Saturday, December 4, 2010

this is me moving on


scarabuss

Stephen,

I'm writing you to tell you that I'm moving on. Which may or may not mean anything to you, but honestly that is beside the point. Writing this letter to you is more for my sake, and pretty much has less to do with you receiving it and more about me writing it. You see I am a true master at not dealing with things. I'm sure you could see that, I'm not fooling anyone so I'm not going to fool myself anymore. I push all the hurts and the scars and the less than lovely things into deep recesses in my mind to forget about. That is until something small and insignificant arises that reminds me of whatever it is tucked away into those neat little boxes in my mind turning me into a complete mess once again. I can never move forward because of this. You once said you wanted to see me fly. In order to do that I have to deal with all the shit that's weighing me down and keeping my feet from leaving the ground.

I have the chance to be with someone good. Someone who is genuine and has the time and patience to deal with a girl like me. Someone who I believe I can open up to, and not use whatever I say against me. I've realized that I need to learn to love the things that are good for me, and he might very well be one of those things. So in order to not fuck up this beautiful opportunity for happiness, I need to deal with us. Here I go...

I do not know why I feel attached to you. It's not like we were together very long. And it's not like we were even together. maybe it was the first night with you. Perhaps it was riding on a motorcycle for the first time. Or walking through the darkness to the waterfall. Or you scooping me up in your arms and that first kiss. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that I did not feel afraid at all with you. You spent that whole night with me on my tiny uncomfortable couch, and in the weeks to come I would memorize the sound of you breathing. And when you talked in your sleep and it sounded like "I love you." which made me laugh. Mainly because I knew that's not what you said. It was probably just gibberish, but it made me wonder if perhaps I would want you to tell me those words in the future. I never thought that we would top that first date. And for a while we didn't come close. Until that night you showed up on my doorstep without warning because you knew my heart was breaking. And you sat with me outside and let me cry and didn't force me to talk because you knew I wasn't quite ready yet.

I think that was when I unconsciously gave you my heart. Because it wasn't about us, it was about me and my brokenness, it was about the well being of my soul and you cared about that. That's what made you different than the others. I tried to tell myself that you used me. Because I know how to deal with liars and pretenders and manipulators. Because I can cry and eat a pint of ice cream and say 'fuck boys' and then get over it. It's much harder to get over someone who at one point cared for me. And I'm not even sure if I know how but I'll do my best. I thought maybe that closure was the answer. But I don't even think this idea of closure even exists.

"Closure" is just a term created by people so they can ask the same questions over and over hoping that someday they might get a different answer. I don't need any answers. I never really understood why you didn't want me anymore, and perhaps I never will, but that doesn't really matter. Because the fact is that you didn't want me anymore. And all I can do is accept that. And I do, I accept that. I'm not going to forget about you. That's not my goal here. My goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned about myself and the things I learned about people and life without feeling the pain that goes a long with these kinds of things.

So finally, this is me moving on. This is me wishing you well in whatever you pursue. This is me wishing you joy and happiness. And to one day, perhaps, being friends.

-Kate.

27 comments:

  1. This made me cry! I'm glad I read this, it's exactly how I feel. I was seeing this guy for 8 months, off and on, he would dissappear, then show up at my door at 4am and pick up where he left off. I cared about him too much to tell him no. He's beautiful, and has so much talent and potential in life. But he's an addict. I'd like to believe that it's the drugs and not him. That the times he made me feel important and beautiful were real. The other night he dragged me along for hours on the phone telling me he was coming over to see me. He never showed up. I called him and he answered "hello?HELLO?" like he couldn't hear me. I smashed my phone against the wall and drove to his house. He was kicked out but I talked to his mom. She told me everything I already knew. I can't put myself through this anymore. He was my first love, and the first to break my heart. I know I deserve better, and I think he knows it too. I just want the pain to stop.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am sorry about what I have to say. Because I know that Lelove has many followers, and for a long time I loved this blog. It's a door open into so many different hearts and stories. But Lelove is "dedicated to love. the good, the bad and the unknown". So I am wondering, where is the good love? It seems as only the sad stories, or the unhappy ones, or the confused ones, are the ones published. And I don't believe for one second that there haven't been any submissions sent in about good love, perfect love, true LASTING love. Because I am one of those experiencing that and I sent in my story during the summer. So today, after 6 months, Lelove, you have lost me as a reader.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bonito texto y bonita foto!
    Un besazo

    ReplyDelete
  4. i almost cried.. this gave me so much power and the strength i needed to really go for the guy i can (gladly) call my boyfriend for six months now. thankyou so much,
    really,
    and girl, you will be fine if you just jeep trying and don't lose hope. you will.
    i wish you all the luck in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sapphire and Kate,

    Always remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. I've also recently experienced being dumped by a guy who treated me badly.

    To the two of you and everyone else out there who had their heart broken by assholes: Promise me you'll never put up with it again.

    Besides the asshole I haven't stopped believe in love. I know that Mr. Right is out there somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is something that I needed to read. Especially the last part about closure. Perfection in every way!

    ReplyDelete
  7. so much of what you wrote relates to me and my life at this moment. I think that's the great thing about this site.. Knowing that we're not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  8. cutest video ever : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-LTCpc86fw for those who don't know it

    ReplyDelete
  9. "My goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned about myself and the things I learned about people and life without feeling the pain that goes a long with these kinds of things.

    So finally, this is me moving on. This is me wishing you well in whatever you pursue. This is me wishing you joy and happiness. And to one day, perhaps, being friends."

    This is my favorite part; always end on good terms and wish them well, and good things will come to you in return.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you. I have the same "problem".
    That someone who once cared is hard to let go off. Oh, thank you for writing this. It helps me to move on.

    ReplyDelete
  11. exactly what i needed!!!

    Closure" is just a term created by people so they can ask the same questions over and over hoping that someday they might get a different answer. I don't need any answers. I never really understood why you didn't want me anymore, and perhaps I never will, but that doesn't really matter. Because the fact is that you didn't want me anymore. And all I can do is accept that. And I do, I accept that. I'm not going to forget about you. That's not my goal here. My goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned about myself and the things I learned about people and life without feeling the pain that goes a long with these kinds of things.

    just perfect

    ReplyDelete
  12. "It's much harder to get over someone who at one point cared for me."

    True and painful to the core.

    ReplyDelete
  13. A wise girl kisses, doesn't love. Listen, but doesn't believe and leaves before she is left.

    My ex left me 1,5 month ago. I wish I have known this "poem" back then!

    ReplyDelete
  14. AHHHH THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO A BOY CALLED..ADEL!

    ReplyDelete
  15. http://myabstinence.blogspot.com/December 5, 2010 at 8:12 PM

    Now I really hope that the woman I will hopefully one day get back with - doesn't feel like this!

    ReplyDelete
  16. your definition of closure is dead on. beautiful piece

    ReplyDelete
  17. Really well written and so candid and honest. Kudos for being able to write such a sincere piece.

    I wish you all the best

    ReplyDelete
  18. I admire your courage and your letter is very inspirational to me. I'm still trying to learn how to let go of my ex and your words have inspired me a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  19. It's eerie how much that tet could be written by me. But instead of Stephen, it would be Michael. I feel for you, I really do. And good for you to have the courage to publish it!

    ReplyDelete
  20. This really feels like I could've written it. It's exactly how I feel. You're supposed to 'forget' the person you loved and stop loving him with all you have. But sometimes that's not the right thing. Sometimes the right thing is to accept, accept that you won't forget him, and you will always love him (maybe a different kind of love, but a love still). So this is what I'm doing too, accept it, and slowly it will fade to the background. And deep down you know, that this love you had with him.. it isn't only possible with him. You too, know that you can attain it yet again, so let him in, but only, only if he's truly worthy.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Kate,
    This is beautiful. Words can not describe how jealous I am you can write out everything and let go. You deserve mr. wonderful and he is lucky to have you. This was such an inspiring letter that after I read it I wrote my ex a letter. I sent it to him. I know he will probably never care nor will he write back but I needed him to know how he made me feel. Please keep writing, you have such a talent with words.
    Love always,
    Lin :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. i can relate to you in every way, especially the "I do not know why I feel attached to you. It's not like we were together very long. And it's not like we were even together".
    unlike you,its so hard for me to accept that He,the one i love,doesnt want me.i dont know if i can ever accept it,can ever think about him without the pain.
    but your story let me know im really not alone.thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  23. hugs <333 you'll get better i promise(:

    -gwen

    ReplyDelete
  24. You guys have no idea how much all of these comments mean to me. Writing this letter to him was something I had to do. And while writing it was emotionally difficult, it helped me so much. It's wonderful to read that by sending it here it is helping others as well.

    -Kate.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I have no words. You seriously took them out of my mouth. :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...