Thursday, September 16, 2010

my everything


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I never knew at 5 years old you could meet your soul mate. Even though we didn't know it then, we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together. I remember the first time I ever seen you, the boy who lived just three houses down. The little brown haired blue eyed boy that immediately caught my attention the second you moved in. Ever since the first moment we met we've been inseparable. It started out as being play mates, and eventually grew into the most amazing thing I could have ever experienced. I immediately had a crush on you, something about those baby blues, even then made my heart melt. But of course at 5 years old you were still at the "girls had cooties" stage. But much to my surprise only a few short weeks later you changed your mind, and wrote me a note on a piece of red construction paper. "Will you go out with me? I like your cooties". Being five years old that was pretty much a marriage proposal in my book. And that was it..from then on we fell head over heels in love with one another. We cried together, laughed together, made fun of each other, tested each other, we grew up together. Through the years to come I completely stole your heart, and you stole mine. We were best friends, lovers, worst enemies, all rolled into one. There were times I would make you so mad you could scream, and you did the same with me. We tested each other every day, just to see what our limits were. But there was one thing we both always knew..and that was we were going to spend our whole lives together. There wasn't a doubt in our minds. You were "the one". I knew no matter what happened or where life took us, you would be the one I went to bed dreaming of, and woke up in the mornings wanting right next to me. Sure we had our fall outs, sometimes even our break ups. And yes we decided to date around, see what else was out there. But none of them ever worked out, and we both knew why. Because at the end of the day the only ones we wanted to be with was each other. Nobody could make me feel the way you did. It's a feeling I can't ever explain. You made me laugh, even if I didn't want to smile. You made me feel like I could conquer the world when I was in your arms. That was my safe place, being in your arms was the only place I felt safe in the world. I remember the day you proposed to me. The sumer of 09 right after one of petty little arguments. I can't even recall what it was about, I just remember you showing up to my house, knocking on my door and when I opened it you had this look on your face I've never seen before. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. But then you started talking..telling me all about what you wanted out of life. How you joined the army, how you wanted to live out so many of your life dreams. At first I was so confused and mad..how could you do this? Join the ARMY? Without even talking with me about it first? When I thought army the only thing I thought about was war. And war meant death in my eyes. Tears started flooding my face until you pulled me close in your arms and told me to stop crying, that you weren't finished. So I continued listening..and that's when it happened. You said you realized that your biggest life dream was to marry me. To spend your whole life with me. And that joining the army wasn't a rash decision you had made, but rather a decision you made to help better our future together. And that was it, our future was set. You had joined the army, I was about to start college, and in just a couple short years we were going to be married and start our family. What a perfect plan, right? If only it worked out that way. I'll never forget the weekend of May 14th. I had decided to go away for a weekend with my friends, for some much needed girl time. You stayed behind and did your own thing with your friends too. I packed up my bags and headed on my way, never gave a second thought to that being the last time I may ever see you again. I went to sleep early that night. During the middle of my sound sleep I kept hearing my phone ringing, I just kept ignorning it. All of a sudden I sat straight up and knew in my gut something wasn't right. I picked up my phone, it was my sister. "Hello?" "Kaylie? Something happened. You need to get home right away." "What do you mean something happened? What happened?" "Please just listen to me. Just come home." "NO! I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me what is going on, now spill!" "Derrick was in a car accident. He didn't make it Kaylie. He's gone" I immediately dropped the phone, grabbed my stomach, and fell to the ground. Car accident? Gone? Derrick? How can this be? This can't be true. There is no way Derrick is gone. God wouldn't be that cruel. He wouldn't do this to me. He wouldn't take away my whole reason for living. There must be some mistake. I don't remember what happened after that, it's a feeling I can't even explain. I don't remember from that moment on until I arrived home a few hours later. I was in shock. I couldn't believe Derrick, my life, my love, my whole world, my comfort, my best friend, my everything was gone. What was I going to do? My whole world had literally been ripped apart from me and crumbled into a million tiny pieces in a matter of seconds. For days..I felt nothing. There was just this big gaping hole inside me that couldn't be filled. I was numb. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand, I couldn't talk, I couldn't think. Nothing I did helped. Eventually after a couple weeks..the shock wore off. And I was forced to deal with the fact that my life, my love, my best friend really wasn't coming home to me. I can't explain that feeling you have, it's the most undescribable horrible gut wrenching terrible pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I laid in my bed for days doing nothing but crying calling his phone time after time hoping and praying he would pick up the phone. A million things ran through my head. Why him? What did I do that was so horrible I deserved this? Why did God take away my Derrick? Why, why, why? He was so young, with so many goals set for himself. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, now what am I going to do without him? I don't think I will ever understand why this had to happen.. Nobody in this world can ever say they truly know how it feels unless they have been through it too. There are no words anyone can say, no actions anyone can do, and no matter how many I'm so sorry's and I'm here for you's, you get, the pain never stops. It never goes away. I've prayed to God a million times to just make this all disappear once and for all, he has yet to respond to that request. Sometimes I wonder if he ever will. Sometimes I wonder what Derrick would be doing if he were still here, where we would be, what our lives would be like right now. I talk to him every night, and I know that he hears me, but it isn't the same..

Derrick,
You have had my heart since day one. You knew how to make me laugh like noone else ever has. You were there for me through the highest and lowest points of my life. Always encouraging and supporting me through whatever decisions I made. You were my rock. The one person I ran to when I was having a bad day, or my heart was broken..and now your gone. And my heart is more broken than it's ever been before. Where do I go to now? Where do I turn? Nothing in this world makes sense to me anymore, the only thing that gives me peace is knowing that I will be with you again one day. And I can't wait for that day to come. Always and forever baby, always and forever. I pinky pinky promise.

Love always,
Kaylie

55 comments:

  1. Your post is just beautiful. Coming from the deepest part of you, it must have been hard to write. I was awoken at 3am July 1, 2000 myself and was told that my sister had been killed. Suddenly my life was turned upside down. It has been 10 years now and I still think about her daily. The pain as become easier to handle but I still have my moments. I don't know why these things happen but I know that God has made me stronger and I depend more on Him now than ever. He hasn't left you, he's just carrying you through.

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  2. http://wolffangs.tumblr.com/

    she went through almost the same thing...

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  3. There is nothing I can say that could be big enough, or mean enough to make this ever okay, or more bearable at all, but I wish you luck and hope, and the ability to find a reason to live your life to the fullest, even though such a big part of it is gone.

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  4. all i know is that your love wants u to be happy.. now moreas he is not wid u , dont be sad plzzz he is dere watching over you.. now he is your angel.. dont hurt him ... by hurting yourself ..for wherever he is he still loves u with all his heart and soul .... please for his sake try to recover soon..

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  5. Your post made me cry cause I was once in your situation as well. My boyf passed away in 2008 cause of leukemia and I couldn't even attend his funeral in US as we are both from different country. I understand how hard it is to go through it and may Derrick rest in peace! Keep going on in life from him. Its okay to breakdown at times, thats human nature but never give up. I'm sure Derrick would want you to keep going on and stay strong. Have faith! Hugs!

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  6. I have no words to express my sympathy to you, compared to the size of the pain you are going though. I wish you all the best from my heart. It is very painful to loose the love of your life. I am sure you are going to find a reason for living your life as you deserve.
    Keep strong and be always surrounded with people who love you truelly!

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  7. This gave me goosebumps from start to finish. I'm so so so sos so sorry I cant even begin to picture how that would feel. Be strong, be brave. You have no other choice.

    xo

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  8. Thank you for sharing this. I cannot express just how sorry I am nor can I ever truly understand...

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  9. death is our enemy right?

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  10. I´m so sorry. I don´t know what to say.

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  11. Such a beautiful and so touching story. It made me cry so much and i cant even imagine the pain that you are going through..

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  12. This made me cry. I wish you all the best.

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  14. I truly hope that you will meet him again, after. Love is the stronges power there is. It will conquer death.

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  15. oh this made me cry so hard... I want this to be a made up story and not the truth, I can't face that this is true... I feel so bad for you :( if there was anything I could do to help...
    but just remember that as long as you keep him in your heart he will never ever ever be gone!
    /johanna.

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  16. yes, you will see him again, and be with him forever, in time to come.. it's difficult to wait, but it would be worth it.. between now and then, stay strong<3

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  17. I cried, and there was no way to stop it. I am so truly sorry for you, this isnt fair to anyone. I hope you stay strong and brave, cause i know he's watching over you. God bless you.

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  18. dear kaylie,

    your post was very dear and touching to me. reading it made me realize how valuable love was and how you were forced to let your love go must have been (and still be) almost unbearable to live with. stay strong, it will get better, i promise.

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  19. I feel so terrible awful although i doubt I have any clue how you're feeling :( I'm so so so sorry :(

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  20. this made me cry and i'm so so sorry for you.
    it's a really bold thing to write this and i hope that you will be happy again and wish you all the best.

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  21. all i can do is cry and cry until my eyes burst.

    i'm in a roughly similar situation like you, give or take a few details, and it hurts so bad sometimes i don't know if i can get to the end of the day without doing anything stupid.

    i don't know if your post helped or not, but i'm so awfully sorry for you. i truly understand.

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  22. This made me cry. I´m so, so sorry, I wish you all luck and that you can find someone who make you feel at least the half of what you felt for Derrick.

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  23. Whoever said time heals pain lied. Never lose faith and remember his spirit will always be with you.

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  24. All of us here send you our love, our tears, our hearts.

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  25. Kaylie, I understand that no words can come close to touching your loss. I know that nothing I can say with make your sadness go away, but know that God did this to make you stronger. This was his plan all along. It seems so unfair, selfish, cruel, that God takes away the one's we care about. The one you gave your whole heart to. You don't know it yet, but you will learn and grow in so many ways from this- more than you can even imagine from this. Take his life, remember it, and grow from it. Never forget the times you shared and the tears you cried. Take all that you can from this world and know that he is watching over you. He's home now, don't forget that. He is in the best place and please know that you'll see him again. It may be hard to believe, but everything will be okay, even if things don't seem that way in this moment of time. And hey, how would Derrick want you to live your life?

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  26. you are not alone! may you look to your friends and family, and most of all up to Derrick to help you through this tough time. He is always there for you in spirit and in thoughts, watching right over you. and so are many other young women, wives, girlfriends who have suddenly had someone special taken right out of their life. my heart goes out to you and to everyone else !

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  27. this is beautiful.

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  28. from the bottom of my heart im so sorry this is truly heart breaking but you will make it another day and live for him
    live for him <3

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  29. i really hope you fall in love again, you sound like you deserve it.

    http://theutterlyinspired.blogspot.com/

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  30. This post made me cry, especially the last line. I just picture "pinky pinky promise" is something you have said to each other since you were little kids. I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you all the luck in the world for your future. I don't know what else to say. This is totally heartbreaking.

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  31. i have forgotten to belive in love
    so nothing to comment on
    but still nyc blog n nyc post

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  32. Kayle,

    I can imagine how difficult is living without your love, but the thing is that he is still your love, you will always keep him in your heart.

    Just God knows why these things hapen, for any reason you had to be separated for a while and God choosed to you for stay here because you are the stronger... You can!!!

    See this movie: What dreams may come

    Other important thing, you can be happy for a while, you can met other guys in this life because you have a lot to teach to others, there must be some reason for you are still in this world, you don't know how many people you can help and Derrick will be waiting for you.

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  33. Live life like how he taught you for him. You're amazing keep living. Btw this made me cried too like many others, i'm sorry about derrick :'(

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  34. One of the gems ever to be posted on this website, my hearfelt emotional support reaches out to Kaylie, god bless

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  35. derrick would be so proud of you for being able to say all of those things. you are so brave, and stay strong. nothing will make this an easy road but just keep in mind that you have your very own gaurdian angel, that has to count as some sort of consolation.

    he will always be in your heart and remember that when you do learn to smile, laugh and be happy again, do not feel guilty about it...this will make you stronger.

    take each day at a time, and know that you are not alone. you will get through this, we all believe in you.


    thinking of you

    xo

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  36. I've loved and lost.. just like you

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  37. With Tear Streaked Eyes, I Say, I Can't Tell You How Much I Admire You For Having This Much Strength And Courage To Share Your Story With Us. Thank You So Very Much.

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  38. so sad .. i dropped this story in my blackberry and last night when i was in bed i read this .. it's really sad
    much love for you girl though! <3

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  39. This brought tears to my eyes. I'm terribly sorry for you. Some people meet their soul mates when they're adults and they lose them to old age. You just had it the other way around when you met him at 5.
    I don't know what else to say :(

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  40. I feel your pain. My boyf passed away too!

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  41. oh my. that honestly was one of the most heartbreaking things i have ever read. when i started reading this, i was so excited for a happily ever after. & it honestly hurt me when i read what happened, so i cannot even being to imagine how much you are hurting. i am sososo sorry. i know that it doesnt change anything, but i still feel like it should be said. i really hope you are okay. just stay strong girlie, & be brave!

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  42. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

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  43. I am at school, so right now isn't the moment to cry, but when I get home... yeah.
    This was such a beautiful, but sad story. Can't imagine what you've been going through. When I try to imagine it.. Watching him right now, across the classroom, it hurts too much.
    You must be a strong person. I don't think I would have managed to get through something like that.
    I'm sorry for your loss.
    <3

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  44. this made my eyes water.
    its so horrible what happened to you and there really is no way to justify why it happened. it just does. i dont know what its like to loose someone that close to me, but im sure i will one day just as every other person will. there's no way to stop it. death is a part of life. it sucks, but i guess its the way to balance out life with all the joy and love and happiess life can hold. so i sincerely hope you find another joy in your life whatever it may be.

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  45. omg i actuali would die if the love of my life past away im proud ov u for being strong and holding on...im so sorry to hear abt derrick..:(:'( this actuali made me cry for days

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  46. This picture is the PC Siqueira and Livia, girlfriend it

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  47. Kaylie,

    First of all, your story touched my heart, and made me cry for you and all you have loved and lost.

    I was once in a position very similar to your own. The only thing that got me through, out of bed, out the door, and into the light of day was this:

    God will never, ever give you more than you can handle. You do not have to handle anything alone. Healing takes time. I was once infuriated when a friend told me this, outraged that she could think that I would ever be the same, be able to breathe, to function, to see the world. You need to know that, I understand that you love Derrick, but you need to learn to love yourself, by yourself, now. and forever, because one day you will be reunited - but you were left here, on earth until that day for a very specific purpose. Travel, learn, grow, teach, and love. again. It will be different, loving this time. But it will teach you that it is okay to live, and I can tell you (because I, like you, had to learn to focus on taking each step. day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by excruciating second) that one day, all of a sudden, the pain you feel will cease to burn. It will not go away, but simply become a calming reminder of why you are here. It will no longer sting, and that day, you will smile. Truly smile, a smile that reaches the depths of your heart, and the height of the sky where Derrick is in heaven watching and guarding over you. And you will be then be able to live the reason you are still here, and again enjoy the beautiful life that you have, however changed it may be.

    One day, you will be free of the confusion, and the complex darkness that encompasses you in the years after a tragedy. But as the fog lifts, you will be free. Free to love not only Derrick, not only yourself, but simultaneously others as well. God does not wish for you to be alone. He is there for you, beside you, waiting for you to be ready. Because you will be.

    I promise this to you.

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  48. today i argue with my boyfriend. through your story i felt like if i would lose him.. this is not to compare with your situation. but it shows me that we must enjoy every day with our love. it gaves me goosebumps...
    when i imagine, my big love would die, myself would die with him.
    please try to move on!

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  49. I completely agree with everything you have printed here.

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