Friday, September 2, 2011
ph: Jordan Blanchard
Everyone has one- that one guy you just cannot seem to erase no matter how hard you try. He is the one who inconveniently pops into your mind just moments before you fall asleep, the name you hope to see appear on your phone, the guy who took an irretrievable piece of you at a time during your past. He may have been the one who hurt you or maybe you were the one who hurt him. Regardless of how it worked out, he is the guy you will never forget and the one you are thinking about while reading this. Yep...everyone has one.
This is to the guy that I cannot seem to erase-
I'm starting to think you were solely put in my life to cause me heartache. Every time I think I have finally forgotten you- there you are right back in my life to remind me. Yet still, there are times when I wish you had picked me. You had the simple choice all to yourself- me or her. The ball was completely in your court. We were both recently out of relationships, which made everything fresh and exciting, but when she wanted you back- you didn't just go running back, you sprinted. It all happened so fast you left me no time to react. I think you did it out of impulse because I know you regret it from time to time. But there it was, despite our undeniable connection, you picked her. You couldn't admit to yourself that you had fallen for me and I was so unexpectedly heartbroken I couldn't even fight back. That was it- you picked her and left me in a million little lonely pieces.
For months thoughts were constantly bouncing around in my mind about what I could have done or said to have changed your mind. Should I have told you that I loved you earlier? Should I have put my broken heart aside and fought for you? Or maybe it was just a lost cause from the start. Regardless, I hope you know that I would have been there for you whenever needed. Kind of like the night we laid on my floor and stayed up talking till morning- just because you needed someone to listen. I would have laughed at your lame jokes, listened to your music, and agreed with you when you were on one of your endless rambling tangents. I was always there, and always would have been. I know it was hard for you to let me go and sometimes you show that you haven't fully let go of me. You show it when I catch you looking at me, when you bring up a joke that you well know only I would understand, or the all too often drunken conversations when you tell me how much you miss me. But despite all of those things, you didn't pick me. It was a leap of faith that I was asking you to take, but you just stayed planted on the ground.
It's been 10 months now and I'd like to think that I am moving on. Sure, there are times when I wish you had picked me, when I wish it was you that was holding my hand and kissing me good night- but it's not. You didn't pick me. That is my reality. That is what I have to tell myself every time I am reminded of you.
I know you will always be that one guy to me. The one I fell head over heels for, the one that I will always question how it would be now had it worked out differently, and the one that I will always save a little piece of my heart for. But for now, I have glued myself back together and I am trying to start over new.
Maybe I can't erase you, maybe I'm not supposed to. But I need to do my best to put you in my past and forget about you because I can't let my last love be the one who left me stranded. Although I may be your unpicked, I am still holding out hope for the guy who does pick me.