cried my heart out. I feel like I don't have a soul.

This nine months have been the most beautiful months of my life. I love my life because of him, and i'm so happy to be he's girlfriend. And I won't give up. Never.

I have the chance to move to my grandparents in he's neighbourhood. I'm also thinking that maybe the right thing to do is to let go, for some years. Because I will never stop loving this man, and I know that it is meant to be us, so I will wait all the time that is necessary so we can be together forever. He will study for three years, and that's three years i'm willing to wait.

I want to call him and say this to him, but he says he needs time to think. But what if he thinks too much? What if he decides that it will be better to go ours lives separated? I won't let him think that. But I want help to choose the right thing to do. So I ask you. What should I do?

Saturday, September 11, 2010

scribble you out


Thursday, September 9, 2010

ready to the take on the challenge


I had no intentions of falling in love my first year of college. In fact, nothing was further from my mind. The idea of love was incredibly foreign to me, all throughout high school I was always the girl that stayed single, dated around, played the field, and often teased my smitten girlfriends for being mushy and pathetic over their high school sweethearts. Upon entering my freshman year at DePaul University, I expected to maintain the same attitude, that boys were an incredible waste of time, and being a young girl that enjoyed a good time I would live the single life. Some said I was simply too stubborn, afraid of getting hurt, and unwilling to commit. These allegations were never ones I denied, for I did fear a serious relationship, and this was a matter that at the age of 18 I had already accepted. But in one life altering, whirlwind romance, of such an unpredictable and unexpected nature I found myself in love with a boy, changing my personality and person completely.

The Oakdale apartment was hosting yet another infamous party. This apartment was the residence of three very crazy boys who enjoyed whiskey, music, and creating a ruckus more than the average college student. The interior of the apartment reflected the reckless nature of my friends, with dirty dishes in the sink, overflowing trashcans; empty beer bottles and cigarette filled ashtrays were strewn in every corner of the apartment. The look was completed with a random array of furniture, crude posters, and a guest or two sleeping on the couch. This particular party happened to be in honor of Nick, in celebration of his 20th birthday. Nick was perhaps the wildest of the three roommates with more than questionable morals and a rowdy group of friends.

We left the dorms that Friday night with a slight buzz from the beers we had chugged in the bathrooms- in attempts to hide from the RAs making their nightly rounds. The alcohol mixed with the combination of anticipation for the night ahead made for a very excited group of freshman. The October night was perfect, the air was cool and crisp but we all knew on the walk to the apartment that winter was slowly approaching. I could hear a Black Lips song, blasting out of the windows from a block away, Sally rang the buzzer and we climbed up the smoky stairs, hearing the music and laughter on the floor above us. We were welcomed by a large of group of friends and acquaintances, and it was clear the drinking had started much earlier in the night as Nick the birthday boy was covered in toilet paper, and others donned odd hats fastened with duct tape. I immediately made eye contact with a stranger, a tall, thin boy with dark shaggy hair, and a scruffy face. He was smoking a cigarette and met my eyes with an intense gaze, I immediately found him attractive but was also uncomfortable with the attention. I walked into the kitchen to grab a drink only to learn that the stranger’s name was Patrick; the name sounded incredibly familiar and I soon realized this was the Pat that my girlfriends constantly gushed over. He was a friend of Nick’s with good looks and an equally wild reputation.

February in my opinion is the most unbearable month of the year. The dirty snow, grey skies, and fierce winds make living in Chicago a complete nightmare. Any joy I had in December for a white Christmas and a desire to ice-skate at Millennium Park had completely vanished. Pat and I had been seeing each other since that night in October, though neither one of us would admit the seriousness of our relationship. I still after four months refused to refer to him as my boyfriend though we spent most everyday and night together. I tried to convince myself that I was still a fun, and single college girl, but the smallest voice inside of me constantly nagged, as I knew I was developing true feelings for Pat. And though our pairing was completely unexpected, I was happy, comfortable, and most importantly I was learning to care for another person. The rough exterior of my independent nature was being chipped away and I felt raw, naked, and exposed But I couldn’t help questioning the whole situation, we were both so young, immature, and unprepared. It was silly to think that I could find true companionship from a crazy boy I met at a party. I was still scared of being vulnerable and dependant on other person, I was still unable to trust. All of these emotions aside, February was growing to be an extremely dull and restless month. The fun had dwindled drastically with the cold, especially post holiday season. After a long week of tests, exams, and digging Pat’s Toyota out of the snow, we were both looking forward to a small party with out friends at the Oakdale apartment.

As unkempt and filthy as the Oakdale apartment was, I always found it a comforting and familiar environment my first year of college. Though wild and crazy, the boys were genuine people and good friends. The apartment despite the piles of dirty clothes on the couch, and odd smells coming from the kitchen was always welcoming to friends. We could have fun just a handful of people, listening to music, and carrying on good conversation. This was how the night began, a few friends, quite a few beers, and some good music. As more guests arrived the dancing began; Pat started the fiasco by pouring his drink on himself while dancing on the coffee table. He looked at me on the floor below and met my eyes with that same intense gaze from the first night we had met. All of a sudden I was spinning, more likely this came from one to many beers, but it was at that exact moment I knew all my inhibitions aside, I was in love with Patrick. The girl who would never love had done so, and my body filled with that warm feeling best described from Hallmark greeting cards.

I pulled Pat down from the table and on to the dance floor, I gazed into his eyes, giggled, and whispered with adoration into his ear, “I love you, I love you, I love you!” Pat laughed in response, assuming that this was the PBR talking. We continued to enjoy the night with our friends, and I could not help thinking how this boy had managed to change my life so much, and for the better. Learning to love allowed me to become a less selfish person, more generous and considerate to those around me. Yes, the idea of loving another was terrifying, but I was ready to the take on the challenge knowing the potential reward was sharing my life experiences with another who loved me back.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

tend to stare


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

happy you are coming back

Its May of 2003. I am a sophomore in college, you a year ahead of me.
I am in a sorority, and over at one of the fraternity houses. You
are visiting a friend in the fraternity, but being a "frat boy" was
never your thing. You tell me you see me in the quad, and ask your
friend who I am. Your friend tells you that I am out of your league.
You tell him "I just found the girl I am going to marry". You then
come down to introduce yourself to me...

Fast forward to January 2004. You ask all of your friends in my
sorority to hook us up. I can recall who you are, however was dating
others. Then, that fateful night at our local bar. I decide to
escape an ex-boyfriend, and walk home by myself. You catch me in the
parking lot, offer me a ride. I say no. You ask if you can have my
number. I say yes. You call me the next day and ask me out on a date
for that next week. I say yes. Our first date on January 23rd, 2004
was a night I will never forget. We clicked. Talked. Kissed. There
were fireworks. Our relationship instantly started. I was in love.
Complete head over heals love. You cooked me dinner for Valentines
day. You took care of me when I was sick. I met your mom and sister
within a month of us dating. We went to my formal together. We
laughed, cried, and touched souls. You share things with me that you
have never told anyone. I do the same. I applied to go abroad to
Italy for the summer. I get in the program. You graduate college.
You came home with me to California, and we had an amazing road trip.
We spent every moment together until I had to leave for Italy. You
said not to worry, you would be waiting for me "with open arms" when I
got back.

Summer 2004. Italy is incredible, however I miss you every day. We
email - you send me roses to my apartment. I travel, experience
everything that Italy has to offer, yet my heart has a hole in it. I
am in the most romantic place in the world, and want to share it with
you. Summer flies by. I come back to Colorado to be with you and
finish school. You tell me you got a job in Southern California, and
are leaving in 2 weeks. We have a passionate, indescribable 2 weeks
of intense love, and promise to be with each other.

Fall 2004/Winter 2005. Long Distance is hard. You are struggling in
California, I am struggling in Colorado. You push away. I cry. You
come visit. I feel like a prostitute, a hotel and a chauffeur. I cry
some more. My girlfriends tell me to let go, but I just can't. I
live for your 4 am drunk phone calls professing your love to me. We
continue this charade for months. I visit you in Southern California.
You won't hold my hand. I cry some more. I offer to move to be
closer to you after college. You say maybe. The pain cuts deep, as I
cannot go a day without thinking about you.

Spring 2005. I meet someone else, and become infatuated with him.
Unbeknown to me, you are coming back to Colorado to rededicate
yourself to me. I call you to try and tell you about this new person.
You don't call back for 3 weeks. Finally, I tell you, and you break
down. You still come to Colorado and ask me to meet you in the park
by the lake. I come. You have flowers and an open heart. Mine is
not. I tell you I can't do this roller coaster anymore. You cry. I
cry. I walk away. Even now, I can't tell you why I walked away, but I
did. You send me countless love letters. I email you saying that I
appreciate the gesture, but its too little too late.

Summer 2005 - July 2010. You have your life in California, I have
mine in Colorado. You start dating a girl from your office, and I
break up with my infatuation. I date others. You get serious with
office girl. I still date others, and find a nice boy. You and
office girl break up after 2 years. I am dating nice boy for 5
months. You call. I talk you through your break up. We joke, we
laugh, and I tell you that I will always love you. You say the same.
You go to Europe. You call me from Europe telling me that you
understood why I had to go to Italy. I break up with nice boy. You
come back from Europe to California. I get back together with nice
boy. You tell me a couple of months later that if I had not gotten
back together with nice boy, you would have tried again. I tell you
that we tried the long distance thing once, and it did not work.
Besides, I like nice boy. As much as I like nice boy, you still are
in my thoughts and dreams. You start to date another girl. We chat
online. We text. We talk to each other the way that people in other
relationships should not talk to one another. We talk to one another
the way that we should talk to our significant others. I decide to
move in with nice boy. We chat occasionally, but I try and cool off
our conversations. You seem ok with it - girl #2 suits you for the
time being. You get into grad school back in Colorado. I tell you
this will be interesting, but I am happy you are coming back. It will
be difficult, as I am still with nice boy.

July/August 2010. Nice boy turns out to be not so nice, and breaks up
with me. You have been in the same state as me for a month, however
we have not seen one another. I have a crazy several weeks. I move
out. You live with your mother, and travel a lot, and look for places
to live. August comes. We start texting each other. We have lunch.
You pick me up, and those butterflies are still there. They have
never gone away. You look so incredibly handsome. We talk. Its a
nervous and strange conversation, however I still feel so much for
you. So much of everything. I decide to go for the gusto and ask you
out on a date.

We have our date this upcoming Friday. Will this finally be our time?
We always said that we would end up together. I hope that we can do
it right this time. It seems as if fate has given us a 2nd chance,
and we sit on knife point for Friday. I hope we both fall the same way,
as I have never lost my love for you.


Sunday, September 5, 2010

simple fact


Friday, September 3, 2010

your strongest love


I’m a small town girl. When you’re from a small town, relationships are different. They’re solid. They’re long. They’re comfortable. They’re home. It’s a different kind of being known. A different kind of close. A different kind of love.

In that small town, I had a boy. The kind that everyone said would always end up marrying me. The kind where friends would always ask why we weren’t dating. The kind that was your best friend since kindergarten and somewhere down the line you both formed feelings for each other. We confessed those feelings. We acted on those feelings. Other relationships were ruined because of those feelings, sometimes our own relationship.

We were as close as two people could be. Because we knew every detail about each other. And not because we told each other everything but because we were there for it all. He knows what ribbon I won on field day in third grade because he let me drink from his water bottle afterwards. He knows what guys broke my heart in high school because he threatened to kill every one of them. He knows what my favorite restaurant in town was because he had to sit through a thousand meals there with me. He knows who my favorite teacher was in seventh grade because he helped me through that homework. He knew what kind of mat I took my naps on in kindergarten because he wanted to share it with me. He knew where my grandparents lived because I snuck out of their house for our first kiss. He knew all my favorite foods because I stole whatever I wanted off his plate. He knew all my schedules of my classes because he had a note waiting for me after each one. He knew every locker number I had because that was always our meeting spot. He knew my hardest days because we ended those on my front porch or the bottom bunk in his room. He knew every weekend I was coming home from college because he would do everything he could to try to come too. He knew when my face had horrible breakouts because he preferred me with no make up on. He knew what it took to really push my buttons because we always ended up yelling in each other faces followed by a door slamming and my tears. He knew my biggest fears because he faced them all with me. It’s a rare thing to be completely known my someone. But it’s a beautiful thing.

I remember the moment he told me he liked me. Walking down the hallway after school sophomore year. I was dating someone else. Someone who was intimidated by our relationship and had every reason to be. I thought he was so brave for getting that out. But then again, he knew me so well, he knew it wouldn’t scare me away but only pull me closer. He ended up taking a push down the stairs for me. Because my boyfriend saw the truth in our relationship and took it out on him.

We protected each other. We disappointed each other. We loved each other. We challenged each other. We got each other. We frustrated each other. We wanted each other. We hurt each other. How does it end? How are you sure you aren’t supposed to be together? Why was it that every time we tried to date, it never worked? We both expected that to be so simple. But it was so tough. To just be a couple. Even though in every sense of the word, we already were. We’re both dating other people now. We still talk at times. We help each other and encourage each other. We remember old memories for a laugh. And in some ways, even though it should, our relationship hasn’t changed much. I’m scared I’ll always miss him. I’m scared no one will know me like him. I’m scared no one will get me like him. I’m scared no one will love me unconditionally like him. Yet, we both know we can’t be together. People say you never forget your first love, but what about your strongest love?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

show me, don't tell me


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

tokyo dreaming


I still see you in my dreams. Usually your hands are delicately wrapped around my face. Slowly you kiss each eyelid as if they were so precious they might break but each dream like this is terrifying. They haunt me of a time when you thought I spun gold from light. Of those times when each love letter left on your pillow was more poetic than the last. It’s in reliving these memories that I realise that I can no longer remember a time before now that I have loved anyone more. I struggle to find the words to describe the cataclysmic and heart rendering moments we shared. Where beneath Tokyo lights you grasped my hands and warmed them and I just knew. I knew that every person in this world deserved a moment like this. A moment where you knew how to be truly loved without the whisper of a single word.

My love knows no boundaries and if you give me a chance I will continue to show you the most faithful of hearts.

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