Photo via: hey_dima
Sometimes I think we were meant to be. Sometimes I think she’s not good for me.
I met her through a mutual friend. We got along well. Too well. The chemistry built, overtook us, scaring us both. But I was not what she wanted. Not at this time, not ever, in her ideal plan for her future.
Watching her go through a roller coaster of an emotional struggle every day while we dated – wanting to stay, but knowing she shouldn’t – hurt me in more ways than one. So I took the plunge and ended it for us.
Not long later, she found someone else to replace me. A similar me. And it killed me. Slowly, daily, every hour was just a sad reminder that I wasn’t the ideal. I wanted so bad to move on and put this behind. To find someone, whom I could give everything I gave to her, who would appreciate me. But she kept holding on to me, and knowing she needed me, I stayed. I stayed, throughout the entire time that I loved her but had to watch her date another me, on the pretext that I was not what she wanted. Still I stayed, lying to myself that I was still special to her, coz she needed me. I was always her rock, her shoulder, her blanket.
1 year later, they ended. They never had the chemistry we had and she knew it. But still, she didn’t want us. She wanted the perfect Him in her dreams. I still want to leave. And whenever I’m not with her, I can almost convince myself it’s possible. But every time we hang out, with each hug, each time she lies on my lap or holds my hand, I’m lost. As lost as I’ve been the past 1 and a half years.
And still I know, the only time there might even be a chance for an Us is another 4 and a half years down the road. Should I stay or should I go?
Sometimes, I just don’t want to know.
I met her through a mutual friend. We got along well. Too well. The chemistry built, overtook us, scaring us both. But I was not what she wanted. Not at this time, not ever, in her ideal plan for her future.
Watching her go through a roller coaster of an emotional struggle every day while we dated – wanting to stay, but knowing she shouldn’t – hurt me in more ways than one. So I took the plunge and ended it for us.
Not long later, she found someone else to replace me. A similar me. And it killed me. Slowly, daily, every hour was just a sad reminder that I wasn’t the ideal. I wanted so bad to move on and put this behind. To find someone, whom I could give everything I gave to her, who would appreciate me. But she kept holding on to me, and knowing she needed me, I stayed. I stayed, throughout the entire time that I loved her but had to watch her date another me, on the pretext that I was not what she wanted. Still I stayed, lying to myself that I was still special to her, coz she needed me. I was always her rock, her shoulder, her blanket.
1 year later, they ended. They never had the chemistry we had and she knew it. But still, she didn’t want us. She wanted the perfect Him in her dreams. I still want to leave. And whenever I’m not with her, I can almost convince myself it’s possible. But every time we hang out, with each hug, each time she lies on my lap or holds my hand, I’m lost. As lost as I’ve been the past 1 and a half years.
And still I know, the only time there might even be a chance for an Us is another 4 and a half years down the road. Should I stay or should I go?
Sometimes, I just don’t want to know.
