Thursday, October 14, 2010

maybe one day


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When he texts me saying he really wants to see me, I light up inside. But moments are always fleeting. I just imagine him saying it to me because who he really wants to see doesn’t want to see him. She put him on the backburner and doesn’t need him right now. He needs me right now, because he can’t have her. I am a distraction. I make him feel warm inside, I soothe his pain, and when he’s around me he isn’t haunted and consumed by thoughts of her. I can briefly take away his pain, but moments are always fleeting. He can hurt me. Once he’s over her, he won’t need me. I’m dispensable and he’s broken. And this is the way our unfair world works.

He needs me.

I want him.

Everyone wants to be needed.

Everything he tells me: every thought, every dream, every feeling has already been told. The things he told her, she must have known everything about him. He knew her like the back of his hand. He loved her. He loves her. He needs me. Temporarily. I think of him, and can only think of her. I’m not her. Does he want me to be? Am I like her? Does he wish I were like her? Will he ever stop loving her?

I don’t know if I want him if I can’t have all of him. I know that’s a lie, of course I want him. I just don’t want to want him. When he looks away and is distant, is he thinking of her? I can’t see us together. Thinking of him, hearing his name, brings butterflies to my stomach, but it’s not right. I can’t see us together. It’s as if the world was supposed to have him and her together. Like it was right. It is right. It’s just not the right time.

We connect though. We have chemistry we’re comfortable in each other. We have become all too comfortably numb.

What happens when she wants him back?

But I already know the answer to that.

Maybe one day he’ll love me. Maybe one day he won’t want her; won’t want me to be her. Maybe one day he’ll think I’m truly beautiful and look at me the way I look at him every time I see him. But then again, maybe one day I’ll get over him. Maybe one day I can look at him and say, “You’re so not worth this” and actually believe it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to think about someone else.

59 comments:

  1. I love this so much. it made me sad though, took me back to 5 years ago when that was me. You will get over him, I promise.

    xo

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  2. I was waitin for affection
    but I was lookin in the wrong direction
    what I needed was
    not so much to be loved
    as to love

    -Jonathan Richman

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  3. u remind me of me last year. he never got over her hurting him. i realize now i could have been replaced by any other girl. he just needed that pseudo gf spot in his life filled at the time.

    the realization doesn't make it any easier or hurt any less.

    these situations just end with either happily ever after (rare) or u being so shattered u spend ur time just trying to put urself back together - and promising ull never ever let someone get close enough to shatter u again.

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  4. If you truly love him, then you won't get over it...you won't look at him differently someday and you won't forget him. I'm not trying to discourage you, but this is the truth, at least as i've experienced it. That's Love, take it or leave it!

    http://lovers-shore.blogspot.com/

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  5. written so beautifully. wow. I could feel the emotions behind this. you will get over him and find someone who deserves your passion.

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  6. I'm in the same boat as you. You literally took the feelings out of my heart and put them into words. For me, this guy just got back together with his girlfriend, and it kills me. I would truly be happy just being friends but he can't even give me that much because his girlfriends so psycho. He ignores me and pretends like i dont exist while at the same time tries to convince me we're still friends. I hope you find someone that truly deserves you and makes you happy because he doesn't deserve you.

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  7. yes, you will get over it soon, just begin hang out with other guys and you will realize it.No one is irreplaceable.Only at the beginning is that, sometimes, hurts a little.
    He is a fool who does not deserve you.

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  8. no no no, please leave him for yourself. it takes courage and it will be very hard - but it's worth it in the end. it will hurt, but being in this condition will hurt you more in the end. you can't live on with being nr2 when you should be treated as nr1. or maybe you have to step it up and talk to him? hm, this situation sucks. but you deserve to be loved unconditionally by someone who puts you first and above everyone else. :( GOOD LUCK! you're too good for him right now..

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  9. This was, in a weird way, like looking in a mirror.. It doesn't stop hurting; however many times the story repeats itself it doesn't get easier.
    But I hope that it does for you. x

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  11. "I just don’t want to want him. "

    Thats how I feel everyday :(..Very baeutifully written!

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  12. Your love story is quite good, I really love to read this....

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  13. I love this. It has soo much emotion behind every word you've written.
    I think in some strange way we've all been "that" girl.
    The one they go to, to forget about another for a little while. Once they are back to being happy they forget about you and you continue to think about them.
    It's another case of "why can't it be me, why does it have to be her?".
    But one day you will pass this. One day some knight in shining armour will rescue you from this nightmare. I promise you.
    Good heart and souls don't get mistreated all through life. They just have experiences and will be rewarded at the end. Trust me.

    All the best wishes from me to you.
    You don't deserve someone who treats you second best. You are above and beyond him. Your good nature shows it - he can't see it for what it is and takes advantage of it !

    Good luck sweety.
    Lola
    xo

    loveloladoll.blogspot.com

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  14. Thank you. For feeling exactly what I am trying to put into words. 谢谢你。对不起。

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  15. this killed me. beautiful.

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  16. i can't believe how perfectly you just translated your emotions, as well as those of others, because i for sure have experienced/am experiencing this now, as are other people around the world. you just encapsulated the pain of unrequited love and the hollow hopes that most of us can't even bear to acknowledge. i admire you.

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  17. you just described my last nine months.
    I will forever not be her, and this kills me.
    She doesn't appreciate him the way I did.

    I know what you are going through.
    much love xo

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  18. I know exactly what that is...

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  19. I went through this exact same situation..he needed me and I had always wanted him to be mine...I wasn't her though. He stung me along for months because I numbed his pain. As soon as she realized that she wanted what she had he took her back no questions asked. He broke my heart and it took months for me to realize that I needed to get over it. It hurt a lot, but at the end of the day I realized I never wanted a guy who wouldn't treat me like I was the best thing in his life. I am happy to say that I have recently found someone who loves me just as much as I love them. Never settle for someone who isn't ready to love you fully. What I learned is that when two people want different things someone ALWAYS gets hurt. Good luck.. I know it's hard, but you are worth so much more then being a back burner!

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  20. Im so sorry. I hope that day comes soon for you and your pain can stop

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  21. Hope one day you'll be the one to think of someone else when kissing him ?

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  22. thats so hearttouching.....such a wonderfull text !!!

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  24. the same situation, the same thinks, but I really believe that everything is gonna be ok, and we gonna be happy no matter together we or not.

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  26. beautiful & sad. i`m sure you`ll think about someone else someday, even though it's hard... :)

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  27. That was touching , I can totally understand your feelings right now , 'cause I've been through this before , look sweetheart , you don't deserve to be number 2 , try your best to forget him because at the end you'll get hurt and you have no idea how things will be when he'll get over her or when she'll come back to him , things will be complicated , leave him now , it's the best for you .

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  28. Such a sweet header you have!

    http://edithinga.blogspot.com

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  29. you will get over him. With time. With time, you'll think of him less and less, and in the end you'll forget him. What always happens to me though is that when I finally get over something, and I don't care anymore, that is when what I'd been dying for for so long finally comes true...

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  30. Wow i can relate to this so much, i was like that 1 year ago, this amazing and beautiful boy kissed me, but he
    was heart broken, we had so much fun, but deep inside i knew i was being used. She called him and he told me he was confused, i told him i didn't wanted to see him anymore i was liying but it was for the best, i criad my heart out during the holidays, when i went back to college he was in all of my classes, we had breakfast in the cafeteria almoust everyday but he was with her, he talked to me about their constant fighting and i lied about dating a lot of guys, then i will go home and cry, and cry and cry......
    I thought i was getting over him when he told me
    They had broken up, didn't believed at first, but we started to kiss again, to laugh, to sleep thogether, he told me
    He wanted me, and my heart had an almoust umbreakable shield, but he broke the shield, he worked hard and still does to be in my heart, he asked for forgiveness, he told me how things were for him, i told him about all the damage he did to me, and we listened and cry and he held me and promissed not to let go again, he goes to my family meetings, he helps me with my homework, he makes me
    laugh, he undestands my recovery from an eating disorder and he is not afraid of it, he looks at me like no one , he loves me he tells me every night while he is holding me, he is not letting go.

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  31. I'm never one to admit to things easily, but honestly, I felt a sting in my heart when I read this piece. Thank you so much for writing this, it feels really good to know that I'm not the only one who's going through all these as well. Let's just hope and pray that things will get better soon for all of us. xoxo, Aimee Em.

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  32. everyone does want to be needed, but you deserve so much better than this

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  33. how can one love someone who used to love someone else.

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  34. i love this... i hope it'll be better for you because you sound like you deserve it.

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  35. I am feeling this, it hurts a lot to love someone you can't have and can't have you either, i guess some things are just not meant to be. i need to move on.

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  36. beautiful. my best friend has been in this situation with her last 2 "relationships". it was hard for her as well as for me (to help her through it.)

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  37. honestly, i secretly want to be the girl you're talking about.

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  38. One day you will be able to say he's so not worth it and it will feel good. I know all too well. I've been in this place but with less information. I suspected but didn't certainly know that I was a needed distraction. Without having all the pieces to the puzzle, I've concluded that's probably what I was to him while accepted I'll never know the actual answer. I held on to him for two years. It's just recently that I've let go and finally been able to confidently say, "He's so not worth this. He really wasn't as fabulous in reality as I made him out to be in my head." And I know it's true. It's such a relief and wonderful feeling. It can only help me clear emotional space for someone who is truly great for me.

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  39. Wow. That text is like ripped out of my diary from the spring 2009. Only that I had a relationship with the guy and his ex tried manipulating me, becoming my friend while trying to seduce him. But you know what? Today I hate that guy who did all those horrible things to me, and I can't think of a person more awful than him and his ex. I have nightmares almost every night, where he cheats on me and I feel so angry and betrayed I could kill him, and I wake up close to tears.

    But I'm in a happy relationship still with the same man. At least technically.

    After I found out his was emotionally cheating on me, and his ex was a manipulating whore (although she had a boyfriend at the time), I left him. And he was even more brokenhearted. And then he changed. He realized what I meant to him. And it took some time, about half a year before he made the total transformation.

    Tomorrow we're celebrating more than one and a half year together, and I have no regret going through all that pain. Sure, it still haunts me, and I still feel bad, but he makes me so happy, and he's there for me. He holds me tight every time I wake him up after one of those awful dreams, and he comforts me when I feel I need to talk about it.

    So I know how you feel. It's hell - the place you're in right now. I have never felt worse in my entire life, but the place you're fighting to be at - it's heaven, and that's worth all that pain.

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  40. I was in the exact same situation about 2 years ago. I did not give up because I knew that they were exes for a reason and that reason will come back and bite them in their butts! ;)
    So if you really love him, hang on to him like there's no tomorrow.

    Fortunatly my story ended well. Today we live happily togheter with two adorable cats. :)

    Good luck!

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  41. Maybe one day, but maybe never.
    It is these experiences that make us who we are. And who we are is beautiful.

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  42. You keep waiting for this guy, you'll end up missing the one who wants you. Don't hurt like this, to limit yourself is such an unfortunate thing.

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  43. Nice words you wrote over there, but look.. it's my photo that you posted and I'd like to have some credit if you posted it there because there is no link or whatever to my photostream.

    Thank you :)

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/cherisse_/

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  44. i felt like i was reliving my past from 7 years ago as i read your words...

    please know that you are so. SO. worth it. worth so much more than just a temporary pain reliever. it's not your responsibility to pick up the pieces and to be on call for him... if you're the one he wants, he'll definitely go after you. guys will always go out of their way for what they want.

    don't be complacent; you might be missing out on something much greater right now! you will get over this- be strong!

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  45. This is like reading my diary four months ago. I have been in the exact same situation,felt the exact way you feel and I know that it is impossible to imagine that you one day will get over him but you will! One day you will wake up and realise that you don't love him anymore. When that happened to me,he realised he had lost his grip on me and the situation turned. He wanted me instead. I won. And one day you will!

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  46. This takes me back one year ago. After a couple of months I just flipped and cried my eyes out, I asked him to choose between her and me. Turnes out they had an relationship behind my back when she'd realised that she wanted him back, and he chose her. Today she's six months pregnent with his babygirl, and they live togheter. But what she doesnt know, is that just 3 months ago, he came to my apartment and begged me to come back to him cause he couldnt stand her...
    Do you know what I said? Forget it, you're not worth it."

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  47. From Sweden with loveOctober 18, 2010 at 11:37 AM

    I know it sounds easy to say "walk away, he's not worth it." He may not be, but obviously you have feelings for him. And walking away may sound right and easy, but it's not. What I do know, is that you can't wait for him to love you the way you deserve to be loved. You shouldn't hurt yourself to cure his pain. I think you should really talk to him about this. And who knows, maybe he doesn't just need you, maybe he really loves you?

    I feel for you, I really do!

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  48. Thank you so much for sharing. I am in the same boat and it really is so nice to know I am not alone out there. This is the first time I have ever commented on this blog, although I am a sucker for love and an avid visitor. My boy situation has gone on for entirely too long - almost 5 years and I can't even believe it has been that long. The song "Pieces" by Rascall Flatts is awesome to listen to when I am feeling down because of my "best friend" who just so happens to be the one and only boy I have truly loved and who doesn't love me back.

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  49. You have to take your experience with him as it is; you can't think about your future with him or his future with the other woman. In order to enjoy your time with him, you have to be OK with the fact that you cannot be with him. It is extremely unlikely that he will drop her for you; people tend to choose the one that they've invested time with rather than taking a risk with someone new. It is a loss avoidance strategy that humans use.
    If you are able to take your experience as it is, then maybe one day when the situation is different, you can try again with him. But this is impossible unless you are on good terms with him now.

    Just some advice based on my personal experiences

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  50. You're only fooling yourself. You deserve better. You should want better for yourself. You should find someone who won't put you second when you've put him first.

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  51. you can find pretty amazing content on online dating sites... thank you for the post.. inspirational

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  52. I have never read myself described in such an accurate way. Keep the faith. It does get better.

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  53. it was me a year ago. ah thank you for your post...
    trust me, one day you'll get through this and realize "what have I been doing 4 all this time? I fell for something unreal..."
    good luck and bless you always. :>

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  54. Story of my life.
    I just wish he met me first.

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  55. Does he even know you feel that way? I bet the other girl hurts just as much to know that you're in the picture. It seems that you, the boy, and the other girl each have your own view, keeping you from seeing the situation in its entirety.

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  56. No, he never knew she felt this way and yes, she did think about someone else in the end but it wasn't just someone else, it was her boy friend, whom she never left and never planned to leave.....

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