Wednesday, February 26, 2014

i need to walk out

Photo via: Sandra Beijer

I never thought that I’d get to know you. I remember the first time when we met, I was walking past the restaurant and our eyes met. You stared at me, so hard and long that it gave me the creeps, I wasn’t attracted to you yet at the point. It was at the company’s dinner and dance that you caught me in your net. You looked stunningly good in your suit. That cleanly shaved stubble, well waxed hair and those gorgeous blue eyes. When you stared at me again this time, it took my breath away...

Despite that encounter, I never thought I’d hang out with you or even get to know you in the slightest. But we still shared the longing glances and awkward smile. During my last day working in the HQ, I popped by the restaurant you worked in. That night sparked the start of something so wonderful… You took my hand, bought me drinks and we talked at the bar for what seems like hours. And before I left, you asked for my number. With that, we talked almost every other day, and I remember what you always told me, the times we spend talking seem so fleeting; there were always countless things for us to talk about.

It all happened so fast, I don’t even know what came first, or what followed, or how one thing lead to another- but before I knew it, we went from hanging out once a week, to twice a week and we would talk to each other every day. It was then I heard you were actually in a relationship with one of the bosses. I was suspicious, but I didn’t ponder too much on it because I didn’t know where it came from- and to be honest I kind of liked you and didn’t want us to end.

Then the day came when you told me that indeed what I heard was true… I’m shocked and everything seemed so messed up. What’s with the time we spent, and the undeniable great chemistry we shared that you told me you felt as well? Was that entirely unreal?

I pulled away to save myself from the heartache and you came to my new work place and we talked in your car. You told me you tried not to text me, but your mind just drifted to me when you were free. You really wished things could work out between us, but you do not want to lose everything you have worked for in SG. That look of agony on your face made me realise I really wanted you in my life because I thought I found somebody that really loved me. Many times we broke up, but always got back after and every single time it just made me feel that you really loved me and found it so hard to leave me. (Oh so silly).

Then we hooked up. I thought that would be the turning point, where we’d cross the line and go forth down that path, and everything would be perfect and fine. Because why wouldn’t it be? I loved everything about you, you loved everything about me, and what did we have to lose?

I soon learned that apparently wasn’t our life plan. I fought so hard for you. In my mind I knew you were it; the one I was supposed to experience everything with for the first time. You knew how to make me smile, and how to pick me up at the end of the day when I couldn’t do it myself. You’re someone I wanted to strive for, something I wanted to earn for myself. I wanted to earn your love. But she was in the way. The way that she glared at me made my stomach uneasy.

The turning point was when she broke your heart and left you for another guy. I thought things would have worked for us now, but you instead shrugged it off. I think you didn’t know what to think or what to do. You told me you just wanted to be alone to figure out things in your life, how you made a big mess and ruined her and me. You said you do not have the capacity for anything now. I believed you at that point, telling myself I need to give you time and I knew you would come around. But things kept getting worse, you stopped caring and stopped talking to me.

I couldn’t bear it any more and popped by your place last night. We cuddled and I thought things should be fine now, but you told me you still do not have the capacity for anybody. You’re still in love with her. You feel you’re at a age of settling down and wanted a family. You tried dating other people your age (We have age difference of 10 years), but you can’t put yourself in there anymore. I don’t know why it hurt me so bad… But I was here all along! Why wasn’t I given a chance to be in your life? Don’t I deserve a chance than those new girls you’re seeing? You said I am young and should be enjoying my life instead of being burdened down with an old man. But have you asked me what I want?

But it was this that made me realise that I need to walk out. It hurts real bad… but what hurts more is to think that maybe you are not that into me like I thought. I probably would have been deceiving myself thinking that you really loved me for the past years. I can’t stick around thinking things would work out because you never wanted something for us. It is hopeless to be here alone trying to make things work...

I wish I could be the one you wanted. The girl that could made a difference in your life. There are so many times when I dreamt of us walking down the aisle. And I still remember the conversation we had on how our kids would look like; brown hair, your blue eyes and my sweet personality.

I left last night heartbroken. I kissed you for the last time and I said I love you for the first and last time, but you didn’t say it back. You saw me walk out but you never come after me. I wish you would have run after me and made me stay like you used to.

Here I’m laying on my bed now, thinking of all those wonderful memories we had, thinking maybe what I felt from you wasn’t true...

I don’t know how long it will take to feel alright again… but I know I will… eventually. 
I wish that one day I can be moved by love again. And to fall into the arms of a man who doesn’t look at me for the things I don’t have, but cherishes all the things that I do have. He will look at all of my flaws and mend the damages you done. At the end of the day he will kiss me on the forehead and hold me close and call me his. Most importantly... I want a man who knows how to love me wholeheartedly and wants to work hand-in-hand with me for our future.



  1. Beautiful. Go forward in your life. If he wants you he will miss you. Let him come to you. If he doesn't there's such a better man for you. Enjoy yourself.

  2. It's time to move on sweetheart. You are strong. Best of luck.

  3. Beautiful post!!!

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