Wednesday, May 4, 2011

torn between two


I will be 25 in May and until now I have never had a serious relationship with a guy in person, but that does not mean that I've never been in love. You see, I was born with a progressive disability that has led me to live the rest of my life in a wheelchair. For the longest time I have been struggling with self-acceptance and my own insecurities. I didn't believe that anyone would ever want to be with me or dare to love me because of my disability. My experiences with love had only proved me right. No guy wanted to be with me. Maybe they were afraid because they didn't know how to be with someone like me. I've tried online dating sites and even agreed to meet a few of them in person. Each of them were the same — liked me for my personality, before they knew about my physical disability, but had a change of heart once they've found out. None of them could see a future with me and, instead of trying, they chose to turn the other way. These moments of rejection were the hardest to pick myself back up from because I was already insecure. How could people be so shallow? So superficial? I felt hopeless and alone. I didn't believe that anyone would want me. Would I even want myself? I understood where these guys were coming from. Maybe I would have done the same if the tables were turned. But I also realized that they didn't deserve me and I didn't want them. I want someone who can see the person that I am first, and not my disability or my wheelchair. I want someone who will encourage and inspire me throughout life, and not place doubts in my mind or bring me down. There are enough people in this world who have less expectations of me, and I do not need them in my life to tell me that things are impossible without even giving me a chance. Honestly, it's always nice to have someone to love and enjoy life with, but I rather be on my own than to be with someone who can't see the person that I am — me.

And just when I had lost all hope in love...

Two years ago from now, I had met "Texas" through a videogame and fell in love unexpectedly. I remember feeling hesitant about it because it would be too complicated, but things had happened too fast and before I knew it we were both emotionally involved. We've texted and talked on the phone everyday, only falling more in love with each other. He has become one of the most important people in my life and the only one who can make me feel the way I do when I'm with him. As cliche as it sounds, I really can't imagine my life without him anymore and can see a future with him. I couldn't tell him though. Not yet. I've felt guilty everyday for not telling him the whole truth about me, but I was afraid to lose him. I just needed time — the right time — to finally tell him and be prepared for the consequences. That day finally came after almost two years. I don't know what had compelled me to tell him, but I could feel my whole heart on the line as the words came out. He didn't take it too well. He freaked out and wanted space to register what I had just told him. He had felt misled and lied to, and I couldn't blame him because it was true. At that very moment I had thought that I lost him for good. That everything that we had between us was suddenly gone. We had plans to meet, live together, get married and have kids. He said that it changes everything about our future. I was bombarded with questions that I couldn't even answer myself: Could I have kids? Would it be passed down to our kids? How will I take care of him when he's sick? I began to feel as if I carried a fatal disease with his reaction. I didn't like how low it made me feel and I wasn't going to let it continue to keep me down. After spending that night in endless tears, I woke up with a new perspective and decided that, if he couldn't see the person that I am beyond my physical disability, then I don't want him anymore. I knew that it only meant that he wasn't the right one for me. But it only took him a day until he had contacted me again. We were on the phone and I listened to him cry. He told me that he was very upset with me for being dishonest with him during all this time, but that he had talked with his sister and she had made him realize how happy I made him. He told me that he's never been this happy with anyone. That he still cares about me and loves me. He cried because he didn't know how long I would live considering my condition and didn't want to grow old alone, but also didn't want to be with anyone else. In the end, we decided to continue with our relationship because we still love each other. We'll just take it one step at a time — wait until we both graduate from college, try living together to see if we'll still work, and then marry. It was a reasonable solution. Unlike the other guys that I've met, he was willing to try and give us a chance. And I wasn't ready to lose him so I agreed.

But there's a twist...

I was home-schooled during my sophomore year in high school due to health issues so I spent most of my time on the computer playing games and socializing through chatrooms. That is when I met "Connecticut". I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we ended up "dating". He was the first guy that I had ever felt what I thought was "love" at the time, but we were both young and took each other for granted. Eventually we had broken up and lost contact. It took me a very long time to get over him and I never fully did. It definitely got easier as time passed, but I still thought about him from time to time and thought about getting back in touch again. We ended up finding each other on Myspace and Facebook over the years, getting in and out of contact with each other. I remembered the first time we had reunited on Myspace, I knew that we both still had feelings for each other because we would casually flirt through our comments to each other. But as soon as I felt myself falling for him again, I deleted him and told myself to never look back. After a few years, I found him on Facebook and felt that I was in a position to be friends with him again if he wanted to. It's been years and I was in love with "Texas". I knew it was safe. He accepted my friend request and we began chatting which led to us exchanging phone numbers and texting. It was completely platonic for me. Although I still cared for him, I only thought of him as a friend.

Or so I had thought...

As the days passed, he became more open about his feelings for me and confessed that he never stopped thinking about me. All of those years apart he had wanted to contact me, but was afraid that I hated him for some reason. I made it clear that I was in a relationship with someone and that I was in love. He wasn't going to give up easily though. At first, he wanted to wait and, as selfish as it sounds, hoped for "Texas" and I to break up. After awhile, he decided that he wanted to be with me even while I was still in a relationship with "Texas" because it was better than not having me at all. I admit — "Connecticut" said all the right things, showed more interest in me, and expressed his affection for me so easily — things that I've wanted to hear/see from "Texas". But both of them are different. "Texas" just isn't the type to express his affections the way "Connecticut" does. He does it differently and I'm learning that it's okay. Not everyone will love you the way you want them to. It doesn't mean that they love you any less. But my feelings for "Connecticut" had grown. I found myself getting jealous whenever there were other girls talking to him and missing him whenever we didn't talk. I love "Texas", but I like "Connecticut". I could see myself with either one. It was just a matter of who would be the one to love me for who I am — accept the whole package.

I told "Connecticut" about my disability. Surprisingly, he took it well. He didn't care that I was in a wheelchair. He didn't care what I had because it didn't change the way he feels about me. I was shocked with his reaction. It was unexpected and hard to believe. I mean, how could it not affect him? Why was his reaction so different from "Texas"? From all of the other guys that I've met? Maybe he's still oblivious. Maybe he needs to see me in person to fully understand what he's getting himself into. Or maybe he's just open-minded. Maybe he's the right one for me. He had even said that he didn't care if we couldn't have kids. He just wanted me. He's passionate about me.

So, there you have it. All of my life I had been alone and now I am torn between two guys. I know that I have stronger feelings for "Texas". I love him with all of me. I can feel it every time that I am with him. But I think that I am falling for "Connecticut" too. Is it even possible to love two people at once? I've decided that I'd wait until I meet both of them in person. I think that's the only way I'll know who truly accepts me and will love me for me. I can see a future with both. I just hope that I don't end up losing both in the end.

I love "Texas", but what if "Connecticut" is a better guy for me


  1. Hi, I've been following your blogs for some time. Usually I would just read because I dunno what to say. But today, after reading your post, I can't help but wanting to say something to you...

    You're still young, so take your time. No need to rush and choose right now. Just let it flow, and time, after you meet both guys in person of course, your heart will tell you where you should go.

    There's a saying in Indonesian Proverb (Im from Indonesia, btw) that says "Because love need not to choose. It always know where to go"

    Good luck, Im sure you'll find the one, as long as you don't give up. Love will always find a way =)

    "Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before"

  2. Are you writing all these or is it someone else's work? Just wondering!

  3. I don't mean this in a rude way but you sound very young. Don't worry so much or treat it so seriously, just have fun. You can't fall in LOVE with someone over the internet, you don't know what he's really like in person. Everyone can be anyone over the internet. Additionally, words are cheap. It is easy for guys to spend a few hours each day on the phone or over the internet exchanging sweet nothings. It may mean the world to you, their compliments and promises, but trust me, most guys would forget all that they've said it and go out and do jerk things right after. Gone down that line before when I was young and niave. Of course I'm not saying ALL guys are like this. But a lot are. Talk is very cheap. Good luck anyway, you'll find someone who deserves you! :) But first work on your insecurity, when it stops being a problem to you, you'll see it stop being a potential problems to boys you're interested in too.

  4. does Texas know about Connecticut? Hopefully you won't end up hurting them both in the end.. :/

  5. wow you seem to be in a predicament. I agree with the comment above me. I hope you dont end up losing them both.
    The both sound like amazing guys and i am sure that once you meet them you will know what our feeling are towards them. Cuz on the internet i can be suave and debinar when in person i am a complete jack ass... jjust saying. the phone, txt, computers allow us to put a mask on. just be careful and i wish you the best

  6. Thank you, le love, for sharing my story. And thanks to all of the readers for your thoughtful and kind comments. <3

  7. People e-mail their stories to lelove - I know because I got mine published.


    For the author of this post - I understand if Texas got mad, I don't like when people lie to me, whatever it is about. I also think that it's you feeling unsecure that makes your handicap such a big deal.

    People only think of you being in a wheelchair if YOU do - let go off those thoughts and live right now, love yourself because you're going to be you for a very long time.

    I was very shy before and thought "no one wants me", and well, no one did. Not because I am ugly or boring or other shallow things, but because it's much more hot with a person that is laughing and that are happy and feel secure about themselves.

    I probably sound very hard, I don't mean it that way. Love yourself and others will too - I wish I could go to you and tell you how awesome and beautiful you are - because I'm sure you are.

    Hope you get your feelings sorted out and remember - there will always be lovely persons that comes into your life, you just have to figure out if it's only a flirt or if it's real love because you will regret it forever if you end up chosing a fling over true love.

    Take care Anonymous, xoxo.

  8. in my honest opinion, if you really like "texas" you wouldnt feel like you're falling for "connecticut", because if you really liked someone, you wouldnt fall for someone else.

  9. Seriously, you have not met them so don't call it love. You don't know what you are talking about.

  10. I think you can fall in love with two persons. But you haven't even met them.. But don't fall for both! It makes it a lot harder. RUN. Run away to Texas.

  11. @Tess - I appreciate your comment, but that is a common and very expected opinion given the circumstance. Believe me, I've thought a lot about it before: How can you fall in love with someone whom you've never met? The thing is, meeting someone and interacting with them physically is only a side of a person. There are other sides too. In this case, I've fallen for their personality, the way they've interacted with me - regardless of how limited it is in this circumstance - but it still tells me something about them. I know many people are quick to judge or feel skeptical about something that isn't the norm, but I believe that love can be found in many shapes and forms, and in other parts of the world. You can live in denial, but you can't always choose who you fall for. I've been communicating with both guys for more than a year. I think that is a very long time to keep up a fake persona if that is the concern here. Besides, you can't really be fake on Facebook if you have a bunch of people on there who know you in person. There have been many instances that have led me to trust that these guys are genuine and sincere with their feelings for me. So yes, I've doubted and been skeptical towards all of this, but I've been given valid reasons to trust them. People will think of it as they wish, but I don't believe that anyone will truly understand how it works unless they have experienced something similar themselves.


  13. i love all of these love storys, but sorry.. this girl wonÄT be 25 in may.

  14. Not everyone will love you the way you want them to. It doesn't mean that they love you any less. < - - love these two sentences..

    and you know what they say...
    Don't Leave The One You Love For The One You Like Because The One You Like Will Leave You For The One They Love.

    I hope you find your answer!

  15. I'm usually very hesitant to judge other people - but this definitely takes out my critical side. I just can't believe in internet relationship. I suggest you meet both before you make up your mind.

  16. I agree with a couple other people's comments. An internet relationship CERTAINLY does not work out, it's just not possible. Also, this is very critical but I believe you are very naive about your condition. There is someone out there for you, I believe that everyone has a soul mate, and I do not think that a "relationship" can even be called that when it is done completely over the internet from hundreds or thousands of miles away. Go meet Texas and Conneticut to see who you have real chemistry with. You'll know when you first see them who is right for you.

  17. I love the Johnny Depp-quote someone posted, because I really think it's true. I think you do love Texas, but it might not be in the right way since you're falling for Connecticut. I won't say that you should do this or that, but I agree with those who already said that you should meet them both before you make any decisions.

    If I'd been in a wheelchair and people'd had a problem with that, I'd run them over. Then they'd have a real reason for having a problem with it ;)

  18. gosh, im at the same position as you, torn into two guys, one i love so deeply, and i know him since 2 years, and the other wich i knew recently and i like a lot, and trustme its so hard to decide, so i completly understand you. there is a saying that says that if you fall in love with 2 people, stay with the second because if you really be in love with the first love you woudnt had fell in love for the second

    i guess is true, i havent really find out what to do, but i wish all the best for you

  19. You know. I was always debating if I should submit an entry to this blog because I haven't read anything on here about a disability or what not. I'm 3'7", a little person which many consider a "disability". Love has always been a tough thing for me and reading this my heart melted.

    Because I really know exactly how you feel.

    I hope you'll make the right choice :)

    - Doris

  20. I usually like to read these text, but this one is just too bad. The story is bad and the grammar are even worse... or is it vice versa... can´t decide.

  21. To those that said internet relationship 'wont work' well I highly disagree with that. It can work and it will work if both of you believe in it, both of you genuinely love each other and both of you are ready to accept and overcome the challenges ahead. The key to it is unity and trust. I met my boyfriend online, fell in love with him and met him in real life once..and boy, I've never felt more bliss than that moment when we finally hug for the first time, kissed and have that physical side of the relationship. We're like almost 9000 miles apart but who cares, anything is possible when two people are in love. It's been 11 months being in internet relationship, known each other almost 3 years. We have our ups and down but we still love each other regardless. He's visiting in June and it will be another blissful 2 weeks visit :)

    Sorry for dragging the story :/ i just felt the need to prove that it can work. To the author, i know how you feel about the whole skeptical and doubting thing and i also know guys can be genuine over the internet since I've been down that road too, not all guys are bad. One of the best things about internet relationship is that it teaches a lot about communication, trust and loyalty that will come in handy in future. I honestly believe Texas and Connecticut are both good guys. Choose wisely and follow your gut, just remember to keep a positive attitude towards life. May you find the right guy that love you for who you are.


  22. @Micke - Sorry that you feel that way, but you don't have to like my story or comment if you don't have anything useful to say. This is not an English essay.

    @Doreese - I'm glad to see that my story has some positive responses such as yours and a few others on here. I would definitely encourage you to tell your story. I'd certainly be interested in reading it. :)

    @ Anonymous J - It is always comforting to see that someone else shares the same belief on "internet relationships". Like I've said, no one can truly understand how it works until they've experienced it themselves. Love has no boundaries. There is no rule on who or where you find love. Your heart decides that. Your story is inspiring, I hope that you will choose to share more of it. Thanks for the comment.

  23. Anon, you're the one being fake if anything. Hiding who you really are. People act a hell of a lot differently in person, and I'm sure any decision you make now will be fucked once you've met these guys. And yeah, I have done the online thing.

    -J (not the J from above)

  24. Well under your terms, you're being "fake" and hypocritical seeing that you're hiding your identity as well. I'm sorry but your personal experience with "the online thing" doesn't speak for everyone. We are all entitled to our own opinions, but that's just what they are - opinions - and yours are meaningless and bitter. So spread your anger elsewhere.

  25. Wow. I'm keeping my identity from strangers, whereas you're keeping secrets from people you "love". I was not bitter or angry toward you, I just thought you were a bit of a moron (confirmed!).


  26. It's alright, "Anonymous J". I can see how easy it is to pass judgement and negativity to others when your identity is concealed. You obviously have never been in love or you would probably be a little more understanding. It's a real shame to see such cruel hearted people in this world. I only hope someone will lead you to have a change of heart someday. Your opinion doesn't matter to me so I'd suggest that you don't bother replying. I'm not going to waste any more of my time with you either.

  27. Anonymous J, the whole thing is just none of your concern! mind your own business!

  28. Hey you :)

    good story, really liked it...
    But I have to agree with some of the other comments here - you have to meet up with these guys in person, because what you see over the chat or facebook isn't always what you get in real life...
    I DO believe that people can meet the love of their life over the internet, but you cant chat forever, so what are you waiting for? :) why dont you meet either Texas og Connecticut?
    The worst thing that can happend is that you find out you dont like eachother anyway, but wouldn't it be better to find out, than to waist your time over the internet? :)

    But good luck anyway, it's a hard dilemma you're in, because both guys seem great - but again they seem great OVER THE INTERNET ;)


  29. Why does you always updating with miserable love texts?
    I want to read more about happy love stories and happy endings!
    But I love your blog, keep up with the good work!

  30. really enjoyed reading your story :) and i hope you end up making the right choice xx

  31. Thank you!!! xoxoxo

  32. You can not fall in love with someone who you have never met. The iternet, texting, phone, its all different from in person. Dont make any decisons until you meet both of these guys. I thought I met my soulmate. He lived 1,000 miles away. We talked on Skype and the phone for 3 months before we met. It was perfect. Then we met in person and had zero chemistry. It was the most awkward situation. It's not love. Dont torture yourself thinking it is.

  33. There will always be a happy ending.. :) good things comes to that wait.. as the saying goes. x

  34. A couple of things before I address the original poster.

    1. Saying you can't like or be in love with two people at the same time is bullshit. If you're monogamous, sure, it's probably true that one of them has a higher intensity than the other. And while minor crushes are normal when you're in a relationship, anything with a higher intensity is probably cause to reevaluate your feelings towards both. But there's also something called polyamory, where the entire premise is that you are in love with and having relationships with multiple people. I know this is probably not Anon's situation, but it frustrates me to see people totally ignoring this and blithely assuming everyone can only be in love with one person at a time.

    2. It is entirely possible to fall in love with someone over the Internet! The wisdom as to having a serious solely online relationship without any in-person contact is a separate issue entirely; I don't think anyone is saying that this is a good idea. But if you fall in love with someone online and have a relationship wit PLANS to meet in person and go from there, there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's a risk you have to take.

    Anyway, onto my actual advice to the original poster, which is nothing really new. I'd just echo everyone's sentiments of meeting them both and seeing how you get along in person. Personally, I think you may just be caught up in your reunion with CT and it's easy to be distracted with a crush like that, when your only contact is over the Internet. But there's a chance that this could show you you're making a mistake, so I would just wait to make a decision until you've hung out with both in person. That's the only way you can really know.

  35. Thank you to the last Anonymous comment. Those were my thoughts exactly and I appreciate the thorough breakdown of it. I don't think that people realize that some people can take a relationship seriously whether it is through online or in person, and that most people would not waste so much time "faking" it if that's the case. You can love someone whom you've never met in person because you've gotten to know them through communication and interaction - that still shows something about the other person. Can you tell two blind people in a relationship that they cannot be in love with each other simply because they can't see each other? To me, it's kind of the same scenario. You don't need a person physically to be in love. But I do agree that you need to physically be together eventually for a relationship to last in the end.

  36. I love this blog so much and am a hopeless romantic but I relate to your story in the sense that yes I am disabled too and yes it can making dating harder then the average person.

    1st I would say meet them.

    2nd I would say that I have met a lot of Disabled people that have spent their lives wanting to be loved and when they find it they tend to settle for example I met a couple he was a wheel chair she was not. she says

    "I cheat on him all the time its not like he can come catch me doing it"

    when I asked him why he stayed with her he said "I can't get any better so I stay"

    So please just don't settle because you don't think you'll find someone!

    Good luck!

  37. It is possible to love two people in the same time. There is a lot of love in you. Take your time, as you said, you must meet them both in person first.<3

  38. hi!i've never got interested in reading blogs until i got to this situation that i've loved two guys and it ended up hurting them both and almost losing them both..

    what i can say is that don't rush on choosing who to love. Ofcourse , you should be honest on the things they have to know. Ive been torn between two lover, and my issue is still fresh actually. it feels like its killing me coz ive hurted the people who loves me..

    going back, dont rush, at first, you really havnt met them in person yet, yes, guys are passionate, they can be discontented most of the time, dont get me wrong but you have to test first the guy, to be wth you or see you in person and by spending time with you.

    You will see if HE is THE ONE you have to live your life with.. Just be strong and just have faith in GOD and yourself that it will come at the right time -The RIGHT PERSON-

    Dont make yourself fall too much for the one you havnt seen and tested yet. Cause guys are good in WORDS. Just words,, but they cant keep and do their Promises.

    godbless. xoxo

  39. To those who don't think Internet relationships are possible: that's not entirely true.

    It's true that sometimes it's totally different in person. Sometimes the chemistry you felt when you talked on the phone into the early hours of the morning just isn't there when you finally meet in person.

    Sometimes, however, the chemistry is further intensified upon meeting. I met my boyfriend (now my fiance) through the Internet and we've been blissfully in love since 2007.

    OP, the only advice I can offer you is to pick now. Make a decision. Sure, "Connecticut" may have had what you considered to be the "right" reaction to your disability, but don't forget that you carried on a relationship with "Texas" for two years before telling him. That kind of thing is always going to be a shock to the system - his reaction was totally normal.

    What's important is the fact that he came back. Who cares if "Connecticut" didn't mind? Where has he been in the two years that you've been with "Texas"? Furthermore, what's this crap about "wanting to be with you while you were still in a relationship with Texas"?

    I can't tell you what to do because every situation is different but do not risk alienating "Texas" for someone who is proven to be unreliable. If you love "Texas", throw everything you have into that relationship and believe that it'll work out.

    I promise you - it'll be worth it.

  40. To the last anonymous comment:

    Thank you for putting things in perspective. Seriously. I truly appreciated all of the positive and genuinely supportive comments on here, but yours made me realize some very important details. You're right. "Texas" came back and is showing that he's still willing to give us a try even after the whole "shock". That alone means a lot. I also appreciate your comment because I feel like you can understand where I'm coming from. So thank you for this, and thank you for sharing your experience. It's always uplifting to see that "Internet relationships" can be real love. :)

  41. sorry to say but this story was sort of pathetic..

  42. I would advise to meet both, from experience I know that you can love two people. But although online relationships can and do work a very important part of learning about someone is through meeting them. There are things that you just can't find out about online. I find it strange how you can decide to dedicate your entire life to someone without spending at least a day in their company. You never know they might drive you crazy.

    Also before you start to try a double relationship, please consider how you would feel if 'Texas' started talking to someone else online. Would you feel comfortable or betrayed? I've sat with far to many crying friends to advocate this kind of behavior, but I refuse to judge you, because I understand. I have made that mistake already, and the guilt tore me up for ages.

    I wish you the best of luck

  43. OMG why are you actually tripping. Its over the f*cking internet and you have never met them in person.

    I think the real problem her is talking to "texas" about getting married together, having kids and you have never met him.

    I could go on and on but this is a waste of my energy.

  44. Wow It's Realy good

    see this link :-

    I suggest a visit to the exhibition and include the following link:

  45. To OP: I'm glad I could help. Don't listen to those naysayers who try to bring you down with nasty comments - they don't count.

    Check in later and let us know how it worked out for you - because it will work out for you! :)

  46. I absolutely tie in with anything you've presented us.

  47. in my humble opinion i think you just enjoy connecticut's attention and the sweet things he says. i think texas sounds like a keeper.

  48. This won't actually have success, I think so.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...