Sunday, September 19, 2010
late night insecurities
Its 2:04AM. I'm awake,not surprisingly.
Over a year ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions. Caught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. His stupid friends, the other girls. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was clingy. I was the controlling girlfriend whose only language was "nag". I was insecure. At some point in that relationship, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities he installed in me against him, using them to push him away. Knowing I deserved better, with the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. He was simple, to rid myself of, after numerous failed attempts. My lack of confidence, not so much. It lingered.
Then you came along. Still in control, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough from you. How could I let you know I was damaged? That my heart had been so dismantled prior to your repairs or that the butterflies I felt with you, were so unfamiliar to me. What if you knew that my own smile was not recognizable to me in the months before you came into my life. Would you want a damaged heart? No. I would hide my demons from you. To you, I was still worth something. I was beautiful, not fat. Sincere, not a liar. Charming, not annoying. I was happy, a little crazy, and slightly up and down, but I was passionate. Not dramatic. Even the moments in which I would mispronounce something, turned into intimate and memorable moments in which I was adorable. Not stupid. I was everything to you I had always wanted to be to somebody, anybody. To this day, or night, whatever you call 2:47am, I remain amazing in your eyes. Your love for me is still beyond my comprehension.
It's been over a year. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. How could I have known, that while you were making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, so special and beautiful, I was so insecure beneath it all. We aren't in a relationship at the moment, at least not the kind that provides us with the security of labels. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize each day I only miss you more and not less like people tell me. From the "Oh, it hurts now, but in a month, you won't even feel it." to "you'll find someone new in no time"s. I should know your the only one I can rely on for the truth. And the truth is, it doesn't get easier being just your friend. It isn't a piece of cake to turn away from the comments of flirty remarks. These girls are like ants and your like sugar. They all want you, and now, as just a friend, I can do nothing more than sit back, keep quiet and pray one of them isn't more charming than me. These days, that's not setting the bar high. Recently my jealousy has surfaced. Stronger than before, I bear no control of the emotion. It's lashed out a couple of times, crossing the friend zone lines and into the boundaries of psycho ex. Even at that, you find me cute, letting my unwarranted possessiveness stroke your ego. As the days go by, my insecurities and self doubt have continued to expose themselves in the form of heavy sighs and clingyness, leaving me no control over my thoughts, words or tears. Today, I hope, was the lowest I can go. As far as breakdowns at least. I cried. I revealed all my unconcealed insecurities. Baring to you the inner workings of my messed up mind. I am pretty sure your now aware just how damaged I may be. It just happened; all of my feelings I've tried to keep hidden from you for this long, escaped in the form of quiet sobs. You never miss a thing. Your so in tune with me that even as I tried to steady my voice, soften my breathing and tell you "no" I wasn't crying, you knew. I can't fool you. Were just that connected. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept running and by the time I said goodnight we had both cried. Not even 10 minutes has passed before...plop. Word vomit. Out come all my insecurities. Texted to you of course, in fear of rejection. As if it would hurt less that way if you decided I'm just a little too crazy. But you don't. You listen. And you respond with all the things you would find in a "how to be the perfect man" handbook. And yet again, I'm in awe of you. They don't go away that easily, and I'm no longer naive enough to believe that they might. But you definitely make me feel a little more normal than perhaps I really am.
In the last year we've loved and laughed, sang silly songs and talked of honeycomb kids. We've cried and yelled. We've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgment, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others. Ya, the last year has had its many ups, and the occasional down, but were still here, and somehow we have managed to stayed honest, true, and head over heels for one another. You have become my best friend, my lover, and the man of my dreams. While my insecurities may stick around to keep me up late for some time to come, and at times they may leave you feeling accused or aggravated, just know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day, your heart is still mine♥