Sunday, December 1, 2013

let us at least try

Photo via: Charlotte-robin

I'm not going to go all stalker on you, but I at least want to put my thoughts down. I need to get this out for me and once again I am sorry for doing this. Seems I've always been good at hurting you and now is no different.

I was an unappreciative husband who didn't see how much I loved you.
I turned my back on you in your time of need.
I didn't fight to keep you until it was too late.
I didn't show my love for you on a regular basis.
I didn't keep you happy.
I tried to control you instead of letting you control yourself.
I, in part, allowed you to become so dependent on me.
I didn't make love to you every chance I got.
I expected you to turn off your illness to please me. With this one, there is some middle ground. I wanted you to see that you do have control and not to give up. I think I took it too far at times.
I didn't realize how much I was IN LOVE with you until it was too late
And most of all, I didn't make you want to stay with me.

For this and much more I am truly sorry. None of this is your fault. I allowed this to happen and then I let you walk out of my life thinking what I was doing was right for both of us. Don't continue to blame yourself for what is going on, I started it and let it continue. I have failed you as a husband, a lover, and a friend. Please don't blame yourself, see this for what it really is.

I would give anything to turn back time. Actually, I would rather not turn back time, as this would be a reminder of what could happen if I should slip again. I wish with all of me that you would allow us to at least try to put it back together. That's all I want is a chance to show you again that I can be the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. I want to make you love me again. I know you say you love me, but until you are back with me, I believe that you don't love me the way you did. And I can understand that because, as I have said, I let it get this bad.

You say you can't be with me because I deserve better. If that is the reason you won't come back, I really want you to rethink that. You are the woman of my dreams. You have been so good to me and stood by me no matter what. Please let go of what you think I deserve.

About you learning to take care of yourself, this can be done together. I promise that. I want to go to counseling with you so someone can help us sort that out. We can go to Amy or anybody you want. Say the word and I will make the appointment myself. If we were to get back together, you would keep your checking account and money and we would split bills up so that you are responsible for some and would have no choice but to learn to take care of things. We can do this together, I don't see this as a viable reason to stay apart. I also want to talk to someone about finding that area between me being too controlling and me acting like I don't care. I want to learn how to be a better husband to you.

What I do deserve is to be with someone who loves me so completely like you do. You have given me so much love and for that I am amazed. No one has ever loved me as you have, and probably never will. I have loved you more than I could believe I would ever love someone. I was very poor at showing it. I took for granted that you would always be there.

All I want is for us to try to put the pieces back together. I want us to really work at it as a marriage should be worked at. I guess I thought that a good marriage required no work. Boy was I wrong on that one. I promised to love you and stay with you no matter what, and I just want to keep that promise. You are everything to me and I feel like nothing without you. The pains in my stomach and chest have become unbearable. I want to hold you all night long and not let go. I want to lay around and kiss you like its going to be our last kiss. I want to feel your skin against mine. I want the deep passionate kisses that we shared. I want to hold you from behind and kiss your neck. I want to go places with you and show the world my love for you. I want to wake up in the morning and see your face first thing. I want to be there for you whenever you should stumble or need a shoulder to cry on. I want to cry on your shoulder when needed. I want to go on the dates we used to go on. I want to grow with you and watch the years go by as we grow old together. I want to buy you flowers and see the expression on your face when I walk in the door with them. I want to wake up in the morning with no place to go and just lay with you and play. I want to get up on a Saturday morning and go out to breakfast, but only if we can let go of each other long enough to get dressed. I want to take showers together and explore each other's body like we're making a map. I want to be that man you fell in love with again. I want you to feel safe when your with me and for me to feel safe when I'm with you. I want to playfully wake you up in the middle of the night for some fun. I want to brush your hair, rub your back and feet. I want to make you feel like the princess that you are tom me. I want to make love to you like we used to, so passionate and full of love. I still get butterflies thinking how we clicked together as if we were made to be together. I never knew what it was like to feel as one until I loved you. I want to be your husband and to spend every moment of my life with you.

Somehow, somewhere in your heart I know you want to come home. But you are scared. You think I deserve something else. I am telling you that I want you back as my wife. And, I guess I don't deserve you and can't blame you for not wanting to come back. But, all I want is a chance. Will it be champagne and roses every day? Of course not, no relationship will be. But can it be improved upon? Yes it can and it will be. I promise you that. If you should come home to me and we honestly try to put it back together and you're not happy with it, then you can leave. I will not think less of you. I just want to know that we truly gave this love we hve for each other all of the chances that it deserves. I pledge to you that I will do everything in my power to make this marriage what you want it to be, while being supportive and helpful to you in finding what you need to live a healthy life. I will be your legs when you cannot stand, your eyes when you cannot see, your mouth when you cannot talk. I need you to be my heart like you have been for the past 6 years. With you gone I feel like I don't have a heart. I lay in bed at night and find myself short of breath when I think of losing you. When you left, a piece of me left, a big piece. I can't live without that piece of me. It hurts to be awake at times.

I cannot believe this is happening. Tiffany, I swear to you, if you give us this last chance, I will not let you down again. I will do anything to win your heart back. Just come home to me and give it a shot. Please come home to me and make me the happiest man in the world for a second time. I truly love you more than life itself and just want us to give what we have the chance it deserves. Here's my thing, if God exists, then he specifically created you and I for the sole purpose of sharing our lives together. Why else would we have met, fell in love, been through thick and thin, and marry each other. Surely there must be a reason, and us being apart is not it. I'm going to do something tonight that I haven't done in years. I'm going to pray with all of my heart. These times call for it. I need you with me and I am willing to do anything to have you home with me.

I have completely poured myself out to you in this. I don't know if it will help or if I am fighting a losing battle. But, I've got to try. I've got to fight. I've got to show you that I can be that guy you fell in love with again. I can't promise I will give up fighting for you. I hate to hurt you, but I hate being apart from you even more. I hate thinking that you will not be my wife forever. I refuse to accept that we can't fix this. If you truly love me, and I truly love you, then we can truly do anything together. Whatever it takes, we can do it.

Please come home to me, please love me like you've loved me, and please allow me to love you and to be in love with you. Please come home and let us at least try, if anything to make sure. At least then we will know and won't have doubts down the road.

I love you Tiffany and I always will.

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