Wednesday, May 4, 2011

torn between two


I will be 25 in May and until now I have never had a serious relationship with a guy in person, but that does not mean that I've never been in love. You see, I was born with a progressive disability that has led me to live the rest of my life in a wheelchair. For the longest time I have been struggling with self-acceptance and my own insecurities. I didn't believe that anyone would ever want to be with me or dare to love me because of my disability. My experiences with love had only proved me right. No guy wanted to be with me. Maybe they were afraid because they didn't know how to be with someone like me. I've tried online dating sites and even agreed to meet a few of them in person. Each of them were the same — liked me for my personality, before they knew about my physical disability, but had a change of heart once they've found out. None of them could see a future with me and, instead of trying, they chose to turn the other way. These moments of rejection were the hardest to pick myself back up from because I was already insecure. How could people be so shallow? So superficial? I felt hopeless and alone. I didn't believe that anyone would want me. Would I even want myself? I understood where these guys were coming from. Maybe I would have done the same if the tables were turned. But I also realized that they didn't deserve me and I didn't want them. I want someone who can see the person that I am first, and not my disability or my wheelchair. I want someone who will encourage and inspire me throughout life, and not place doubts in my mind or bring me down. There are enough people in this world who have less expectations of me, and I do not need them in my life to tell me that things are impossible without even giving me a chance. Honestly, it's always nice to have someone to love and enjoy life with, but I rather be on my own than to be with someone who can't see the person that I am — me.

And just when I had lost all hope in love...

Two years ago from now, I had met "Texas" through a videogame and fell in love unexpectedly. I remember feeling hesitant about it because it would be too complicated, but things had happened too fast and before I knew it we were both emotionally involved. We've texted and talked on the phone everyday, only falling more in love with each other. He has become one of the most important people in my life and the only one who can make me feel the way I do when I'm with him. As cliche as it sounds, I really can't imagine my life without him anymore and can see a future with him. I couldn't tell him though. Not yet. I've felt guilty everyday for not telling him the whole truth about me, but I was afraid to lose him. I just needed time — the right time — to finally tell him and be prepared for the consequences. That day finally came after almost two years. I don't know what had compelled me to tell him, but I could feel my whole heart on the line as the words came out. He didn't take it too well. He freaked out and wanted space to register what I had just told him. He had felt misled and lied to, and I couldn't blame him because it was true. At that very moment I had thought that I lost him for good. That everything that we had between us was suddenly gone. We had plans to meet, live together, get married and have kids. He said that it changes everything about our future. I was bombarded with questions that I couldn't even answer myself: Could I have kids? Would it be passed down to our kids? How will I take care of him when he's sick? I began to feel as if I carried a fatal disease with his reaction. I didn't like how low it made me feel and I wasn't going to let it continue to keep me down. After spending that night in endless tears, I woke up with a new perspective and decided that, if he couldn't see the person that I am beyond my physical disability, then I don't want him anymore. I knew that it only meant that he wasn't the right one for me. But it only took him a day until he had contacted me again. We were on the phone and I listened to him cry. He told me that he was very upset with me for being dishonest with him during all this time, but that he had talked with his sister and she had made him realize how happy I made him. He told me that he's never been this happy with anyone. That he still cares about me and loves me. He cried because he didn't know how long I would live considering my condition and didn't want to grow old alone, but also didn't want to be with anyone else. In the end, we decided to continue with our relationship because we still love each other. We'll just take it one step at a time — wait until we both graduate from college, try living together to see if we'll still work, and then marry. It was a reasonable solution. Unlike the other guys that I've met, he was willing to try and give us a chance. And I wasn't ready to lose him so I agreed.

But there's a twist...

I was home-schooled during my sophomore year in high school due to health issues so I spent most of my time on the computer playing games and socializing through chatrooms. That is when I met "Connecticut". I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we ended up "dating". He was the first guy that I had ever felt what I thought was "love" at the time, but we were both young and took each other for granted. Eventually we had broken up and lost contact. It took me a very long time to get over him and I never fully did. It definitely got easier as time passed, but I still thought about him from time to time and thought about getting back in touch again. We ended up finding each other on Myspace and Facebook over the years, getting in and out of contact with each other. I remembered the first time we had reunited on Myspace, I knew that we both still had feelings for each other because we would casually flirt through our comments to each other. But as soon as I felt myself falling for him again, I deleted him and told myself to never look back. After a few years, I found him on Facebook and felt that I was in a position to be friends with him again if he wanted to. It's been years and I was in love with "Texas". I knew it was safe. He accepted my friend request and we began chatting which led to us exchanging phone numbers and texting. It was completely platonic for me. Although I still cared for him, I only thought of him as a friend.

Or so I had thought...

As the days passed, he became more open about his feelings for me and confessed that he never stopped thinking about me. All of those years apart he had wanted to contact me, but was afraid that I hated him for some reason. I made it clear that I was in a relationship with someone and that I was in love. He wasn't going to give up easily though. At first, he wanted to wait and, as selfish as it sounds, hoped for "Texas" and I to break up. After awhile, he decided that he wanted to be with me even while I was still in a relationship with "Texas" because it was better than not having me at all. I admit — "Connecticut" said all the right things, showed more interest in me, and expressed his affection for me so easily — things that I've wanted to hear/see from "Texas". But both of them are different. "Texas" just isn't the type to express his affections the way "Connecticut" does. He does it differently and I'm learning that it's okay. Not everyone will love you the way you want them to. It doesn't mean that they love you any less. But my feelings for "Connecticut" had grown. I found myself getting jealous whenever there were other girls talking to him and missing him whenever we didn't talk. I love "Texas", but I like "Connecticut". I could see myself with either one. It was just a matter of who would be the one to love me for who I am — accept the whole package.

I told "Connecticut" about my disability. Surprisingly, he took it well. He didn't care that I was in a wheelchair. He didn't care what I had because it didn't change the way he feels about me. I was shocked with his reaction. It was unexpected and hard to believe. I mean, how could it not affect him? Why was his reaction so different from "Texas"? From all of the other guys that I've met? Maybe he's still oblivious. Maybe he needs to see me in person to fully understand what he's getting himself into. Or maybe he's just open-minded. Maybe he's the right one for me. He had even said that he didn't care if we couldn't have kids. He just wanted me. He's passionate about me.

So, there you have it. All of my life I had been alone and now I am torn between two guys. I know that I have stronger feelings for "Texas". I love him with all of me. I can feel it every time that I am with him. But I think that I am falling for "Connecticut" too. Is it even possible to love two people at once? I've decided that I'd wait until I meet both of them in person. I think that's the only way I'll know who truly accepts me and will love me for me. I can see a future with both. I just hope that I don't end up losing both in the end.

I love "Texas", but what if "Connecticut" is a better guy for me
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